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Preparing for/Dealing with the loss of a child (1 Viewer)

Woz, the world needs more people like you and your wife. Taking in a child and providing care and love knowing that there would be issues with health as well and not knowing the end game is extraordinary.

I'm sorry for the feelings that you and your wife must be going through. Despite not wanting to give your whole hearts I'm sure that's happened. It's unavoidable making that connection after two years together. Much love and sympathy to what you've given to that child and your loss.

 
Wow, that's rough. Good luck man. Keep looking at the silver lining. You and your wife did a great thing and the world needs more good people like you.

 
Sorry for your family's loss, and the emotional trauma you will suffer because of it.  I hope that better times are ahead for all of you.  I also hope it brings you peace to know that the love you have for this child is extraordinary, and that you and your wife's selfless act in caring for this child represents the best part of humanity.

 
Johnny Rock said:
What an incredible gift you have given this boy, your son! And what a gift he has given you. The love has changed his life and both of yours, forever. You'll always have that. 

It's a tremendously unselfish thing you did. Be grateful. Continue to be vulnerable. You're doing life right. Keep doing it. Love you GB. 
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:goodposting:   I could not put it any more perfectly.

 
Damn.  So sorry to hear you're having to go through this, man. 

My niece and her husband foster children on a regular basis, and I have no idea how they do it.  The one thing they consistently tell us is that the positive impacts they have on the lives of these children and the things they take away from the experiences vastly outweigh the emotional baggage that is sometimes so tough to handle. Especially in some of the circumstances these kids have to return to.

I know this isn't the same.  You thought you had something more permanent.  But hopefully you can find those positives and know that you helped another person become who they were meant to be.  And not only they, but you can become stronger and better for it.  I don't know why you wouldn't keep pictures.  He's been an important part of your lives whether he continues to physically be there or not.  I think it's OK to embrace that and appreciate the memories you'll always have while you grieve what is, essentially, the loss of a child. 

Escapes are good.  For both of you.  You have to take care of yourselves AND support each other.  Tell family things didn't work out.  That you're sad about it, but you did everything you could do.  They're family.  They'll support you.  And probably judge a little.  It's what it is.  But the two of you are what matters.  Take care of each other. 

I'm sure it will get harder as you get closer to that October date.  If you need an escape and the ear of anonymous internet guy as it gets here, drop me a PM.  I'd be glad to grab a beer with you.

 
Otis said:
Obviously don't know the circumstances, but it makes me mad that a bio mom would come back a couple years later with "JK I'll take him."
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Not entirely that simple, but she definitely got a nice second chance with how the case became procedurally delayed. To her credit she took advantage. 

 
Henry Ford said:
I'm so sorry.

I've typed a dozen different replies to this and erased them all.  I'm just sorry. 
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Got a got-punching story to tell in the lawyer thread about it too when I get around to it. The gist is that five years ago I helped create precedent which kills the legal argument my wife and I may have had to seek private severance. 

 
Oh, and today is day one of four of just me and the kids. So far only one has temporarily gotten ahold of a sharp object. 

 
Zow, I did the same thing as HF... written a couple of replies, and realized it wasn't the right thing to say. I guess there's no perfect words.

you and your wife have done a great thing. I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking. I wish you all the best.

 
Zow said:
Got a got-punching story to tell in the lawyer thread about it too when I get around to it. The gist is that five years ago I helped create precedent which kills the legal argument my wife and I may have had to seek private severance. 
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If you hadn't, someone else would have.  And it would have been worse if you'd taken the full court route and gotten hit after a year of litigation, thinking you had the proper position. 

 
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Zow said:
Not entirely that simple, but she definitely got a nice second chance with how the case became procedurally delayed. To her credit she took advantage. 
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Take solace in the fact that you not only positively impacted a child's life but quite possibly helped another person improve their own live to to the point where they can now take responsibility for both their life and their child's life. I've said it a few times recently but watching your progress through life has been pretty cool, from a kid that I didn't take seriously to a man that I respect. I'm sorry you and your wife have to go through this but don't lose sight of the positive impact you have had on other people's lives.

 
Henry Ford said:
If you hadn't, someone else would have.  And it would have been worse if you'd taken the full court route and gotten hit after a year of litigation, thinking you had the proper position. 
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Yeah for sure. And as much as I hate to say it it's still the right ruling. Just sucks when you played a real role in creating the precedent that kills the chance you may have at getting your own kid permanently. 

We actually had an avenue to intervene in the court case nearly a year ago. Chose not to. That's something I'll have to live with. Figure I'll just blame it on my lawyer. 

 
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Zow said:
Yeah for sure. And as much as I hate to say it it's still the right ruling. Just sucks when you played a real role in creating the precedent that kills the chance you may have at getting your own kid permanently. 

We actually had an avenue to intervene in the court case nearly a year ago. Chose not to. That's something I'll have to live with. Figure I'll just blame it on my lawyer. 
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I have been involved in a case of parental rights in a different state. The case, appeals, etc. took three years. And when it was over, someone said goodbye then, and that was significantly worse than it would have been three years earlier - but the kid is the one who truly suffered for years. 

Not intervening was a gift to your son - and he will always be your son - that you didn't even realize you were giving. 

