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Lost inheritance? Commiserate here (1 Viewer)

Clown Car

Footballguy
My dad died in January. He had been fighting leukemia for about two years. We had great hope that a bone marrow transplant would work but it didn’t and he died peacefully at home. My sister, his sister, his paid care giver, his wife, and I were there that last week. 

My dad left my mom, my sister and I in 1976. We lived in poverty and squalor with our alcoholic mother who also had mental health problems. There was a revolving door of men, many times we didn’t have food or electricity or water, but we always had beer and cigarettes. He went on to build a lot of wealth in stocks, real estate, and general cash savings because he lived very frugally. 

He met and married his wife in 2003. She also had a bit of cash and a property or two. She had no children and was over 50 so unlikely to have any. No family ties as her parents had long passed and her brother and she didn’t speak. They continued to accrue wealth and property. 

We had a relatively normal relationship with my dad as adults. Until he got married. Then he didn’t need our company. He didn’t spend time with my kids at all. Couldn’t even tell you all their names, which does sound like a lot to ask but really it isn’t. 

So he died. Prior to his illness and death they set everything up so that neither would have to deal with probate and everything they had went to the other. 

We got nothing. And I know in the grand scheme of things we arent owed anything. But we did feel that we deserved something from him. He never thought once about us as children. He didn’t think once about us as adults. He also never thought he would get sick and die younger than 70. He was a health nut, work out freak. So now she benefits from the crap he dealt us and the treatment of our mother. It’s so sick and morbid how he acted all these years. Our mom died in October so it was a double emotional hit. 

Im working on getting over it. But it’s still pretty raw. 

 

bigmarc27

Footballguy
My circumstances growing up were very different, so that may play into my thoughts being different but I’ve never once thought about getting a dime of inheritance from anyone. It’s never crossed my mind. 

 

The Big Guy

Fear the Blitz
Funny thing is that no one "deserves" a dime just because of some family tie. It truly sucks to hear and people only seem to remember the recent events when contemplating their demise, but that is what many people do.

My condolences on your losses and I would try to not dwell on what you perceive as a miss.

 

ChiefD

Footballguy
My dad died in January. He had been fighting leukemia for about two years. We had great hope that a bone marrow transplant would work but it didn’t and he died peacefully at home. My sister, his sister, his paid care giver, his wife, and I were there that last week. 

My dad left my mom, my sister and I in 1976. We lived in poverty and squalor with our alcoholic mother who also had mental health problems. There was a revolving door of men, many times we didn’t have food or electricity or water, but we always had beer and cigarettes. He went on to build a lot of wealth in stocks, real estate, and general cash savings because he lived very frugally. 

He met and married his wife in 2003. She also had a bit of cash and a property or two. She had no children and was over 50 so unlikely to have any. No family ties as her parents had long passed and her brother and she didn’t speak. They continued to accrue wealth and property. 

We had a relatively normal relationship with my dad as adults. Until he got married. Then he didn’t need our company. He didn’t spend time with my kids at all. Couldn’t even tell you all their names, which does sound like a lot to ask but really it isn’t. 

So he died. Prior to his illness and death they set everything up so that neither would have to deal with probate and everything they had went to the other. 

We got nothing. And I know in the grand scheme of things we arent owed anything. But we did feel that we deserved something from him. He never thought once about us as children. He didn’t think once about us as adults. He also never thought he would get sick and die younger than 70. He was a health nut, work out freak. So now she benefits from the crap he dealt us and the treatment of our mother. It’s so sick and morbid how he acted all these years. Our mom died in October so it was a double emotional hit. 

Im working on getting over it. But it’s still pretty raw. 
Sorry to hear about all this.

I guess one thing you did "inherit" is how not to treat your children. If that's the one takeway you get from this, that is worth more than money.

