One liners (3 Viewers)

[Joe Bryant]

These can be fun. Please let's skip the Special Olympics kids jokes though.

 

[nirad3]

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”

I was in a band in high school / college called "For Rent". Born of the "for rent" sign that we found in the lead singer's garage and taped to the kick drum. We thought "hey, free advertising all over town" and we always planned to just buy a bunch of "for rent" signs to post.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”

 

[Ilov80s]

"You can bring a horticulture but you can't make her drink."
- Dorothy Parker

Good call on Dorothy Parker, she has a lot of great ones.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The only -ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

 

[Gally]

I was in a band in high school

Did you try real hard?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

"You can bring a horticulture but you can't make her drink."
- Dorothy Parker

Good call on Dorothy Parker, she has a lot of great ones.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The only -ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

One liners​

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target. Long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend."
-- Paula Poundstone

 

[Dennis Castro]

Another Deep Thought:

Instead of a seeing eye dog, how about a gun? It’s cheaper than a dog and if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of your way.

 

[brun]

It's bad luck to superstitious.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?
- Mitch Hedberg

 

[Snoopy]

It's bad luck to superstitious.

I can thank my lucky stars I am not superstitious.

 

[Snoopy]

Is the s or c silent in science?

 

[John Maddens Lunchbox]

Gary Delaney

“I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’. “

“50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.”

“I’ve just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them. “

“Apparently ‘Dance like no one is watching’ doesn’t mean ‘With your **** out’”

“My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

 

[Leroy Hoard]

One last Steven Wright: "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

 

[Leroy Hoard]

George Carlin hasn't been represented yet.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I can make birds levitate, but no one cares.
-Stephen Wright

 

[fatness]

I've been taking something for my kleptomania.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

"I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
– Sarah Millican

 

[Major]

You could probably have two divisions: Steven Wright and "Everyone else" for this. He's so good.

Hedberg would go 1.1 in my draft

 

[Joe Bryant]

You could probably have two divisions: Steven Wright and "Everyone else" for this. He's so good.

Hedberg would go 1.1 in my draft

That’s why they play the game.

 

[Major]

Patrice Oneal was so underrated especially for all the wisdom he dropped on relationships. RIP big fella

"Men want to be alone but they don't want to be by themselves."

"The best relationship in the world is when the woman loves you and the man just likes her"

 

[WDIK2]

It's bad luck to superstitious.

I can thank my lucky stars I am not superstitious.

I'm just slightly stitious.

 

[Ilov80s]

Oscar Wilde is of course another legend in this realm

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

Did you know that it was exactly one year ago today?

 

[Major]

Oscar Wilde is of course another legend in this realm

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You could go for days posting Wilde quotes:

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction

 

[Joe Bryant]

"The best relationship in the world is when the woman loves you and the man just likes her"

I'm not sure I'd call that wisdom.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

I regularly use punchlines from Mitch Hedberg as non-sequitur punchlines. Alone they don't mean much, but they make me laugh.

"Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck"
"Saved by the buoyancy of citrus"
"Sorry for the convenience"

 

[Gally]

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-Steven Wright

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Those who can't do, teach
Those who can't teach, teach gym

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Wherever you go, well, there you are.

 

[Statorama]

Get yo 5 dollar *** out of here before I decide to make change

- Nino Brown

 

[Statorama]

It's bad luck to superstitious.

I can thank my lucky stars I am not superstitious.

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

- Michael Scott

 

[B Maverick]

Tequila may not fix your life, but its worth a shot

 

[Manster]

No idea who said it, but......20 bucks is 20 bucks

Also..

The dishes are done man!
-the kid from don't tell Mom the babysitters dead

 

[Bracie Smathers]

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

A trampoline used to be called a jumpoline until your mom jumped on one in '72.

 

[Bracie Smathers]

I finally got around to reading the dictionary, turns out the zebra did it.
-Stephen wright