GM's thread about nothing (25 Viewers)

[Tiger Fan]

Rough draft:

This is usually the part of the ceremony where I like to give the bride and groom a little advice on how to have a happy marriage. But I’m a little hesitant to do so for a couple of reasons. First of all Tara and Nick already have a strong relationship. Secondly my wife is here today and I’m not sure if she would start laughing in the middle of this. I won’t point her out but she’ll be the pretty red-head rolling her eyes.

Never bring up his or her past mistakes. They will make plenty of new ones you can use against them.

Never argue over whose job is hardest or who does the most work. I think between drilling a hole several thousand feet into the ground and keeping 35 13 year olds in their seats it’s pretty much a tie. (he's a petroleum engineer, she's a teacher0

Nothing is more important than really listening to what your spouse is saying. At least I think that’s what my wife was going on about the other day.

Never argue about money. There will never be enough of it anyway.

Men should always take their wife’s advice when it comes to fashion. Back when we were shooting each other with BB guns and trying to jump our bikes over trashcans they were playing dress-up.

For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.

For men: Do not expect your wife to not change.

Just remember that there really is no secret to a successful marriage. Probably the only real piece of advice I can give you is no matter what challenges you face in the upcoming years that you love each other and that should conquer all. In every situation you two face as husband and wife just remember the immortal words of Lenny Kravitz: “You’ve got to let love rule.Red Red Wine You Make Me Feel So Fine”

Not sure about the Lenny Kravitz thing. I put that in for another couple where the groom was a guitarist. Hell Kravitz was big before these guys were born.

2nd attempt

 

[Bogart]

Rough draft:

This is usually the part of the ceremony where I like to give the bride and groom a little advice on how to have a happy marriage. But I’m a little hesitant to do so for a couple of reasons. First of all Tara and Nick already have a strong relationship. Secondly my wife is here today and I’m not sure if she would start laughing in the middle of this. I won’t point her out but she’ll be the pretty red-head rolling her eyes.

Never bring up his or her past mistakes. They will make plenty of new ones you can use against them.

Never argue over whose job is hardest or who does the most work. I think between drilling a hole several thousand feet into the ground and keeping 35 13 year olds in their seats it’s pretty much a tie. (he's a petroleum engineer, she's a teacher0

Nothing is more important than really listening to what your spouse is saying. At least I think that’s what my wife was going on about the other day.

Never argue about money. There will never be enough of it anyway.

Men should always take their wife’s advice when it comes to fashion. Back when we were shooting each other with BB guns and trying to jump our bikes over trashcans they were playing dress-up.

For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.

For men: Do not expect your wife to not change.

Just remember that there really is no secret to a successful marriage. Probably the only real piece of advice I can give you is no matter what challenges you face in the upcoming years that you love each other and that should conquer all. In every situation you two face as husband and wife just remember the immortal words of Lenny Kravitz: “You’ve got to let love rule.”

Not sure about the Lenny Kravitz thing. I put that in for another couple where the groom was a guitarist. Hell Kravitz was big before these guys were born.

This is good stuff. I like it.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Holy crap I just had the best donut ever.Krispy Kreme oreo cookies and cream -- glazed donut with cookies n cream filling, topped with oreo crumbles and white icing..:fatty:

Just landed back in the good ole USA and had a buttery pretzel, coke icee, and followed up with a brownie/cookie hybrid from the Toll House stand in the harrport

How are you still skinny?

I eat good most of the time...but when I eat bad, I go full on Shuke with it

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

Now pretend your wife loves every second of those 10 hours and that it all reminds her of when she was little.We are trying soccer again this fall, GD it.

 

[Sconch]

at the misquote shtick. She should have invited some more FBGs.

"...in the immortal words of John Lennon "she's got electric boobs...a mohair suit"

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

I like it a lot Sconch. But you gotta end it with "Congratulations, you poor dumb *******."

