Need help with delicate situate involving daughter and depressed friend (1 Viewer)

[boots11234]

My daughter is friends with this girl.  They are both 16.  Our two families are close and we speak quite a bit.  Their daughter K has had difficulties with mental health the last couple of years.  Me and my daughter are very close.     She tells me everything going on in her life and with her friends. K's parents know this.  Recently K tried killing herself by OD'ing.  She was admitted in the hospital and is now home seeing therapist's etc.  I spoke to K's parents and told them if there was anything my daughter told me about K that I felt they should know I would tell them with the understanding that they would not let K know how they found out.  The types of things i've shared in the past is how she was feeling, what she is doing at school etc.  K's mom understands that if this would ever get back to my daughter it would likely damage our relationship as well as dry up any helpful info i am able to pass to them regarding their daughter.

Well my daughter told me a bombshell last night.  She told me that a third friend I'll call E (who also has mental issues) and K were talking.  K told E that she was going to kill herself and how she was going to do it.  E apparently told K to "go ahead and do it or figure out another way to do it"!!  Truly awful.  My daughter said "How could someone do that?"  

My question is:  Do I tell K's parents this?  In the past they have been careful about the things i've told them about their daughter but if I were them I'd want to strangle E!!   At the very least I would tell my daughter not to hang out with E anymore.   I'm worried this certainly would get back to my daughter who specifically told me not to tell anyone.  Ugh.  What should I do?   

 

[Zerp]

You talk with K's parents.  And you never agree anytime your daughter says 'I want to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone'. 

 

[Ramblin Wreck]

Can you tell a counselor or the someone at their school and let them address it?  Would they keep it confidential?

You gotta tell someone though as the adult even if it is the other parents.  There was a middle school girl that killed herself last fall in my town.  I didn't know her at all but apparently she was transgender and bullied a lot.  It's gut wrenching driving by the spot where a memorial was setup.  Not trying to be dramatic but you never know who's life you might save or if there are even other kids involved.

 

[whoknew]

I don't know anything about kids but I think you have to say something. Its too important and risky not to. 

 

[JohnnyU]

I believe "E" could go to jail saying "go ahead and do it or figure out another way to do it"!!".

 

[[scooter]]

Call K's parents, call E's parents, call the school, and get your daughter away from K and E.

 

[RUSF18]

You sit your daughter down and explain how you understand why she is worried about “who told“ getting back to her, but then ask her “how would you feel if K killed herself and you and I did nothing about this blaring warning sign? What is more important?”

When K hopefully gets the help she needs, she’ll understand why your daughter did what she did. 

 

[stbugs]

You talk with K's parents.  And you never agree anytime your daughter says 'I want to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone'. 

Call K's parents, call E's parents, call the school, and get your daughter away from K and E.

Agree with both. A girl is going to try and ekill herself again and you’re hesitating? Maybe E has been the problem all along. Your daughter would understand and maybe you preemptively tell her that you have to tell the parents and why. I also wouldn’t want my daughter around K or E. Hard to be mad at K because of her issues (E just sounds like bad news period), but that’s not what you want your daughter around.

 

[RUSF18]

Your answer to this is also pretty simple if you put yourself in the position of K’s parents and what you would want their daughter’s friend’s dad to do. 

 

[RUSF18]

I’m pretty much hippling at this point but I think there’s a lot of potential gray area when it comes to what kids say, what they really mean, etc and when someone should step in for almost all  situations. But when an attempt has already been made, that’s where it becomes black and white. 

 

[ChiefD]

To me, when it comes to suicide all bets are off when it comes to telling the appropriate parties.

This is one that you simply can't sit on. In your case, I think a conversation with your daughter would be respectful to her before you talk to the respective parents. Something along the lines of:

"I have to talk to the parents of E and K about this. I take suicide very seriously, and as a parent of you I would want to know if you were having these thoughts."

 

[eoMMan]

get your daughter away from K and E.

Yup, this.  They have issues and I wouldn't want my daughter around that.  16 is a very fragile age.

 

[Tool]

Think you have to talk to your daughter and explain that neither you nor she would be able to live with yourselves if this girl kills herself and you could have possibly prevented it, and that you have to say something.

 

[boots11234]

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. About an hour after posting I called K‘s parents and went over and told them.  They were very appreciative and actually said that K told them a similar story.   I knew I had to go over there but it was good to find the support here. Me and my daughters relationship is obviously important to me but I would be devastated if I didn’t say anything and something happened.   

I asked that if they discussed this with their daughter I would prefer if they didn’t mention mine but also said that I was fine and understood if they did.  
 

