Is alcohol addiction a disease? My wife is an alcoholic. (1 Viewer)

[timschochet]

Regarding the bypass surgery- that was 3 years ago and it was a success (I thought.) My wife lost 100 pounds, then plateaued. She could still afford to lose more but she is far healthier shape than she was. I had no idea it could help bring this on.

 

[rockaction]

Tim, just checking in to wish you good luck. 

Also, I'd support your wife in whatever makes her most comfortable, or more importantly, whatever keeps her sober. Her sobriety is indeed now your issue, and I wish you the best. Ninety meetings in ninety days is tough on everyone and I wish you the best. 

PM me if you need further thoughts.  

-RA

 

[northern exposure]

She mostly drank during the day, while I was at work and the kids were at school. She picked up the kids at 3:00- she CLAIMS now that she was sober by the time she picked them up but how do I know? And how does SHE know? That's a big part of the reason I'm pissed off about this. And also uncertain: since she's been in recovery I've effectively assumed the role of single dad, driving my daughters everywhere. My wife will be back in a couple of weeks, ready to resume her duties in this regard. But can I trust her?

One thing I've learned by growing up in a household with an alcoholic and later being with an alcoholic girlfriend is there are many kinds of alcoholics. Some people assume that only the people they see stumbling around, passed out or slurring their words are alcoholics. But, there are others that I refer to as functional alcoholics. They don't pass out from drinking, they seem to speak and move around just fine even though they are under the influence of alcohol and lots of it.

I've seen someone consume 10 drinks, get behind the wheel of a car and drive home perfectly fine. If they had been pulled over, they were way over the legal blood/alcohol limit. But, nothing about their driving indicated the reality. So, your wife may have thought she was sober, but if she was pulled over and checked she would be charged for a DUI. So, you have every right to be concerned.

 

[Joe Summer]

I would not assume that the weight loss/surgery led to the events of the past few weeks. Alcoholism is a progressive disorder, and sometimes it takes many years to build up to the point where it becomes noticeable.

 

[culdeus]

Regarding the bypass surgery- that was 3 years ago and it was a success (I thought.) My wife lost 100 pounds, then plateaued. She could still afford to lose more but she is far healthier shape than she was. I had no idea it could help bring this on.

I hope you didn't mind me bringing it up. It was the very first thing I thought of when seeing the original post.  

 

[timschochet]

I hope you didn't mind me bringing it up. It was the very first thing I thought of when seeing the original post.  

 Not at all. It's an interesting point and I hadn't made the connection (though perhaps my wife has- I will ask her tomorrow.) 

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

I don't know if it is a disease but it sure seems that addictive behavior is a predisposition not to be taken lightly.  My dad's side was chock full of alcoholics (some functional, others not so much).  I know I used to drink a lot and it seemed I could never have a beer it had to be 6 or a dozen.  Knowing that cirrhosis killed my uncle and grandpa I just quit drinking - it was a choice...and haven't touched the stuff in damn near 15 years.  I have nothing against alcohol or those that drink it, I just know I seem to be at a loss to control my consumption of it so it is best avoided.  Lack of will power?  Probably if not definitely, but better safe than sorry.

Good luck to your wife in her recovery and good luck to you in your capacity to deal with the outcomes good or bad.  Certainly the trust thing is going to be a huge hurdle for you I would imagine and i have no sage advice on how to overcome that.

 

[culdeus]

I would not assume that the weight loss/surgery led to the events of the past few weeks. Alcoholism is a progressive disorder, and sometimes it takes many years to build up to the point where it becomes noticeable.

Either way there's nothing that can be done about it now.

If bariatric gives you the tolerance of someone a fraction of your size its worth knowing and acting on. Won't make the issue any easier to resolve now and may make it harder 

 

[Zegras11]

 Not at all. It's an interesting point and I hadn't made the connection (though perhaps my wife has- I will ask her tomorrow.) 

I could be wrong here, but I would not do this. There are so many things that could have caused this. She doesn't need to add another to the list, especially something that might have really helped her.  Let her work this out on her own with her counselors/doctors.   My apologies if I'm stepping over any lines here.  Just give her time to figure this out and support her.

Disclaimer:  2011-2013, spent three years in counseling and we discovered the alcoholism from my mom  passed several behaviors to me that I had to own and fix. I never thought I had a problem because I never became an alcoholic.  The biggest take away for me during that time was that I had to give my wife (and myself) time to heal from some of the behaviors I had to fix.  Blaming her in any form right now isn't going to help her one bit.   

