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GM's thread about nothing (9 Viewers)
- Thread starter General Malaise
- Start date
cosjobs
Footballguy
My sizeable belly will be nestled against the bar, my chubby fingers desperately grasping glasses of alcohol.
Never read that "Could you catch a punt..." thread until today, that's where I found it.
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
I told you how my new neighbor is best friends with the kid I grew up with. Just found out that his wife is the boss of my old GB/neighbor Andre. Weird.
Last edited by a moderator:
Reg Lllama of Brixton
Footballguy
Thank you, Simone.
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
who died and made cos chet?
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Homer J Simpson
I don't push
I'm pretty freaked out.Oh come on. You know that is pretty weird.
Crazy Canuck
Footballguy
Hi. There be cards up in here?
Crazy Canuck
Footballguy
Tiger Fan, wait...
cosjobs
Footballguy
proninja
Footballguy
You're more high maintenance than my wife tonight
Kubes
Footballguy
You shut it and go ride a bike.
proninja
Footballguy
rawr
kevzilla
Footballguy
General Malaise
Footballguy
My diet this week has been atrocious. I need my wife back, stat or else I'm going to be buying extra plane tickets when I fly next.
Not a big fast food eater, but since she's been gone:
- Jimmy John's delivered a sandwich to my house...they are less than 2 miles away from me.
- I hit McDonald's drive-thru this morning for not one but TWO sausage egg and cheese biscuits.
- My co-worker Vipul showed up at work today with Burger King after taking his car into the shop to get repaired. He said they had a "2 for 1" on chicken sandwiches, so he gave me the extra. I haven't had Burger King in at least 4 years.
- Tonight, after practice, I took my boys out for Mexican Food. I had nachos.
- On Sunday, I woke up at 11am and drove to a sports bar where I took down a sausage/egg/cheese/gravy biscuit with a side of hashbrowns.
- I took my boys out to breakfast Saturday morning where I had the Country Benedict.
- I brought a pizza from Pappa Murphy's over to my parents house for lunch on MLK Jr day.
- Stadium food Friday night at the Portland Winter Hawks game.
Add to that the fact that I have missed my last 3 scheduled workouts and haven't so much as walked a mile.
Christ, I'm a mess. Just re-read that. Holy crap. I don't even want guess the number of beers I've sucked down. I'm guessing it's north of 50.
You guys should take out a life insurance policy on me. I ain't long for this ride.
Not a big fast food eater, but since she's been gone:
- Jimmy John's delivered a sandwich to my house...they are less than 2 miles away from me.
- I hit McDonald's drive-thru this morning for not one but TWO sausage egg and cheese biscuits.
- My co-worker Vipul showed up at work today with Burger King after taking his car into the shop to get repaired. He said they had a "2 for 1" on chicken sandwiches, so he gave me the extra. I haven't had Burger King in at least 4 years.
- Tonight, after practice, I took my boys out for Mexican Food. I had nachos.
- On Sunday, I woke up at 11am and drove to a sports bar where I took down a sausage/egg/cheese/gravy biscuit with a side of hashbrowns.
- I took my boys out to breakfast Saturday morning where I had the Country Benedict.
- I brought a pizza from Pappa Murphy's over to my parents house for lunch on MLK Jr day.
- Stadium food Friday night at the Portland Winter Hawks game.
Add to that the fact that I have missed my last 3 scheduled workouts and haven't so much as walked a mile.
Christ, I'm a mess. Just re-read that. Holy crap. I don't even want guess the number of beers I've sucked down. I'm guessing it's north of 50.
You guys should take out a life insurance policy on me. I ain't long for this ride.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I did eat an orange this morning, so I've got that working for me.
krista4
Footballguy
Hi, back in town.
1. YSR and Thorn job updates plz?
π. FB question: who has initials DB and is in Keller, TX?
Z. Another FB question: why does Crazy Canuck show up at the top of my newsfeed every time I look at FB?
###. Crazy Canuck also missing out on huge schtick potential by not overseeing my pool construction in new house.
1. YSR and Thorn job updates plz?
π. FB question: who has initials DB and is in Keller, TX?
Z. Another FB question: why does Crazy Canuck show up at the top of my newsfeed every time I look at FB?
###. Crazy Canuck also missing out on huge schtick potential by not overseeing my pool construction in new house.
shuke
Black Ice Skeptic
'Bonzai said:Thanks. I search the FFA for "Star Trek" everyday and it led me here.
cosjobs
Footballguy
Get off GM's back. He's been really sensitive lately
Kubes
Footballguy
Bogart is pi.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Probably because he's too ####### stupid to take a Jeopardy test.