 

NutterButter

Footballguy
My circumstances growing up were very different, so that may play into my thoughts being different but I’ve never once thought about getting a dime of inheritance from anyone. It’s never crossed my mind. 
Same here.   It really seems odd to me to even think about it considering my age.   I guess it would be more reasonable that my kids would get an inheritance from their grand parents, but I view them as my responsibility so it still doesn't even cross my mind.   

 

Jobber

Footballguy
I think about my (three) kids inheritance from my wife and me all the time. I think about how nice it would be if magically, 500k would drop into my lap tomorrow. I want that for my kids, and we are doing our damdest to save and invest to be sure our kids get something when we die. 

I cant even fathom how a parent doesn’t think this way. 

 

MAC_32

Footballguy
My circumstances growing up were very different, so that may play into my thoughts being different but I’ve never once thought about getting a dime of inheritance from anyone. It’s never crossed my mind. 
Same.  My old man's brought it up before and others around me have mentioned it in conversation, but if neither of those things happened it'd have never crossed my mind.  If I get one, okay.  If I don't then I wasn't expecting one anyway.  But if mom died, dad re-married, then allocated all of his remaining dollars to his new wife's family...well, that'd get my attention.  So I sympathize with this situation.  Brutal.

 

Hot Diggity Dog

Footballguy
My wife's family was very rich way back in the day.  it's a family legend that they donated the table that the dred Scott decision was signed on to a museum in St. Louis.  My wife's grandparents apparently spent all that was left after the family lost the business in the 30's and 40's.  But there was still a huge stash of antique furniture,  which I have never seen but it is rumored to be extensive.   The uncle that didn't fight with the grandparents has all of it stashed in a pretty big garage on his property.   He won't let the surviving kids , including my mother in law see it.  My wife and her 2 brothers were supposed to inherit this stuff when the uncle died but he has since gotten married and he is in failing health.   Its pretty clear all of that stuff is going to uncle's wife's family.   Shame because there is a lot of family history in there but what you gonna do?  No one needs the money of our 3 families but it would be cool to see the history in there.  

 

GroveDiesel

Footballguy
I don't really feel like my family owes me anything, but if they intentionally left it to another relative and gave me nothing without an explanation (other relative really needed it or whatever) I would probably feel hurt. Not because I felt I deserved the money, but because that decision would feel like a statement.

In your case, I have no idea what the state law is that you grew up in, but it's a shame that your mother never made a child support claim against your father. In some states you can make back claims well after the child turns 18.

Have to agree with ChiefD, you got dealt a pretty crappy hand as far as parents go it seems. That you turned out ok and used it as a lesson in what not to be is to your credit and ultimately more valuable than money.

 

mr. furley

Footballguy
Same.  My old man's brought it up before and others around me have mentioned it in conversation, but if neither of those things happened it'd have never crossed my mind.  If I get one, okay.  If I don't then I wasn't expecting one anyway.  But if mom died, dad re-married, then allocated all of his remaining dollars to his new wife's family...well, that'd get my attention.  So I sympathize with this situation.  Brutal.
this is what my mom's new husband did.

he was, apparently, a tremendous ####### to his kids as they grew up to the point where all three of his kids severed ties with him completely after graduating high school (years ago now). but he was also tremendously successful and, at least according to him, saved up enough money to last him several retirements.

when he married my mom he signed his entire life over to her in the will.. and... again according to him... made sure his kids won't see a dime.

fun guy

 

Sand

Footballguy
I think about my (three) kids inheritance from my wife and me all the time. I think about how nice it would be if magically, 500k would drop into my lap tomorrow. I want that for my kids, and we are doing our damndest to save and invest to be sure our kids get something when we die. 

I cant even fathom how a parent doesn’t think this way. 
If your kids are anything like me I'm sure they'd much rather have you back than have the money.  Both my parents have passed - the pain of loss never goes away.  Money means ****.

 

Jobber

Footballguy
If your kids are anything like me I'm sure they'd much rather have you back than have the money.  Both my parents have passed - the pain of loss never goes away.  Money means ****.
Agreed. But if I’m dead anyway, may as well help them pay off their mortgages and grandkids college. 