 

[Sconch]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

The only thing that comes close if you have sons is wrestling tournaments. 4-5 hours long and your kid only wrestles maybe 4 or 5 times if they're not crappy.

 

[Gadzooks]

So I've got this wedding tonight. The bride is a woman I work with. About 3 weeks ago I did a wedding for one of her friends. Apparently I did a pretty good job judging by all the compliments I got. There will be a lot of the same people at this wedding. I can't do the same bad-### ceremony. So I'm trying to write new stuff. I've got writer's block.

The bride asked me to make it "sorta funny". I'm thinking of giving them a few pieces of advice but I don't want to do any of the old, cliche stuff.

Help me out.

Both Lionel and myself are fine with you using the following:

"As we go down life's lonesome's highway (dramatic pause as I sigh)

It seems (slight dramatic pause) the hardest thing to do, (now looking directly at engaged couple)

Is to find (pause, fake like I'm choking up) a friend, or 2.

That helping hand (pause, close my eyes and bite my quivering lower lip)

Someone who understands.

When you feel (slight pause) you've lost your way,

You've got someone there to say: (very dramatic pause)

I'll show you. (now tapping my fist on my heart and pointing to the happy couple)

 

[General Malaise]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

Now pretend your wife loves every second of those 10 hours and that it all reminds her of when she was little.We are trying soccer again this fall, GD it.

Thank god my wife was a tom boy.

 

[Sconch]

So I've got this wedding tonight. The bride is a woman I work with. About 3 weeks ago I did a wedding for one of her friends. Apparently I did a pretty good job judging by all the compliments I got. There will be a lot of the same people at this wedding. I can't do the same bad-### ceremony. So I'm trying to write new stuff. I've got writer's block.

The bride asked me to make it "sorta funny". I'm thinking of giving them a few pieces of advice but I don't want to do any of the old, cliche stuff.

Help me out.

Both Lionel and myself are fine with you using the following:

"As we go down life's lonesome's highway (dramatic pause as I sigh)

It seems (slight dramatic pause) the hardest thing to do, (now looking directly at engaged couple)

Is to find (pause, fake like I'm choking up) a friend, or 2.

That helping hand (pause, close my eyes and bite my quivering lower lip)

Someone who understands.

When you feel (slight pause) you've lost your way,

You've got someone there to say: (very dramatic pause)

I'll show you. (now tapping my fist on my heart and pointing to the happy couple)

still perfect

 

[-fish-]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

I may have cried tears of joy when my daughter decided to quit ballet. I went to a 4-hour recital where she went second but the teacher convinced all of the parents that it was poor form to leave early since the last kids would have no one in the audience but their own families.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Who would like a text later?

PM me your number. Other choices include HJS, GM & YSR.

Pm sent

 

[-fish-]

Want to know what happens to American Idol contestants that finish 9th? They volunteer to put on a charity benefit for a private elementary school and sell a grand total of 30 tickets.

 

[kevzilla]

Your wife comes out of the kitchen and yells at you. What have you done wrong?

Gave her too much chain

 

[Good Posting Judge]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

You can't find out what time your kid's going to be on, and just show up for that? Yeesh.

 

[-fish-]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

You can't find out what time your kid's going to be on, and just show up for that? Yeesh.

frowned upon. you don't want to have to deal with the scorn of a failed dancer turned kids' teacher. she'll turn the other parents against you.

 

[bostonfred]

Where is the wedding?

 

[Thorn]

Your wife comes out of the kitchen and yells at you. What have you done wrong?

Gave her too much chain

I was going to go with "got a haircut without supervision"

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

You can't find out what time your kid's going to be on, and just show up for that? Yeesh.

That makes waaaaaay too much sense.These people arrive before the doors to the facility open and then scramble to reserve tons of seats for family and friends.Its seriously a scene straight out of Idiocracy. And treats these little girls like princesses so they can grow up and be disappointed by guys like us here in the GMTAN.ETA: I think I will try to record the dash for seats that goes on hours before the show and share it with this thread, Rite-Aid style.