General Malaise
Footballguy
krista4
Footballguy
Just catching up and want to say sorry about his stepdad. :(
General Malaise
Footballguy
I meant to laugh at this earlier.[out of retirement]Copyright infringement.'General Malaise said:[re-retires]
Kubes
Footballguy
This makes me less shure.
H
HighBeams
Guest
We're participating in a charity dance war this weekend. It's 80s vs 2000s and it's at least 8hrs of dancing. Some of you might finally get your wish.
cosjobs
Footballguy
Really? That's what caused the estrogen flood? It was a stock smartass reply I would have used to whomever made the original comment.Not that you aren't special and stuff.
Homer J Simpson
I don't push
Reading that just made me really really hungry.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Transitioning over to red wine now in a quest to not be such a tub of unhealthy goo....picked up a 2009 Inkberry Shiraz-Cab from Australia as it was on sale at QFC for 10 bucks. I think I had the corkscrew about 1/3 of the way down before I realized this blend is a screw-top. 
I'm no enologist, but I enjoy the wine. I smell blackberry, rhubarb and a hint of shoe. The tannins are rich and perplexing, like Howard Hughes only with a squishier final note.
I'm no enologist, but I enjoy the wine. I smell blackberry, rhubarb and a hint of shoe. The tannins are rich and perplexing, like Howard Hughes only with a squishier final note.
General Malaise
Footballguy
no, i think you're 100% correct here.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Oh, I've been called stupid my whole life. I'm used to it. Just like I'm used to the albino jokes, powder jokes, Forrest Gump jokes, Kellen jokes, nanny jokes, philanderer jokes, stoner jokes, tampon jokes and jokes about sleepwalking through 18 holes of golf.Doesn't mean they don't still hurt, but they come with the territory. Can't laugh at yourself, yadda yadda yadda....I'm more worried about Tre...I think he's never coming back. :(
Gadzooks
Footballguy
I got so blacked out drunk last night, not only did I have the worst hangover today, I have injuries as well.
Yesterday morning was the memorial service for my buddy and it ended up being way more emotional for me than I thought it would be. After the service I was going to work but only to attend a training for a few hours in the afternoon. Then we had a "Sales Kickoff/New Product Launch" party at a local bar that my company rented out. They hired caterers because the bar (which isn't a very nice) doesn't serve food, only booze. Now originally my plan for the last week was that I would go to this "Kickoff" thingy for a little bit and then go home and meet the 22 year old. This whole thing with my buddy passing away had kind of thrown me for a loop for the past few days and the memorial service basically put me over the edge. I figured the only way to handle everything was to drink heavily. However, coming home and having sex for hours minutes seemed like a better idea. About 20 minutes before I'm about to leave to go the bar, 22 year old texts me that she can't come over tonight. I figured that was a sign that I should get absolutely wildly drunk.
I walked into the bar and bypassed the buffet table and went straight to the bar. I've known the owner of the bar since I was a little kid, his wife was bartending and she heard about my buddy so she decided that I didn't have to pay for my drinks for the night. I drank like a man on a mission. I didn't even text anyone because I was just in a zone with Jack and Cokes constantly going in my mouth.With all the emotions I was going thru and being mad about not seeing the 22 year old, I was a walking weapon of mass (self)destruction. I was a mess. Stupidly, since the bar was literally 2 minutes from my house, I drove home. I got home fine, but the guilt I've felt today about driving last night has been eating away at me.
This is where things get hazy. I have literally started to remember things as today has gone on. I know that before I left my house I had put fresh sheets on my bed (anticipating the 22 year old coming over) Now the next thing I remember is waking up in my bed very groggy and I was completely naked and freezing. And not only are there no sheets on the bed, the mattress cover is also off the bed. I was completely shuked about this. I saw a blanket at the bottom of the bed and pulled that over me for warmth and I then noticed an unbelievable amount of pain in my hip and shoulder. The pain made me completely wake up. Now I was really trying to figure out what happened. I got up to take a leak and then I suddenly remembered that I had thrown up at some point. So that was why I took everything off the bed, apparently I didn't make it to bathroom and vomited in my bed. Lovely.
