St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Oh I know.Dude, this is nuts. $6.55To me, anything that requires tools is some sort of science outside of my purview.It's not rocket science.
Tell you what's NOT out of my wheelhouse....BitGold baby!
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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (9 Viewers)
- Thread starter General Malaise
- Start date
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
Totally telling my wife that our next dog needs to be a jackal named Carlos.
100% sure she won't get it, but I don't care.
100% sure she won't get it, but I don't care.
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
I assumed they all did.
I may have to break down and go try and find the fox story in there now.
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Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
It's pretty recent
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
I don't know, man. I don't think they aren't something to be scared of but when you have one going crazy thinking it's going to die right in your face, well, I prefer to avoid those kinds of situations.
General Malaise
Footballguy
you guys got some sort of link for this Ron story?
RedmondLonghorn
Footballguy
A wolverine is actually a mustelid, FYI.Officer Pete Malloy said:
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
Blah blah blah, he raw-dogged some chick and spent way too much money on her. The end.General Malaise said:
General Malaise
Footballguy
I googled 'wolverine' to see if i knew what one looked like and all I got was some stupid action figure movie guy. I added "animal" and that helped. They look fierce and not at all like something I'd want in my pants.
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
See, I figured it was pretty much the same as the first AR story. I knew one of you would come through so I didn't have to slog through that thread.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
http://www.humanesociety.org/animals/foxes/tips/solving_problems_with_foxes.html
Foxes out and about during the day
Foxes have a natural fear of people. If you see one outside during the day, it's no cause for alarm. He will usually run away from you as soon as he detects your presence.
If not, the fox has probably learned to associate people with food (likely because someone has been feeding him), and may exhibit a boldness or even approach you. These foxes can easily be scared away by making loud noises such as yelling or blowing whistles, dousing them with water houses or squirt guns or throwing objects such as tennis balls toward them. For more tips about hazing, see our tips for hazing coyotes.
WTF - why we gotta haze the poor little dudes?
Foxes out and about during the day
Foxes have a natural fear of people. If you see one outside during the day, it's no cause for alarm. He will usually run away from you as soon as he detects your presence.
If not, the fox has probably learned to associate people with food (likely because someone has been feeding him), and may exhibit a boldness or even approach you. These foxes can easily be scared away by making loud noises such as yelling or blowing whistles, dousing them with water houses or squirt guns or throwing objects such as tennis balls toward them. For more tips about hazing, see our tips for hazing coyotes.
WTF - why we gotta haze the poor little dudes?
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Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
"Neighborhood Coyote Hazers" is my next band name.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Golf fox was totally at ease. I think he laughed at my game for about 6-7 holes, saying things like "Dude, I've been on this course for years and I've never seen anybody hit a ball here". When we got to 18, he just bid me farewell and went towards a pond with ducks in it. Hope he's doing well.
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
Arizona Ron said:The weather is starting to break; I can finally run outside without looking like a stand-in for the next Tron movie. Im not a hardcore runner, just 3 miles to get the heart pumping. I have a few maps that Ive tracked on my phone app 1.5ish miles out and back. Some days I run the whole 3, other days its a walk/run mix (with mostly walking); it usually starts off with by convincing myself that Im only going to walk then it turns into a run.
Its about 9am; I decided to take a few weeks off from the grind of work travel to recharge. I hit the 1.5 mile mark and turned around to head homeI saw what I thought it was someones dog wondering toward me but the cat-like ears suggested otherwiseit was a fox.The fox is about a Ritz cracker throw away (meaning an unmodified Ritz cracker throw which is unaided by topography or wind), from me but my body immediately goes into fight/flight mode and I start running back home.
While running, my brain is racing with these collective thoughts all at once: (a) Ive been on this route a thousand times, never seen a fox. (b) I dont think foxes should be out during the day. © its rabid and wants to kill me. (e) my ankle hurts (f) I must look like an idiot
I round the corner down my street cutting through my neighbors unfenced yard; I head to the front door of my house, then pause and run around the back. I ordered the Ice Princesss dog (who is our new house guest) in the house and yelled (erratically) once I got inside, no one go outside!!!Fox!
Angie and my daughter look up from playing Hungry Hungy Hippos, for a moment, looking at me like Im a crazy person
My wife walks into the family room,
Wife: WTF is wrong with you?
Me: There is a rabid fox wandering around!
Angie: Rabid? How do you know that?
Me: Its daytime, foxes dont hang out during the day (confidentially)
Angie: Its breeding season, its not rare to see them during the day. Maybe you startled it.
My wife walks back into the kitchen mumbling something about me needing help. My daughter is still playing Hippos and Angie is looking at me like Ive lost it.
I gather my thoughts with my new best friend, Chuckie, the Ice Princess labradoodle. The Ice Princess (a.k.a Girl 3, a.k.a, the chick that shoved a water bottle up my ###) has been busy lately so she drops the dog off Friday and picks him up Monday. My daughter said the dog could stay at our house; this was decided when I was away on travel. Whatever.