 

Fat Nick

Footballguy
I'm an only child and neither of my parents are close with their remaining family.  My Dad is a 1st generation immigrant and self-made wealthy.  I whole heatedly admired him growing up and much of who I am today is because of who he is.  He fell on some legal issues a few years ago and I still remember his biggest area of concern had nothing to do with any pending charges or anything like that, but that he had to spend some of "my inheritance" on legal fees.  I remember telling him that I'm well educated, gainfully employed, and doing just fine - I don't expect a dollar from him when his time comes...but as a father, I know that I'm already saving money for my son and daughter.  I guess it's all about perspective.

I don't expect another dollar from my parents (though I'm sure someday I'll get some).  They've given me far more than money over the years...but on the flip side, if I'd be disappointed in myself if I didn't leave my kids something when I passed.  

 

The Big Guy

Fear the Blitz
this is what my mom's new husband did.

he was, apparently, a tremendous ####### to his kids as they grew up to the point where all three of his kids severed ties with him completely after graduating high school (years ago now). but he was also tremendously successful and, at least according to him, saved up enough money to last him several retirements.

when he married my mom he signed his entire life over to her in the will.. and... again according to him... made sure his kids won't see a dime.

fun guy
At least it was going to his spouse, a person who we assume loves and cares for him and not the kids that have long since written him off.  I get how you said that the split from the kids was probably his fault, but since they have zero interactions with the man, they should expect zero when he passes too.

 

Long Ball Larry

Footballguy
Funny thing is that no one "deserves" a dime just because of some family tie. It truly sucks to hear and people only seem to remember the recent events when contemplating their demise, but that is what many people do.

My condolences on your losses and I would try to not dwell on what you perceive as a miss.
i don't think that the money is the big issue for her.  more like, here's some dude who was a total **** to her and her siblings and her mother all of their life, taking no responsibility, which has left a great wound.  And now here's one last bit of salt, too.

 

chet

Footballguy
Does he have a case?
Not a lawyer but I've been through enough legal battles (although none contesting a will) to know that you don't necessarily need a case.  His threat will be slowing down the process so that "new family" won't have access to the estate during the battle.  That may encourage them to settle before any actual trial.  It's a ####ty tactic but he and his sister were also treated poorly.  

 

Tin Cup

Footballguy
Sorry man.

I come from a family of fisherman on my father's side.  My great-grandfather owned a boat and fished off the coast of Massachusetts.  He used a lot of his earnings to accumulate lots of land on Cape Cod.  He would be gone for months at a time back in the day.  At some point, the tax bill on the land came due and no one else in the family knew about it.  So Uncle Sam came and seized all the land.  Would have been worth untold amounts had that not happened.  By the time my grandfather found out about it, it was too late.  The family fortune took a left turn that day.

Life has a warped sense of humor sometimes.

 

[scooter]

Footballguy
My best friend's dad is worth several million. The dad has told my friend that he will not get any inheritance unless he converts to the dad's semi-cultish religion.

There was a time when the dad said that the entire inheritance would go to my friend's son (the only grandchild). But that offer was revoked after the grandchild announced that he was gay.

 

Senor Schmutzig

Footballguy
Interesting topic. I guess I have never put much thought into any inheritance because I really don't expect any from my parents (not that they are in a position to give much). I am trying to accumulate wealth as I grow older but it's more for retirement than putting something together with the intention of leaving it to my son. Maybe that thought will change (I'm 49 now) as I progress in life but up to this point, I'm just trying to get to a spot where I can pay for his college, not work into my 70's, have a small amount of debt at the most and be able to travel while I can still remember where the hell I'm going. 

