Henry Ford
Footballguy
(Incidentally, this is why crazy women are good in bed)
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums
Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.
Preparing for/Dealing with the loss of a child (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Zow
- Start date
ChiefD
Footballguy
Gawain
Footballguy
Well, this woman was treated with at least one, which led her to have the kid my sister-in-law adopted.
I can't imagine that pillow talk.
"What you in for?"
"Killing my kids"
Cool, want to make another?"
El Floppo
Footballguy
ProstheticRGK
Footballguy
Youre a better man than me, to have that kind of consideration for others in the situation.Zow said:
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Man, this post could basically have been written by every single one of my friends that has dealt with the foster system. Tremendous highs and tremendous lows and a system that somehow manages to screw over and #### off everyone involved.Zow said:
SWC
Bromigo
i am a firm believer that life gives us all opportunities to step up and do something truly good and it is not always easy to recognize those chances or to take them on and sometimes they end up breaking your heart even though they undeniably help someone else woz i have nothing good in the way of advice except to say that i hope you wake up every day and realize that when the call came you and your wife both answered it and you helped out two lives in the process and in the end that is one hell of a good thing to have done good on you and i hope you find peace
Zow
Footballguy
We've considered this, too. It's quite a bit of money though so not sure how it'd work logistically.
Punxsutawney Phil
Footballguy
Something similar happened during adoption of a relative of mine. Dad showed up & made things difficult, eventually signed off. This was like 20 years ago, and it was my mother's cousin who was trying to adopt. They wouldn't let the baby stay with my mom's cousin, so we watched the baby until it was sorted out. I think the state didn't want the mother to get too attached in case the adoption didn't go through.
Good luck to you Woz. You guys did a great thing, but bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Good luck to you Woz. You guys did a great thing, but bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Zow
Footballguy
Really, really hard day today.
Today was the little guy's second birthday. No fanfare, no gifts sent in from relatives like there would with any other child (we are already getting adoption gifts in for our daughter and that's still one month away), and, sadly, absolutely nothing from his biological mother throughout the day (he had a really good visit with her this past weekend so we were hoping for maybe an email request for a picture or something but got nothing).
We didn't have a party for him for two reasons. First, we thought it would just be too hard and therefore unfair to others to celebrate his day only to say goodbye for the last time. Second, tonight was the only night our family counselor could see us before our son leaves for good .
I really like our counselor and am glad that we've gone, but tonight the counseling appointment was pretty rough and ended terribly. Our son leaves on the weekend of my wife's birthday and she's had a really nice, all-out Disney trip with her best friend and sister and mom planned for nearly one year. Despite our counselor advising us against being apart those few days, my wife still wanted to go (it'll be a nice escape and she's already paid for some pre-paid tours or something). I'm in support because her immediately going off to Disney with her mom the day our last ivf embryo failed did help her. Personally, I'm struggling to decide between just spending the weekend alone with my daughter or having family up to help and setting aside some time to get drunk and go play golf. Regardless, our counselor appropriately but directly advised us he thinks this is a terrible plan. Further, he gently suggested we start warming to the idea that we need to accept the reality that he just isn't our son. Both things were really rough to hear and upset my wife quite a bit.
On the way home I did stop and get my foster son a birthday cupcake. We sang him happy birthday and took a few photos of him enjoying it. My wife had to excuse herself in the middle of it despite us doing our best to be enthusiastic for him. It was nice but we are both finding the time with him to be more difficult.
Hardest part for me though came after dinner. Per our usual routine I took the kids into our playroom to wrestle around and simply hang out with them while my wife cleans up dinner and gets their bedtime stuff ready. One of their umpteen toy sets in the playroom is this combo mini basketball hoop/soccer goal thingy. I don't remember how or why but one of the balls rolled near me and I picked it up and nonchalantly shot it at the hoop. Something I've done probably a doesn't times before and, sometimes, one of the kids will laugh or go over and hit the hoop or goal or whatever but they've been too little to comprehend what it was I was trying to do.
