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Is having children overrated? (1 Viewer)

MAC_32 said:
There's a very gray line, but I think grandparent coddling is a good thing.
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I am positive my MIL has crossed the line by a mile. They damn near almost broke up the marriage of the parents and their own marriage  with all the gift giving, demanding time with the kids, taking the kids on vacations. 

 
bigbottom said:
Yeah, I think you may have this backwards.  You have far more incentive not to give in to tantrums than a nanny does.  Your nanny won't have to experience the long term consequences of spoiled children.
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Maybe but literally every parent I know that talked about much of a hardass they were going to be and how their kids wouldn't watch TV or use an ipad, etc. end giving in on everything. They give the kid an IPAD just so they can have some peace or turn on the TV so they can sneak a nap. 

 
It's a tired platitude that people who don't have kids will never understand what it's like. It's also true.

I had my kids late in life, after living life how I wanted. I wasn't unhappy or empty or meaningless before I had kids. But, having kids deepened my appreciation for life and taught me a depth of love I never knew before kids. Something about experiencing a totally unselfish love for another human being, to the point where you are willing to make sacrifices to ensure their health and success changes you fundamentally. 

It's not for eveybody, certainly, and I couldn't care less whether people have kids, or not. But, personally, probably as far from overrated as any experience ever.

 
bigbottom said:
Sure.  But I don't see how having a nanny makes it any more or less likely that your children will be spoiled.
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I think a paid professional who sees it as a job, gets to go home at night, gets time off, etc. is better equipped to handle the daily rigor than a parent who is chained to the kid 24/7. The breaks away from the kid when the Nanny is working allows the parents to recharge so that they can be more disciplined with the kid. Instead of being like "OMG I worked 10 hours today and now the kid is screaming like a banshee so I am just going to give them the ipad and buy them mcdonalds so I can get 30 minutes to relax". 

 
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I love my two boys more than anything in the world. The moments of happiness they give me far outweigh the hours of frustration. That happiness is some of the purest and highest I think I can feel. 

For the first 5 seconds when I work through the door after work, they both coming running over and jumping on top of me - makes it all worth it. 

My older just turned 6, we're at a point where we connect and talk about things/life/etc... He really is a little version of me, and seeing this little version of me turn into their own person with their own opinions/thoughts/feelings really gives me purpose. Obviously sounds cliche, but whatever. 

Without my boys, not sure what my purpose would be. 

 
I'll let you know when I'm 80.   Might feel overrated when you're in the middle of the hardest years which to me was pre-6ish, but now that my kids are 9 and 12, its way way easier.    I'm not rushing it by any means but I'm really going to enjoy the grandparent years.   It will be nice to have some other people looking out for me when I get to my senior years.   

 
Ilov80s said:
Maybe but literally every parent I know that talked about much of a hardass they were going to be and how their kids wouldn't watch TV or use an ipad, etc. end giving in on everything. They give the kid an IPAD just so they can have some peace or turn on the TV so they can sneak a nap. 
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No one said (or should say) parenting is easy.  I think the more parents actually follow through on that reap the benefits when the kids get older.  I was way harder on my kids when they were young, but they did learn and all three of my kids are great people now.  I'm not saying that is 100% due to my parenting, but I gave them a foundation of knowing what is acceptable behavior to be able to build from.

Parents who let their kids get away with bad behavior, and use technology as a babysitter aren't giving their kids a good foundation, and everything becomes more difficult down the line.

Work hard and be dilligent when they are 0-9, and 10-18 become much easier and more rewarding.

 
Bull Dozier said:
No one said (or should say) parenting is easy.  I think the more parents actually follow through on that reap the benefits when the kids get older.  I was way harder on my kids when they were young, but they did learn and all three of my kids are great people now.  I'm not saying that is 100% due to my parenting, but I gave them a foundation of knowing what is acceptable behavior to be able to build from.

Parents who let their kids get away with bad behavior, and use technology as a babysitter aren't giving their kids a good foundation, and everything becomes more difficult down the line.

Work hard and be dilligent when they are 0-9, and 10-18 become much easier and more rewarding.
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Amen and I agree with everything you said. I just see a nanny as more help for the very difficult task.

