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My wife, she's... overweight. (2 Viewers)

Invaded? said:
We fought last weekend. I was so fed up. I just went upstairs after she went to the bedroom and pretty much led with "What the #### are we doing?"

At this point she just wants me to forget all the stuff that happened prior. Pretty much forgiver her and start new. She thinks we can build a friendship/relationship if I just let us. The problem is that I'm so far past that. I literally don't have feelings for her like that, at all anymore. And I've told her that. I think she "gets it", in part, at this point. But I feel like it's just too late. Some things I do think she understands, but there are so many ways we're incompatible and that I know she'll never truly change.

The other day she told me not to plan anything for two weekends from now. She's got a surprise planned.

In my mind that's the weekend that things are going to go down for good.

I haven't talked to a lawyer yet. I really am on the fence about doing it before that weekend.
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I am very curious about the weekend she has planned. I don't think there's a need to postpone meeting with the lawyer if you had already planned to meet with him before then. Just meeting the lawyer doesn't mean you have to do anything right away (if you decide you don't want to). It seems like you'll be meeting a lawyer at some point in the near future no matter what. I'm not sure if you have a lawyer in mind or if you still need to find one.

This thread has been sort of emotional journey for me too. When you started it, I had already been dealing with this crap for years and you were still saying stuff like "I love my wife, I want to be with her, there's just this one little thing ..." I felt like I could see exactly where you were headed, you just had to figure it out for yourself. I felt like we were comrades facing a similar challenge, and I had some insight I could share with you.

Now you've passed me by. You seem to be on the cusp of ending your marriage and I'm pretty much still in the same place. Yeah, I've had some conversations with my wife over the last few years about all this but any improvement has been really negligible. And I still haven't moved on or taken any real steps to do so.

I guess I'm of two minds about the fact that you've managed to move things along a lot faster than me. I guess there's some part of me that feels proud that I've been able to keep it together for as long as I have. I know lots of folks make divorce with kids work really well, but I've always felt that my kids are better off with us all living together. But another part of me feels sad for myself. You're going to move on soon to what will probably be a happier, more fulfilling life. I guess I'm sorta jealous.

I hope you keep this thread updated through the potential separation and divorce and beyond. Maybe you'll end up having some good advice for me about how best to navigate things.

 
I just took the plunge into the land of divorce (see eggshells thread). I wrestled with the decision for a long time for many of the same reasons Invaded? and Wrighteous Ray have shared. I know it will be difficult for our kids, our finances and at least our short-term future. To say those concerns bother me is an understatement. But despite all that...

I feel good. I feel free. The emotional chains I allowed myself to be bound with are broken. I can begin to recapture my sense of self, rediscover who I once was and who I want to be. I can tell the decision is well worth it.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
This thread has been sort of emotional journey for me too. When you started it, I had already been dealing with this crap for years and you were still saying stuff like "I love my wife, I want to be with her, there's just this one little thing ..." I felt like I could see exactly where you were headed, you just had to figure it out for yourself. I felt like we were comrades facing a similar challenge, and I had some insight I could share with you.
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This thread had an impact on me also. I was not going through any of the things you guys are/were but I did have some minor things in my relationship with my wife that was bothering me around household responsibilities, things around raising our kids and finances. I took this thread as an opportunity to approach my wife to make sure we communicate better. We've implemented a State of the Union Marriage date night where we discuss our relationship, how we think things are going and things we can work on and/or are bothering us. Obviously, important issues we still deal with immediately but weve used this time to discuss some minor things and so far I think its been great for our marriage. I highly recommend it.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
The weekend away was, as per usual, just... blah.

We were at a spa on a mountain side with an amazing view. Went hiking. Went out to dinner.

But there was just nothing there. She didn't even try to push anything romantic/intimate.

A week or two ago, she was just continuing on our usual nightly routine and heading up to bed at 9 o'clock when I stopped her and said we needed to talk. I told her that there was nothing there on our weekend, that we were going nowhere, and that I thought we needed to talk about separating.

We talked/fought for a while and didn't really resolve a plan. Since then she just went back to normal ignore everything everyday life.

I'm actually planning on talking to her again tonight and laying out a little more specifics. Moving out at the beginning of the new year, renting a house, etc.

So, yeah.

