My first poem! (1 Viewer)

[dutch]

Alright guys, critique this one, its personal.

Emeralds and Snowflakes

To carry on though beaten, that is the life this warrior leads
once proud but now nearly broken he has fallen to his knees
must get up, must move on
he tries but fails again
without another's hand he will never cross this snow swept plain
 
Snowflakes whirl on wind that churns, bitter cold attacks his bones
He thinks back on his stolen life and all within him groans
go forward, don't look back
he tries and fails again
it is the curse of painful memories which keeps him locked and chained
 
As the snowflakes fall and gales resume, the warrior looks ahead
He sees a light approach and sorrow has been replaced, it's hope that is in it's sted
Look up, not down
This time he succeeds
A warrior of ample beauty and emerald eyes comes forward to his need
 
She holds her hand for his, he silently reaches for the offered help
Up he rises through the frozen snow as he uses her to brace himself
See the light, the emerald eyes
He cannot look away
She has a magic that holds him straight never letting him sway
 
Her strength is clearly evident, he can barely match her resolve
Across the plain, through the snow she determines nothing calamitous will befall
Hair flows and whips
Onward she pushes both
He sees on her face the scars she carries, can tell she keeps an oath
 
Many years ago, she came to lead a fallen man to his rightful place on earth
She left that same night after getting him to a home with fire, food and hearth 
what remains, where is she now
She silently faded away
But still the vision of her emerald eyes stays with him till this day

 

[dutch]

The beginning rumblings of a germinating idea formenting deep within.  

[SIZE=10.5pt]Never fit in, always on the outside[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]Even your folks scratch their heads at the oddity that is you[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]Feeling so different, always seeming strange[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]Put a hole in my head and let out the tide[/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10.5pt]work up the courage, ask the cute girl for a date[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]you know you'll back down cuz you always have doubts[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]doesnt matter that you think and have the good looks too[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]you're never good enough to hang with the cool kids or louts[/SIZE]
 
Got the good first job, it pays the bills

Still cant make hay trying to match the top sales
Always ####ed up, can't seem to shake the sense
You know what's the problem, you're just too ####### ill
 
So now you got the bottle and you pop some pills too, whatever it takes to just get you through.  Light up a joint or toke up a smoke, nothing is wrong when you self medicate
 
Sitting in an office, talking your life
The lady listening to you is taking away your blues
For fifty odd years you lived with the pain
You're finally free, you got help thanks to your wife
 

 

 

[dutch]

An attempt at lyrics.  Not finished but a first try.

 

[Mr. Pickles]

Plathian. 

 

[dutch]

yeah, but this one goes to eleven.

 

[dutch]

Song try #2:

The other day, went walkin’ to my boo

Looked around, made sure that it was cool

Her face lit up when I walked in through the door

My jeans got tight when her clothes fell to the floor

Hangin’ round with a lady friend of mine

We play and talk, sometimes we even go to dine

Makin sure the Mrs. stays away

I gotta try to make my lover's play

Lady says she saw my wife drive down the street

Getting mad my lady withholds my favorite treat

Baby please, I’ll take care of all the trouble

Just come close, I’ll give you lovin, make it double

Hangin’ round with a lady friend of mine

We play and talk, sometimes we even go to dine

Makin sure the Mrs. stays away

I gotta try to make my lover's play

[Bridge]

What a time, we had a ball the two of us

Holding hands, getting warm, sometimes we even sneak a kiss

Going home I stop at the stall down at the station

Got my wife some of her favorite pink carnations

Hangin’ round with a lady friend of mine

We play and talk, sometimes we even go to dine

Makin sure the Mrs. stays away

I gotta try to make my lover's play

 

[dutch]

Dreaming when you're blue
[SIZE=10.5pt]It paints the world in the morning when everything is real[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]Followed along all day by the dreams as they come true[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10.5pt]The thoughts play thief and it’s your life they come to steal[/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10.5pt]Took  this out of my first attempt and made it a stand alone piece.  Both flow better I think.  I love talking to myself in public, keeps the paranoids away from me.[/SIZE]

 

[dutch]

Bridge in Time

You see it everyday as you pass on your way to work

To stop and jump, the thoughts tear apart your soul

Easy fix just to end it all

Troubles come to you as you live out your day

Go from here, just go away

It's a siren call that beckons you clear

No matter how you try you can always hear

Soon the call gentles to a whisper

Be careful now, it won't disappear

Years move on, days come to pass but the hum- it always lurks

Unsettled by what's in your way

the dream of the bridge starts up again

Hear it calling as you float to its song,

the pain will cease, it won't be long

Leave it behind, none of it matters

Family and friends, they will die one and all

So they take with them the memory of the pain of your fall

-----------------------------

Work in progress

 