 
Ilov80s said:
Yeah, a trained professional who isn't impacted by the biological connection to the child and prone to giving in to their worst demands. So when a kid throws an insane tantrum because they want some insane kid thing, the nanny can handle it. If they want to spend time with their parents, they can get their act together and act in a civilized manner. I don't want them rewarded for throwing tantrums. 
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Absolutely, and that’s not “hard” to do.  You just don’t, plain and simple.  Does it pull on your heart strings sometimes? Yes.  But your job as a parent isn’t to love your kids, that’s a given and should be done unconditionally, your job is to teach them how to be good, honest productive people who can navigate this world and think of others.   

My mom told me once some advice about raising kids and I will carry to my grave. My mom was notorious for when she said something it happened. If I was grounded for a week, that week lasted down to the hour of the day that I got grounded. So if I got grounded for something on Saturday at 5 PM it wasn’t until the next Saturday at 5 PM that my grounding ended. She could’ve very easily let me off that next Saturday morning, but she never did. Everything was like this. When I asked her later in life why that was, she said she realized early on that when she capitulated on what she said it was because it made her feel better.  In other words as a parent you never want to see your kids hurting and it’s easier to let them off, but she realized that it was a selfish decision to do that, it was only making her feel better but it wasn’t teaching me the lessons I need to learn.  That stuck with me.  Giving into the tantrums is exactly that, and its exactly what you can’t do as a parent.  

My wife and I follow this to a T. If we say it it happens. Do you know what, my kid understands that. Our words have weight.  And she responds accordingly.  

 
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fantasycurse42 said:
I love my two boys more than anything in the world. The moments of happiness they give me far outweigh the hours of frustration. That happiness is some of the purest and highest I think I can feel. 

For the first 5 seconds when I work through the door after work, they both coming running over and jumping on top of me - makes it all worth it. 

My older just turned 6, we're at a point where we connect and talk about things/life/etc... He really is a little version of me, and seeing this little version of me turn into their own person with their own opinions/thoughts/feelings really gives me purpose. Obviously sounds cliche, but whatever. 

Without my boys, not sure what my purpose would be. 
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My boys are almost 21 and 20, I'm jealous of where you are.  When my kids were that age, I kept dwelling more on the stressful things than the moments you mentioned, but the times when we bonded were the ones that kept me going.  In fact, my older boy has always been one of those 'extra grace required' kids, and what has carried me through up to even now is my memory of when he was still an infant and the look of joy he gave me when he looked me in the eyes and recognized me for the first time. 

 
If you have kids and enjoy your life, great!

If you don't have kids and enjoy your life, great!

I have one child, enjoy my life but my daughter has some issues that make me think she will not be able to help us later in life, which scares me as I know what I do for my mom and dad can't be done by calling some one.   I might just move into assisted living instead when the time comes even if I would prefer to stay in my own home.

 
dkp993 said:
Absolutely, and that’s not “hard” to do.  You just don’t, plain and simple.  Does it pull on your heart strings sometimes? Yes.  But your job as a parent isn’t to love your kids, that’s a given and should be done unconditionally, your job is to teach them how to be good, honest productive people who can navigate this world and think of others.   

My mom told me once some advice about raising kids and I will carry to my grave. My mom was notorious for when she said something it happened. If I was grounded for a week, that week lasted down to the hour of the day that I got grounded. So if I got grounded for something on Saturday at 5 PM it wasn’t until the next Saturday at 5 PM that my grounding indeed. She could’ve very easily let me off that next Saturday morning, but she never did. Everything was like this. When I asked her later in life why that was she said she realized early on that when she capitulated on what she said it was because it made her feel better.  In other words as a parent you never want to see your kids hurting and it’s easier to let them off, but she realized that it was a selfish decision to do that, it was only making her feel better but it wasn’t teaching me the lessons I need to learn.  That stuck with me.  Giving into the tantrums is exactly that, and its exactly what you can’t do as a parent.  