 
Invaded? said:
The weekend away was, as per usual, just... blah.

We were at a spa on a mountain side with an amazing view. Went hiking. Went out to dinner.

But there was just nothing there. She didn't even try to push anything romantic/intimate.

A week or two ago, she was just continuing on our usual nightly routine and heading up to bed at 9 o'clock when I stopped her and said we needed to talk. I told her that there was nothing there on our weekend, that we were going nowhere, and that I thought we needed to talk about separating.

We talked/fought for a while and didn't really resolve a plan. Since then she just went back to normal ignore everything everyday life.

I'm actually planning on talking to her again tonight and laying out a little more specifics. Moving out at the beginning of the new year, renting a house, etc.

So, yeah.
Click to expand...
This is like watching Lost.

 
She has tried to make me feel very guilty about where I am emotionally. About not putting in the effort to fix things. She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.

 
Invaded? said:
She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.
Click to expand...
Don't let her get away with trying to regain/gain some sort of self righteous moral high ground so she can blame you for the failing relationship, etc.

I forget if you covered this...have you consulted an attorney, yet? Why are you moving out and vacating the home? I think you need to pump the brakes about what you are planning on sharing or laying out with her and get your ### to an attorney. Don't be an idiot. You have suffered through this bull#### for so long...why throw all that suffering away in the name of making an idiotic decision. Give yourself the best opportunity for success and future happiness. Go see a couple of lawyers for some free consults,...stat!

 
SIDA! said:
Invaded? said:
She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.
Click to expand...
Don't let her get away with trying to regain/gain some sort of self righteous moral high ground so she can blame you for the failing relationship, etc.

I forget if you covered this...have you consulted an attorney, yet? Why are you moving out and vacating the home? I think you need to pump the brakes about what you are planning on sharing or laying out with her and get your ### to an attorney. Don't be an idiot. You have suffered through this bull#### for so long...why throw all that suffering away in the name of making an idiotic decision. Give yourself the best opportunity for success and future happiness. Go see a couple of lawyers for some free consults,...stat!
Click to expand...
Why is the bolded important, if the relationship is done? IME, trying to convince the ex of something helps nothing other than setting you both up for continued arguments.

agree with the rest though.

 
Invaded? said:
She has tried to make me feel very guilty about where I am emotionally. About not putting in the effort to fix things. She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.
Click to expand...
The bold was expected. She miserable because of herself, not because of you. But she cannot own that so she must blame you. To her, it's your job to make her happy and you failed. She doesn't realize that her happiness must come from within.

Go be happy. And find someone who is happy. Life's too short to waste with someone miserable and blaming you for it.

 
El Floppo said:
SIDA! said:
Invaded? said:
She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.
Click to expand...
Don't let her get away with trying to regain/gain some sort of self righteous moral high ground so she can blame you for the failing relationship, etc.

I forget if you covered this...have you consulted an attorney, yet? Why are you moving out and vacating the home? I think you need to pump the brakes about what you are planning on sharing or laying out with her and get your ### to an attorney. Don't be an idiot. You have suffered through this bull#### for so long...why throw all that suffering away in the name of making an idiotic decision. Give yourself the best opportunity for success and future happiness. Go see a couple of lawyers for some free consults,...stat!
Click to expand...
Why is the bolded important, if the relationship is done? IME, trying to convince the ex of something helps nothing other than setting you both up for continued arguments.

agree with the rest though.
Click to expand...
In my personal opinion, as someone who went through a breakup, I think many men try to just move on and prepare for the next chapter without realizing that the way things end will influence that next chapter. A lot of guys think that once the relationship is over and they start from a clean slate that they can basically put all the stuff in the past in the rear view mirror.

Especially when kids are involved, I don't think it pays or plays any benefit to allow you the father to be mischaracterized or have history re-written by a spiteful woman. I am not saying that he should dump stuff on his kids...but do not kid yourself into believing that just because you allow the ex to think what they want to think in the name of moving on...that her attitude/perceptions will not carry over into more vindictive or passive/aggressive behavior. Many (all) women are ####### psychotic and will warp and twist things to fit their narrative that they have created...and their narrative never includes being accountable or owning their culpability in the failed relationship.

So, he exits stage right and thinks he is moving on.

