I'm counting on Guster to write on Friday and Saturday night, but here is my attempt to elaborate on Sunday night: The Night With Homer.So after the game Sunday night, Stu, Homer, Thorn, Uni and I piled into the car and headed down to Kung Fu Saloon. Stu graciously gave up shotgun to Homer, our valiant warrior, who had yet to travel with us to the wild world of 6th street. As I drove the 6.8 miles to get there, I think the other four consumed double digit beers. There is no wasted time with this well oiled machine.We arrive at the establishment, known for it's retro video games and skeeball, and also now known for cheap-### beer ($2 Miller Lites. You would have thought they were giving them away), and weave our way through the very crowded but very attractive crowd. Homer buys shots for everyone. Now, please note, Homer buying shots isn't like others buying shots. Buck Bradcanon bought shots on Saturday and they were some sort of fruity Red Bully shot that went down like orange Fanta. Homer buys man shots. Jameson. Patron. Mixers are for #######. So, being caught off guard, I shot Jameson out my nose for the first time in my life. But with Homer, you learn this is just the beginning.At some point, our hero Stu is off holding court with two bachelorette parties, a Swedish bikini team and a local cheerleader group. After three days, we learn, this is not uncommon with our hero Stu. As Thorn put it, "It's like watching a magician. You know the trick is coming, but you still can't see it." Homer and Uni have made their way to the out patio to put poison smoke in their lungs. That left me and Thorn hanging out. Well, Thorn sees dancing, eyes light up like a kid on Christmas morning, and he is off. Do you know who loves dancing Thorn? Everyone. They think he is ####### adorable. I drink my beer and contemplate playing the Super Contra machine that I am leaning on.At this point this very cute, pretty drunk girl walks up to me and introduces herself. After feeling really good about myself for about 3.2 seconds, she follows up with, "Where is your tall friend?" F'in Stu. This is why he is Our Hero. He doesn't even have to be in the area, and girls want him. I did give Homer the benefit of the doubt and asked if the "tall friend" had a hat on or not. She was not looking for our tall friend with the hat. She was looking for Our Hero. I told her he would be back any minute and we small talked, very awkwardly. Thorn came back by, then was off dancing again. Finally she heads to the patio. I text Stu that a girl is looking for him, and then realize this is like telling him water is wet or Homer is drunk.Fast forward a bit, Homer, Uni and I have settled into a nice corner of the patio to people watch and drink beer. Homer is working the door, forgetting he is off the clock, and Stu is conversing with drunk blonde girl. Stu ends the conversation with Drunk Blonde as he spots a Nubian Goddess and begins conversations with her. Somehow Stu, Nubian Goddess (NG) and Drunk Blonde (DB; newly scorned) have made their way to our corner of the patio. Oh, and Uni, the sneaky smooth player, has now started his own conversation with NG's friend. Homer may or may not have had something to do with this.Now, as Stu and NG continue talks, DB is getting upset. She takes it out on our beer bottles, trying to hit the tops of each one with hers to make them spill. She really is not overly good at this. She hits Stu's brand new beer, knocking it out of his hand and sending it crashing to the floor. Stu is so ####### smooth, another beer magically appears in his hand, and he continues discussing world politics and how to save the children with NG. Homer takes this time to reprimand DB, telling her to "get your ### back in the bar, and you buy another round. You go. NOW!! Another round. You make this good." At one point my bottle was cracked from her hitting it so many times, I may or may not have drank shards of glass, and Homer hit her bottle to make it spill. DB proceeded to pour it at Homer which caused him to take his bottle of beer and pour it on his own head, and yelling "You really think that bothers me?? Well, do ya?? I don't give a ####!!" So her and I went into the bar to buy beers and make it good. Which was stupid, because we had built up a stash of at least a 6-pack of undrank beers. Cheap beer is always around.Now here is the magic of Homer. As this is going on, he is pulling me aside, pointing to DB and telling me "You go get that. You ####### go get that." Meanwhile, he is pulling DB aside and telling her, "Are you going to let NG take your man? Are you going to actually let that happen? You go after him!!" This is the genius that is Puppetmaster Drunken Homer. I'm trying to use my 1.5 bar moves on this girl (Really Homer, ask her who she hates?) and this girl keeps trying to get Stu's attention. And NG is starring daggers at both DB and me, like our cluster#### is even phasing Our Hero (Spoiler, it wasn't. The guy is a ####### machine.)So Uni is in conversation with his girl, Stu is explaining to NG how the Peace Corps really is a good thing, Thorn is the cute minority in an awesome dance circle back inside and I'm pathetically playing goalie with DB, trying to keep her from grabbing Stu's ### and kicking his leg. She thought both of these actions would be beneficial. Her and I even left to play Skeeball for a while. My four year old does a better job of keeping the balls on the path, but I digress. This left Homer to his thoughts for a moment as he stared into the evening sky. About this time a guy walks by on the sidewalk, reaches over the half wall back into the patio and grabs a jacket that had been sitting there. It very well could have been his jacket. At worst it wasn't, but whoever it was hadn't been there for some time, and wasn't coming back. Homer sees his and the guy yells at Homer that it was his jacket. Homer politely replys, "I don't give a ####" and gives him the finger. Now in the real world, the guy has his jacket and should just walk down the street. Instead we get a yelling match with the bouncer holding back jacket guy (who was half Homer's size) and Thorn (fresh from a Soul Train line) and me holding back Homer, which was probably comical to look at. Homer continues with his stance of not giving a #### about what the guy does, and proceeds to pick up a 2x4 from the giant Jenga game to show this guy just how much he doesn't give a ####. Cooler heads prevail. More beer is drank. No one plays Jenga.Finally at one point, around 1:30, DB was ready to go home. She asks one last time "should I shake his hand or something" and I politely tell her no, Our Hero shall not be interrupted. Homer buys a round at 1:58, and then is pissed when they (I quit drinking an hour earlier as I was to drive this group safely back to AO) had to chug them as the lights came on. Homer had yet another spirited conversation with another gentleman and his friend in the street and we headed to the parking garage. Back at the parking garage, Homer and Thorn went to different corners to give beer back, Homer finished, zipped up, walked to the car, got in the car, sat down, collected his thoughts, looked around, rolled down his window, and yelled to Thorn, "Are you done yet???"Good times had by all. All I can say is, Thank God Homer did not go out with us Friday or Saturday, there is no way personally I could have survived.
Side note: anyone else struggling with a sore throat and fever this morning?
Fantastic
