What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

Going to a boozy lunch today; which joke should I tell? (1 Viewer)

Which is the funniest joke?

  • Total voters
    54
Evilgrin 72 said:
#3 punchline is telegraphed.

#1 is probably the funniest, but also the easiest to mess up in person, it's long and has details in it that, while not necessary to memorize, make the joke better.  If you fumble through that part, it will neuter the joke.

I would go #2.
Click to expand...
I told #1 about 10 times today, each slightly different. I found it very easy to ad lib.

I must respectfully disagree.

 
Told them all and added a short 4th one.  All well received even in my drunken state.  There was probably 40 minutes of jokes in total.

There may be an audio recording of some of them. :bag:  

 
Jesus is hanging on the cross at his crucifixion.  He looks out to the gathered crowd and calls out to Peter, "Peter, my disciple, come to me.  Come to your lord in his hour of need."  Peter faithfully approaches Jesus on the cross, but is beaten back by the Roman guards.  No matter how hard Peter fights, it is no use.  As Peter crawls back to the crown of gathered onlookers, Jesus again calls out to him, "Peter, my rock, in my darkest hour, I now need you more than ever.  Please, come to me and hear my dying words."  Peter, without hesitation, again tries to approach Jesus.  This time, he is beaten more savagely than the first time.  Peter has no choice but to crawl back into the crowd.

A third time, Jesus calls to Peter, "Peter, the hour is almost upon me.  I need you to join me and to hear my words."  Peter, ever faithful, begins to approach, never once hesitating.  One of the Roman guards looks at the other and says, "Perhaps a man with such faith and devotion should not be turned away.  As beaten as he is, he continues to approach when asked.  Let us let him go."  The guards part and Peter, mustering all of his remaining strength, climbs to the cross and embraces Jesus, "I am here, my lord.  I have made it to your side.  Tell me what it is that you have been yearning to tell me."

Jesus stares off into the distance, raises his chin slowly and states, "I can totally see your house from here."

 
Last edited by a moderator:
ClownCausedChaos2 said:
Jesus is hanging on the cross at his crucifixion.  He looks out to the gathered crowd and calls out to Peter, "Peter, my disciple, come to me.  Come to your lord in his hour of need."  Peter faithfully approaches Jesus on the cross, but is beaten back by the Roman guards.  No matter how hard Peter fights, it is no use.  As Peter crawls back to the crown of gathered onlookers, Jesus again calls out to him, "Peter, my rock, in my darkest hour, I now need you more than ever.  Please, come to me and hear my dying words."  Peter, without hesitation, again tries to approach Jesus.  This time, he is beaten more savagely than the first time.  Peter has no choice but to crawl back into the crowd.

A third time, Jesus calls to Peter, "Peter, the hour is almost upon me.  I need you to join me and to hear my words."  Peter, ever faithful, begins to approach, never once hesitating.  One of the Roman guards looks at the other and says, "Perhaps a man with such faith and devotion should not be turned away.  As beaten as he is, he continues to approach when asked.  Let us let him go."  The guards part and Peter, mustering all of his remaining strength, climbs to the cross and embraces Jesus, "I am here, my lord.  I have made it to your side.  Tell me what it is that you have been yearning to tell me."

Jesus stares off into the distance, raises his chin slowly and states, "I can totally see your house from here."
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
Dan Lambskin said:
3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
rockaction said:
Which one? Because I can explain the "Guys, I ####ed up" joke.  Jesus talking like a Valley Girl is also a little funny, one must admit.  
Click to expand...
Yes.....please explain the “ guys I think I ####ed up “ one.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
RokNRole said:
Yes.....please explain that one.
Click to expand...
Well, it's a play on redemption about foolish choices. You get everything -- three wishes -- and you choose to use it on the most piddling aspects of your life. You want your arm to rotate in certain ways. How dumb is that? It's about acceptance of physical limitations and emotional ones as well. The second guy keeps upping the first to the part where he screws with his wife. It's about mortal coil. It's about accepting the fact that there are certain hard truths in life and that those truths, when given a miraculous break, shouldn't be shunted away over trivialities.  