She uses her delusional perception of reality to guide her actions. Oh, he was the one that left the relationship and breaking up this family, so I am going to make it hard for him on visitation. He did this, so I can be a vindictive &$%# and do this. Never mind any potential sabotaging she might do with painting the father as the selfish *******, or the one responsible for breaking up the family, etc.

If it were just the two of them without any kids and making a clean break, I would be less concerned or passionate about this point.

Just speaking from my personal experience where my ex and her warped brain tried to rewrite history repeatedly. But I welcome any counterpoints.

 
SIDA! said:
El Floppo said:
SIDA! said:
Invaded? said:
She's right, I'm not "trying" anymore. But I can't help how I feel at this point. Everything has led here. I've been realistic about where our relationship can go from here, and it's just not a place that will make me happy in the long run.
Click to expand...
Don't let her get away with trying to regain/gain some sort of self righteous moral high ground so she can blame you for the failing relationship, etc.

I forget if you covered this...have you consulted an attorney, yet? Why are you moving out and vacating the home? I think you need to pump the brakes about what you are planning on sharing or laying out with her and get your ### to an attorney. Don't be an idiot. You have suffered through this bull#### for so long...why throw all that suffering away in the name of making an idiotic decision. Give yourself the best opportunity for success and future happiness. Go see a couple of lawyers for some free consults,...stat!
Click to expand...
Why is the bolded important, if the relationship is done? IME, trying to convince the ex of something helps nothing other than setting you both up for continued arguments.

agree with the rest though.
Click to expand...
In my personal opinion, as someone who went through a breakup, I think many men try to just move on and prepare for the next chapter without realizing that the way things end will influence that next chapter. A lot of guys think that once the relationship is over and they start from a clean slate that they can basically put all the stuff in the past in the rear view mirror.

Especially when kids are involved, I don't think it pays or plays any benefit to allow you the father to be mischaracterized or have history re-written by a spiteful woman. I am not saying that he should dump stuff on his kids...but do not kid yourself into believing that just because you allow the ex to think what they want to think in the name of moving on...that her attitude/perceptions will not carry over into more vindictive or passive/aggressive behavior. Many (all) women are ####### psychotic and will warp and twist things to fit their narrative that they have created...and their narrative never includes being accountable or owning their culpability in the failed relationship.

So, he exits stage right and thinks he is moving on.

She uses her delusional perception of reality to guide her actions. Oh, he was the one that left the relationship and breaking up this family, so I am going to make it hard for him on visitation. He did this, so I can be a vindictive &$%# and do this. Never mind any potential sabotaging she might do with painting the father as the selfish *******, or the one responsible for breaking up the family, etc.

If it were just the two of them without any kids and making a clean break, I would be less concerned or passionate about this point.

Just speaking from my personal experience where my ex and her warped brain tried to rewrite history repeatedly. But I welcome any counterpoints.
Click to expand...
If her reality is indeed skewed due to her mental makeup, there's nothing he can do to convince her otherwise. She'll "get away with it" regardless.

Sadly, he likely will have to counter various attempts at parental alienation. Her triangulation of the kids into their issues is a struggle he'll more than likely have to deal with. Warped brains cannot be reasoned with.

 
General Malaise said:
Invaded? said:
The weekend away was, as per usual, just... blah.

We were at a spa on a mountain side with an amazing view. Went hiking. Went out to dinner.

But there was just nothing there. She didn't even try to push anything romantic/intimate.

A week or two ago, she was just continuing on our usual nightly routine and heading up to bed at 9 o'clock when I stopped her and said we needed to talk. I told her that there was nothing there on our weekend, that we were going nowhere, and that I thought we needed to talk about separating.

We talked/fought for a while and didn't really resolve a plan. Since then she just went back to normal ignore everything everyday life.

I'm actually planning on talking to her again tonight and laying out a little more specifics. Moving out at the beginning of the new year, renting a house, etc.

So, yeah.
Click to expand...
This is like watching Lost.
Click to expand...
Because it sucks?

Invaded, you're going to have to just be the bad guy to her if you're leaving. You're not going to get her to see it your way. Good luck.

 
Sabertooth said:
Sorry for the hijack.

