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One liners (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Bracie Smathers
- Start date
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
You could probably have two divisions: Steven Wright and "Everyone else" for this. He's so good.
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
– Unknown
– Unknown
Cowboysfan8
Footballguy
Baseball is 90 percent mental, the other half is physical - Yogi Berra
Parrothead
Footballguy
"Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time"- SW
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
“I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…”
– Sarah Silverman
– Sarah Silverman
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Don't ever think you're completely useless, you can always be used as a bad example.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
RD: When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
"My hotel's towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase"
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
“Put a bet on the Paralympics the other day; try telling the bookies that they’re all winners.”
-- Ricky Gervais
-- Ricky Gervais
John Maddens Lunchbox
Socialism for Dummies
Jack Handey
Don Quixote
Footballguy
I could poop a better shirt than that.
- Hosstetler
- Hosstetler
John Maddens Lunchbox
Socialism for Dummies
More Jack Handey
“If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that’s what he’s getting.”
“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.”
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man”
“'Why do the crows keep calling my name?', thought Caw”
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea"
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
“If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that’s what he’s getting.”
“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.”
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man”
“'Why do the crows keep calling my name?', thought Caw”
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea"
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
John Maddens Lunchbox
Socialism for Dummies
Mitch Hedberg
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”
“I can read minds. But it's pointless because I'm illiterate.”
“ I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too”
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”
“I can read minds. But it's pointless because I'm illiterate.”
“ I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too”
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
A baby seal walks into a club...
bigbottom
Footballguy
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
~ Jack Handey
mr. furley
Footballguy
Terminalxylem
Footballguy
Snoopy
Footballguy
I remember an incident where the broken escalator was going too fast to be safe.
Snoopy
Footballguy
Read my lips - George H W Bush
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
-- Mitch Hedberg
-- Mitch Hedberg
northern exposure
Footballguy
More Mitch Hedberg:
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
jhib
Footballguy
“Nobody ever goes there anymore — it’s too crowded.”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
One of my favorites.
John Maddens Lunchbox
Socialism for Dummies
Stewart Francis
“Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.“
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”
“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”
“I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.”
“Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.“
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”
“My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”
“I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.”
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Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
My date was upset I didn't open her car door for her, but I was busy swimming to the surface.
- Emo Phillips
- Emo Phillips
northern exposure
Footballguy
His name wasn't familiar. When I Googled him I realized I've seen him many times on BBC shows.
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read - Mitch Hedberg
“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.”
Was just going to mention this guy. He's awesome
https://youtu.be/Cx8WJMuCmSY?t=198
"One teacher used to say I wasn't very observant, but you know what? That was his or her opinion"
Mister CIA
Footballguy
How can a door be a jar?
El Floppo
Footballguy
Paging mop
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
"You can bring a horticulture but you can't make her drink."
- Dorothy Parker
- Dorothy Parker
John Maddens Lunchbox
Socialism for Dummies
Milton Jones
“Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.”
“My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.”
“Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”
“‘As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.’”
“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
“Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.”
“My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.”
“Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”
“‘As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.’”
“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
SW: ‘If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments"
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
SW: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