I honestly don’t understand mental health very well as I’ve never suffered or had someone close to me suffer from it but I can imagine it is an awful affliction.  K is a really wonderful girl who I pray makes it through this. I told them that I will always tell them anything I feel they should know when my daughter speaks to me about her. 
 

thanks again for reaffirming what I knew was the correct decision from the start. 
 

 

[mr. furley]

knowing nothing more about "E" than what was said here, i'd guess she's a pretty terrible person and your daughter should steer clear of her at all costs.

who the #### says something like that to a "friend"?  not a friend. a piece of #### says that. that's who.

this "E" deserves a good old HS style ### kicking. to suggest someone kill themselves and find different ways if unsuccessful is beyond the pale. he/she deserves to get their face punched several times.

 

[Ramblin Wreck]

knowing nothing more about "E" than what was said here, i'd guess she's a pretty terrible person and your daughter should steer clear of her at all costs.

who the #### says something like that to a "friend"?  not a friend. a piece of #### says that. that's who.

this "E" deserves a good old HS style ### kicking. to suggest someone kill themselves and find different ways if unsuccessful is beyond the pale. he/she deserves to get their face punched several times.

Or a hormoned up teenager with mental health issues.  You never know but much better to find the girl some help instead of calling her a piece of ####.  My 2 cents.

 

[Jayrok]

16 year old kids do not have the benefit of seeing the big picture. They sometimes think the life they're living now will be their life forever.  Social pressures were always tough enough in school settings but even more so in these times of social media.  One of the banes of our society imo.  

I believe you did the right thing by talking to the parents.  Kids involved may get upset about it, but if it helps the friend to get help it is all worth it.  Her life hasn't fully begun and it's tragic to think she believes that she has no other way out of whatever situations that are causing her depression.

Hopefully her attempt was a cry for help as opposed to her really wanting to die.  In any case, best of luck to all involved.

 

[Foosball God]

My daughter is friends with this girl.  They are both 16.  Our two families are close and we speak quite a bit.  Their daughter K has had difficulties with mental health the last couple of years.  Me and my daughter are very close.     She tells me everything going on in her life and with her friends. K's parents know this.  Recently K tried killing herself by OD'ing.  She was admitted in the hospital and is now home seeing therapist's etc.  I spoke to K's parents and told them if there was anything my daughter told me about K that I felt they should know I would tell them with the understanding that they would not let K know how they found out.  The types of things i've shared in the past is how she was feeling, what she is doing at school etc.  K's mom understands that if this would ever get back to my daughter it would likely damage our relationship as well as dry up any helpful info i am able to pass to them regarding their daughter.

Well my daughter told me a bombshell last night.  She told me that a third friend I'll call E (who also has mental issues) and K were talking.  K told E that she was going to kill herself and how she was going to do it.  E apparently told K to "go ahead and do it or figure out another way to do it"!!  Truly awful.  My daughter said "How could someone do that?"  

My question is:  Do I tell K's parents this?  In the past they have been careful about the things i've told them about their daughter but if I were them I'd want to strangle E!!   At the very least I would tell my daughter not to hang out with E anymore.   I'm worried this certainly would get back to my daughter who specifically told me not to tell anyone.  Ugh.  What should I do?   

You need to talk to your daughter about the importance of what is happening.  Ask her how she would feel if K actually did it and that you both did nothing to help her.  Depression is a disease, people with it need extra help.  Tell them you think that K's parents need to know and that you can help.  Was the conversation between K and E in person or via text?  If the latter then you could also potentially tip off the parents and have them "find out" that way but I think you should talk to your daughter and convince her how important this is.

 

[Foosball God]

Call K's parents, call E's parents, call the school, and get your daughter away from K and E.

E I can agree with.  Getting his daughter away from K isn't necessarily the best idea.  My daughter who is 15 has been going through something similar with one of her best friends.  There is no E in my daughter's case, but being there as a friend and sounding board has been very important.  My daughter is also much more attuned now and is actually tailoring her Girl Scout Gold Award project around suicide awareness especially in middle school and high school.  I get the desire to protect your daughter from the pain a suicide would bring, but imo it wouldn't be as easy to just cut out K from your daughter's life anyway.

 

[Jaysus]

Something similar to what "E" is doing happened to friends of our family recently.  Our "K" was successful in her attempt... it breaks me up even writing this now

E is the worst type of person.  Find a way to keep your daughter away from her. 