This time something different happened. The ball bounced over to my foster son and he picked it and, to my surprise, he threw it soccer throw-in style right to me from like five feet away. He's never done anything like this before and I didn't think he was able to both physically do it or mentally grasp the concept. Nonetheless, I gently tossed the ball back to him to see if he'd do it again. He picked it up and threw it back to me yet. For the next five or so minutes (a long time for the attention span of a two year old) we had a catch.
I love baseball. My fondest memories of my own father are playing catch in the backyard or him pitching tennis balls to me at this park by our house. One of my biggest anticipated regrets throughout this entire process was that, amongst other activities like talking to him about dating, helping with homework, etc. is that I'd never get to simply play catch with my son. While it's something I never thought would happen and doubt will ever happen again for both my foster son (his biological father is very likely out of the picture forever) and me, for five minutes we played catch. And it's nearly broken me. I don't know how else to describe it other than the simultaneous highest and lowest point of my life. By the time he lost interest I had begun crying for the first time throughout this two year process. I'm doing so now as well as I type this out.
For those of you with sons please find time this weekend to do something with them; be that go fishing, build something from scratch, screw up hide and seek like GM, hit the driving range, watch a game together, or play catch.
Today was the little guy's second birthday. No fanfare, no gifts sent in from relatives like there would with any other child (we are already getting adoption gifts in for our daughter and that's still one month away), and, sadly, absolutely nothing from his biological mother throughout the day (he had a really good visit with her this past weekend so we were hoping for maybe an email request for a picture or something but got nothing).
We didn't have a party for him for two reasons. First, we thought it would just be too hard and therefore unfair to others to celebrate his day only to say goodbye for the last time. Second, tonight was the only night our family counselor could see us before our son leaves for good .
I really like our counselor and am glad that we've gone, but tonight the counseling appointment was pretty rough and ended terribly. Our son leaves on the weekend of my wife's birthday and she's had a really nice, all-out Disney trip with her best friend and sister and mom planned for nearly one year. Despite our counselor advising us against being apart those few days, my wife still wanted to go (it'll be a nice escape and she's already paid for some pre-paid tours or something). I'm in support because her immediately going off to Disney with her mom the day our last ivf embryo failed did help her. Personally, I'm struggling to decide between just spending the weekend alone with my daughter or having family up to help and setting aside some time to get drunk and go play golf. Regardless, our counselor appropriately but directly advised us he thinks this is a terrible plan. Further, he gently suggested we start warming to the idea that we need to accept the reality that he just isn't our son. Both things were really rough to hear and upset my wife quite a bit.
On the way home I did stop and get my foster son a birthday cupcake. We sang him happy birthday and took a few photos of him enjoying it. My wife had to excuse herself in the middle of it despite us doing our best to be enthusiastic for him. It was nice but we are both finding the time with him to be more difficult.
Hardest part for me though came after dinner. Per our usual routine I took the kids into our playroom to wrestle around and simply hang out with them while my wife cleans up dinner and gets their bedtime stuff ready. One of their umpteen toy sets in the playroom is this combo mini basketball hoop/soccer goal thingy. I don't remember how or why but one of the balls rolled near me and I picked it up and nonchalantly shot it at the hoop. Something I've done probably a doesn't times before and, sometimes, one of the kids will laugh or go over and hit the hoop or goal or whatever but they've been too little to comprehend what it was I was trying to do.
This time something different happened. The ball bounced over to my foster son and he picked it and, to my surprise, he threw it soccer throw-in style right to me from like five feet away. He's never done anything like this before and I didn't think he was able to both physically do it or mentally grasp the concept. Nonetheless, I gently tossed the ball back to him to see if he'd do it again. He picked it up and threw it back to me yet. For the next five or so minutes (a long time for the attention span of a two year old) we had a catch.
I love baseball. My fondest memories of my own father are playing catch in the backyard or him pitching tennis balls to me at this park by our house. One of my biggest anticipated regrets throughout this entire process was that, amongst other activities like talking to him about dating, helping with homework, etc. is that I'd never get to simply play catch with my son. While it's something I never thought would happen and doubt will ever happen again for both my foster son (his biological father is very likely out of the picture forever) and me, for five minutes we played catch. And it's nearly broken me. I don't know how else to describe it other than the simultaneous highest and lowest point of my life. By the time he lost interest I had begun crying for the first time throughout this two year process. I'm doing so now as well as I type this out.