 

El Floppo

Footballguy
@Clown Car

I'm so sorry for your losses- mom and dad both is a lot to deal with- and for the way you were forced to grow up. as somebody else mentioned, you've obviously learned great parenting skills by doing the opposite of what you've experienced... plus you're getting tons of practice.

by "lost inheritance" I opened the thread thinking your dad had left whatever he had to probate, or some random charity of his choice. but the way I'm understanding it, he left everything to his wife of 15 years? sucks that it's not you guys, but it seems kind of normal to me. my dad left everything to my mom when he died... not split between my mom and my brother and me. FIL did the same with my MIL. 

the real question is what your dad's widow plans to do with it after she goes. have you had any relationship with her? doesn't sound like it. even childless, she might have family that she'll want to leave it to... which makes sense. but whatever happens- sadly for you, it's hers to do with as she pleases. sucks your dad couldn't have figured something out for you- while living and in death- really does. 

 

Peak

Footballguy
I don't expect anything really from my parents, and I never really considered that would change.  If I inherit anything, I'm afraid it may be bills.

With that said, my wife's father has had her family planned out for many, many years.  She's not from a wealthy family persay, but he's planned well enough to take care of his 5 kids and his grandchildren.  Now, he's also said that now that he's retired all bets are off the table and that "you can't take it with ya!"  So now my wife's parents are constantly travelling and taking in the sights during retirement.  I completely agree with him and his philosophy.  I don't expect anything, but if we do get something it will be a nice surprise.

My mom was in your boat @Clown Car, in that her mom died and the will then said when her father passed, my mom was to be the executor of the will and to split any remaining assets with her siblings.  Well, my grandfather moved to a different state and eventually married another woman at the ripe age of 72.  About 3 years later he passed away.  In that short time, the will was changed and everything went to his new wife. It was pretty sad at the time, as his kids were always there to help him and would go to him out of state if he should ever need anything.  His wife's family never lifted a finger to help.  I remember hearing all of these stories growing up.  He had a couple of properties down south and some money saved up - but no one in our family saw a dime out of it.  My mom and her siblings paid his funeral expenses out of pocket to have him buried in the plot he had next to my grandmother.  His newly widowed wife wanted nothing to do with him after he died - wouldn't even attend a funeral service.  Pretty sad outcome.

 

tommyGunZ

Footballguy
My dad died in January. He had been fighting leukemia for about two years. We had great hope that a bone marrow transplant would work but it didn’t and he died peacefully at home. My sister, his sister, his paid care giver, his wife, and I were there that last week. 

My dad left my mom, my sister and I in 1976. We lived in poverty and squalor with our alcoholic mother who also had mental health problems. There was a revolving door of men, many times we didn’t have food or electricity or water, but we always had beer and cigarettes. He went on to build a lot of wealth in stocks, real estate, and general cash savings because he lived very frugally. 

He met and married his wife in 2003. She also had a bit of cash and a property or two. She had no children and was over 50 so unlikely to have any. No family ties as her parents had long passed and her brother and she didn’t speak. They continued to accrue wealth and property. 

We had a relatively normal relationship with my dad as adults. Until he got married. Then he didn’t need our company. He didn’t spend time with my kids at all. Couldn’t even tell you all their names, which does sound like a lot to ask but really it isn’t. 

So he died. Prior to his illness and death they set everything up so that neither would have to deal with probate and everything they had went to the other. 

We got nothing. And I know in the grand scheme of things we arent owed anything. But we did feel that we deserved something from him. He never thought once about us as children. He didn’t think once about us as adults. He also never thought he would get sick and die younger than 70. He was a health nut, work out freak. So now she benefits from the crap he dealt us and the treatment of our mother. It’s so sick and morbid how he acted all these years. Our mom died in October so it was a double emotional hit. 

Im working on getting over it. But it’s still pretty raw. 
That really sucks CC.  Folks saying that you turned out well despite your circumstance are correct - but I don't buy the sentimental idea that the money doesn't matter.  Money always matters.  It sucks, but if your house was paid for and you had $500k -$1M in the bank, you can live a much different life.  You can choose to work far less, and you can choose to work in a career that is much more emotionally satisfying as opposed to much of the soul crushing paper pushing most of us do day-to-day in an effort to enjoy a moderate standard of living.  And it sounds like your Dad could have provided that life change for you.  

