What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Have you ever slept with a prostitute? (1 Viewer)

Was in the Bay Area for a raider game and my buddies bday. He is not an attractive man. Think Homer Simpson/Marty Feldman. After the tailgate/game/dinner and drinking excessively for over 12 hours he declares it's time for some #####. Huh? How is he going to get this I think to myself?

Whores!!

We go to a "massage" parlor. 100% asianed. They line up the girls for us to choose, we all select one, and they run off somewhere. but here's where it got weird. The madam, a withered ancient crone, yells at us(every communication from her was in the form of yelling) YOU! YOU!! TAKE CHOWAH NOW!! She grabs my arm and pulls me into a locker room style shower set up. She points at the shower and starts pulling on my clothes. I am HAMMERED. I think to myself, the no way I'm ####### miyagis grandma. I strip and get in the shower, bringing my money with me. The shower feels wonderful!! Apparently, I stand there too long, because the madam comes and smacks my back/### and yells at me to GET OUT, THIS NOT YOUR ####### HOUSE, HERWIE UP!!!

As I walk out holding my clothes awkwardly, she stops me. YOU QWUEEN?? She them proceeds to inspect my junk to the envy of any urologist. She grunts her approval and points me to a door, YOU mASSAGE NOW, HERRWIE UP!! :wub: is in the air. I lay down on my stomach, girl proceeds to half heartily rub my shoulders for about 14 seconds, she then puts her cooter an inch or 2 from my face, and only semi yells, YOU WANT!? It smells like a Goodyear factory or maybe where they make cheap pool rafts.

The scent encourages me to ask for head first. Whiskey **** is in full effect she does her damnedest to get him up and at attention, and bless her, she does it! At this point, she slaps a rubber on it, defeating most of her hard work. And I can hear my friend giggling like a school girl in the next room, that's not helping either. She earns her money furiously trying to prop up my beleaguered member, I swear she tried to gnaw on it to get a reaction. Sweating slightly she gives up and screams at me, YOU TOO DWUNK, YOU STUPID, YOU DWINK TOO MUCH!!

I lay back, dreaming of the wonderful hot shower, I proceed to pass out, naked, on her table. I awaken when I sense the lights being blocked out, I panic, thinking I'm being smothered by a plastic dragon, turns out the little trooper was giving it one more try thinking that a 69 position would help the situation. It did not, my ####### friend is still giggling like he's watching dumb and dumber. I crawl out from under the plastic dragon and thank her and ask if I can have an actual massage, she laughs and runs out of the room.

Miyagis grandma appears. She is NOT happy. WHY YOU COME HEHRHE?? STUPID BOY!! YOU **** NO WORLLK!! Followed by maniacal laughter. She points to the lobby, I ask if I can shower again. More maniacal laughter, CHOWER PHO GERRWWLS, NOT. YOU. Walks away laughing....

Good times
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Definitely the post of the thread.

:fictitioustimschochetprostitutestory:I was walking along Santa Monica Beach admiring the sunset following an exhilarating beachside chess match with an Estonian gentleman named Markus. I noticed a woman walking towards me on the boardwalk, who looked as if she could have been the baby mother of one of my friends from my local barbershop. As I approached, the woman asked me if I would like a piece of her Kant. I was somewhat surprised to hear of this woman's offer of what must have presumably been a volume of Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, but I can never pass on an invitation to expound upon some Kant. I told the young woman that I had already thrice read Kant's seminal philosophical work in the course of examining and critiquing Adolf Eichmann's twisted interpretation of the categorical imperative in justifying his actions as a German Nazi SS-Obersturmbannfuhrer during his prosecution for war crimes related to the Holocaust. During the course of our detailed and lively, albeit one-sided discussion, I noticed that the woman took a hit from what appeared to be a crack-cocaine smoking instrument -- a true Kantian nihilist, I thought to myself! As I was concluding my soliloquy on the efficacy of Kantian ethics in post-modern contemporary society, I noticed that my crack-smoking associate -- who had been wired and jittery just moments earlier -- had now collapsed into a deep impenetrable slumber. Poor girl, she must have been up all night working hard with her Kant just hoping that the climax was near. I whispered a thank you into her ear for generously offering me her Kant and slipped a dollar into her tattered stockings for her troubles. It wasn't until I started a thread about this encounter in the FFA that I realized the Kant of which my friend spoke was pronounced with a short U.