 

[bostonfred]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

I may have cried tears of joy when my daughter decided to quit ballet. I went to a 4-hour recital where she went second but the teacher convinced all of the parents that it was poor form to leave early since the last kids would have no one in the audience but their own families.

Tell her that it's poor form to put together a four hour recital, and that she's nuttier than Black Swan if she thinks you're there to help her realize her dream of choreographing the world's longest children's ballet. Pair em up and get them out in time for ice cream.

 

[-fish-]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

You can't find out what time your kid's going to be on, and just show up for that? Yeesh.

That makes waaaaaay too much sense.These people arrive before the doors to the facility open and then scramble to reserve tons of seats for family and friends.Its seriously a scene straight out of Idiocracy. And treats these little girls like princesses so they can grow up and be disappointed by guys like us here in the GMTAN.ETA: I think I will try to record the dash for seats that goes on hours before the show and share it with this thread, Rite-Aid style.

Dance recitals, weddings and football games are the only events that I've ever taken a flask to.

 

[Sconch]

Where is the wedding?

At a pretty swanky country club. The wedding venue is about 50 feet from the practice putting green.

 

[Tremendous Upside]

Where is the wedding?

At a pretty swanky country club. The wedding venue is about 50 feet from the practice putting green.

The jokes write themselves.

 

[Sconch]

Where is the wedding?

At a pretty swanky country club. The wedding venue is about 50 feet from the practice putting green.

The jokes write themselves.

and we all thought Nick putted from the rough

 

[R. Duke]

I'm thinking about putting down my 9 year old boxer.

sorry to hear about this

 

[kevzilla]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.

I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

 

[Sconch]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

The volume of your hair is like the volume of a Who concert circa 1975.

 

[shuke]

I'm with Shuke in the appreciation if Miller High Life. Best around when you consider price.

 

[General Malaise]

Tomorrow is dance recital day. I am very proud and enjoy myself for the 6? total minutes my daughter gets to dance to her 2 routines. I ####### hate the other 27 hours. And my blushing bride of course eats it up.

This is reason number 3 why I'm glad I have boys only. My co-worker has a daughter who is almost 7. He goes to recitals that are - not making this up - 10 hours long. And his daughter is on stage for maybe 30 minutes total. I don't know how in the hell you guys do this. I'd contemplate another divorce if ever faced with this. I'm not joking. No way I could do this. 10 hours? Watching other kids dance? Nope. Not a chance.

You can't find out what time your kid's going to be on, and just show up for that? Yeesh.

That makes waaaaaay too much sense.These people arrive before the doors to the facility open and then scramble to reserve tons of seats for family and friends.

Its seriously a scene straight out of Idiocracy. And treats these little girls like princesses so they can grow up and be disappointed by guys like us here in the GMTAN.

ETA: I think I will try to record the dash for seats that goes on hours before the show and share it with this thread, Rite-Aid style.

Well, god bless you, Buck Bradcanon. You are a more patient and tolerant man than I. After my co-worker told me about his experience at the dance recital on a Saturday, I raced home and made my wife PROMISE to never enroll any future daughters in any sort of dance. Ever. She agreed. I just physically cannot sit through something like this. An hour of church takes all my will power...multiple hours of watching other people's kids dance to music that makes me want to commit homicide with no distractions and no talking...these are my nightmares.I just went to my co-worker's wife's facebook page to get some pictures...she's really into this dance crap, which is why the daughter is really into it. Take a look at this picture. Apparently, it's not just for girls anymore. NTTAWT Settle down, Homer.

 

[General Malaise]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

The volume of your hair is like the volume of a Who concert circa 1975.

The only other person I've ever seen with that hair-do palled around with Han Solo and carried a sling of machine gun bullets like a sash.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

What do you mean "you did a wedding." Are you the priest or DJ?