My wife and I follow this to a T. If we say it it happens. Do you know what, my kid understands that. Our words have weight.  And she responds accordingly.  
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My views may be jaded too since my closest relationship with little kids has been my 2 nieces and nephew. They are Irish triplets and being just 11 months apart and none of them particularly easy kids, their household is nonstop chaos. 

 
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Ilov80s said:
My views may jaded too since my closest relationship with little kids has been my nieces and nephew. They are Irish triplets and being just 11 months apart and none of them particularly easy kids, their household is a nonstop chaos. 
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Honestly for me it’s tough at times for sure but there is zero question people make it harder on themselves then it needs to be.  I try not to make it a habit of judging other people‘s parenting, at least in public LOL, but far to many parents make the easy selfish decisions imo and this leads to short term pain and long term problems.  

 
Having kids is the best part of my life. But I tell anyone who asks that you shouldn't have them if you're "thinking about it." You should have them only if it's something you absolutely want more than anything else. Because once you have them, they're going to dominate your life more than anything else.

And, not to be a downer, but I'm starting to worry about the future. My oldest kid is 21, and I tell him that if he wants to have kids, then he also needs to pursue a highly lucrative field, to ensure he'll be in the percentage of people that can afford water/food/security/whatever it takes to keep your family safe as global warming changes the world in ways we can't yet foresee. 

I saw somebody say that having kids today is like signing them up for a mission on a spaceship whose chance of success is unknown.  

 
I was talking to my wife about this just last week and was wondering what our life  would have been like if we never had kids.

 First of all it changed me into a way better person.  It was so much fun to watch them grow up..of course everyone has some bumps along the way getting them to adults.   I was always selfish before I had kids in terms of "my time, my workouts, my golf, my softball leagues" without kids you can be.   Then I actually had more fun watching them grow and doing things than me doing them  myself.

When we moved to our community until they went to grade school we really only hung out with old friends here and there.  All of a sudden our circle grew and grew as they joined clubs, played sports, everything they were involved in grew our local circle of friends. Now we know everybody everywhere around us and it is from our kids. 20 years later our best friends are people we met when our kids were young. I can`t go grocery shopping without running into 3-4 people a trip and all came from our kids circle.

Then they both went on to play club volleyball and college volleyball and our circle continued to grow. We have been to 6 weddings in the last year just from college and club VB friends, and 4 more coming up this summer. it is like a reunion every time we get together. This time we expanded from our community to many place around the country.

There is so much more I could add but the bottom line is I feel that my wife and I would have been OK without kids..but I just can`t imagine it.

 
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One of the things that's hard for me as a parent now that my kids are teens (15 and 13) is that I am more cognizant of and worried about is how I am steering them through this age of their lives without completely f'ing them up, giving them a reasonable "leash" to make their own mistakes without being micromanaging, and generally setting a good example.

When they were young, there was still a lot to worry about (that one of my kids is on the spectrum made life that much more stressful and difficult as we were laser-focused on his development and issues that stem from his situation), but in general I think it was an easier time. Kids were full of a sense of wonder and play, they ran to the door for huge hugs when I got home like my wife and I were the center of their universes.

Now as teens, they want absolutely nothing to do with us, are surly and combatative, and feels like I'm lucky if I get acknowledged, let alone get more than a few words in conversation.

This is all perfectly natural -- was the exact same as a teen and this is all part of defining their own boundaries and gaining independence. 

But too often it devolves into me defaulting to being authoritarian and the large portions of our interactions surround me and my wife trying to keep them on track and focused. I know there is always a balance you need to achieve and you need to let your kids grow without overshadowing them or being to dictatorial. But in the moment, it's hard to not default to hounding them to do their schoolwork, get chores done, stay focused and engaged.

I constantly worry about that balance, and that I'm messing it up. It was very much easier when they were <10 in this regard. 

 
Not overrated at all. 3 kids, 1 a Freshman in college, 1 a Freshman in high school and a 7th grader. I guess Im lucky, because life has been pretty smooth sailing. I'm not looking to argue with anyone, but I cant stand when parents complain about their kids or "cant wait for them to go to bed". They are who you raised them to be. I may not be the best parent of all time (although its close 😊) but one thing I'll never say when they have grown and moved on is, I wish I would have spent more time with them. I've coached all of my kids' sports teams at one point or another and those times are invaluable. The fact that those days are numbered is not lost on me. 