I'd feel the exact same way.  Not that you're owed anything, but you were due a life break, and it was right there for you.  And your Dad whiffed.  Again. 

Sorry for you loss.  

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
That really sucks CC.  Folks saying that you turned out well despite your circumstance are correct - but I don't buy the sentimental idea that the money doesn't matter.  Money always matters.  It sucks, but if your house was paid for and you had $500k -$1M in the bank, you can live a much different life.  You can choose to work far less, and you can choose to work in a career that is much more emotionally satisfying as opposed to much of the soul crushing paper pushing most of us do day-to-day in an effort to enjoy a moderate standard of living.  And it sounds like your Dad could have provided that life change for you.  

I'd feel the exact same way.  Not that you're owed anything, but you were due a life break, and it was right there for you.  And your Dad whiffed.  Again. 

Sorry for you loss.  
Thanks. My sister said he asked her how much she owed on her house and car and it was about $190+11k and he said “well maybe I will get you out of debt.” We know there was an insurance policy of $600k to pay off any expenses in the apartment complex, but it had already been paid off. So there was basically free money that wasn’t even out of his pocket she could have given us. Life changing, pay off the houses money. Money that will in no way change her standard of living. She will sell or sit in their 5br paid off house, collect rents from their property, living off their savings. Their marriage was bad. She would call my sister to complain about things he said or did to her. they would  have been divorced in 2008 if real estate hadn’t tanked. He said they didn’t divorce because it would have cost him too much. Honestly if they had we would probably still get nothing. But now she won’t even give us heirloom type stuff. I’m sure she won’t give me his flag from his funeral, even though I was born on Paris island when he was in the marines. She didn’t know his rank or job. But yes the grieving widow. Whatever.

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
My circumstances growing up were very different, so that may play into my thoughts being different but I’ve never once thought about getting a dime of inheritance from anyone. It’s never crossed my mind. 
Well he would say things like “you’re back in the will” after doing something for him or “you’re out if the will” when we would crack on each other. So it was a long joked about topic. 

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
Sorry about that.  Your father sounds like he was a very selfish person.  Have you talked to a lawyer about challenging the will?  
There is no will. They arranged everything so it just goes to the surviving spouse upon death. I truly think he thought he would be the surviving spouse. I truly thought he would outlive her so he didn’t want any hassle. Hahahaha. Jokes on him!!

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
It's amazing that you turned out normal.  
Did I though? I think all the kids represent some loss of family. I never wanted to not belong to a family so I created my own in droves. So even if only 1/4 of my kids talk to me when I’m old, I will still belong somewhere. 

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
this is what my mom's new husband did.

he was, apparently, a tremendous ####### to his kids as they grew up to the point where all three of his kids severed ties with him completely after graduating high school (years ago now). but he was also tremendously successful and, at least according to him, saved up enough money to last him several retirements.

when he married my mom he signed his entire life over to her in the will.. and... again according to him... made sure his kids won't see a dime.

fun guy
At least if he’s telling the truth your mom will have money for her declining years. And be assured I do not begrudge that to my dads wife. 

Funny aside: my dads second wife’s 3rd husband (of 4) did basically the same thing you describe. He left all his assets to Ann. They set it all up so his kids got nothing, ann got everything, and they loved to England to live the rest of theirs lives. Two weeks later he died. 20 years later his money was paying for Ann’s care at a very nice catholic nursing home near her daughter in Monterey. So in one tiny little way we see Ann having been well cared for as payback for getting nothing now. Ann was very special to my sister. She was just another adult who didn’t like me until much later. She was very impressed with how I turned out. I noticed her having memory problems after I called to tell her about #8. But that’s enough of this story. 

