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Is having children overrated? (1 Viewer)

shadyridr said:
I certainly don't judge anybody for not wanting kids. It really is up to the individual. But having my son was the single best thing I ever did in my life. He gives my life meaning. My life pretty much revolves around him and I dread the day when he is out of the house. His hobbies became my hobbies. Watching him play baseball is more entertaining than watching the Yankees. Id rather spend the day hanging out with him indoors doing nothing than travelling, clubbing, or whatever people without kids do these days. Call me lame or whatever, its just the honest truth.
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Agree with every thing you said here. For me, the bolded just came, moved out for college. It’s tough, hard to describe how tough. House feels empty now. It’s weird.

 
NewlyRetired said:
we probably need to acknowledge that the people who do regret it on some level are programmed by society to never admit it.
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I think this is absolutely true. I also think that all things have trade-offs and the type of person that harbors regrets about a decision would probably have (a different set of) regrets if the decision had gone the other way.

 
TheIronSheik said:
We live in an era where we have the greatest health care and where the treatment of individuals is better than ever before in the history of the Earth.  

People who think it's tough to bring kids into this world now are not using logic.
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U.S. life expectancy has literally gone down 3 straight years for the first time since 1915-18, when World War I and the Spanish Flu combined for a decrease:
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/us-life-expectancy-drops-third-year-row-reflecting-rising-drug-overdose-suicide-rates-180970942/

Lifespans are still going up in places like Hawaii, where it's almost 7 years longer than it is in Mississippi. I absolutely believe gaps like that will continue to widen as rich Americans take advantage of medical advances, and poor ones are excluded.

Which is why I told my 21-year-old - who's grappling with pursuing a big money career path, or going after what he enjoys - that I believe it's going to be more important to be rich in the future if you have kids. If you don't want them, knock yourself out and do whatever you want with your life. But if you do want them, then you better position yourself on the rich side of the widening wealth disparity in our country (and world).

 
The_Man said:
U.S. life expectancy has literally gone down 3 straight years for the first time since 1915-18, when World War I and the Spanish Flu combined for a decrease:
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/us-life-expectancy-drops-third-year-row-reflecting-rising-drug-overdose-suicide-rates-180970942/

Lifespans are still going up in places like Hawaii, where it's almost 7 years longer than it is in Mississippi. I absolutely believe gaps like that will continue to widen as rich Americans take advantage of medical advances, and poor ones are excluded.

Which is why I told my 21-year-old - who's grappling with pursuing a big money career path, or going after what he enjoys - that I believe it's going to be more important to be rich in the future if you have kids. If you don't want them, knock yourself out and do whatever you want with your life. But if you do want them, then you better position yourself on the rich side of the widening wealth disparity in our country (and world).
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It's gone down .3 years.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that bringing a baby into the world now is still better than almost any other time.  You can dream for the days of slavery, polio and high infant mortality rates.

 
The_Man said:
U.S. life expectancy has literally gone down 3 straight years for the first time since 1915-18, when World War I and the Spanish Flu combined for a decrease:
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/us-life-expectancy-drops-third-year-row-reflecting-rising-drug-overdose-suicide-rates-180970942/

Lifespans are still going up in places like Hawaii, where it's almost 7 years longer than it is in Mississippi. I absolutely believe gaps like that will continue to widen as rich Americans take advantage of medical advances, and poor ones are excluded.

Which is why I told my 21-year-old - who's grappling with pursuing a big money career path, or going after what he enjoys - that I believe it's going to be more important to be rich in the future if you have kids. If you don't want them, knock yourself out and do whatever you want with your life. But if you do want them, then you better position yourself on the rich side of the widening wealth disparity in our country (and world).
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Not to go off on a tangent but I'd venture a guess that this rise corresponds to the rise in obesity/diabetes and the impacts of metabolic syndrome.  While we may not have reached the peak I think we finally are starting to understand this epidemic better and hope that science will overcome the food and drug industries in the long-run.

 
Payne said:
I don't think people with kids can put into words what it feels like to have kids. You'll never understand it until you have them.
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Along this line, once you have a kid you can't imagine your life without them.

 
Not overrated. Just not for everyone. And too many people who have no business having kids (or more kids) do it anyway.