It's also a physical joke. The person telling it has to be waving his or her arms around and bobbing their head to make it all more ridiculous. 

And, at the end, no redemption. No nothing. You ####ed up your lot in life. You've been granted three earth-shattering wishes and you've wasted them. It's an existential gag, really. And not to hyper-intellectualize it, but it sort of plays on "You get one life. Live it to its fullest." 

And that is the joke. It's fatalistic and Kafka-esque, really.  

 
rockaction said:
Well, it's a play on redemption about foolish choices. You get everything -- three wishes -- and you choose to use it on the most piddling aspects of your life. You want your arm to rotate in certain ways. How dumb is that? It's about acceptance of physical limitations and emotional ones as well. The second guy keeps upping the first to the part where he screws with his wife. It's about mortal coil. It's about accepting the fact that there are certain hard truths in life and that those truths, when given a miraculous break, shouldn't be shunted away over trivialities.  

It's also a physical joke. The person telling it has to be waving his or her arms around and bobbing their head to make it all more ridiculous. 

And, at the end, no redemption. No nothing. You ####ed up your lot in life. You've been granted three earth-shattering wishes and you've wasted them. It's an existential gag, really. And not to hyper-intellectualize it, but it sort of plays on "You get one life. Live it to its fullest." 

And that is the joke. It's fatalistic and Kafka-esque, really.  
Click to expand...
But nobody would choose those 3 wishes.

It doesn’t make any sense.

 
RokNRole said:
But nobody would choose those 3 wishes.

It doesn’t make any sense.
Click to expand...
No, likely not. The joke is a play on those hoping for redemption for really bad life choices. That's what makes the joke so dark, so existential, and so funny.  

I believe in redemption, for what it's worth, which is almost zero.   

eta* It's a listener's joke. It plays on the listener's expectations of happy endings. It's sort of akin to the interrupting cow joke in the knock-knock schematic in that it actively involves the listener as agent, rather than passive.   

 
Last edited by a moderator:
rockaction said:
No, likely not. The joke is a play on those hoping for redemption for really bad life choices. That's what makes the joke so dark, so existential, and so funny.  

I believe in redemption, for what it's worth, which is almost zero.   
Click to expand...
If the joke requires 5 paragraphs to explain it’s not funny.

If it requires the teller to rotate their arms and bob their head then it’s not funny on paper.....( but can be funny in person depending on how much everyone has drank).

Its simply not a good joke.

 
RokNRole said:
If the joke requires 5 paragraphs to explain it’s not funny.

If it requires the teller to rotate their arms and bob their head then it’s not funny on paper.....( but can be funny in person depending on how much everyone has drank).

Its simply not a good joke.
Click to expand...
I seriously got a kick out of it. It's like the poets say (paraphrased), "imagine philosophy condensed and you get good poetry." So I guess it is with this joke to you. Too much matter in the ether. I wish you well. No hard feelings, I hope. 

 
rockaction said:
I seriously got a kick out of it. It's like the poets say (paraphrased), "imagine philosophy condensed and you get good poetry." So I guess it is with this joke to you. Too much matter in the ether. I wish you well. No hard feelings, I hope. 
Click to expand...
 Which poets say that?

 
Last edited by a moderator:
RokNRole said:
 What poets say that?
Click to expand...
I knew you'd ask so I almost looked it up. I remember it being Yeats and Keats and Hecht. Maybe Clement Wood, who wrote a famous rhyming dictionary. I'm not sure I can supply the actual quote, but it goes along these lines, "philosophy is necessary for the poet, never creeping into verse, always in the background." 

It's really a play on how philosophy informs life, as it were. Look, I'm a dilettante, but that philosophy and outlooks inform life is who we are.  

 
rockaction said:
I knew you'd ask so I almost looked it up. I remember it being Yeats and Keats and Hecht. Maybe Clement Wood, who wrote a famous rhyming dictionary. I'm not sure I can supply the actual quote, but it goes along these lines, "philosophy is necessary for the poet, never creeping into verse, always in the background." 