 

[Binky The Doormat]

Regarding the bypass surgery- that was 3 years ago and it was a success (I thought.) My wife lost 100 pounds, then plateaued. She could still afford to lose more but she is far healthier shape than she was. I had no idea it could help bring this on.




 

Tim - Was your wife heavy when you married her?  How much did she gain over what period of time?  Was she also eating a lot in secret?  

It sounds a bit like she could be trying to suppress/escape from whatever is bothering her - through whatever means ...food or liquor.

 

[Ilov80s]

I know some people have issues with AA, when I was about 12, my dad starte going. He's been sober ever since and attends a couple meetings each week. It doesn't fit with everyone's personal ideology, but I think it can provide a real nice support system as well as reminders of how bad things can get.

Best wishes to you and your family. 

 

[GoBirds]

Tim sorry to read this and best of luck working through it.  

This is something I monitor closely with myself as I lost my father to it. I agree that it is something that progresses and it's good she has you there to help overcome. I'm not sure if it truly is a disease or just self inflicted. Im cautious as people mention it can run in the family but honestly have never had a problem not touching a drink for weeks at a time. Interested to see others thoughts and best of luck. 

 

[ShamrockPride]

GL to you and your family Tim.

I don't think there is a right answer to your question. You're looking for black and white in a very grey area here.

 

[dozer]

Best of luck Tim. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[RokNRole]

As an alcoholic I say it's not

 

[Captain Quinoa]

Good luck and God bless.  It's never easy.

It is not a disease, more like a disorder or even a personality flaw.  That doesn't mean it was totally unavoidable though.

 

[jwb]

So sorry to hear this, Tim, and best of luck.

Regarding the trust issue: I don't see how one can remain married yet not trust their partner. So you're going to have to learn to trust her. But she has work to do here too - she's going to have to go out of her way to earn that trust. 

That said, take solace that you "knew" before you found out for sure. So you have a good radar here. You'll know. 

 

[timschochet]

Tim - Was your wife heavy when you married her?  How much did she gain over what period of time?  Was she also eating a lot in secret?  

It sounds a bit like she could be trying to suppress/escape from whatever is bothering her - through whatever means ...food or liquor.

She was chubby when I married her but not heavy. The weight gain came over a long period of time especially after two babies. I didn't really notice addictive behavior with regard to eating- though I am overweight myself and need to lose about 50-60 poinds

 

[xulf]

She was chubby when I married her but not heavy. The weight gain came over a long period of time especially after two babies. I didn't really notice addictive behavior with regard to eating- though I am overweight myself and need to lose about 50-60 poinds

Not trying to be a ####...but why are you overweight?  What led you there?  What does eating make you feel?

ETA- how would you feel if your kids found you on the floor from a heart attack?

 

[timschochet]

Not trying to be a ####...but why are you overweight?  What led you there?  What does eating make you feel?

ETA- how would you feel if your kids found you on the floor from a heart attack?

I'm overweight because I eat too much. It happened slowly over the years. I exercise a lot but that's only half the battle- the other half, the amount of calories I ingest, is the problem. It's a struggle for me which I'm working to fix. I aim to succeed. 

As to your last question, Im pretty sure you know the answer already. 

 

[Da Guru]

What was your wifes drink of choice?

I guy who I worked with out of college who was around 40 at the time drank vodka all day.  The guy was an engineer and I never really knew he was drinking during the day as most of his work was detail and he never had to really talk or give a presentation to anyone. Pretty sure vodka is easier to hide for the pro than say bourbon, gin or wine. Said his wife never really knew until he started getting sloppy later in the evening after work.

The guys wife was going to leave him so he quit cold turkey on his own.  I worked a number of projects with him after that and got to know him very well and we ended up one night talking about his drinking.  The guy told me every morning he woke up and instead of coffee he would have a vodka and orange juice without his wife knowing, then put another one in a coffee cup for the drive to work.. he said that would get him through to lunch and  he would have a half pint of vodka every lunch....then after work continue on. Never missed a day of work or got a DUI.

 

[timschochet]

What was your wifes drink of choice?

Wine coolers. Can you believe it? I love wine and ####### hate wine coolers. I think they're disgusting. 

My wife told me that the first day in rehab the other patients laughed at her for that.

 

[xulf]

I'm overweight because I eat too much. It happened slowly over the years. I exercise a lot but that's only half the battle- the other half, the amount of calories I ingest, is the problem. It's a struggle for me which I'm working to fix. I aim to succeed. 