I can't see myself ever doing it. I'm too selfish and know that I'd be miserable waking up every day and having to be responsible for another person.  I value my free time too much and I'm miserable whenever I walk into the office on Monday after a weekend of anything other than what I wanted to do.

 
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I wouldn't know, but would've loved to have found out. 

My wife had a brain injury 14 years ago, in our mid 20's. Having children would've been theoretically possible, but has never appeared to be a wise decision for us. She could help some, but she needs a lot of help with things too. I just don't think I have enough time and resources to make it work. She would've been such a wonderful mother. I try not to think about what was lost 14 years ago, but that one is always tough to swallow.

I have no idea what's right, but I think this is what we're supposed to do (well, not do) given the circumstances. That choice was never easy, but gets harder with every passing year. 

Seeing so many people have children without much thought put into it makes me a pretty angry.

 
shadyridr said:
I certainly don't judge anybody for not wanting kids. It really is up to the individual. But having my son was the single best thing I ever did in my life. He gives my life meaning. My life pretty much revolves around him and I dread the day when he is out of the house. His hobbies became my hobbies. Watching him play baseball is more entertaining than watching the Yankees. Id rather spend the day hanging out with him indoors doing nothing than travelling, clubbing, or whatever people without kids do these days. Call me lame or whatever, its just the honest truth.
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This is totally me and my son. Only difference is my son plays basketball and flag football. We’re best buddies. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I’m also dreading the day he moves out :(

 
One thing I don't see mentioned yet, that's huge for me...

It's a huge bonding experience that I've shared with my wife.  It started from the first time we started looking at pregnancy test results, and it will be something we share with each other for the rest of our lives.  Kind of like going to war, but different. 

 
Raising respectful, hardworking kids that treat others well.  My boys being each other's best friends.  The trust built between us that they know I am ALWAYS there for them, for good times and bad.  Watching them grow and develop.  The lessons they have taught me about serving others before myself.

My kids have been a priceless addition to my life.

I might be guilty of grumbling to myself occasionally sometime around the 5th or 6th basketball game of the weekend. :bag:

 
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matuski said:
Raising respectful, hardworking kids that treat others well.  My boys being each other's best friends.  The trust built between us that they know I am ALWAYS there for them, for good times and bad.  Watching them grow and develop.  The lessons they have taught me about serving others before myself.

My kids have been a priceless addition to my life.

I might be guilty of grumbling to myself occasionally sometime around the 5th or 6th basketball game of the weekend. :bag:
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Having posted this, I see my neighbor struggling to keep his kids on a good path.

Good guy, and from what I can tell they are doing their best to be good parents.  The boys are just trouble... nothing major but endless calls to the school - for attitude with teachers, one caught vaping at lunch, stealing a jar of paperclips (lol?), etc.

This would tear me apart.

 
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matuski said:
Raising respectful, hardworking kids that treat others well.  My boys being each other's best friends.  The trust built between us that they know I am ALWAYS there for them, for good times and bad.  Watching them grow and develop.  The lessons they have taught me about serving others before myself.

My kids have been a priceless addition to my life.

I might be guilty of grumbling to myself occasionally sometime around the 5th or 6th basketball game of the weekend. :bag:
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Would love to know how you do that.  My boys have been oil and water for most of their lives.  Now that they are sophomor and junior in high school, they tolerate each other and occasionally even get along.  However, if either is in the slightest bit of a mood, they will push each others buttons at the first opportunity.

 
Bull Dozier said:
Would love to know how you do that.  My boys have been oil and water for most of their lives.  Now that they are sophomor and junior in high school, they tolerate each other and occasionally even get along.  However, if either is in the slightest bit of a mood, they will push each others buttons at the first opportunity.
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This, too, is normal. They finally came to blows in high school, and tbh I'm glad they did. Let them know where they stood with each other.

 
Bull Dozier said:
Would love to know how you do that.  My boys have been oil and water for most of their lives.  Now that they are sophomor and junior in high school, they tolerate each other and occasionally even get along.  However, if either is in the slightest bit of a mood, they will push each others buttons at the first opportunity.
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They have always been best friends.... 95% of the time.  The other 5% they are mortal enemies.

This is probably a result of my being hyper sensitive to it.