:fictitioustimschochetprostitutestory:
This one didn't get the love it deserved. Very nicely done.

Might check back in with some stories later on.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
What a thread :lol:

I read it on the family iPad last night and felt the need to erase the history before handing it over to the kids this morning.

God bless the new FFA!

 
Report From Last Night

Just after 130am, I made a run fr the Rub n Tug despite -36 degree weather. My pen0is mightier demanded it. So off I went.

Got inside, and after about 10-15secs a door opened and I was approached by a pretty rocking mulatto girl (Fully expected a Russian, so it was a nice surprise)... any ways, she apologizes for the wait (yes, 10-15sec is a wait, there's usually always someone waiting at the door) and tells me she's the only girl in tonight on account of the weather and it being 130am on a Monday.

"If you wanna come back in 45min, Ill be all clean for you babe" she tells me

"............ I dont know if Im gonna come back out in this #### weather tonight" I said. I meant it.

"Ya, well... you probably don't want to touch me after this guy anyways" she says in a sound of disgust - and makes this sour looking face.

She walks up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, says she wont be back in until Thursday, and to either come back tomorrow or wait for her until Thursday.

Before she walks away, she whispers, "I think this guy is 80, and he can't get hard" :lmao:

So I came home and xvideo'd the end of my night.

Hope to have a better report tonight or in the coming days

 
No. Never. I doubt that surprises anyone though. I've only ever gotten one lap dance, and that was bachelor party at the BadaBing (yeah yeah, Satin Dolls, whatever).

Yeah, so I made the thread even funner, huh?

:bowsout:

 
I, for one, am shocked and/or appalled that a thread about sleeping with prostitutes might contain some questionable decision-making.

 
xxxxxxxxx---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------xxxxxxxxxx-------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxx--------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxx-----------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx------
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
Even better, the fart was in DADGAD tuning.
He's a big Trey fan.

 
Yankee23Fan said:
No. Never. I doubt that surprises anyone though. I've only ever gotten one lap dance, and that was bachelor party at the BadaBing (yeah yeah, Satin Dolls, whatever).

Yeah, so I made the thread even funner, huh?

:bowsout:
Leased 2 cars at a car dealership right down the street.

Need to stop in when I get my next lease this summer :excited:

 
Soulfly3 said:
Report From Last Night

Just after 130am, I made a run fr the Rub n Tug despite -36 degree weather. My pen0is mightier demanded it. So off I went.

Got inside, and after about 10-15secs a door opened and I was approached by a pretty rocking mulatto girl (Fully expected a Russian, so it was a nice surprise)... any ways, she apologizes for the wait (yes, 10-15sec is a wait, there's usually always someone waiting at the door) and tells me she's the only girl in tonight on account of the weather and it being 130am on a Monday.

"If you wanna come back in 45min, Ill be all clean for you babe" she tells me

"............ I dont know if Im gonna come back out in this #### weather tonight" I said. I meant it.

"Ya, well... you probably don't want to touch me after this guy anyways" she says in a sound of disgust - and makes this sour looking face.

She walks up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, says she wont be back in until Thursday, and to either come back tomorrow or wait for her until Thursday.

Before she walks away, she whispers, "I think this guy is 80, and he can't get hard" :lmao:

So I came home and xvideo'd the end of my night.

Hope to have a better report tonight or in the coming days
OK, so I realize you said that you're not married, but you did say you have a girlfriend, no?

Not judging, just trying to get clarification.

 
Soulfly3 said:
Report From Last Night

Just after 130am, I made a run fr the Rub n Tug despite -36 degree weather. My pen0is mightier demanded it. So off I went.

Got inside, and after about 10-15secs a door opened and I was approached by a pretty rocking mulatto girl (Fully expected a Russian, so it was a nice surprise)... any ways, she apologizes for the wait (yes, 10-15sec is a wait, there's usually always someone waiting at the door) and tells me she's the only girl in tonight on account of the weather and it being 130am on a Monday.

"If you wanna come back in 45min, Ill be all clean for you babe" she tells me

"............ I dont know if Im gonna come back out in this #### weather tonight" I said. I meant it.

"Ya, well... you probably don't want to touch me after this guy anyways" she says in a sound of disgust - and makes this sour looking face.

She walks up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, says she wont be back in until Thursday, and to either come back tomorrow or wait for her until Thursday.

