This is where I write a long story about panic attacks and how I need help from any of you who has experience. Will likely start a thread in the new year, but there are too many distractions for it to gain traction during this time of year.
---------
I know I've posted here before about a panic attack I had a few years ago, but for one reason or another, I can't find it, so I am just starting anew.
The attack I had a few years was directly tied into stress. I had started a new job in outside sales, was trying to fill the biggest shoes in the company while spending time outside the office learning the technology, etc. Basically, working about 70 hours a week and still feeling like I was getting nowhere. One day I get a great lead for a sale that will close that day, and I do everything "right". The guy comes back to me later and says that the decision was taken out of his hands and they went with someone else. Probably a lie, but whatever. Problem was, the lead came from the VP of our company and he of course called to follow up on it. I had to tell him (a guy who intimidated the heck out of me) that I lost the sale. It was horrible.
On my way home that evening, I had my first panic attack. It hit almost out of nowhere, but I couldn't breathe and I had to pull my car onto the shoulder of the 4-lane highway on which I was driving. I was so upset by the whole thing that I called into work sick for the next two days and didn't leave my house. Completely mentally debilitating.
I got an Rx for Xanax after that attack, but I hate the way it makes me feel so I don't take it. Also, I really haven't had a need for it. I have anxiety over flying, but no true attacks.
Fast forward a few years. Yesterday, my husband and I decided to take the back roads from Knoxville, TN to Greenville, SC - by way of Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg and the casino in Cherokee, NC. Great day to start... nice weather, such fun in the car together, great fun at the casino, etc. Then it's time to leave, around 6:30 PM.
The weather was horrible. Dark, of course, but also that horrible kind of rain that prevents any sort of visibility. Mr. YSR doesn't have 20/20 and is pretty bad with the nighttime/rain combination, so I offered to drive. The combination of not really knowing where I was going (we had a map on our phones, but I'd never driven this route before), the conditions, and the jerks who were riding my tail eventually sent me reeling.
We were going over a hill and I couldn't see at all. I was driving very slowly with my hazards on, but it just became too much for me. I started to hyperventilate, but I recognized that we were in a treacherous situation and I tried my damnedest to stay calm. I wanted to vomit. I felt like I was going to pass out. I could. not. breathe. I was vocalizing all of this in the calmest way I could (again, I was trying to stave off the full blown attack), and my husband kept saying in a forceable-but-calming way that I needed to PULL OVER.
We finally exited and parked in a restaurant parking lot, where I proceeded to weep and shake involuntarily. I finally went inside and dry-heaved in the restaurant for a good 3 minutes. Still feeling like I couldn't breathe, I got back in the car and proceeded to have fleeting moments of the same attack for the 2 hours it took us (with the rain) to get to my parents' house. He had to drive through some terrible conditions with a wife who was constantly grabbing the "oh ####" handle and crying, so as horrible as the night was for me, I'm not sure who had the worse trip.
My parents had plates of food prepared for us, but I was so knotted up inside that I couldn't eat. I thought I would crash, but didn't end up falling asleep until just before 2:00 AM (?) and had very spotty sleep from that point on.
This whole thing is really horrible and I'm not really sure how to handle it. Do I go see a psychologist? Hypnotherapist? Am I just going to get these from time to time as I get older and more like my mother? I'm concerned for myself, of course, but also for my husband. He is a kind and patient man, but I can't constantly be a nightmare to him when we travel in anything less than ideal conditions.
Thanks for reading and/or any insight. Mostly just feels good to write it down.