As to your last question, Im pretty sure you know the answer already. 

Like I said, not trying to be a ####.  Just think of this from the POV of your wife.  She feels guilt and embarrassment and heartbreak.  Yes, she lied, but you've probably have had some extra caloric intake without sharing it with her or denying it or at least deviating from the conversation.

We are all fallable.  If you judge her, you should just make sure what you are doing is 100% a saint...and even then, likely not the best course of action.  I know I have my issues and am not perfect and 99.9% of the world sits with me.

 

[timschochet]

Like I said, not trying to be a ####.  Just think of this from the POV of your wife.  She feels guilt and embarrassment and heartbreak.  Yes, she lied, but you've probably have had some extra caloric intake without sharing it with her or denying it or at least deviating from the conversation.

We are all fallable.  If you judge her, you should just make sure you are doing 100% right...and even then, likely not the best course of action.  I know I have my issues and am not perfect and 99.9% of the world sits with me.

I don't disagree. And really I am doing my best to be supportive of my wife. 

But at the same time it's very hard for me to get past the fact that she put our daughters in danger by driving them while possibly intoxicated. I honestly can't compare that to anything I've done in my entire life. I admit that right now (for the past few weeks) I've been having trouble concealing my anger and resentment about this. 

 

[DocHolliday]

I don't disagree. And really I am doing my best to be supportive of my wife. 

But at the same time it's very hard for me to get past the fact that she put our daughters in danger by driving them while possibly intoxicated. I honestly can't compare that to anything I've done in my entire life. I admit that right now (for the past few weeks) I've been having trouble concealing my anger and resentment about this. 

That is understandable and how I would feel as well.  Probably many of us would feel that way. 

Your wife does not need any other battles right now though. Do what you can to support her and your family.  Eventually, you and your wife will have to talk about trust as you move forward.  Maybe you will be ok after seeing her fight to save her marriage and family. 

 

[Christo]

I have mixed opinions on your question but good luck to you and your family.

Yep, I have a branch of extended family who all had addiction problems-1 aunt, 3 cousins, and 5 first cousins once removed. All but 2 of the youngest generation have/had alcohol and drug problems. My aunt and 2 of my cousins are dead because of it.

GL, timschochet.

 

[SaintsInDome2006]

OK full disclosure here:...

Hey Tim I just want to send a note of best wishes here for you and your family.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.

I'm really interested in the question, though, not simply because of my wife's situation (and how I feel about it emotionally) but because if alcoholism is a disease then it creates all sorts of free will dilemmas. When does choice end and "I couldn't help it!" start?

I guess I will just give you some observations:

- The two most damaging things a person can do is to feel sorry for themselves and to blame others. A lot of damage comes from that. If you see that happening either in those you love or yourself, in a corrosive way, stop it, do not allow it.

- Yes, alcoholism can be a physical disease. It can also be driven by emotional or mental problems. Or both. Consult a doctor and a psychiatrist, both. Do what they tell you as far as treating your wife.

Good luck, I am sure you two can defeat this, have faith.

 

[culdeus]

Wine coolers. Wow. Well if nothing else you found the reason for the stall in weight loss. 

 

[Righetti]

Tim, fist of all Good Luck with this.  Your trust issues with her are ones that you'll have to deal with if you hope to stay (happily) married.  As for your question, I think the easiest answer is that yes it is a disease but like others have said, not one that the person doesn't have (a lot of) responsibility for it. 

Take it this way 

I'm addicted to caffeine, would be very painful to stop and I have little reason and no desire to stop.  I don't see it as a disease but I do know I will suffer if I try.  But there is no stigma to coffee, so it's an easy one to live with.  Alcohol has more of a stigma but not that much of one either, especially if you can be functioning.   My point is that she wasn't doing this to hurt you, she probably knew in her heart that she had a problem but couldn't come to deal with it   She needs help and it's your job and responsibility to be there for her, however hard you think that is  and realize that how ever hard it is for you, it is a hundreds times harder for her

it isn't about you, it is about a woman who you commuted to in good and in bad, make it about her this time

good luck

 

[BassNBrew]

Best wishes to you and your wife Tim.  It's a disease IMO.

 

[SoBeDad]

Addictions have a high degree of heritability, around 50% or so. These estimates are based in large part on twin studies, monozygotic, dyzygotic and even some separated at birth. So I believe the estimates. 