 

[mr. furley]

Or a hormoned up teenager with mental health issues.  You never know but much better to find the girl some help instead of calling her a piece of ####.  My 2 cents.

that's fair 

 

[modogg]

My daughter is friends with this girl.  They are both 16.  Our two families are close and we speak quite a bit.  Their daughter K has had difficulties with mental health the last couple of years.  Me and my daughter are very close.     She tells me everything going on in her life and with her friends. K's parents know this.  Recently K tried killing herself by OD'ing.  She was admitted in the hospital and is now home seeing therapist's etc.  I spoke to K's parents and told them if there was anything my daughter told me about K that I felt they should know I would tell them with the understanding that they would not let K know how they found out.  The types of things i've shared in the past is how she was feeling, what she is doing at school etc.  K's mom understands that if this would ever get back to my daughter it would likely damage our relationship as well as dry up any helpful info i am able to pass to them regarding their daughter.

Well my daughter told me a bombshell last night.  She told me that a third friend I'll call E (who also has mental issues) and K were talking.  K told E that she was going to kill herself and how she was going to do it.  E apparently told K to "go ahead and do it or figure out another way to do it"!!  Truly awful.  My daughter said "How could someone do that?"  

My question is:  Do I tell K's parents this?  In the past they have been careful about the things i've told them about their daughter but if I were them I'd want to strangle E!!   At the very least I would tell my daughter not to hang out with E anymore.   I'm worried this certainly would get back to my daughter who specifically told me not to tell anyone.  Ugh.  What should I do?   

tell K's therapist. therapist can decide if parents should be informed, and how they should be informed.

 

[Hawks64]

tell K's therapist. therapist can decide if parents should be informed, and how they should be informed.

Totally disagree, OP did the right thing. If someone has a plan then it's fairly imminent, so you act quickly.

 

[modogg]

Totally disagree, OP did the right thing. If someone has a plan then it's fairly imminent, so you act quickly.

ehh, maybe. could also cause more issues in the future if you focus on pushing the kids away from "E" depending on their relationship and history with "E". the law in most states is that a child over 14 has their mental health rights, and the 14+ year olds have the right to not share their information with their family

 

[Kal El]

Never keep this to yourself. We have a responsibility to try and keep our kids safe, even if it's from themselves on occasion.

 

[CurlyNight]

You sit your daughter down and explain how you understand why she is worried about “who told“ getting back to her, but then ask her “how would you feel if K killed herself and you and I did nothing about this blaring warning sign? What is more important?”

When K hopefully gets the help she needs, she’ll understand why your daughter did what she did. 

That's what I was going to say. You're close to your daughter so partner up with her. Doing it without telling her will hurt your relationship. 

 

[DA RAIDERS]

my daughter had a similar situation occur.  she walked her bad ### self, into the counselors office at school, and told the counselor what was going on.  completely unprompted, she just thought it was the right thing to do.  could not be prouder of that kid.

so, have your daughter tell the parents, or a school counselor.  the counselor is supposed to keep it anonymous.  if that's too much, you tell the parents.  the info must be shared in some way.

 

[[scooter]]

Call K's parents, call E's parents, call the school, and get your daughter away from K and E.

E I can agree with.  Getting his daughter away from K isn't necessarily the best idea. 

I get what you're saying. I realize that K is vulnerable and not necessarily a bad influence in the way that E is. But I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of boots and his daughter and what's best for them. He needs to protect his daughter from any possible negative influence that E *or* K might have.

Also, if he allows his daughter to hang out with K, how will he be able to prevent K from inviting E to join them?

 

[Foosball God]

I get what you're saying. I realize that K is vulnerable and not necessarily a bad influence in the way that E is. But I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of boots and his daughter and what's best for them. He needs to protect his daughter from any possible negative influence that E *or* K might have.

Also, if he allows his daughter to hang out with K, how will he be able to prevent K from inviting E to join them?

Depends on the friendship I guess, but if it were my daughter then I'd be telling her that she needs to be an advocate for K if she wants to continue that friendship.  E isn't a good person to be around.  If K disagrees then there is a decision to make on continuing the friendship.  But it usually isn't just as easy as that.

 

[Hawks64]

ehh, maybe. could also cause more issues in the future if you focus on pushing the kids away from "E" depending on their relationship and history with "E". the law in most states is that a child over 14 has their mental health rights, and the 14+ year olds have the right to not share their information with their family

Except that this isn’t dealing with a health care professional. This is a kid who has stated they have a plan. That’s the last step before following through with a suicide attempt. I didn’t say focus on anything other than the plan and talking to the parents about it.