Ordained minister from the Universal Life Church. Kiss my ring.

Scientologist?

 

[Gadzooks]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

The volume of your hair is like the volume of a Who concert circa 1975.

The only other person I've ever seen with that hair-do palled around with Han Solo and carried a sling of machine gun bullets like a sash.

At all of this.

 

[Sconch]

What do you mean "you did a wedding." Are you the priest or DJ?

Ordained minister from the Universal Life Church. Kiss my ring.

Scientologist?

No. I don't have what they want...money.

 

[-fish-]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.

I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

The volume of your hair is like the volume of a Who concert circa 1975.

The only other person I've ever seen with that hair-do palled around with Han Solo and carried a sling of machine gun bullets like a sash.

childhood photo

 

[eoMMan]

I just had 3 ice cold Miller Lites while at work and BSing with coworkers and one of my bosses....SLAP IT HIGH?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

 

[DA RAIDERS]

I just had 3 ice cold Miller Lites while at work and BSing with coworkers and one of my bosses....SLAP IT HIGH?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

 

[Leeroy Jenkins]

Women-- if it weren't for what's between their legs, we'd hunt them down like coyotes.

I'd go with this.

but you have to pronounce it 'KAI-oats'

I had a Brazilian physics teacher who happened to be the ugliest women every conceived on Brazilian soil who pronounced it koy-O-Tay. I'm not sure why she used coyotes as examples in physics either.

 

[FatMax]

My office is ordering lunch today and I'm getting a chicken parm sandwich....I'M PUMPED!!!

Famous Daves here. Manhandler FTW.

No Torta?

 

[eoMMan]

My office is ordering lunch today and I'm getting a chicken parm sandwich....I'M PUMPED!!!

Famous Daves here. Manhandler FTW.

Famous Daves pwns. Good job. I would say that they are the best ribs I've ever tasted. Yeah, I said it....come at me, rib snobs.

 

[Sconch]

My office is ordering lunch today and I'm getting a chicken parm sandwich....I'M PUMPED!!!

Famous Daves here. Manhandler FTW.

Famous Daves pwns. Good job. I would say that they are the best ribs I've ever tasted. Yeah, I said it....come at me, rib snobs.

Great burgers too.

 

[kevzilla]

The volume of posts the last few days in the GMTAN is staggering.I know, it's nothing compared to the volume of my hair. I get it.

The volume of your hair is like the volume of a Who concert circa 1975.

The only other person I've ever seen with that hair-do palled around with Han Solo and carried a sling of machine gun bullets like a sash.

I KNOW I haven't posted any shirtless pics.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Rough draft:

This is usually the part of the ceremony where I like to give the bride and groom a little advice on how to have a happy marriage. But I’m a little hesitant to do so for a couple of reasons. First of all Tara and Nick already have a strong relationship. Secondly my wife is here today and I’m not sure if she would start laughing in the middle of this. I won’t point her out but she’ll be the pretty red-head rolling her eyes.

Never bring up his or her past mistakes. They will make plenty of new ones you can use against them.

Never argue over whose job is hardest or who does the most work. I think between drilling a hole several thousand feet into the ground and keeping 35 13 year olds in their seats it’s pretty much a tie. (he's a petroleum engineer, she's a teacher0

Nothing is more important than really listening to what your spouse is saying. At least I think that’s what my wife was going on about the other day.

Never argue about money. There will never be enough of it anyway.

Men should always take their wife’s advice when it comes to fashion. Back when we were shooting each other with BB guns and trying to jump our bikes over trashcans they were playing dress-up.

For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.

For men: Do not expect your wife to not change.

Just remember that there really is no secret to a successful marriage. Probably the only real piece of advice I can give you is no matter what challenges you face in the upcoming years that you love each other and that should conquer all. In every situation you two face as husband and wife just remember the immortal words of Lenny Kravitz: “You’ve got to let love rule.” Hopefully you didn't just marry a whore.