But many children of alcoholics don't become alcoholic, and many identical twins aren't concordant for alcoholism. Some things cannot be completely explained. Blaming her, or not, will not be productive IMO. But you can set boundaries or expectations for your wife regardless. GL.

 

[Doctor Detroit]

Yeah best of luck to Tim and family, seems like a tough but recoverable situation.  Being supportive and there for her goes a long way IMO. 

 

[Major]

It's a disease in the sense that it's often hereditary.  The subject has little freewill to control the habit once they start using.  It's not like she's choosing to be addicted to alcohol.     

 

[Major]

Wine coolers. Wow. Well if nothing else you found the reason for the stall in weight loss. 

Yep.  Sugar addiction is another real thing.  More addictive than cocaine.  Primary focus should be the booze but make sure she doesn't start substituting sugar as an escape.  

 

[timschochet]

Yep.  Sugar addiction is another real thing.  More addictive than cocaine.  Primary focus should be the booze but make sure she doesn't start substituting sugar as an escape.  

I noticed that at the first AA meeting I went to with her at the hospital they served a LOT of sweets. Cookies, cake, etc. 

 

[tjnc09]

Serious question: is the amount of time you spend here causing any problem at home?  Why is she drinking?  Lonely?  Depressed? Overwhelmed?  Bored? 

It really sounds like you need to examine your priorities and take care of your health (you too).  So Cal has great weather 95% of the year.  Go find some trails to hike/bike/walk dogs.  She could really use a supportive husband to help her find a healthier lifestyle right now, not someone who is going to be angry with her.

Best of luck to you.

 

[GroveDiesel]

Addiction has components that are purely the responsibility of the individual and choice, but there is certainly disease-like components as well. The brain is re-wired to seek that particular stimulus and to associate certain situations/people/activities with that stimulus as well. The person knows that it's not healthy, they feel shame, they know the negative consequences, but their brain is still creating an overwhelming urge to do it anyway. The whole stimulus-response mechanism gets completely screwed up. People don't set out to become addicts. Nobody wants to lose everything they have just to get drunk or high. But a heck of a lot of people end up there.

The odds are that at some point she'll relapse. Hopefully not. But the best thing that you can possibly do is be supportive of her and make sure that she feels comfortable letting you know as soon as possible if she falls off the wagon. Better to be open and honest and get help right away than to be hiding it and it go on for a long time in secrecy and lies. And the only way she is going to be honest with you is if you are supportive and non-judgemental.

You're going to have to make a choice: are you the type of person that truly loves someone, even when it's difficult and when they screw up, or are you the type of person that loves someone only when they're able to pull their own weight?

 

[GroveDiesel]

And I certainly agree that the trust part is difficult. My wife recently dealt with some mental health issues and it has been difficult for me to trust her again. I, too, failed to see how bad things had gotten until it was really bad. 

I think a major component has to be open dialogue. We've certainly had some arguments about it, but I've asked her for patience with me since I really just want what's best for her and my family and am figuring things out just like she is. That's not 100% satisfactory for her, but at least she understands where I'm coming from. And it helps that I'm as supportive as I can be when it comes to lots of the little things. Don't make her feel worthless by not trusting her with any responsibility, but make sure you let her know that you want to take more responsibility for now to give her the space to work on herself and to decrease stressors for her.

Definitely be willing to call in favors and ask for help from friends and family right now to help with stuff. Ask for help with rides, or babysitting, or meals, or whatever. Most people are willing to help in situations like this, you just have to ask. And it will be a huge relief for your family if you can get some help.

 

[Slapdash]

I noticed that at the first AA meeting I went to with her at the hospital they served a LOT of sweets. Cookies, cake, etc. 

Sugar and Alcohol have a lot of similar affects on the body. 

GL dealing with all this, Tim

 

[timschochet]

Serious question: is the amount of time you spend here causing any problem at home?  Why is she drinking?  Lonely?  Depressed? Overwhelmed?  Bored? 

I'm going to find out more as to why she drinks over the next few days but my initial understanding is loneliness during the day, and a fear that our kids are close to going to college, is at the root of it. Also we've suffered some personal tragedies the last few years: both our mothers and my brother passed away. 

 But I can assure you my time in this forum has nothing to do with it. Lol

 

[shadrap]

Some can handle it, some can't.  for some it's a cry for help, for some it's just getting drunk to get in a better mood.  Some are raging alcoholics, some are fringe, some are in between.  Very hard to label something like that as it's way too easy.

somewhere in something lies the answer.  Ask a lot of questions.

good luck dude.