My brother and I fought a lot as kids and grew apart in high school/college.  This is easily my biggest regret in life, so I really focused on the big brother, always reinforcing that little brother is the most important thing in life.  So far so good.... but high school years yet to come.  We shall see.

 
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It's really cute when people who don't have kids try to assume how it is or how they'll be as parents.  Trust me, you don't know until you are in it.

You truly find out who you are as a person, and as a man, when you are responsible for the life of a child and who that child will grow to be.

I've experienced a lot so far in this life and, I will tell you, there is nothing I look forward to more every day than getting home, where my son runs to the front door and jumps into my arms with a big hug and my daughter smiles and reaches her arms out for me to pick her up.  I could be mentally exhausted from a long day at the office and it is all erased in that moment. 

I often think back to a time before my kids were born.  And I think about it fondly.  Do I "miss" it?  Sure.  The freedom to do whatever whenever I wanted is something I think we all miss.  Being a parent is hard and it certainly isn't for everyone.  That being said, I would trade 1 year in my 20s for 1 day where my little dude sits in my lap watching football.  Every.  Time.

 
matuski said:
They have always been best friends.... 95% of the time.  The other 5% they are mortal enemies.

This is probably a result of my being hyper sensitive to it.

My brother and I fought a lot as kids and grew apart in high school/college.  This is easily my biggest regret in life.. so I really focused on the big brother, always reinforcing that little brother is the most important thing in life.
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I tried to reinforce their relationship, because I too have grown apart from my brother.  But whatever I did, I didn't do it right.  So while they get along OK now about half the time, I don't see them having the relationship I wish I had with my brother.

 
doowain said:
It's really cute when people who don't have kids try to assume how it is or how they'll be as parents.  Trust me, you don't know until you are in it.

You truly find out who you are as a person, and as a man, when you are responsible for the life of a child and who that child will grow to be.

I've experienced a lot so far in this life and, I will tell you, there is nothing I look forward to more every day than getting home, where my son runs to the front door and jumps into my arms with a big hug and my daughter smiles and reaches her arms out for me to pick her up.  I could be mentally exhausted from a long day at the office and it is all erased in that moment. 

I often think back to a time before my kids were born.  And I think about it fondly.  Do I "miss" it?  Sure.  The freedom to do whatever whenever I wanted is something I think we all miss.  Being a parent is hard and it certainly isn't for everyone.  That being said, I would trade 1 year in my 20s for 1 day where my little dude sits in my lap watching football.  Every.  Time.
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I'm really not one to bemoan kids getting older (like most moms I know who wish "they could stay little forever!!!111juan1!!").  But, I do still remember the feeling of the first day my first born did not run to the door when I came hom from work.  It was a start reality reminder that time marches on.

That's the only thing dogs have on kids, my dog still goes crazy whenever I come home.

 
Bull Dozier said:
I'm really not one to bemoan kids getting older (like most moms I know who wish "they could stay little forever!!!111juan1!!").  But, I do still remember the feeling of the first day my first born did not run to the door when I came hom from work.  It was a start reality reminder that time marches on.

That's the only thing dogs have on kids, my dog still goes crazy whenever I come home.
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Ugh.  I do not look forward to that day.

I've made a conscious effort to appreciate the little things as I know this time is fleeting.  For instance, the other night I was in the middle of getting things ready for the next day and he came running into the room half-crying because he had hit his elbow and wanted me to kiss it to make it feel better (he's 3.5).  For a split second I'm thinking "dude, I don't have time for this, I'm busy".  And I felt terrible because, in that moment, I realized in a couple years I'm going to wish he'd still do this.  So, I dropped what I was doing and kissed his boo-boo.  I really am gonna miss that.

 
Bull Dozier said:
I tried to reinforce their relationship, because I too have grown apart from my brother.  But whatever I did, I didn't do it right.  So while they get along OK now about half the time, I don't see them having the relationship I wish I had with my brother.
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I don't take too much credit.  It is something we (I) worked on with my oldest from the day youngest was born - hell or high water, look out for him.  One piece of candy?  He gets it.  Disagree on who sits where? Defer to little bro.  I always talk about how important my brother was/is to me (even when I couldn't show it).  Etc, etc.  I'm just happy older brother took to it, owns it.  But life happens.  I realize that there is a ton of luck involved, and that the biggest tests still lie ahead in the teenage years.  We will see whether my efforts continue to pay off then.