I hobble into the bathroom and I can hear the shower is dripping. I move the shower curtain and I see the spout where the water would come out for a bath is twisted and turned to side instead of facing down. At that moment I then had a flashback to me falling into the shower which explained why my hip and shoulder hurt so much. There is a small dent in my shoulder from that spout. I remember stumbling around in the bathroom and falling and trying to grab the shower curtain but I guess I missed it and fell into the tub. My hip has been absolutely throbbing today, to the point that I almost called me doctor to see if he could look at it. I brought the mattress cover down stairs to throw it in the washing machine and noticed that every single light in my house was turned on and my belt was at the bottom of the stairs (I guess I started undressing on the way upstairs?) I get to the kitchen and notice a large aluminum container on my stove and I'm thinking what in the world is that? I open it up and discover it is filled with roasted potatoes that I apparently stole from the event last night and brought home. There was a ton of potatos in that thing. I contemplated calling in to work but decided to man up and go in. At lunch I picked up Little 'Zooks at school and brought him to my Mom's house. When he got in the back seat he then asked why there were potatoes in the car. I look back there and the floor of my back seat was filled with roasted potatoes. I guess the cover wasn't securely on that thing when I drove home. After dropping him off and having a liquid-dynomite-poop-explosion in my parent's bathroom, I went back to my house to wash the rest of my sheets. I pick up my sheets off the bedroom floor and find my clothes from last night underneath the sheets and my clothes were covered with my vomit. Lovely. I was then wondering why the vomit got on my clothes and thru the bed sheets to the matress cover, but the blanket didn't get any. So I checked the blanket and sure enough there were some splatterings on there as well. Which meant that when I had woken up this morning and pulled the blanket over for warmth, I was using a blanket covered with my own vomit without even realizing it. Awesome.
I'm feeling much better now. 22 year old came over for a quick visit to "make me feel better". She is really getting a kick out of me hurting my hip because as she puts it "all old people break their hips". I told her that when she makes a joke about me being older than her, I want her to refer to me as Tanner. She doesn't understand it, but she cheerfully plays along to amuse me.
After last night's ridiculous amount of drinking and the blackouts and injuries that followed, I have decided that I am definitely giving up drinking for the next couple of days.
Yesterday morning was the memorial service for my buddy and it ended up being way more emotional for me than I thought it would be. After the service I was going to work but only to attend a training for a few hours in the afternoon. Then we had a "Sales Kickoff/New Product Launch" party at a local bar that my company rented out. They hired caterers because the bar (which isn't a very nice) doesn't serve food, only booze. Now originally my plan for the last week was that I would go to this "Kickoff" thingy for a little bit and then go home and meet the 22 year old. This whole thing with my buddy passing away had kind of thrown me for a loop for the past few days and the memorial service basically put me over the edge. I figured the only way to handle everything was to drink heavily. However, coming home and having sex for hours minutes seemed like a better idea. About 20 minutes before I'm about to leave to go the bar, 22 year old texts me that she can't come over tonight. I figured that was a sign that I should get absolutely wildly drunk.
I walked into the bar and bypassed the buffet table and went straight to the bar. I've known the owner of the bar since I was a little kid, his wife was bartending and she heard about my buddy so she decided that I didn't have to pay for my drinks for the night. I drank like a man on a mission. I didn't even text anyone because I was just in a zone with Jack and Cokes constantly going in my mouth.With all the emotions I was going thru and being mad about not seeing the 22 year old, I was a walking weapon of mass (self)destruction. I was a mess. Stupidly, since the bar was literally 2 minutes from my house, I drove home. I got home fine, but the guilt I've felt today about driving last night has been eating away at me.
This is where things get hazy. I have literally started to remember things as today has gone on. I know that before I left my house I had put fresh sheets on my bed (anticipating the 22 year old coming over) Now the next thing I remember is waking up in my bed very groggy and I was completely naked and freezing. And not only are there no sheets on the bed, the mattress cover is also off the bed. I was completely shuked about this. I saw a blanket at the bottom of the bed and pulled that over me for warmth and I then noticed an unbelievable amount of pain in my hip and shoulder. The pain made me completely wake up. Now I was really trying to figure out what happened. I got up to take a leak and then I suddenly remembered that I had thrown up at some point. So that was why I took everything off the bed, apparently I didn't make it to bathroom and vomited in my bed. Lovely.