Turns out the Ice Princess and my wife had made up (from me accidentally allowing her to post pictures wearing my wifes jewelry while attending a work-social with me). Girl 1 is back around too; not at the house so much but they are hanging out again.
Later that night, Angie has my daughter covered for the night and my Wife wants to go out and see the Ice Princess at her show what ####### show?, I ask.
So, miss I hate men, miss I dont need anyone, miss Im always in control, miss Im an attention whoreis now strippingmakes sense.
This entitled little snot is stripping now; shes apparently pretty popular at it too - hence why her dog now resides at my house on the weekends. My wife and Girl 1 are all excited about seeing her on stage and cant wait; what doesnt make sense to me (well because Im not hot and dont have a ######) is why? Her parents are loaded, she has their house to herself, she does some drugs but not real drugs. Why strip?
So we go to see here, Wife, Girl 1 and I; we get there and get comfortable. Bring a woman to a strip club and they immediately get a LOT of attention. Ice hasnt even gone on stage yet and shes already wrangling other strippers over to meet her #####es. Ice Princess looks smoking hot; neon green fishnet outfit with neon green panties and top, ridiculously high heal glass shoes. Her hair is shaved on the sides and is colored bright blonde, almost white.
I played the bar, watching with the rest of the girls as Ice, my wife and Girl 1 are center of attention near the edge of the stage while some random stripper was dancing. Ice is grinding on my wife and Girl 1 (side note, my wife and Girl 1 were slapping her on the ### and biting her nipples no guy would get away with doing that in a strip club near center stage, ever). The more I stood there with my drink watchingthe more I thought Im either really good at thisor the biggest ####### idiot in the world.
Ice brought a girl over to me while I was on my 4th or 5th drink, leans into me saying, this is Chaos, she wants to #### you. Chaos is a hot mid 20s black chick, looks like a Rihanna with too many tattoos.
I said Ill do a dance with her (as an aside, every guy should know the difference between going to the dance section of a strip club and the VIP/champagne section of the club one cost about 5 times more than the other; guess which one I ended up in).
My dumb/drunk ### follows Chaos to VIP; we were prepped with a bottle of vodka. Chaos starts dancing and pouring me and herself shots of Ciroc,minutes go buy while indulging.
She says to me more than once, do you want to #### me, (WTF would any guy say? Of course)
One security dude is around the front of the room but hasnt walked in; Im not sure if hes guarding the room or keeping me inChaos unzips my pants and begins blowing me, extremely well; its clear Im far from her first ####### (maybe not even her first ####### that night). Chaos then pulls a condom out of her little purse, I think to myself that theres no way Ill be able to bust one with a condom on. She puts it on me then straddles me. She leans in, chest to chest, while moving like a snake on me and says in my ear, shhhh, dont move, I got this(while moaning) then says, cum inside my little tight ##### daddy). I may have made it a solid 4 minutes, maybe. Let's be honest, I don't need to impress this chick with my ####-game.
We get done and Chaos wants to get paid, $500, she says nonchalantly. I only had three one-hundred dollar bills and a bunch of ones that I got as change from the bar; so I made the walk of shame to the ATM to get her the other $200. I dont argue or haggle with strippers; it just doesnt end well. I paid her, she high-fives the Ice Princess while walking back through the club.
I regroup with my Wife and Girl 1; at this point the Ice Princess is on stage giving her performance and of course my wife and Girl 1 are throwing dollars at her. By the end of her dance, shes completely naked dancing to What does the Fox say as a last ditch dig to me about running from a fox that morning. My wife and Girl 1 are drunk poking fun at me during the whole song like, look, fox behind you!.
During our Uber black-car ride home, were all pretty drunk; my wife says, did you hook up with that stripper (Chaos)? I said, No way, who has sex with a stripper, let alone in a club???. My wife says, well for $500, she should have ####ed you, made you a sandwich and drove us home (I never told my wife how much I paid for my dance, clearly Ice Princess was blabbing her mouth again).
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
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St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Oh yeah, I had a client ask me today why people call me CSB and then asked me to wear a cat shirt the next time I was going to see her.
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Limp Ditka
Footballguy
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
So, did Ron get the sandwich? I need closure.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I don't know, I'm looking for a magnifying glass while at the same time giggling at Bob's placement of
El Floppo
Footballguy
me too. the latter bit.I don't know, I'm looking for a magnifying glass while at the same time giggling at Bob's placement of
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
“Go away coyote!”
The simplest method of hazing a coyote involves being loud and large:
If a coyote has not been hazed before, he may not immediately run away when you yell at him. If this happens, you may need to walk towards the coyote and increase the intensity of your hazing.
The coyote may run away, but then stop after a distance and look at you. It is important to continue to go after the coyote until he completely leaves the area. You may need to use different tactics, such as noisemakers, stomping your feet, or spraying the coyote with a hose, to get him to leave.
The simplest method of hazing a coyote involves being loud and large:
- Stand tall, wave your arms, and yell at the coyote, approaching him if necessary, until he runs away as demonstrated in this coyote hazing video.