Note: actually good luck to her.

 

[lardonastick]

I'm going to find out more as to why she drinks over the next few days but my initial understanding is loneliness during the day, and a fear that our kids are close to going to college, is at the root of it. Also we've suffered some personal tragedies the last few years: both our mothers and my brother passed away. 

 But I can assure you my time in this forum has nothing to do with it. Lol

Just kidding, good luck Tim.

 

[culdeus]

Call me crazy but the wine cooler thing has me thinking that this won't be that hard to beat (relatively, still going to be a struggle).  I mean how many of those can you reasonably put away in a day?  

The people that just put down a handle of vodka a day really never can make it back.  

 

[Henry Ford]

I believe it is a disease, and I also believe it has treatment parameters that are difficult, important, and can cure all of the symptoms.  

I do not blame people who have schizophrenia for having schizophrenia.  However, when a schizophrenic will not take his/her medication, the non-schizophrenic in a relationship has to make a decision for himself and his children as to what is healthy or acceptable for life moving forward, regardless of fault.

An alcoholic who drinks should expect the same decision from his or her life partner and family.  

I hope this isn't harsh or ridiculous in your eyes - and I hope your wife is able to stick with what will make your family grow even stronger together. 

 

[Guest]

OK full disclosure here: my wife is an alcoholic. The reason that I took off from here for a period of time is that I discovered that fact (though I had suspected it for a long time) over the Christmas holidays. Without going into detail, my wife went into rehab, and is now in the middle of a month long recovery program at this hospital- that will be followed by a 90 day 90 AA meeting situation. She is in good spirits and doing well, I think (and hope.)

Today was the first day of "family week" at my wife's recovery, in which I am spending 3-4 hours with her every day, writing her a letter, learning about how to deal with this, etc. It's very informative and the people in charge are terrific. But this morning they had us watch a film which made the argument that alcoholism was a disease. The film was compelling, but left me with more questions than answers. And I still don't know how I feel about this, so I would like to lay the question out for you guys: is addiction a disease in the same way cancer or diabetes a disease? Or does the person (in this case my wife) bear a level of responsibility for her behavior?

Don't know the answer, but wish you both the best.

 

[need2know]

does your wife work out?

exercise helps immensely.  and I'm talking about real exercise, like running 4 miles.  something to really break a sweat and make your body work.

 

[Quez]

Sorry about the news Tim, but it sounds like you guys are doing all of the right things.  It's great of you to be very involved & interested about learning more.  From knowing you from the FFA I'm sure you will be an expert on addiction in no time.

I'm curious the kind of alcoholic she is.  Does she drink everyday?

 

[Ramblin Wreck]

She was.

Haven't read the whole thread yet but perhaps she was sneaking around to drink because it is an addiction and she was embarrassed?  Only you guys can figure out why she was hiding the drinking.  Either way, don't overthink this and support your wife as much as possible even if you feel hurt by it.  She needs it and you're strong enough to support your family and deal with your feelings too.  Good luck man I hope the rehab helps her.

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

1I don't disagree. And really I am doing my best to be supportive of my wife. 

But at the same time it's very hard for me to get past the fact that she put our daughters in danger by driving them while possibly intoxicated. I honestly can't compare that to anything I've done in my entire life. I admit that right now (for the past few weeks) I've been having trouble concealing my anger and resentment about this. 

Good luck with this.  My best to your wife.

 

[timschochet]

Move past it or move on.  Nothing productive can come from mulling this over and sharing your musings with her.  Oversharing this after one time is not sharing, exploring or examining the matter, it is punishment to a person who is experiencing shame and guilt, and who is going to learn soon in her AA program that she needs to make amends.  (Shame and guilt trigger her coping mechanism, which has been drinking, you already know this so if you go there knowing this you may want to see that you have chosen a path.) You need to be with her or away from her.  This is not a time you can straddle two horses across a stream. Commitment or divorce, one.  Good luck

I think that's the point of the letter I'm supposed to read her tomorrow. The counselor suggested I let all my feelings out, including my anger, and that she needed to hear it. So she's going to hear it at least once. But I agree with you, once is enough. It's not like I plan on repeating it.

The trust issue though is more difficult. When my wife returns home she wants to resume driving the kids around, and frankly I want her to as well, because I need the break and to be able to work more than I have in the last several weeks. But I need to know I can trust her, and we haven't gotten there yet.