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She had a huge wakeup call on Memorial Day. But it's complete bull#### for one person to have to be THIS close to leaving before the other one starts taking things seriously. She is scared, that's for sure. But it's not scared of losing me.
I am. The "I don't know" was more in general, not relating to seeing the therapist again.Follow through with this. I'm not saying it is easy, but...Therapist wants to meet once with each of us alone, then back together. I don't know.
What do you mean by this? Just that she's scared of being alone?
Well... it's bad.
She's scared of the marriage failing. In my opinion it's mostly a social stigma/thoughts about the kids thing for her. At least that's the only interpretation I can come up with when considering her actions and responses.
Was she a terrible kisser and bad in bed before you were married?? Why were you so attracted to her to get married again? These are sorta bad signs. Just sayin...
My bad. Not trying to pile on. Sorry, but that combo plus no willingness to better herself means she would have to be Mother Theresa like in every other aspect to make it worthwhile to spend the rest of your one shot on Earth with.Invaded? said:
Yes. This is a problem that I have admitted to contributing to over the years. It's not a recipe for a healthy intimate relationship. But it's a bit of a chicken and egg problem. It wasn't always that way.
Well, this is problematic when the man has no interest in having sex with the woman.
True. Very true. But that doesn't really change the biology involved. Sounds like there are serious attraction issues on both sides of the marriage. I guess from that perspective he can either tolerate the marriage as-is, work to change the attraction dynamic and hope she responds, or deep six the marriage.
I've read some of the Married Man Sex Life stuff, and I think it probably does do a decent job of explaining the dynamic in most marriages. I didn't find that it was particularly helpful for my marriage, though. A lot of it is centered around how to get your wife to want to have sex with you. That's not really the issue for me (or Invaded?).
Me? I'm far from an Alpha guy. I did find I was lacking Alpha male characteristics in my life though. And since addressing those, my life has become much better. Obviously there are a ton of issues that might be involved. But taking the lead in my family's finances alone has really helped my marriage.
Yeah, I think this is a fair characterization of his stuff. The problem for me (and Invaded?, I think) is all of the caveats at the end. Both of us already have a significantly higher "sex rank" than our spouse (to use Athol's terminology). Our wives have not "upped their game."
I know it says that. But the greater point of the article is empowerment for women and them taking on a more "spontaneous desire" role in relationships. Responsive/Spontaneous desire roles are pretty much 1950s relics. Women certainly have the capacity for spontaneous desire and men can act responsively. Limiting either gender's role in the sexual dynamic is ludicrous.
Yes that is a problem if that's the case. You either have to live with it or give her an ultimatum that she is required to do X Y and Z or you are gone? But if you don't have the true desire to follow through on leaving, the ultimatum is fake and she'll probably sense that and laugh it off. You can't very well tell her your won't tolerate a behavior and then go on tolerating it. Of course you might give her the ultimatum on Wednesday and get served divorce papers on Friday. It's a game of chicken for sure. But if you situation is intolerable, you can't really lose. You either get her to wake up and become a wife. Or you get divorced and can move forward with a better wife.
Oh they are? Why do you think strapping 6'2" like yourself nail all the hot chicks then? And nice 5'7" chubby guys like my (back in my early 20s) get stuck in the friend zone?
It's cool, there is some good discussion to be had on the subject. It's a pretty important part of a relationship.
Well that's what the last two years, and specifically last 9 months have been about.
Going back to this post. Why did this work? Because we both put in the effort. I gave her three things I needed from her, she did the same. We agreed to touch base weekly to assess where we are at so that neither of us goes too long with our needs being unmet.
I will admit that while I did try for a while after we had lots of these conversations, I really did, at some point, when I didn't see any changes, I just lost it. I lost all connection with her, I lost all hope, I lost all attraction. And after that I just haven't put much if any effort in. I just can't do it any more, I can't be the one that tries to keep things going, make things better by myself.
I have a hard time finding fault with you giving up. You tried before and nothing happened. Sounds like you may have tried multiple times and nothing has happened.
I don't know that your ultimate conclusion is wrong, but I don't know that I'd agree with the bolded.
I suspect that she probably doesn't even like him very much right now. I think it's sorta unrealistic to expect her to cry and say she loves him under these circumstances.
I don't think she is testing his resolve. I think she is trying to avoid doing anything, just like she seemingly has been for years.
You're probably right.
I think it's less a cognitive decision to not change, or not to make efforts to change, and more a simple inability to do so. She's just not capable.
I don't think she's testing his resolve. I think she's mentally ill. Maybe suffering depression along with other illnesses. Mental illnesses like bi-polar, various personality disorders, etc. are spectrum disorders and people who are higher functioning are tougher to diagnose.
You say that now, but the sad thing is, if you leave her, she'll lose weight and change her attitude in a heartbeat, just long enough to snag another man. It's what a lot of women do.