Invaded? As I see it, you have four options:

1. Keep asking you wife to change (You cannot make her change if she's not motivated to change)

2. Improve yourself in hopes that she follows your lead and comes around. (Add some motivation for her to change. Maybe she'll realize she needs to up her game to keep you and you are the best she can get).

3. Tolerate the marriage until one of you dies.

4. Start hiding money.
Click to expand...
Which option are you leaning towards, now that another 5 month of misery have passed?

 
Sabertooth said:
Sabertooth said:
Sorry for the hijack.

Invaded? As I see it, you have four options:

1. Keep asking you wife to change (You cannot make her change if she's not motivated to change)

2. Improve yourself in hopes that she follows your lead and comes around. (Add some motivation for her to change. Maybe she'll realize she needs to up her game to keep you and you are the best she can get).

3. Tolerate the marriage until one of you dies.

4. Start hiding money.
Click to expand...
Which option are you leaning towards, now that another 5 month of misery have passed?
Click to expand...
He's said a bunch of times now that he's planning to end the marriage.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
General Malaise said:
Invaded? said:
The weekend away was, as per usual, just... blah.

We were at a spa on a mountain side with an amazing view. Went hiking. Went out to dinner.

But there was just nothing there. She didn't even try to push anything romantic/intimate.

A week or two ago, she was just continuing on our usual nightly routine and heading up to bed at 9 o'clock when I stopped her and said we needed to talk. I told her that there was nothing there on our weekend, that we were going nowhere, and that I thought we needed to talk about separating.

We talked/fought for a while and didn't really resolve a plan. Since then she just went back to normal ignore everything everyday life.

I'm actually planning on talking to her again tonight and laying out a little more specifics. Moving out at the beginning of the new year, renting a house, etc.

So, yeah.
Click to expand...
This is like watching Lost.
Click to expand...
Because it sucks? Invaded, you're going to have to just be the bad guy to her if you're leaving. You're not going to get her to see it your way. Good luck.
Click to expand...
No. Just seems to drag on without anything really happening.

 
General Malaise said:
No. Just seems to drag on without anything really happening.
Click to expand...
Yeah, you guys all have a different expectation from me about the speed this thing should move. He started the thread less than two and a half years ago saying that he really loved his wife, blah, blah, he just wants to try to fix the weight issue. It wasn't like he was ready to get divorced at that time, he still believed he could get that problem under control and spend his whole life with her happily.In two years he's come to a greater appreciation of all the issues in his marriage, he's had repeated discussions about them with his wife, he's (mostly) come to terms with the consequences of divorce, he's gone to a few marriage counseling sessions, and he's anticipating a separation in the next few months. To me that's actually not that slow at all, seems like he's come a long way.

I fully admit that I'm biased about this because I'm taking WAY longer than he is to get through the same steps.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
Sabertooth said:
Sabertooth said:
Sorry for the hijack.

Invaded? As I see it, you have four options:

1. Keep asking you wife to change (You cannot make her change if she's not motivated to change)

2. Improve yourself in hopes that she follows your lead and comes around. (Add some motivation for her to change. Maybe she'll realize she needs to up her game to keep you and you are the best she can get).

3. Tolerate the marriage until one of you dies.

4. Start hiding money.
Click to expand...
Which option are you leaning towards, now that another 5 month of misery have passed?
Click to expand...
He's said a bunch of times now that he's planning to end the marriage.
Click to expand...
I haven't kept up on the thread.

Wrighteous Ray said:
General Malaise said:
No. Just seems to drag on without anything really happening.
Click to expand...
Yeah, you guys all have a different expectation from me about the speed this thing should move. He started the thread less than two and a half years ago saying that he really loved his wife, blah, blah, he just wants to try to fix the weight issue. It wasn't like he was ready to get divorced at that time, he still believed he could get that problem under control and spend his whole life with her happily.In two years he's come to a greater appreciation of all the issues in his marriage, he's had repeated discussions about them with his wife, he's (mostly) come to terms with the consequences of divorce, he's gone to a few marriage counseling sessions, and he's anticipating a separation in the next few months. To me that's actually not that slow at all, seems like he's come a long way.