 
Stompin' Tom Connors said:
One of the things that's hard for me as a parent now that my kids are teens (15 and 13) is that I am more cognizant of and worried about is how I am steering them through this age of their lives without completely f'ing them up, giving them a reasonable "leash" to make their own mistakes without being micromanaging, and generally setting a good example.

When they were young, there was still a lot to worry about (that one of my kids is on the spectrum made life that much more stressful and difficult as we were laser-focused on his development and issues that stem from his situation), but in general I think it was an easier time. Kids were full of a sense of wonder and play, they ran to the door for huge hugs when I got home like my wife and I were the center of their universes.

Now as teens, they want absolutely nothing to do with us, are surly and combatative, and feels like I'm lucky if I get acknowledged, let alone get more than a few words in conversation.

This is all perfectly natural -- was the exact same as a teen and this is all part of defining their own boundaries and gaining independence. 

But too often it devolves into me defaulting to being authoritarian and the large portions of our interactions surround me and my wife trying to keep them on track and focused. I know there is always a balance you need to achieve and you need to let your kids grow without overshadowing them or being to dictatorial. But in the moment, it's hard to not default to hounding them to do their schoolwork, get chores done, stay focused and engaged.

I constantly worry about that balance, and that I'm messing it up. It was very much easier when they were <10 in this regard. 
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One of the best pieces of advice to teens that I've ever heard was relayed to me by the guy who lived next door to me growing up.  Before he went out, his mom would tell him "keep it in your pants."  Since kids are watching you even when you don't remember that they're watching you, they're going to pick up stuff you don't want them to, and now that they're teens, that gets even worse, so I decided to take a more minimalist approach as they got older.  You've known them their whole life, you either base your trust in them on that knowledge, or you don't.  This is tough, but it's not rocket surgery. :bye:

 
It really depends on the person.

I like kids.  I'm good with kids.  Kids like me.  My nieces and nephew come over and love being in our home.  We have a great time.   I enjoy their company.

Don't want my own, never really did.  Just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.  

 
eoMMan said:
Yeah, pretty much this.  

For you parents saying that everything you do revolves around your kid....although in some sense, this is simply a sign of being a great parent (it is to some extent)....I think it can go too far.  Make sure you get some alone time and also some alone time with your partner.  I don't think it's healthy to be 24/7 about your kid and not have any of your own hobbies, interests, etc.
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I have four kids and I agree with you.  I make time to be along or away from them - I think its good for you and for the kid.  I don't want my kid to leave the home for college or move out to get a job and both of us think - "alright, what do I do now?".  I want him/her to be prepared and ready and I want to have things I'm looking forward to do.  I love my wife and kids more than anything and they know that I'd do anything for them.  I'm almost as excited to see what they accomplish after they are out of my house than what they are doing now.  To me, part of successful parenting is about how the person turns out.  It gives me unbelievable pride when someone pays a compliment to one of my kids - its a feeling that is almost hard to explain.

 
dkp993 said:
That absolutely changed the moment we had my daughter.  The feelings of love I experienced (and continue too) I can not describe to anyone who hasn’t been through it
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:goodposting:

 
bigbottom said:
Having kids is sublimely awesome.  It also sucks.
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I spent yesterday doing a college tour with the oldest. Today I am playing school with disney characters learning their ABC's with the youngest.

Yeah, I'd rather be at Yankee stadium or doing stuff with their mom at some level. But in these moments? I am proud, scared,joyfull, nervous, happy, silly, laughing, crying, thoughtful, tired, selfless and having the time of my life.

And I'm also superman, can do no wrong,  know how to fix everything, know every answer and am the perfect cuddle bug when someone is tired.

Its exhausting. And exhilarating.  Scary and remarkable. Wouldn't trade places with Bryce Harper right now for anything.

But ask me again in 20 minutes.

 
TripItUp said:
It just feels odd to be perfectly content without kids when the vast majority of the rest of the world decides they want/need them.  It feels like I was born without something that everybody else has. 
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A penis?