I doubt you did anything wrong, and I would say the only wrong thing to do would be to give up on it.  

 
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Dedfin said:
Okay, what's better?

Kids or dogs?
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We had 2 dogs before having our first kid - it was helpful in preparing us for parenthood in certain ways.

Having a dog is probably the closest thing to having a kid as you can get.  The problem with that is they never progress past the human age equivalent of 2.  :lol:   :wub:    We always joked that our dogs were permanent toddlers. 

 
Buttonhook said:
One thing I don't see mentioned yet, that's huge for me...

It's a huge bonding experience that I've shared with my wife.  It started from the first time we started looking at pregnancy test results, and it will be something we share with each other for the rest of our lives.  Kind of like going to war, but different. 
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On the opposite end is being a childless couple. You seriously have to be each others best friend. If not, you usually won't survive. There aren't kids to talk about all the time, to keep conversations going. I know couples who probably wouldn't be together if it wasn't for their children. They have nothing in common otherwise. My wife and I have been together for 30 years, married 25 in October. We're never bored. I am so looking forward to spending the 3 day weekend with her, I can't wait. We don't even have pets to dote on although we are hoping to soon. There is a different kind of commitment made to stay together without kids.

 
doowain said:
Ugh.  I do not look forward to that day.

I've made a conscious effort to appreciate the little things as I know this time is fleeting.  For instance, the other night I was in the middle of getting things ready for the next day and he came running into the room half-crying because he had hit his elbow and wanted me to kiss it to make it feel better (he's 3.5).  For a split second I'm thinking "dude, I don't have time for this, I'm busy".  And I felt terrible because, in that moment, I realized in a couple years I'm going to wish he'd still do this.  So, I dropped what I was doing and kissed his boo-boo.  I really am gonna miss that.
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You're a good dad for having recognized it and went against that initial thought.

 
pollardsvision said:
Seeing so many people have children without much thought put into it makes me a pretty angry.
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I'm angry for you.

My sister is very different from me, a silly bundle of love who kids just jump on & hug & follow. I was sure the pressure was off me to extend the brand for she was sure to have a passel. Circumstances disagreed so she has none, and i feel as much for the world that sis couldn't better it with her offspring as i do for her.

None of it makes much sense, my friend, but it's what we have. Don't let how you are allowed to love change the amount you love, because i can tell you and your wife's love is true. My best to you both. 

 
matuski said:
I don't take too much credit.  It is something we (I) worked on with my oldest from the day youngest was born - hell or high water, look out for him.  One piece of candy?  He gets it.  Disagree on who sits where? Defer to little bro.  I always talk about how important my brother was/is to me (even when I couldn't show it).  Etc, etc.  I'm just happy older brother took to it, owns it.  But life happens.  I realize that there is a ton of luck involved, and that the biggest tests still lie ahead in the teenage years.  We will see whether my efforts continue to pay off then.

I doubt you did anything wrong, and I would say the only wrong thing to do would be to give up on it.  
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I sort of think I'm there.  While I do get on them when they are being unreasonably mean to each other, I don't give them the "importance of brothers" speach anymore.  They are old enough to see though it to some extent, because they know my brother and I aren't close.  If I get too preachy on it, they see it as a charade.  I do try to tell them I wish it was different, and I hope it is different for them, but I think they are old enough (15 and 17) that they need to determine it for themselves now.

There are glimpses though.  They plaed on a school basketball team together for a couple of years, which I coached.  I wasn't aware of it during the game, but little brother was getting smack talked throughout the game.  At one point during the game, older brother got a technical foul called on him after he got in the face of a kid from the other team.  No punches or pushes, but he went nose to nose and chest bumping was going on.  No big deal, except it was Catholic school league and that doesn't fly.  I pulled him out, say him down and told him he knows better.  After the game, his grandparents were there and asked him about it and he said they were talked smack to his little brother, he told them to stop and they wouldn't so he "made sure they did."  Couldn't have been more proud of a tech.

 
Dr. Octopus said:
I'm not sure what you're looking for people to tell you. No one that has kids is going to say it's over-rated and nothing they tell you will make you want to have kids (it seems).