I fully admit that I'm biased about this because I'm taking WAY longer than he is to get through the same steps.
Click to expand...
Ok thanks for the update and I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. It can't be easy to process. I haven't gone through a divorce so I don't have any more advice to add.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
General Malaise said:
No. Just seems to drag on without anything really happening.
Click to expand...
Yeah, you guys all have a different expectation from me about the speed this thing should move. He started the thread less than two and a half years ago saying that he really loved his wife, blah, blah, he just wants to try to fix the weight issue. It wasn't like he was ready to get divorced at that time, he still believed he could get that problem under control and spend his whole life with her happily.In two years he's come to a greater appreciation of all the issues in his marriage, he's had repeated discussions about them with his wife, he's (mostly) come to terms with the consequences of divorce, he's gone to a few marriage counseling sessions, and he's anticipating a separation in the next few months. To me that's actually not that slow at all, seems like he's come a long way.

I fully admit that I'm biased about this because I'm taking WAY longer than he is to get through the same steps.
Click to expand...
You are far more connected to this than I am, but as a casual observer I note a pattern of he talks, she argues, they return to life as it is currently constructed with hopes of talking again down the line and forming a plan of action then. Two and a half years is the life of this thread but I'd guess issues in his marriage are much older than that. Not that that really matters, but that is a long time to go through the motions of an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Even the best of us couldn't hide that from kids forever, especially as they mature and wise up to their surroundings.

Either way, it is a delicate situation with no absolute answers and I'm sorry he's having to deal with it.

 
Two years to go on like this is a long time. What exactly are you waiting for? Do you even want to bang her? Do you?

 
General Malaise said:
You are far more connected to this than I am, but as a casual observer I note a pattern of he talks, she argues, they return to life as it is currently constructed with hopes of talking again down the line and forming a plan of action then. Two and a half years is the life of this thread but I'd guess issues in his marriage are much older than that. Not that that really matters, but that is a long time to go through the motions of an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Even the best of us couldn't hide that from kids forever, especially as they mature and wise up to their surroundings.

Either way, it is a delicate situation with no absolute answers and I'm sorry he's having to deal with it.
Click to expand...
I don't disagree with anything you're saying. I think you and others had pretty combustible marriages, so the pattern you describe wouldn't happen. But his marriage seems a lot like mine. Just general unhappiness, but not a lot of really emotional fights. They're both far more focused on the kids than each other. I have certainly said some stuff to my wife that probably would create a major blowup in a lot of marriages but barely a ripple in ours. We just go back to normal life the next day. There's too much shuffling the kids to soccer practice and music lessons, etc., to let something like "I am not attracted to you at all" get in the way. Yes, I realize this sounds totally insane to many of you.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
General Malaise said:
You are far more connected to this than I am, but as a casual observer I note a pattern of he talks, she argues, they return to life as it is currently constructed with hopes of talking again down the line and forming a plan of action then. Two and a half years is the life of this thread but I'd guess issues in his marriage are much older than that. Not that that really matters, but that is a long time to go through the motions of an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Even the best of us couldn't hide that from kids forever, especially as they mature and wise up to their surroundings.

Either way, it is a delicate situation with no absolute answers and I'm sorry he's having to deal with it.
Click to expand...
I don't disagree with anything you're saying. I think you and others had pretty combustible marriages, so the pattern you describe wouldn't happen. But his marriage seems a lot like mine. Just general unhappiness, but not a lot of really emotional fights. They're both far more focused on the kids than each other. I have certainly said some stuff to my wife that probably would create a major blowup in a lot of marriages but barely a ripple in ours. We just go back to normal life the next day. There's too much shuffling the kids to soccer practice and music lessons, etc., to let something like "I am not attracted to you at all" get in the way. Yes, I realize this sounds totally insane to many of you.
Click to expand...
It doesn't. I would assume many marriages in America continues to last as long as they do because of this daily kids dynamic.

 
We haven't had sex in over a year.

Talking to a lawyer has been on my priority list for what seems like months. I've been working a ton of hours and haven't had time to deal with that part of it, so nothing has happened.

I've gotten myself through the days and weeks and months by just living my own life outside of her. I pretty much just tell her what I'm going to do and then I do it. Going out with friends at night, playing golf, whatever. I spend time with the kids when I can. Coach soccer. When I'm home it is business. She goes up to bed after we get the kids to sleep, and I stay downstairs and watch TV or whatever.

Yeah, thrilling update.

 
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