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I'm Batman (Amazon package theft edition) (1 Viewer)

BeTheMatch

Let it burn!
Never a dull moment in the neighborhood around here. I'm in year 2 in Oregon (after 25 in the Minneapolis suburbs). I've either worked from home or just been at home for pretty much that entire run. So I'm privy to a lot of things going on during the day in the neighborhood when most sheep are at the office. I'm my own Neighborhood Watch.

But Oregon (even where I'm at) is a little more sketchy than my previous locale, and that takes some getting used to. Even though it's not that big of a town, I'm in a fairly "urban" neighborhood walkable to downtown. Very busy area. Fair amount of vehicle and foot traffic all day every day. Among the aforementioned foot traffic are a number of homeless people walking, biking, etc. Some of the faces are now familiar, as we see them often. Several have mental-health issues and will stand on the sidewalk screaming at no one in particular for quite a while.

Well, I was outside raking leaves today and just as I'm finishing up, the Amazon van comes by and drops off a couple packages on my neighbor's porch. I'm pretty friendly with the woman who owns the place (sorry, no pics), and it's a year-round VRBO place. So she'll be there sometimes if it's not being used or to clean up between renters, etc. It's not rented this week apparently, as I've seen her there the past couple days. But evidently she's not there now.

So anyway, I go inside to enjoy a well-earned Diet A&W and take a seat in my living room. The window looks out directly on to her door where the packages were just dropped off. About a minute later, a guy comes by on a mountain bike and takes a loooooooong look at her porch as he coasts by. So, because I'm bored and generally angry and looking for outlets for that rage, I get up and grab my glasses so I can get a better look at this obvious about-to-be criminal.

Sure enough, he gets off his bike just past her house and leans it up against her side fence. Then he proceeds to walk back up the sidewalk looking for lookey-loos like myself that might bear witness to what's about to go down. Of course, I'm no amateur. I've anticipated this move, so I move off to the side of the window so he can't see me. He scopes out the packages, walks past her porch, then continues around the front of the house (we both live on corners) to see if there's any activity there or signs of life in her driveway. Seeing nothing, he starts making his way back around the corner toward her porch.

So I've got some decisions to make....
1) Call the police? They'll honestly never even come for something like this, and if they did, it would be too late. So I eliminate that choice.
2) Take his picture with my phone. Well, what the hell good is that going to do? They're not going to find him in some facial-recognition database and go arrest him. Plus, my neighbor has a Ring camera on that porch, so I'm guessing it will pick him up anyway when he goes up there. So I eliminate that choice.
3) Go outside and make my presence felt and try to scare him off without confrontation? Seems easiest. And safest. And most likely for success. Decision made.

I had left my rake on my front porch when I came in. So I open my front door and walk out on my porch and grab my rake as he's walking up her porch steps. I make a point to slam my door loudly and kick my Adirondack chair so it makes a loud scraping sound on my porch.

He hears me and about jumps out of his scivvies and turns around and looks at me. He's across the street, but the side yards are very small and road is very narrow. So he's probably no more than 50 feet away from me. I proceed to walk down my porch and head toward him but make it look like I'm not paying attention to him, just focusing on my raking - even though there's no longer a leaf in sight.

But then a funny thing happens. He just stares at me and seems to be deciding if he's still going to go through with it. So I make a point to give a nice long look in his direction. He walks over to where his bike is, and I assume he's going to take off. Crime thwarted. Victory is mine.

But no so fast, my friend.

He pulls out a joint and smokes that while leaning up against her fence. I wonder if he has the wherewithal to notice that I've been raking the same square foot of empty grass now for a few minutes. Then he actually starts walking toward her porch again while staring over his should directly at me. Challenging me. Daring me. Taunting me?

So I'm at a crossroads. Yes, I have rage to spare. But I've never been punched, not in the face anyway. Made it to 50 years old without that. That's probably part of my problem. But I'm a big talker, and I figure I still hold all the cards. So I'm calling his bluff:

"You know, she's got a camera above that door that's filming you right now, so you should probably just take your little business venture to a different neighborhood."

He stops. Continues to stare at me. Then smirks.

"So what?"

Well, I had to hand it to him - he had me there. Checkmate? No. I can't let this clown win. But what am I going to do? Fight a guy? For the first time in my life? And no telling if he's got a weapon of some sort.

While I'm pondering whether I'm bored and angry enough to die over this, he must've gotten a sense that I was. Just then, he bolts up the stairs, grabs the packages and runs toward his bike that's still leaning up against the fence.

I'm in utter shock for a second before snapping out of it. There's no more thinking. Only doing. I start running after him with my rake. Now, keep in mind, this is a plastic leaf rake. This isn't some metal garden rake. So it's more of a hindrance than a weapon. But it's all I've got, so I'm keeping it.

