Here's my own personal attempt at re-telling a true story in Zooks type fashion (with apologies to the master). Also I have too much respect for YSR and Krista so ladies please close your eyes and ears for a sec.
I got my vasectomy back in late May. When you get a vasectomy you have to go back approximately 2 months later to offer a donation to make sure the babies have been removed from the batter.. to make sure the procedure worked. They gave me a small sanitary cup to do my business in when the time was right. As with everything else in my life I put it off for a while as the cup sat in my nightstand for a few weeks past the first opportunity. But this week I decided it was time.
I call the office just to make sure I remember the protocol. The clerk has obviously had this conversation a few more times than me as she was able to handle the subject matter with more class than I possess. “Yes sir just call our office to make sure the doctor is in that day, collect a sample and bring it to our office within 2 hours.” Easy enough right?
But obviously this place holds regular business hours so it’s not like I can bring them my cup at my normal collection time of 10pm or so in the evenings. So yesterday I said eff it and I basically just start driving over there at lunch thinking I’ll figure something out. I guess in retrospect the prudent thing to do would be to go home ( I guess?) and then drive over there with my donation but that’s a lot of backtracking. I call the clerk again just to kinda make sure that this is really how this #### is supposed to go down. I got up the nerve to ask if they “had an extra room or anything where I could just do the deed there.” (I swear). She kindly and professionally said they were not set up for that or some such.
So I park the car at the doctor’s office and still am not 100% sure on my plan. My first thought is to just go at it right there in the parking garage.. but I wasn’t sure I could get 3G in the garage and if I got caught in the act I wasn’t sure if I’d be breaking any laws. So I head upstairs into this old medical office building and head to the nearest restroom. As I am walking in, an old gentleman in what had to be his 80s was walking out. He was cross-eyed I think and had a trucker style farm style cap on. Real salt of the earth type fella..really helped set the mood. I’m thinking man that old ******* would turn over in his soon to be occupied grave if he knew what I was about to engage in.
The bathroom was relatively clean all things considered. I head to a stall and shut the door behind me. The logistics are perplexing to say the least. There’s my phone, the cup, and my junk and I’ve only got 2 hands. I’ve never really researched actual pron on my phone (there’s gotta be an App for that) so I’m trying to make the magic happen with 1 and 2 minute youtube softcore preview looking stuff. I also stupidly emptied the chamber with my beautiful wife the night prior which wasn’t helping matters. I just could NOT get going. Nothing.
I had started with my feet kinda facing forward so that anyone who came in (and checked my feet? which makes no sense) would think I was pooping. After some amount of time I decided I’d get better leverage with the phone on the handicap rail and me sideways as it were in the stall. There we go..now we are getting some action. Multiple times as things were just about to get done the youtube clip would end and I would shrivel back to a cooked piece of spaghetti while I clumsily search for another minute and a half clip. I’ve got a long sleeve dress shirt on in there and its starting to get hot and I go from comfortable to sweating buckets in no time flat. Then came the best moment of the whole ordeal. For a split second my feet start to slip out from under me. Both hands occupied and still, I don’t know, trying to keep quiet I guess(?) my body’s reaction was to brace myself with my head. My friggin head (not that one my real head) bangs up against the wall and loudly rattles this friggin cage I am in!
Somehow, some way ( I don’t remember the clip that finally got me there, but do you ever?) I did what I had to do. I throw the closed off cup into a Ziploc and then a Target bag and head over to the office. For whatever reason the halls were nice and cool but the actual doctor’s office is profusely hot. I’m like WTF? Anyways point being I was still noticeably sweating as I hand this poor soul my cup of stuff. I mean sweating. Like I had to wipe my forehead off onto the sleeve of my medium blue dress shirt which only served to show up as streaks of darker blue on the shirt.
I stay sitting in the oven office for like 10 minutes since the doc is with another patient. With a suggestion from my wife to just ask them if they can call me with the results and the clerk says that’s OK, I leave. On a measure of tilt not seen in some time, I struggle for 5 plus minutes in my car trying to locate my parking ticket only to realize it was in my shirt pocket. But hey, I guess I can have unprotected fun with my wife now without the possibility of producing another me, which is nice.
Oh, and since my nuts had already been literally clipped I figuratively clipped them on the way home by buying a Prius.
Yeah, we need Early dating tales. 