[dutch]

shotgun blast right to the chest

blood spatter everywhere, oh what a mess

who of the two got shot still a question

as you break apart from the budding relation

it happens quick when you act without thought

the pain will linger you will feel overwrought

No make up is possible when they see you in the light

your Hyde slipped out, displayed in plain sight

no forgiveness is coming only goodbye and get out

It was in the palm of your hands you big stupid lout

The tears are coming with the agony of heartbreak

good luck to you when your soul does nothing but ache

you'll miss the touch, the voice, the hair, the scent

to top it off it was all cuz what you did that you couldn't repent

shotgun blast right to the chest

blood spatter everywhere, oh what a mess

 

[wikkidpissah]

your wordplay is steadily evolving (in fact, it's good enough now that you might try moving past rhyming just line-ending words to denser rap-like rhyme loops), my friend but, frankly, your imagery & emotions are all so end-of-the-world that it's rough to read, hard to weigh and almost impossible to relate to. It's like the Poet Who Rhymed Wolf (not easy to do). keep er going, but take a pill maybe.

 

[dutch]

its as much cathartic as creative, or so I hope.  The struggle is real.

 

[dutch]

I do appreciate the critique however and will take note.  Thanks wikid.

 

[wikkidpissah]

someone in a normal life going thru that much pain simply wants the pain. get help for that.

the prayer of someone going thru the grinder is compelling. the police report, not so much. GL -

 

[dutch]

beep beep zoom zoom look out you stupid ####

the rythym of the city at 7:00 Am monday gives you pause

who the hell is going that fast to get wherever they go

it's monday for heavens sake whatever it is can wait

wishing for coffe is time well spent but drinking it is even better if you can grab a cup

yeah yeah be #####y all you want, it's still monday morning for heavens sake

same time frames as friday feel thicker none the less

The day cant be over soon enough

bring on the weekend, one can hope to keep sane

 

[wikkidpissah]

beep beep zoom zoom look out you stupid ####

the rythym of the city at 7:00 Am monday gives you pause

who the hell is going that fast to get wherever they go

it's monday for heavens sake whatever it is can wait

wishing for coffe is time well spent but drinking it is even better if you can grab a cup

yeah yeah be #####y all you want, it's still monday morning for heavens sake

same time frames as friday feel thicker none the less

The day cant be over soon enough

bring on the weekend, one can hope to keep sane

good loose-tight free verse. follow them citybeats - a better brand of angry

 

[dutch]

Im teachable even if hard-headed

 

[dutch]

Can you love the one you #### while ####### the one you love?

Of course you can cuz its in the sentence

You can miss the love while loving the ####

but to miss the #### while ####### the love is a stupid way to try the live

 

[dutch]

as the ocean of blue sky pours down upon you

as the clouds of fluff give you pause

as the spring in  the air offers up your spirits

as the rain on a thought-filled day brings a mirthful grin

as the beauty of the gently falling snow seeps inside your soul

as the thunder reminds the flash that is to come while we are alive

nature offers up the joy that is life and the bliss of existense for all that are mortal even so

Live the gift, leave no regret

when the gray washes through the azure pleasure

when darkened whirls and razor tufts release you from your serenity

when the sultry torridness of summer encases you in manufactured relief

when a deluge brings bleaker thoughts that flood your calm

when frozen gales pierce your heart and tear at your mind

when the bolt shot from a cannonade in the clouds blinds you with anxious fear

nature delivers down the markers of anguish and the dread of uncertainty for all who take this fleeting trip

Deny the tainted treasure, make apathy your guide

 

[wikkidpissah]

that's a prayer, my friend. feel the dif? even though, and maybe because, it's evident that you're not as comfortable with softer imagery i can see more of your pain, hesitancy, realness than i do in your "rancid daggers rip my soul" stuff.

it's good on its own, but i could see where a second stanza which begins as fluffy as the first but gradually the snow goes brown and spirit curdles just a little might be wicked fun

 

[dutch]

Pulse pounding coolness and tightening breaths

signal the vise grip wrapped around your mind

She is leaving and not coming back

The warmth of her smile as she lay her head on your shoulders

plays on a reel in a non-stop loop

A memory to keep under lock and key

The bright future, what we will do, where we will see

looks back in the mirror with a mocking sneer

Thoughts to discard without hesitation

Footsteps echo on the stairs to the bedroom

as the empty refrigerator remains full of the here and now

Realities to live with day by day

Looking forward to laughing again while having no care

for the thoughts, memories or realities she leaves behind

A whole life again, a dreamers dream

 

[dutch]

Nuttin to do with  me, just a doodle to get the motor reved up again.  Thanks for the indulgence, gents.  

 

[dutch]

Sea lapping the sand, touching rolling embrace

Undulations, ripples caress with care

A moment lasts then retreats

Shore remains whole 
The pursuit begins anew

Acceptance, togetherness, foreverness is surely coming soon

 

[krista4]

Hey @dutch!  As part of the Wikkidpedia project, I just came across this thread and your poetry.  I'm really enjoying some of this.  Are you still writing?