And stay in touch with the social worker.  A parent or two has been known to screw up after "getting it together."

 
I don't have children, partially because of personal issues my wife and I have dealt with and partially because of institutional issues with adoption agencies, and partially because it's not the best fit for me. 

But I have had some kids pop in and out of my life.  If you want it; you will see this kid again.  AZ just isn't that big.  And you'll still be a good model for him. 

 
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This story sucks, and I am sorry.

I know a family whose journey, at least at the 5000 foot level is very similar to yours. I am glossing over a lot of details here, but when the mother came back into the picture, they were able to work it out, somehow, to stay close to the mother. In the end they, took her under their wing too. Their son sorta morphed into a grandson. We'd run into at school events at such. Their older foster son is roughly the same age as my older two, so we had periodic chances to catch up. Each time w'd see them, it seemed like a new chapter had been written in a long and tear jerking story. It started similar to yours. In the end it was even more beautiful than it ever seemed possible at the start. I think Modogg has the right of it. There is still good to be had, hope isn't dead.  It won't be easy and the road will be long, but your final chapter isn't written yet. Don't give up.

And kudos to you for going this route. Says a lot about you and your wife.

 
I'm very sorry to hear about this Woz.  To be honest, I can't really wrap my mind around being in a situation like yours.  Terrible.

 
IrishTwinkie said:
This story sucks, and I am sorry.

I know a family whose journey, at least at the 5000 foot level is very similar to yours. I am glossing over a lot of details here, but when the mother came back into the picture, they were able to work it out, somehow, to stay close to the mother. In the end they, took her under their wing too. Their son sorta morphed into a grandson. We'd run into at school events at such. Their older foster son is roughly the same age as my older two, so we had periodic chances to catch up. Each time w'd see them, it seemed like a new chapter had been written in a long and tear jerking story. It started similar to yours. In the end it was even more beautiful than it ever seemed possible at the start. I think Modogg has the right of it. There is still good to be had, hope isn't dead.  It won't be easy and the road will be long, but your final chapter isn't written yet. Don't give up.

And kudos to you for going this route. Says a lot about you and your wife.
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I like hearing stories like this. We are really hoping for something similar here (although we are younger than bio mom so the grandparent thought is a bit funny). Our relationship with bio mom has really improved, but I don't know if she will be open to consistent contact with us. I don't get that from her personality. 

What may change that is that when our son goes home, going along with him is the money that the state gives us for his care that we never felt right using. So she should really like us, at least momentarily. 

 
I am sorry to read this and can't imagine how difficult this has to be. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you and your wife have selflessly made an enormous positive impact on the life of another. Society needs more people like both of you.

 
Zow said:
I like hearing stories like this. We are really hoping for something similar here (although we are younger than bio mom so the grandparent thought is a bit funny). Our relationship with bio mom has really improved, but I don't know if she will be open to consistent contact with us. I don't get that from her personality. 

What may change that is that when our son goes home, going along with him is the money that the state gives us for his care that we never felt right using. So she should really like us, at least momentarily. 
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Start of a college fund?

 
Zow said:
One can hope. Honestly if it goes diapers, food, clothes, etc we'd be stoked. 
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I was thinking you could start a college fund with that money, potentially use that as a way to stay involved over the coming years

 
msommer said:
I was thinking you could start a college fund with that money, potentially use that as a way to stay involved over the coming years
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There's probably a few issues with this. But it's something to discuss. 

 
Zow - I know it is of little consolation as you grieve your loss, but know that you have given this child the best possible chance at a healthy and successful future.  That is a gift beyond measure. The world needs more people like you. 

 
Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 

 
Zow said:
Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 
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Congratulations.  This is his biological sister, correct?

 
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Henry Ford said:
Congratulations.  This is his biological sister, correct?
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No. Completely unrelated. Our daughter was placed with us in the early spring of 2016.  We got our foster son after he got out of the hospital in October 2015. 

The reference to our foster son's biological sister was that the state, back in November 2016, asked us to adopt her too (and then changed their minds a month later with no explanation - although I have my educated guesses).  She was placed elsewhere.  Long, confusing story. 

 
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Somehow I missed all this.

You and your wife are damn good people.   I can't imagine what you two are going through.  

Glad to hear about the little girl though. :thumbup:  

 
Best of luck. It's terrible, because the option that keeps the child with you means that someone else failed to be a mother.

My sister-in-law adopted the child of a woman who had killed her other children and became pregnant (from another inmate) while incarcerated.

Took 6 years to terminate the parental rights.

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
Damn. But you will still ask the bio mom about taking your son with you on the trip, I hope? 

And congrats on the daughter news. 
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We decided not to as that puts her is an unfair position.  She's never spent a night with her son.  Can't imagine her wanting to give that up for any reason, let alone possibly feeling guilted into it by the people she likely views as unwanted babysitters that shouldn't have had him in the first place. 

 
Zow said:
We decided not to as that puts her is an unfair position.  She's never spent a night with her son.  Can't imagine her wanting to give that up for any reason, let alone possibly feeling guilted into it by the people she likely views as unwanted babysitters that shouldn't have had him in the first place. 
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Yeah, understandable. Gutwrenching but respectable decision. 

 
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