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
@Clown Car

I'm so sorry for your losses- mom and dad both is a lot to deal with- and for the way you were forced to grow up. as somebody else mentioned, you've obviously learned great parenting skills by doing the opposite of what you've experienced... plus you're getting tons of practice.

by "lost inheritance" I opened the thread thinking your dad had left whatever he had to probate, or some random charity of his choice. but the way I'm understanding it, he left everything to his wife of 15 years? sucks that it's not you guys, but it seems kind of normal to me. my dad left everything to my mom when he died... not split between my mom and my brother and me. FIL did the same with my MIL. 

the real question is what your dad's widow plans to do with it after she goes. have you had any relationship with her? doesn't sound like it. even childless, she might have family that she'll want to leave it to... which makes sense. but whatever happens- sadly for you, it's hers to do with as she pleases. sucks your dad couldn't have figured something out for you- while living and in death- really does. 
I know I’m talking like a 6yo when I say this: if our parents had stayed together and my mom was Carole and everything went to her, I would be completely fine with that. That is how it’s supposed to be! 

But this is different. We put up with so much crap. My mother was homeless living in a tent city behind a grocery store. Her teeth were rotting out. My sister was either in college or just out. She was trying to help and asked him to help. He said “no she’s your problem now”. 

Its just too much. Too much crap. 

 

El Floppo

Footballguy
I know I’m talking like a 6yo when I say this: if our parents had stayed together and my mom was Carole and everything went to her, I would be completely fine with that. That is how it’s supposed to be! 

But this is different. We put up with so much crap. My mother was homeless living in a tent city behind a grocery store. Her teeth were rotting out. My sister was either in college or just out. She was trying to help and asked him to help. He said “no she’s your problem now”. 

Its just too much. Too much crap. 
completely sucks- so sorry you had to go through it, and that even in his death it feels like you're still going through it. I'll never understand turning your back on family like that.

didn't mean to exacerbate the feelings... was just trying to understand. apologies if it made you feel worse.

 

D in the D

Footballguy
Same thing happened with my Dad. He remarried many years after my mom and him divorced. I kind of saw how things were gonna play out so I never expected anything.  Havent talked with my stepmom in years.  I assume that even if my dad had set up anything to go to my sister and I, that stepmom changed that and will have it all go to her daughter.

I always told my parents I hope their bank accounts expire on the same day that they do and to not worry about leaving me anything.  So the way things turned out with my dad doesn't stick with me.  My sister, on the other hand, is still mad 11 years later.

 

GoBirds

Footballguy
I know I’m talking like a 6yo when I say this: if our parents had stayed together and my mom was Carole and everything went to her, I would be completely fine with that. That is how it’s supposed to be! 

But this is different. We put up with so much crap. My mother was homeless living in a tent city behind a grocery store. Her teeth were rotting out. My sister was either in college or just out. She was trying to help and asked him to help. He said “no she’s your problem now”. 

Its just too much. Too much crap. 
Life is crazy man, sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh. You seem like a good person CC, don't let it get to you. 

 
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Clown Car

Footballguy
completely sucks- so sorry you had to go through it, and that even in his death it feels like you're still going through it. I'll never understand turning your back on family like that.

didn't mean to exacerbate the feelings... was just trying to understand. apologies if it made you feel worse.
It’s true I am still working through it. You didn’t make me feel worse. It’s good to get things out. And you guys are just getting the highlight reel. 

 

Clown Car

Footballguy
Same thing happened with my Dad. He remarried many years after my mom and him divorced. I kind of saw how things were gonna play out so I never expected anything.  Havent talked with my stepmom in years.  I assume that even if my dad had set up anything to go to my sister and I, that stepmom changed that and will have it all go to her daughter.

I always told my parents I hope their bank accounts expire on the same day that they do and to not worry about leaving me anything.  So the way things turned out with my dad doesn't stick with me.  My sister, on the other hand, is still mad 11 years later.
I’m sorry. I hope you and your sister have a good relationship. My sister and I have been rocks for each other. 

 

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