 
Yankee23Fan said:
I spent yesterday doing a college tour with the oldest. Today I am playing school with disney characters learning their ABC's with the youngest.

Yeah, I'd rather be at Yankee stadium or doing stuff with their mom at some level. But in these moments? I am proud, scared,joyfull, nervous, happy, silly, laughing, crying, thoughtful, tired, selfless and having the time of my life.

And I'm also superman, can do no wrong,  know how to fix everything, know every answer and am the perfect cuddle bug when someone is tired.

Its exhausting. And exhilarating.  Scary and remarkable. Wouldn't trade places with Bryce Harper right now for anything.

But ask me again in 20 minutes.
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Give it time, you will be an out of touch clueless moron in no time.

 
I will admit, the baby years until about 3 years old are VERY stressful. Many sleepless nights, constantly being tired, whats wrong with the baby?, whats does their poop look like? conversations, sticking to schedules, never going out, always sick, lugging half the house around anytime you go out, baby proofing, etc... Its not something Id want to go through again at my current age (41).

 
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The_Man said:
I saw somebody say that having kids today is like signing them up for a mission on a spaceship whose chance of success is unknown.  
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This strikes me as slightly exageratory.

 
jamny said:
We don't have kids but I don't think overrated is a good description. It's just not for everyone. Very glad we never did.
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100% in agreement here.

It's not stress we ever wanted to take on and have never regretted the decision.

 
I don't think I'm emotionally wired to really experience the deep positive feelings that so many in here mention. I have kids. They're grown and I like them a lot.

 
love having my kids- the cliches are all true. 

the opposite cliches are also all true- my time is no longer mine. my money is no longer mine. nothing is mine anymore. in good and bad ways. 

we had kids later in life (late 30s, early 40s), so got to do a lot of the living we wanted to do prior to having them- travelling, sleeping, bars/clubs, theater, etc, etc. if we had a lot more money, we'd do a lot more of the things my wife and I like (travel, going out)... so money would fix a lot for us. but 11 1/2 years in, the best part of my day is still getting home and seeing the kids. 

 
The_Man said:
somebody say that having kids today is like signing them up for a mission on a spaceship whose chance of success is unknown.  
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We live in an era where we have the greatest health care and where the treatment of individuals is better than ever before in the history of the Earth.  

People who think it's tough to bring kids into this world now are not using logic.

 
I doubt you can find many people who've had children who regret it, and I doubt you can find many people who haven't who regret it.  It's hard to know the best parts of either decision if you haven't experienced them for yourself.

The one difference, I think, is that people who don't have kids don't complain about negative consequences of that decision to friends of coworkers, even though there are obviously negative and positive consequences of any decision. They will, however, discuss its obvious benefits, because those benefits are things we talk about in casual conversations.  Meanwhile the opposite is true of parents: complaining about their kid vomiting all over themselves at 3 AM and endless carpools and afterschool activities and exhaustion and expenses you never even considered before are casual conversation fodder, whereas there's not a lot of "good" parenting material that fits in that kind of setting.  The only good parenting conversation fodder are the funny stories about kids in a certain age range saying and doing hilarious stuff, which is great but doesn't really go to the heart of what makes parenting so rewarding. This disparity is just a function of how we socialize, I think.

That's obviously not meant to be evidence of some universal truth, since there isn't one. Just something for people to keep in mind when they make decisions about parenthood and consider the value of what they hear from friends and coworkers.

 
Bull Dozier said:
Freedom.

I fall into the camp of having kids, and loving it.  Like Shady, I'm not looking forward to the day they are out of the house.  My two boys are in high school, and I rarely see them.  I miss them.  I love that they are old enough and mature enough to have real conversations in those rare moments they are in the mood.  My favorite days of the weeks are when we actually have time to sit down for a family dinner, and instead of the scarfing down they food and rushing off to whatever they want to go do, they sit at the table after we are all done eating and we have an actual conversation about something in the news, or what happened at school, or whatever they crack open a beer with me on a weeknight to discuss the days events.  Gone are the days where I am constantly caring for them, or driving them to and from their activities, but the relationship with them is irreplaceable.
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Fixed

 
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