This is one of those things where there is no right or wrong answer. It's a decision for each individual/couple to make. Some have the desire to love and nuture and the feel of "family", some love their freedom and don't want the added responsibility. Act accordingly and be the best at what you are either way.
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whenever i see these threads pop up, it seems they are more of OP on an exploratory mission to try and validate their own current feelings.. instead of a genuine open-ended question.

like "tell me who your favorite athlete is and why it's Michael Jordan" of questions.

 
jamny said:
On the opposite end is being a childless couple. You seriously have to be each others best friend. If not, you usually won't survive. There aren't kids to talk about all the time, to keep conversations going. I know couples who probably wouldn't be together if it wasn't for their children. They have nothing in common otherwise. My wife and I have been together for 30 years, married 25 in October. We're never bored. I am so looking forward to spending the 3 day weekend with her, I can't wait. We don't even have pets to dote on although we are hoping to soon. There is a different kind of commitment made to stay together without kids.
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I'm glad you were able to marry your best friend, I did to.  I was in no way trying to insinuate that having kids makes you love each other more, or makes your relationship any stronger.  In fact, opposite of your point about kids keeping a couple together, there are also plenty of relationships that go south after they have kids.   

My point was having kids is an awesome experience for many of the reasons other posters have mentioned, but it's even more gratifying and rewarding when you can share that experience with your best friend.  

 
Buttonhook said:
I'm glad you were able to marry your best friend, I did to.  I was in no way trying to insinuate that having kids makes you love each other more, or makes your relationship any stronger.  In fact, opposite of your point about kids keeping a couple together, there are also plenty of relationships that go south after they have kids.   

My point was having kids is an awesome experience for many of the reasons other posters have mentioned, but it's even more gratifying and rewarding when you can share that experience with your best friend.  
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Didn't take it that way at all. :thumbup:  

 
We do not have kids, and being in our 50's, that's a done deal.

I completely love our stress-free life. I love doing whatever, whenever. It's all great. My wife and I truly enjoy not having kids. 

That stated, I am certain if we did have kids, we'd be just as happy, but in a different way.

I suspect happy people are happy, kids or not. And miserable people are miserable.

 
 I do believe that everyone deserves to pursue happiness and if you can't find it in your heart to love the next generation then we are probably better off without your progeny.... 

Wait...dadgum, that sounds like I might share some thoughts with Margaret Sanger...but I don't really believe that. I just think those holding that  position have no idea what they are missing.

 
My wife has been disabled since 1998, which was 6 years after we got married, when she was 27 and I was 29. Her health has prevented us from having children. We tried the old-fashioned way and via fertility treatments and very seriously considered adoption and a surrogate when a dear friend volunteered. By the time we got to the point of considering a surrogate, we realized that it wasn't just about conceiving and bearing a child, it was about raising him or her, and her health would make that a huge challenge.

I watch my friends and my wife's brother go through life with their kids, and I recognize the financial cost, the time commitment, and the stress associated with having kids. We haven't had to deal with that. In some ways, that has made our lives easier.

I am pretty discouraged about the future of our country and our world, given the sad state of US and world politics. I don't worry too much about what will happen during our lifetimes, but I would certainly worry about the future for my children if we had them.

Those things said, it is the biggest regret of our lives that we do not have kids. Raising them would have been even more difficult than for 'normal' families, but I feel certain it would have been worth it.

 
Kids would be the bees knees if they would wake up when I want them to and go to sleep when I want them to.  For me, the sleep aspect of kids is by far my least favorite thing.  I don't really dislike much of anything else except obviously the lack of ability to just pick up and go do something on a random whim, so more planning needs to be involved in that regard.  If my 3 year old would wake up around 9 or 10 am every day, things would be infinitely better.  

The nanny debate is interesting.  There is obviously a very wide spectrum of how good or bad a nanny can be.  Nanny does not mean "servant".  

 
Bull Dozier said:
I tried to reinforce their relationship, because I too have grown apart from my brother.  But whatever I did, I didn't do it right.  So while they get along OK now about half the time, I don't see them having the relationship I wish I had with my brother.
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This is me too - The boys will be in 12th and 8th this fall - they get along fine now they just aren’t best friends and I don’t see them ever being that.  It does bother me a little but they are different people with different interests - I’ve always told my kids I wouldn’t pick their friends but I would definitely weed out what I thought were bad apples.  

 
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