He tries to jump on his bike and sort of get a hopping start, but he gets caught in some landscaping and sort of gets caught up in the driveway of the next house up, which has a trailer out there and all its garbage cans, etc. So his handlebars kind of go kitty wampus and he drops the packages with me hot on his trail - plastic rake in hand.

He gets off his bike and starts to lunge for the packages but then apparently decides that I've closed the gap too much. He changes direction and starts to come RIGHT AT ME.

If I would've thought at all, I would've thought to run away screaming like the little girl that I am. But there was no thinking. Only doing. So I swing the plastic rake at him and hit him right smack in the face! Doesn't really do much damage, but it stuns him a little and raked his glasses right off his face. And then he dives into my feet and grabs my leg. So I'm screaming at him and trying to bring the rake down on top of him, but I can only hit him with the plastic rake end, which isn't really accomplishing anything. It's too long and awkward to try to flip around so that I can hit him with the wood handle instead.

Next thing I know, the garbage truck is flying up the street and two guys jump out, and now they're entering the fray. I'm trying to convey to them that this guy was stealing packages off the porch. They pull him off of me, but as he gets to his feet, he punches one of the garbage men in the side of the head and then takes off running. The other garbage man gave a brief chase but then gave it up and came back.

The two garbage men and I then just sort of sit there huffing and puffing and looking at each other for a minute. And I say, "Now what?" Well, we have to get back to our route, they say. "That's it then?" Then the guy who got punched walks over, picks up the dude's bike, throws it in the back of the truck and hits the "compactor" button. And they climb back into the truck and drive away without another word.
 

Runkle

Footballguy
Lucky for him you're out in the boonies. Hate to think if it'd been one of the newer garbage trucks, the kind that pick up bins. That crazy arm hand would have picked him up and shook him out over the top of the trash heap.
 

eoMMan

Footballguy
Great story but not worth fighting over, imo. Now you have an enemy who will leave turds at your front door.
 

belljr

Footballguy
I fully admit - i almost bailed in the middle, thinking "get to the point" (i'm not a wordy fella) but glad I stayed :)
 

Skipdog77

Footballguy
Nice work looking out for your neighbor, we need more of that.

Hopefully the guy doesn't come back and burn your house down out of spite.
 

stbugs

Footballguy
:lmao::lmao:

Great story! My favorite part is him calling your bluff and running straight at you. It is maybe a close tie with the garbage guy getting his revenge for the punch by compacting his bike.

:lmao::lmao:
The compacting is the best part. I was rolling because at that point I wasn’t sure if he took off on the bike. The nonchalant throw the bike in back and compact it is epic. Truly makes the story.

Heck, dude might have also lost his glasses and no package for the effort.
 

Dinsy Ejotuz

Footballguy
Best friend's (now, I didn't know him then) fam kept a loaded shotgun behind the front door and if someone drove up the 1/4 mile gravel driveway unexpectedly he'd meet them on the porch cradling it. Politely, but that's how things were done.

Babysitter's farm also had long guns just behind the front door. Those were for pinging gophers out by the old barn though.

Rural 1970s was lit.
 

ChiefD

Footballguy
The best part of this story is that next week, when I'm around family for a long Thanksgiving weekend, the topic of package stealing inevitably will come up. And I'll be able to say something like:

"Oh man, this friend of mine that lives in Oregon had this happen to his neighbor. My buddy was out raking and noticed some dude on a bike eye-balling his neighbors Amazon delivery on the porch. Sure enough the dude tried to steal the packages, but my friend chased this guy down and wacked him across the head with his rake. The funny part is the guy attacked him back, so they are rolling around on the ground for a bit. Apparently a garbage truck came down the street at the same time and before you know it there is a big scrap going on.

Eventually the bike guy ran off down the street. And the best part of the story is the garbage guy threw his bike in the compactor, never to be seen again."

I'm gonna have this great story that will garner laughs from my family, making me look like cool story guy. All from a guy I've "met" on the internet.

Thanks @BeTheMatch !

:hifive:
 

top dog

Footballguy
The best part of this story is that next week, when I'm around family for a long Thanksgiving weekend, the topic of package stealing inevitably will come up. And I'll be able to say something like:

"Oh man, this friend of mine that lives in Oregon had this happen to his neighbor. My buddy was out raking and noticed some dude on a bike eye-balling his neighbors Amazon delivery on the porch. Sure enough the dude tried to steal the packages, but my friend chased this guy down and wacked him across the head with his rake. The funny part is the guy attacked him back, so they are rolling around on the ground for a bit. Apparently a garbage truck came down the street at the same time and before you know it there is a big scrap going on.

Eventually the bike guy ran off down the street. And the best part of the story is the garbage guy threw his bike in the compactor, never to be seen again."

I'm gonna have this great story that will garner laughs from my family, making me look like cool story guy. All from a guy I've "met" on the internet.

Thanks @BeTheMatch !

:hifive:
I'm going to tell the story that it was ME fighting off the homeless guy with a rake and saving the day when I get with the family on Thanksgiving. :thumbup:
 

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