The following story is true...The names have not been changed to protect the innocent...So y'all may remember my friend Lance, the 30 year old virgin...Well two years ago on New Years Eve we were at a huge house party, one of those friend of a friend of a friend sort of things...So Lance is chatting with this cute girl, and about 1 AM he comes up to my friend Mike and I and tells us that they're leaving, heading back to his and Mike's apartment...We give him the "Dude, you're finally getting laid" knowing nod, and I drop the whole Swingers "’Cause you’re growns up and you’re growns up and you’re growns up'" line on him as Mike promises he won't be back for a while, so he'll have plenty of time to work his magic...Lance leaves, and Mike and I continue partying...The next day I swing by their apartment to watch some college football, and I am treated to this amazing story:So Lance and the girl (who is from Tennessee and is leaving to go back home the next morning -- PERFECT!!) grab a cab and head back to Lance's place...There's some making out and such in the cab. nothing too crazy...They get back to Lance's room (amazingly he neither tries to take her to dinner nor watch Saw at this point), and they start going at it a bit more...Lance gets her to undress (OMG A NAKED GIRL ON HIS BED!!!!!1), and he promptly begins "eating at the Y"...Now Lance isn't the neatest fellow, and I've seen him eat spaghetti, so I can't even imagine what this scene looked like (nor do I really want to, for that matter)...After a bit, he asks her to reciprocate, which she refuses to do (#####!)...So they are hooking up some more, and she is really tormented about whether or not she's going to sleep with Lance or not, going through the whole "No I shouldn't, yes I will" routine...Finally, she looks at him and says, "OK, lets do it"I can only imagine Lance's brain was looking like this at this point:

"You have a condom, right?"Now I picture Lance more like this:

He says, "I'll be right back," and runs into Mike's room, looking for a condom...Now Mike is a bit of a lothario, so he practically has a condom dispenser on his wall...But amazingly enough, Lance cannot find one...He runs back into the room and asks her, "If I run out to get condoms, will you wait here for me?"She gives it a moment's hesitation and agrees...So Lance throws on some clothes and runs downstairs...Lance lives in Midtown Manhattan, and there is a deli on his corner, but he is both embarassed to buy condoms at the place where he gets his newspaper every day (rookie) and, being a bit of a cheapskate, he figures he can get a better deal at the Duane Reade three blocks away...Not the most athletic or graceful of folk, he nevertheless runs down the three blocks to the 24 hour Duane Reade, only to find that, being New Years Morning at 2 AM, it is closed...So he has to come back to the corner deli after all...Now every deli in NYC has condoms behind the counter, but Lance, inexperienced in these things and still embarassed, decides to wander the store looking for them...After walking around the entire store, he finally approaches the counter and asks for condoms, and now his prophylactic quest is complete!He runs back around to his apartment, takes the elevator upstairs, opens the door to his apartment...Only to find the girl pulling on her jacket and getting ready to leave... :( "I'm sorry," she says, "but my friends called, and I have to leave in a few hours, and I need to get back to my hotel, so I'm going to go."Lance walks her downstairs and flags down a cab...She gets into the cab, awkwardly gives him a peck on the cheek, and then gets in...She lowers the window and asks him one question:"Are you gay?"

"What? No! Why would you ask that? I'm not gay!"But by then the cab had taken off down the street...Lance

back to his apartment, gos into his room, and realizes that, as usual, he had left a ton of magazines and newspapers scattered around his room, but that the magazine sitting on the nightstand right next to the bed was a New York magazine opened to an article entitled "AIDS still a problem in NYC gay community"

You can't make this stuff up...