Before she walks away, she whispers, "I think this guy is 80, and he can't get hard" :lmao:

So I came home and xvideo'd the end of my night.

Hope to have a better report tonight or in the coming days
OK, so I realize you said that you're not married, but you did say you have a girlfriend, no?Not judging, just trying to get clarification.
10-4 captainIm a scumbag

Eta - tho I asked her to move out. And she has. And we are on the fringes of ending it. So. Yaa

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Can we do a spin off about how many of us tried to sleep with a prostitute but were too afraid we'd end up with a tranny?
Ok, so it's 1990 and living in SoCal we are only about an hour and a half from Tijuana. 3 of my friends and I end up driving down there on a Friday. This was back when you could go down to Tijuana and party on Revolution St. at Papas and Beer and all the clubs down there without fear if getting kidnapped.

So we park right before the border crossing and walk across and catch a cheap cab and head down to Revolution St. We end up bar-hopping for like 4 hours and one of the guys who is notorious for drinking more than he can handle is getting close to that point so we cut him off. He proceeds to get pissed off at us and walks across the bar to start taking to this chick that he thought was the most beautiful woman in the world. He orders her and himself a drink and we sit and watch. What he doesn't realize is that this woman is a very convincing tranny. Now, in his inebriated state, I can understand not being able to tell. The rest if us haven't had as much and we all see what's going on. He ends up getting all the way to second base and is about to take take him/her to a room before we decide he has had enough punishment and step on before we let it go too far. I wish I could say that the punishment worked and he learned his lesson, but he would still drink too much and we would always bring his run-in with Papi as we referred to him/her. To this day we laugh when we are in the room with him and a Red Sox game haporns to be on and Big Papi is mentioned.

 
Soulfly3 said:
Report From Last Night

Just after 130am, I made a run fr the Rub n Tug despite -36 degree weather. My pen0is mightier demanded it. So off I went.

Got inside, and after about 10-15secs a door opened and I was approached by a pretty rocking mulatto girl (Fully expected a Russian, so it was a nice surprise)... any ways, she apologizes for the wait (yes, 10-15sec is a wait, there's usually always someone waiting at the door) and tells me she's the only girl in tonight on account of the weather and it being 130am on a Monday.

"If you wanna come back in 45min, Ill be all clean for you babe" she tells me

"............ I dont know if Im gonna come back out in this #### weather tonight" I said. I meant it.

"Ya, well... you probably don't want to touch me after this guy anyways" she says in a sound of disgust - and makes this sour looking face.

She walks up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, says she wont be back in until Thursday, and to either come back tomorrow or wait for her until Thursday.

Before she walks away, she whispers, "I think this guy is 80, and he can't get hard" :lmao:

So I came home and xvideo'd the end of my night.

Hope to have a better report tonight or in the coming days
OK, so I realize you said that you're not married, but you did say you have a girlfriend, no?Not judging, just trying to get clarification.
10-4 captainIm a scumbag

Eta - tho I asked her to move out. And she has. And we are on the fringes of ending it. So. Yaa
Like I said, I wasn't judging. I was just making sure my notebook was updated correctly.

 
Soulfly3 said:
Report From Last Night

Just after 130am, I made a run fr the Rub n Tug despite -36 degree weather. My pen0is mightier demanded it. So off I went.

Got inside, and after about 10-15secs a door opened and I was approached by a pretty rocking mulatto girl (Fully expected a Russian, so it was a nice surprise)... any ways, she apologizes for the wait (yes, 10-15sec is a wait, there's usually always someone waiting at the door) and tells me she's the only girl in tonight on account of the weather and it being 130am on a Monday.

"If you wanna come back in 45min, Ill be all clean for you babe" she tells me

"............ I dont know if Im gonna come back out in this #### weather tonight" I said. I meant it.

"Ya, well... you probably don't want to touch me after this guy anyways" she says in a sound of disgust - and makes this sour looking face.

She walks up to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, says she wont be back in until Thursday, and to either come back tomorrow or wait for her until Thursday.

Before she walks away, she whispers, "I think this guy is 80, and he can't get hard" :lmao:

So I came home and xvideo'd the end of my night.

Hope to have a better report tonight or in the coming days
OK, so I realize you said that you're not married, but you did say you have a girlfriend, no?Not judging, just trying to get clarification.
It's not cheating if you pay for it.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top