For those of you with sons please find time this weekend to do something with them; be that go fishing, build something from scratch, screw up hide and seek like GM, hit the driving range, watch a game together, or play catch.
TheAristocrat
Footballguy
Jesus Christ, man. You brought a single guy with no kids to finding a bit too much dust in the room. I'm not crying, it's the dust.
Keep being the family you are. You are bringing JOY into the world. That is so very important.
Keep being the family you are. You are bringing JOY into the world. That is so very important.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
And I'm just crying. Those memories are so precious.
Frostillicus
Footballguy
Woz really, I have no words. My thoughts are with you.
Righetti
Footballguy
This is the way I see it also. It won't help in the immediate future but know that you have something to a person that cannot ever be replaced
AAABatteries
Footballguy
God bless Woz - no advice and you and your wife have shown what incredible people you are and that no advice is needed.
Zow
Footballguy
For sure. I intend to. Certainly isn’t something that’s gender specific for me. The little guy is just very attached to me whereas my daughter is currently more attached to my wife.
jvdesigns2002
Footballguy
Damn---that was some pretty heavy stuff. I honestly can't think of anything to say other than you have all of my thoughts and prayers. I truly wish you and your family the best.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Life is so ####### unfair sometimes. I hate that you are having to go through this. I, myself, struggle with figuring out why people come into and out of our lives at different points. I can't begin to imagine how this must feel with you, as emotional as it makes me feel just reading your account of things. All I can say is to just try and reflect positively and hold on tightly to those good memories. Those are what get us through the hard times.
Zow
Footballguy
Finally have a moment to breathe because if I’ve working nonstop to be able to take the next two days off to spend time with him. He goes home Friday at lunchtime. So, I have a full day with him tomorrow and we have an entire family day planned. I’m happy about it but my wife is struggling hard with the “lasts” aspect of it. We both simultaneously want it to be all but also not.
Regarding lasts, we had our last phone conference today with his case manager, social workers, therapists, and biological mother. The are monthly calls with the same people that last about thirty minutes. Anyway, majority of the call the “team” is discussing just how far along Benjamin is and how he will be a breeze for his mother when he goes home since he’s the easiest of his four siblings. One person even commented to his mom that “he must have gotten the good behavior genes.” I think in that moment I felt BF Skinner rub my temples for me. When the phone call was nearing the end, per usual, the discussion turned to planning next months conference. The monitor suggested my wife and I could get off the phone since we wouldn’t be attending anymore. We started to say some goodbyes and the case manager essentially cut us off and rushed us to get off the phone because she had another meeting. So we hung up. And that was it.
I admit I wasn’t expecting much, but I thought there’d be something. Maybe a “we appreciate you,” or something along those lines. I’m well aware of the desensitization to emotional concerns in some of these settings, and my wife and I did this for Benjamin and nobody else, but I am disappointed.
Regarding lasts, we had our last phone conference today with his case manager, social workers, therapists, and biological mother. The are monthly calls with the same people that last about thirty minutes. Anyway, majority of the call the “team” is discussing just how far along Benjamin is and how he will be a breeze for his mother when he goes home since he’s the easiest of his four siblings. One person even commented to his mom that “he must have gotten the good behavior genes.” I think in that moment I felt BF Skinner rub my temples for me. When the phone call was nearing the end, per usual, the discussion turned to planning next months conference. The monitor suggested my wife and I could get off the phone since we wouldn’t be attending anymore. We started to say some goodbyes and the case manager essentially cut us off and rushed us to get off the phone because she had another meeting. So we hung up. And that was it.
I admit I wasn’t expecting much, but I thought there’d be something. Maybe a “we appreciate you,” or something along those lines. I’m well aware of the desensitization to emotional concerns in some of these settings, and my wife and I did this for Benjamin and nobody else, but I am disappointed.
Last edited by a moderator:
Zow
Footballguy
Honestly the best way I can describe is the allegory of the sword of Damocles. And know that Friday at 1:00 it’s going to cut you down.
rockaction
Footballguy
Best of luck to you, Woz. