My secret divorce (1 Viewer)

[sartre]

I won't presume to have any clue how I would handle something like this, but I really don't get what you're doing.

If you still live together, act to the rest of the world like you're married, have relation and not see anyone else, what does the divorce accomplish? It's a paperwork exercise.

I wish you nothing but the best, just don't get it.

She doesn't get it either, but says she will do anything if it helps me feel better. The marraige counselor thought it was a bad idea as well.

For me it is a matter of self-respect. I can't look at myself in the mirror and call the woman that did those things my wife. I no longer believe her marriage vow carries any worth. Mine does, but she doesn't deserve it. The only reason I'm looking for a way to make it work (to "get over" this) is that we have 3 young kids that will be adversely affected.

 

[sartre]

First, plenty of marriages are loveless. So what you're doing isn't completely out of the ordinary, except for you actually got the divorce.

Would you ever re-marry her?

You mentioned she didn't wear protection. What else do you know about the affair? Were they friends, co-workers, etc? How long was she cheating? Just one guy?

Good luck. I'd do everything I could for the sake of my kids too. I just don't know what would be the best. If I ever left, I'd probably only get weekends based on friends I've seen go through it. I'd rather see my kids all the time and put up with a bad wife.

They work on different floors of the same building. She had 3 liasons with him, I found out on the 3rd one.

There's too much backstory to fit in a couple of posts.

We have long had trust issues, and she has a history of promiscuity. But this is the first time I believe that she cheated on me since we were married (8 years, living together 10)

Don't buy a goat and act surprised when it eats all your prized shrubs.

Coming from MacG , he puts a healthy spin of humor on your wife nailing a colleague.

He is also spot on here.

I've actually expected it since 2010, when I found she was lying about staying in touch with the first husband. But we already had 2 kids then, what could I do?

 

[coyote5]

First, plenty of marriages are loveless. So what you're doing isn't completely out of the ordinary, except for you actually got the divorce.

Would you ever re-marry her?

You mentioned she didn't wear protection. What else do you know about the affair? Were they friends, co-workers, etc? How long was she cheating? Just one guy?

Good luck. I'd do everything I could for the sake of my kids too. I just don't know what would be the best. If I ever left, I'd probably only get weekends based on friends I've seen go through it. I'd rather see my kids all the time and put up with a bad wife.

They work on different floors of the same building. She had 3 liasons with him, I found out on the 3rd one.

There's too much backstory to fit in a couple of posts.

We have long had trust issues, and she has a history of promiscuity. But this is the first time I believe that she cheated on me since we were married (8 years, living together 10)

Don't buy a goat and act surprised when it eats all your prized shrubs.

Coming from MacG , he puts a healthy spin of humor on your wife nailing a colleague.

He is also spot on here.

I've actually expected it since 2010, when I found she was lying about staying in touch with the first husband. But we already had 2 kids then, what could I do?

Have another one obviously.

 

[The Hank]

In addition to the divorce, are you still going to have her as an insured driver or are you going to remove her off the Progressive policy too?

 

[McGarnicle]

 

[Controller]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

 

[cstu]

First, plenty of marriages are loveless. So what you're doing isn't completely out of the ordinary, except for you actually got the divorce.

Would you ever re-marry her?

You mentioned she didn't wear protection. What else do you know about the affair? Were they friends, co-workers, etc? How long was she cheating? Just one guy?

Good luck. I'd do everything I could for the sake of my kids too. I just don't know what would be the best. If I ever left, I'd probably only get weekends based on friends I've seen go through it. I'd rather see my kids all the time and put up with a bad wife.

They work on different floors of the same building. She had 3 liasons with him, I found out on the 3rd one.

There's too much backstory to fit in a couple of posts.

We have long had trust issues, and she has a history of promiscuity. But this is the first time I believe that she cheated on me since we were married (8 years, living together 10)

Don't buy a goat and act surprised when it eats all your prized shrubs.

Coming from MacG , he puts a healthy spin of humor on your wife nailing a colleague.

He is also spot on here.

I've actually expected it since 2010, when I found she was lying about staying in touch with the first husband. But we already had 2 kids then, what could I do?

I hope this chick is a dime.

 

[JohnnyU]

I def could never love ever again.

I'd also let her family know what a lying whore she is. Then, I'd prob hunt the dude down... If he knew she was married, he'd prob be in for a #### storm too... If he was married, I'd also go and try to nail his wife.

Sorry about the bad break.

No women is worth that. No way in hell do I go out and look to fight the guy she's sleeping with. It's all on her, not him. Nor would I do anything that would land me in prison either. If I do that, then I'm really the loser. The best thing to do in cases like that is to leave her and give your life a reboot.

Everyone handles anger differently. I'd need to pummel the guy. Banging his wife would make me feel much better too, no shtick.

I'm around 40 and while I've been in fights, I never punched someone squarely in the face. If there is a silver lining to this, that desire might be fulfilled if I ever run into him.

Have you tried punching your wife in the face?

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Violence isn't the answer, hitting her financial interest, or taking something she holds precious is the better solution. Why do something that lands you in jail? Then she wins and you lose twice.

 

[sartre]

First, plenty of marriages are loveless. So what you're doing isn't completely out of the ordinary, except for you actually got the divorce.

Would you ever re-marry her?

You mentioned she didn't wear protection. What else do you know about the affair? Were they friends, co-workers, etc? How long was she cheating? Just one guy?

Good luck. I'd do everything I could for the sake of my kids too. I just don't know what would be the best. If I ever left, I'd probably only get weekends based on friends I've seen go through it. I'd rather see my kids all the time and put up with a bad wife.

They work on different floors of the same building. She had 3 liasons with him, I found out on the 3rd one.

There's too much backstory to fit in a couple of posts.

We have long had trust issues, and she has a history of promiscuity. But this is the first time I believe that she cheated on me since we were married (8 years, living together 10)

Don't buy a goat and act surprised when it eats all your prized shrubs.

Coming from MacG , he puts a healthy spin of humor on your wife nailing a colleague.

He is also spot on here.

I've actually expected it since 2010, when I found she was lying about staying in touch with the first husband. But we already had 2 kids then, what could I do?

Have another one obviously.

It was unintentional. But ironically, at the time I do recall thinking, well that just delays the inevitable another year.

 

[McGarnicle]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

 

[Long Ball Larry]

you know what they say: Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre.

 

[sartre]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

Thanks, and to the others being supportive as well.

I was really a mess over the last few months. Finally feel like I got my feet back. But that there's still some unpleasantries ahead.

 

[Fennis]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

better turn off your Progressive Snapshot before you do that.

 

[The Hank]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

Thanks, and to the others being supportive as well.

I was really a mess over the last few months. Finally feel like I got my feet back. But that there's still some unpleasantries ahead.

IN all seriousness, how long ago did you find out?

 

[The Hank]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

better turn off your Progressive Snapshot before you do that.

Whose lawn are we talking about here?

 

[igbomb]

I won't presume to have any clue how I would handle something like this, but I really don't get what you're doing.

If you still live together, act to the rest of the world like you're married, have relation and not see anyone else, what does the divorce accomplish? It's a paperwork exercise.

I wish you nothing but the best, just don't get it.

She doesn't get it either, but says she will do anything if it helps me feel better. The marraige counselor thought it was a bad idea as well.

For me it is a matter of self-respect. I can't look at myself in the mirror and call the woman that did those things my wife. I no longer believe her marriage vow carries any worth. Mine does, but she doesn't deserve it. The only reason I'm looking for a way to make it work (to "get over" this) is that we have 3 young kids that will be adversely affected.

Fair enough. Like I said, I hope it all works out for the best, one way or another.

 

[sartre]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

I actually have to head out myself, and will not be on again until Monday probably.

If anyone reading this has a relevant experience with a cheating spouse, I would really appreciate your insight. Of course all insight is appreciated, but that kind most so.

 

[sartre]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

Thanks, and to the others being supportive as well.

I was really a mess over the last few months. Finally feel like I got my feet back. But that there's still some unpleasantries ahead.

IN all seriousness, how long ago did you find out?

November 15

 

[playin4beer]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

Thanks, and to the others being supportive as well.

I was really a mess over the last few months. Finally feel like I got my feet back. But that there's still some unpleasantries ahead.

IN all seriousness, how long ago did you find out?

November 15

Whitetail opener... TWO legged whitetail...

 

[Willie Whistle]

I did file for divorce. I can't call her my wife and be able to look at myself in the mirror. But I told her she could stay and I'd give her another chance; rather, give a chance to the "new person" she says that she is. So in a few weeks we will be secretly unmarried.

So you divorced your wife so that you can nail..... your wife?You're doing this all wrong.

 

[The Hank]

Sartre, sorry that you are going through this. For what it's worth, I think what you have done (the divorce & counseling) is very smart. I don't know if I could do what you're doing if I were in your shoes, but I do think it is smart. Good luck.

Thanks, and to the others being supportive as well.

I was really a mess over the last few months. Finally feel like I got my feet back. But that there's still some unpleasantries ahead.

IN all seriousness, how long ago did you find out?

November 15

I really hope things work out for you and the kids, I cant imagine what emotions you are feeling right now.

How old are your kids?

 

[Steve Tasker]

In addition to the divorce, are you still going to have her as an insured driver or are you going to remove her off the Progressive policy too?

I'm hoping he at least saved some money with the Progressive Snapshot after all this.

 

[MikeIke]

I have to say, I understand what you're going through but I don't understand what you're doing. For my initial response I thought you were going to try and work it out. But getting divorced and still living together and getting freaky together? It's unusual that's for sure. I think you're better off either leaving her or trying to fix things up.

 

[The Hank]

In addition to the divorce, are you still going to have her as an insured driver or are you going to remove her off the Progressive policy too?

I'm hoping he at least saved some money with the Progressive Snapshot after all this.

I dont think there's a discount for that...

 

[Clifford]

I def could never love ever again.

I'd also let her family know what a lying whore she is. Then, I'd prob hunt the dude down... If he knew she was married, he'd prob be in for a #### storm too... If he was married, I'd also go and try to nail his wife.

Sorry about the bad break.

I don't blame the guy. She was likely telling him how unhappy she was and how wonderful he was. Most dudes aren't sleaze balls actively going after happily married women and she's the one to blame.

Yeah, at the risk of more fishing accusations, the following is also true:

I met her a week before her first wedding. I was the "other guy" with her for a couple months before she got divorced. She painted an awful picture of her first husband. But as the years passed, I learned that he was really a great guy. So I know exactly what she was telling this new guy. I was on that side with her. Of course, there were no kids involved then.

OK, my notebook just kicked in. You're the guy she spilled the beans to while drunk right? Are you that guy?

 

[Yankee23Fan]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

I actually have to head out myself, and will not be on again until Monday probably.

If anyone reading this has a relevant experience with a cheating spouse, I would really appreciate your insight. Of course all insight is appreciated, but that kind most so.

I represent them or their spouses. I have no advice for you. Although I can pretty much prmosie you that your plan to get divorced but still live together is going to cause you and in the end your kids more problems then just getting divorced and acting like it.

 

[Widbil83]

Going out to mow the lawn...I expect this thread to be 10 pages when I return.

better turn off your Progressive Snapshot before you do that.

Whose lawn are we talking about here?

Don't mow another mans lawn!

 

[gameday]

Given her history you might have a serial cheater on your hands. I would not believe her that she cut things off. My advice is to do some detective work before setting on any course of action.

I would:

1) go through her phone. Check her texts. Look at her phone/text records to see if there is anything odd.

2) don't discount the fact she might have a burner phone. Hunt around in her car/purse, etc.

3) despite the fact you're using Progressive Snapshot you might want to consider putting a GPS in her car

4) if she has an iPhone and has synched to a PC you can recover deleted texts from the old sync logs

5) if she uses facebook go through her messages. Be sure to check her archived messages

6) put a key logger on her pc and phone. Find out if she has a secret email account.

7) scan her browser history

8) check the trashcan on her PC

9) put a VAR in her car. You might want to put one in your house, too

Cheaters don't all of a sudden just stop. If you need to, "Trust but Verify".

 

[SacramentoBob]

How do you secretly unmarry someone?

It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.

Have you thought about couple's therapy? It can do wonders, seriously.

If you plan on giving it a shot, you MUST do this.

We started that about 10 days after my discovery. Had about 10 sessions, and just this week I started my own (not sure how long that will last). I think they are moderately helpful, though afterwards I usually feel worse.

Have you floated this "secret divorce" idea by the therapist yet?

Yeah he thought it was an awful idea. The therapist I saw solo though, she thought it was good.

Sounds like she's hitting on you.

 

[SacramentoBob]

In addition to the divorce, are you still going to have her as an insured driver or are you going to remove her off the Progressive policy too?

I feel wrong for laughing at this. For the record, don't think it's a fishing trip.

 

[simey]

What are the logistics of how this will work? Are you sleeping together? Are you both allowed to date other people?

Still sleeping together. Neither dating anyone else. I don't have any interest yet, and she is genuine in her desire to fix things (for now, anyway).

If you are going to give her another chance, what is the hurry in getting divorced? In many states it matters if you are married or divorced in regards to health insurance, taxes, etc.

 

[Clifford]

if it is, it's a multi thread trip.

 

[Abraham]

If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.

 

[sublimeone]

kill her

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Stupid idea. Just split up already.

 

[McGarnicle]

Man, 10 years invested, and 3 kids. I hear stories like this and my mind is blown. You put all of your trust in someone to build a life, and they just #### you raw. Not condoning it whatsoever, but it makes me understand why spousal murder is not an uncommon thing.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Good thread. Keeping the wife in the same house gives us the potential for all sorts of weird, unexplored personal dynamics. And the "secret divorce" thing opens up the possibility of our hero living a double life kind of like Breaking Bad. The fact that a co-worker is involved adds even more plot opportunities.

I give this pilot episode four stars out of five. Will follow.

 

[MikeIke]

Given her history you might have a serial cheater on your hands. I would not believe her that she cut things off. My advice is to do some detective work before setting on any course of action.

I would:

1) go through her phone. Check her texts. Look at her phone/text records to see if there is anything odd.

2) don't discount the fact she might have a burner phone. Hunt around in her car/purse, etc.

3) despite the fact you're using Progressive Snapshot you might want to consider putting a GPS in her car

4) if she has an iPhone and has synched to a PC you can recover deleted texts from the old sync logs

5) if she uses facebook go through her messages. Be sure to check her archived messages

6) put a key logger on her pc and phone. Find out if she has a secret email account.

7) scan her browser history

8) check the trashcan on her PC

9) put a VAR in her car. You might want to put one in your house, too

Cheaters don't all of a sudden just stop. If you need to, "Trust but Verify".

I did this sort of thing for over a year, snooping on my wife looking for evidence of more cheating. Let me tell you, it wears on you after a while. Constantly looking for more red flags when in fact there may not be any there. Sometimes it actually is possible to turn over a new leaf. To be honest though, I still do snoop from time to time. Trust hasn't been completely restored yet and it's three years later.

 

[flranger]

I for one think this is brilliant. Remove all leverage from her and go ahead and get the divorce on the terms you set forth.

Getting married is a whole lot cheaper than getting divorced. If you can get her to play along and agree to all your demands while you agree to continue living with her until you effectively get divorced you will have the upper hand.