It's really a play on how philosophy informs life, as it were. Look, I'm a dilettante, but that philosophy and outlooks inform life is who we are.  
Click to expand...
None of this makes the joke funny. When I want to laugh at a joke I don’t feel like having an existential crisis just to get the punchline.

 
RokNRole said:
None of this makes the joke funny. When I want to laugh at a joke I don’t feel like having an existential crisis just to get the punchline.
Click to expand...
No, that's fine. Humor is subjective. I just tried to explain why it's funny to some, not to others...

 
Stand-ups can be physical, so the waving of the arms and the nodding of the head can be quantified, as you so astutely pointed out in your post above. Can I rewrite that joke? No, I think it's perfect. You don't like it. That's all there is to it. But if you want to shoot the #### on Sunday morning, bump your thread. I'll post in it.   

 
rockaction said:
Stand-ups can be physical, so the waving of the arms and the nodding of the head can be quantified, as you so astutely pointed out in your post above. Can I rewrite that joke? No, I think it's perfect. You don't like it. That's all there is to it. But if you want to shoot the #### on Sunday morning, bump your thread. I'll post in it.   
Click to expand...
Today’s stand up crowd needs more than arm flailing and head nodding.

That stuff may have been enough to beat Uncle Joey on star search 25 years ago but it just doesn’t cut it anymore.

 
RokNRole said:
Today’s stand up crowd needs more than arm flailing and head nodding.

That stuff may have been enough to beat Uncle Joey on star search 25 years ago but it just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Click to expand...
What does today's stand-up crowd need, then?  

 
RokNRole said:
There is a lack of cohesive narrative.
Click to expand...
Ahh, narrative. What did that writer once say about narrative? 

Third verse, same as the first: 

I'm Henry VIII I am, Henry VIII, I am am 

I got married to the widow next door

She's been married seven times before

And every one was an 'Enery - Henery!

Doesn't take a Willie or Sam - No Sam! 

I'm the eighth old man I'm the 'Enery - 'Enery the VIII I am

 
Last edited by a moderator:
RokNRole said:
Yes.....please explain the “ guys I think I ####ed up “ one.
Click to expand...
It's the misdirection. The listener is expecting the whole time to find out why this guy chose these wishes and in the end it turns out he's just an idiot.

Reminded me a bit of the old joke about the guy who's dating a girl and is meeting he parents for the first time. He's sitting in their living room talking to his new girlfriend's mother and father and their family dog is sitting under his chair. Things are going swimmingly when he feels some gas building up. Suddenly, a small fart squeaks out and the guy is mortified. He's about to apologize when the father says : "Oh Spike! Get in the kitchen!" The dog sheepishly lumbers off and the guy can't believe his luck. A few minutes later, the dog comes back out and sits under his chair again. The guy is still bloated and lets another fart slip, this one a little bigger. The father yells :" Spike! Damn it, I thought I told you to get in the kitchen!" and the dog takes off again. 

A few minutes later, his gas is getting really bad and the guy is about to excuse himself to head to the bathroom when lo and behold, Spike returns and sits right under the guy's chair yet again. The guy figures he'll make amends with the dog later and lets a real rip go. He's finally feeling better when the girl's father jumps up and shouts : "SPIKE, GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE THIS GUY SH*TS ON YOU!" 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Chadstroma
Yet More Proof Women are Impossible to Please
4 5 6
Replies
261
Views
8K
Terminalxylem
Terminalxylem
Terminalxylem
Older *demented* parents dating/getting remarried
2
Replies
96
Views
2K
Leroy Hoard
Leroy Hoard
Anarchy99
  • Poll
What's Normal: In Your Long-Term M/F Relationship, Which Gender Has a 51% or Greater Stake in Decision-Making?
2
Replies
89
Views
2K
Jayrod
Jayrod

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)
Top