I hobble into the bathroom and I can hear the shower is dripping. I move the shower curtain and I see the spout where the water would come out for a bath is twisted and turned to side instead of facing down. At that moment I then had a flashback to me falling into the shower which explained why my hip and shoulder hurt so much. There is a small dent in my shoulder from that spout. I remember stumbling around in the bathroom and falling and trying to grab the shower curtain but I guess I missed it and fell into the tub. My hip has been absolutely throbbing today, to the point that I almost called me doctor to see if he could look at it. I brought the mattress cover down stairs to throw it in the washing machine and noticed that every single light in my house was turned on and my belt was at the bottom of the stairs (I guess I started undressing on the way upstairs?) I get to the kitchen and notice a large aluminum container on my stove and I'm thinking what in the world is that? I open it up and discover it is filled with roasted potatoes that I apparently stole from the event last night and brought home. There was a ton of potatos in that thing. I contemplated calling in to work but decided to man up and go in. At lunch I picked up Little 'Zooks at school and brought him to my Mom's house. When he got in the back seat he then asked why there were potatoes in the car. I look back there and the floor of my back seat was filled with roasted potatoes. I guess the cover wasn't securely on that thing when I drove home. After dropping him off and having a liquid-dynomite-poop-explosion in my parent's bathroom, I went back to my house to wash the rest of my sheets. I pick up my sheets off the bedroom floor and find my clothes from last night underneath the sheets and my clothes were covered with my vomit. Lovely. I was then wondering why the vomit got on my clothes and thru the bed sheets to the matress cover, but the blanket didn't get any. So I checked the blanket and sure enough there were some splatterings on there as well. Which meant that when I had woken up this morning and pulled the blanket over for warmth, I was using a blanket covered with my own vomit without even realizing it. Awesome.
I'm feeling much better now. 22 year old came over for a quick visit to "make me feel better". She is really getting a kick out of me hurting my hip because as she puts it "all old people break their hips". I told her that when she makes a joke about me being older than her, I want her to refer to me as Tanner. She doesn't understand it, but she cheerfully plays along to amuse me.
After last night's ridiculous amount of drinking and the blackouts and injuries that followed, I have decided that I am definitely giving up drinking for the next couple of days.
bakes
I am the Beer God!
Fixed that one. I hate McDonalds with a passion but these things... nomnomnom.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Makes me want to develop an eating disorder. Gonna have to mainline my lipitor.
shuke
Black Ice Skeptic
So you guys won't even be sitting together?
General Malaise
Footballguy
They don't come with cheese...that cost me $0.35 cents extra. Is that normal? I thought these always came with cheese? I avoid McDonald's too, but today I woke up with just a teeny weeny tiny little hangover...not the kind where you need a bong rip to just get moving or the kind that makes me consider taking an upright nap on the toilet of our company's bathroom...but the kind that just needed a little grease in the belly. I eat yogurt/berries/granola most every day at work...that wasn't going to cut it.
Also, McDonald's coffee? It's really good. And at a buck, it almost makes more sense than $2.25 at Starbucks.
Brit - Sorry.
Crazy Canuck
Footballguy
Going to need a ruling here. The same guy has been sitting in my "friends requests" for awhile now. Bogart? Also, I appear on the top of Krista's newsfeed because I'm the one she most often FB stalks. Yes.
Sorry about bailing on the housesitting vacation. I'll miss the shtick factor the most, as I'd already planned on doing daily recaps in the GMTAN, which of course would have spurred me to find crazy stuff to do to make them more interesting, which of course would involve me drinking heavily in local watering holes, which of course would involve donkey shows (I had hoped), which of course would end in a curious brothel, then a third world prison, then with a doctor who speaks no English shooting me up with penicillin for a scorching case of gonorrhea. Nevermind. I'm glad I bailed.
Kubes
Footballguy
thank god
General Malaise
Footballguy
Much more fun this way. You get to try and spot them out like some sort of adventure game...I like the idea of you walking up to strangers and asking them "Excuse me, are you Damon, aka Cosjobs from the boards?".
shuke
Black Ice Skeptic
I'm pretty freaked out.
General Malaise
Footballguy
See? He's going to see this...he's not going to like it. We should be NICE to Tre. Bring him back in slowly and gingerly. i was kinda mean, i said some things...but if Chicago taught me nothing else in life, they taught me
General Malaise
Footballguy
What's the Simone reference?I'm pretty freaked out.
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