Not sure about the Lenny Kravitz thing. I put that in for another couple where the groom was a guitarist. Hell Kravitz was big before these guys were born.

 

[Early_10]

Sconch> Every newly married couple should learn early on that men make all the important decisions. Women decide whats important.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I'm drinking a Bud Select right now and I stomped teh copperhead after I was told what it was, jackfaces.

Fish count:

Cal-0

Dylan-0

SLB-0

Mrs SLB-3

<_<

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Oh, yeah, the boys were getting bored and wanted to come in and I had a terrible something bubbling in my bowels so I agreed going in was a GREAT idea. Get the boat back and docked and I realize I can't move or I'll mess myself. My lip with quivering and I may have been crying a little when Mrs. SLB asked me if I wanted her to get the car and drive down to the dock to pick me up so I wouldn't have to maneuver up the hill. I haven't agreed to sex as fast as I agreed to that arrangement It seemed like she was taking forever and I quickly began going through my options. I didn't see any way out of this one so I unbuttoned my pants and that scene from War Games started going through my head, keys were getting turned, sirens were going off. Then, thank God, it stopped and sh arrived at the bottom of the hill. So I made it back to home base just in time. Stupid IBS.

 

[Tecumseh]

Oh, yeah, the boys were getting bored and wanted to come in and I had a terrible something bubbling in my bowels so I agreed going in was a GREAT idea. Get the boat back and docked and I realize I can't move or I'll mess myself. My lip with quivering and I may have been crying a little when Mrs. SLB asked me if I wanted her to get the car and drive down to the dock to pick me up so I wouldn't have to maneuver up the hill. I haven't agreed to sex as fast as I agreed to that arrangement It seemed like she was taking forever and I quickly began going through my options. I didn't see any way out of this one so I unbuttoned my pants and that scene from War Games started going through my head, keys were getting turned, sirens were going off. Then, thank God, it stopped and sh arrived at the bottom of the hill. So I made it back to home base just in time. Stupid IBS.

http://tinyurl.com/5rdg5uu

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

Oh, yeah, the boys were getting bored and wanted to come in and I had a terrible something bubbling in my bowels so I agreed going in was a GREAT idea. Get the boat back and docked and I realize I can't move or I'll mess myself. My lip with quivering and I may have been crying a little when Mrs. SLB asked me if I wanted her to get the car and drive down to the dock to pick me up so I wouldn't have to maneuver up the hill. I haven't agreed to sex as fast as I agreed to that arrangement It seemed like she was taking forever and I quickly began going through my options. I didn't see any way out of this one so I unbuttoned my pants and that scene from War Games started going through my head, keys were getting turned, sirens were going off. Then, thank God, it stopped and sh arrived at the bottom of the hill. So I made it back to home base just in time. Stupid IBS.

http://tinyurl.com/5rdg5uu

HFS.

 

[commisholio]

I guess I should have known what that was, but I didn't really need to see it again.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

That was a possibility but not an actual option.

 

[The Gator]

Oh, yeah, the boys were getting bored and wanted to come in and I had a terrible something bubbling in my bowels so I agreed going in was a GREAT idea. Get the boat back and docked and I realize I can't move or I'll mess myself. My lip with quivering and I may have been crying a little when Mrs. SLB asked me if I wanted her to get the car and drive down to the dock to pick me up so I wouldn't have to maneuver up the hill. I haven't agreed to sex as fast as I agreed to that arrangement It seemed like she was taking forever and I quickly began going through my options. I didn't see any way out of this one so I unbuttoned my pants and that scene from War Games started going through my head, keys were getting turned, sirens were going off. Then, thank God, it stopped and sh arrived at the bottom of the hill. So I made it back to home base just in time. Stupid IBS.

http://tinyurl.com/5rdg5uu

is it poo?