Then once divorced, you will know you can split without having to worry about the legalities of everything. And nearly every married man knows that the ##### is more frequent when your not married.

Sucks to be in this situation, but I think what you are doing is brilliant..........no schtick.

 

[johnnycakes]

You don't live her. Cut the crap, divorce her for real, and go to China to get some strange.

 

[MikeIke]

You don't live her. Cut the crap, divorce her for real, and go to China to get some strange.

I wondered how long it would take for you to chime in here with this advice.

 

[johnnycakes]

You don't live her. Cut the crap, divorce her for real, and go to China to get some strange.

I wondered how long it would take for you to chime in here with this advice.

I have been busy doing some real work.

 

[Plorfu]

I say you invite the guy over, double team her, I'm talking about being absolutely filthy to her, objectifying her, fluids everywhere, in everything, and then mail the tape to her dad and/or brother.

 

[Clifford]

So one thing: doing this for the kids is dead wrong. They will be hurt more by this pretend marriage than they will by a divorce. True divorce is your only option for your own happiness and the sake of the kids. Based on your previous thread, your wife is who she is. She can't handle fidelity, passes off her infidelity as the fault of whoever she is with for any reason she can think of, and obviously simply can not turn down a chance to screw a stranger.

You've already got the divorce, you owe her nothing. Sit the kids down, tell them what happened (leave out the details) and explain why you can't be with your wife any longer. Get your own place and move on with your life.

 

[Donsmith753]

This broad must be ####ting dollar bills...

 

[MikeIke]

So one thing: doing this for the kids is dead wrong. They will be hurt more by this pretend marriage than they will by a divorce. True divorce is your only option for your own happiness and the sake of the kids. Based on your previous thread, your wife is who she is. She can't handle fidelity, passes off her infidelity as the fault of whoever she is with for any reason she can think of, and obviously simply can not turn down a chance to screw a stranger.

You've already got the divorce, you owe her nothing. Sit the kids down, tell them what happened (leave out the details) and explain why you can't be with your wife any longer. Get your own place and move on with your life.

Do you have a link to the original thread? You've referred to it a couple times now.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

Legal separation down?

 

[northern exposure]

How do you secretly unmarry someone?

It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.

So you're going to pretend to be married. Interesting. Keeping the wedding ring on? You gonna date other women?

She's keeping her ring on. I stopped wearing mine, but put it on for family events. We really don't want our families knowing, because that would make birthday parties really tough. My side would despise her.

This charade won't last longer than 6 months. You either have to commit to fixing things or just go separate ways. You can't fake it.

Well luckily it's just a huge fishing trip and a load of crap.

It is Friday after all.

 

[northern exposure]

I def could never love ever again.

I'd also let her family know what a lying whore she is. Then, I'd prob hunt the dude down... If he knew she was married, he'd prob be in for a #### storm too... If he was married, I'd also go and try to nail his wife.

Sorry about the bad break.

No women is worth that. No way in hell do I go out and look to fight the guy she's sleeping with. It's all on her, not him. Nor would I do anything that would land me in prison either. If I do that, then I'm really the loser. The best thing to do in cases like that is to leave her and give your life a reboot.

Everyone handles anger differently. I'd need to pummel the guy. Banging his wife would make me feel much better too, no shtick.

I'm around 40 and while I've been in fights, I never punched someone squarely in the face. If there is a silver lining to this, that desire might be fulfilled if I ever run into him.

But the three of us all work at the same company, and I'm not about to lose my job over it. So it would have to be at a bar or something. I don't know what he looks like either (deliberately don't want to make the visuals any worse than they already are), so the chances are low.

The three of you work at the same company? Oh this won't be awkward at all.Nice setup for the next installment of this fishing trip where you encounter the dude at work.

 

[JohnnyU]

Call Billy Bob Thornton. I think he's currently in Minnesota, but he should be back soon.