If a coyote has not been hazed before, he may not immediately run away when you yell at him. If this happens, you may need to walk towards the coyote and increase the intensity of your hazing.
The coyote may run away, but then stop after a distance and look at you. It is important to continue to go after the coyote until he completely leaves the area. You may need to use different tactics, such as noisemakers, stomping your feet, or spraying the coyote with a hose, to get him to leave.
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
bacon grease and garlic salt5-ish Finkle said:
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
Important things to remember
The coyote may not leave at first, but if you approach him closer and/or increase the intensity of your hazing (broomstick him), he will run away.
If the coyote runs away a short distance and then stops and looks at you, continue hazing until he leaves the area entirely.
After you have successfully hazed a coyote, he or she may return. Continue to haze the coyote as you did before; it usually takes only one or two times to haze a coyote away for good.
- Never run away from a coyote!
The coyote may not leave at first, but if you approach him closer and/or increase the intensity of your hazing (broomstick him), he will run away.
If the coyote runs away a short distance and then stops and looks at you, continue hazing until he leaves the area entirely.
After you have successfully hazed a coyote, he or she may return. Continue to haze the coyote as you did before; it usually takes only one or two times to haze a coyote away for good.
Henry Ford
Footballguy
Walk me through it like I'm an old weirdo with bad knees who doesn't know how to pop corn in a pan.5-ish Finkle said:
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
Henry Ford
Footballguy
It works? I'm dubious.Dan Lambskin said:
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
We're lousy with kit foxes over here. They're fairly skittish but they're also very used to living in the suburbs. Good thing they're not much better than a normal sized cat.
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
Henry Ford
Footballguy
Does bacon grease work? Someone walk me through this step by step. I usually save my bacon grease for cooking steaks in
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
Getting pretty needy on the popcorn front in here.
El Floppo
Footballguy
I had one of those in college... completely forgot about it.
works great- turning the handle keeps the kernel from sticking/burning to the bottom of the pot. same idea as just putting them in a regular pot with some oil and shaking it every so often.
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
Can somebody walk me through this "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" thing?
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
It's pretty straightforward...
-Dollop of coconut oil in, like, a medium sized pan on medium heat(you don't want to scorch the hell out of the popcorn before it all pops)
- Throw in 3 or 4 kernels first and cover the pan(IMPORTANT!)
- Once those kernels have popped, dump in the remaining kernels you're gonna pop(like, 1/3 or 1/4 of a cup)
- Make sure you put the lid back on the pan
- Now you sort of need to "shake" the pan back and forth on the burner to make sure you're agitating the kernels.
- Keep it on the heat until the popping reduces to somewhere around two seconds between pops.
- Remove from heat. Season.
- Place popcorn in mouth. Chew. Swallow.
-Dollop of coconut oil in, like, a medium sized pan on medium heat(you don't want to scorch the hell out of the popcorn before it all pops)
- Throw in 3 or 4 kernels first and cover the pan(IMPORTANT!)
- Once those kernels have popped, dump in the remaining kernels you're gonna pop(like, 1/3 or 1/4 of a cup)
- Make sure you put the lid back on the pan
- Now you sort of need to "shake" the pan back and forth on the burner to make sure you're agitating the kernels.
- Keep it on the heat until the popping reduces to somewhere around two seconds between pops.
- Remove from heat. Season.
- Place popcorn in mouth. Chew. Swallow.
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so wait, you add heat to these things and they turn into popcorn? what kind of wizardry is this?
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
El Floppo
Footballguy
Notorious T.R.E.
Showdown!™ Administrator
Baby corn makes the best mini popcorn.
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
Also pretty straightforward....
- Open bread bag and remove amount desired(or slice off what you desire if you're dealing with a homemade loaf)
- Open peanut butter
- Using a butter knife, slather desired amount of peanut butter onto bread(if using multiple pieces, it's customary to apply it on only one side, but not restricted to that)
- Wipe butter knife clean to make sure it is free of peanut butter.(IMPORTANT! PB does not reside in the jelly jar, so do not cross contaminate. You aren't some kind of neanderthal)
- Open jelly.
- Using butter knife, slather desired amount of jelly onto bread(again, if multiple pieces are involved it is customary to apply the jelly to the opposite piece that was previously peanut butter'd)
- If using multiple pieces of bread, place one on top of the other with the peanut butter and jelly facing each other(IMPORTANT! This avoids unnecessary mess)
- If using one piece of bread, fold/cut bread in half so peanut butter/jelly mixture is on the inside of your sandwich(IMPORTANT! Again, this avoids unnecessary mess)
- Place sandwich in mouth. Bite. Chew. Swallow.
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urbanhack
Fight The Power!
Congratulations! You are attracted to women, you like to have sex and cheat on your wife.
Frostillicus
Footballguy
5-ish Finkle
Footballguy
Go home, Coyote. You're drunk.
Well, maybe a little bit funnier.
I read this in Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer's voice, and it was funnier.
Well, maybe a little bit funnier.
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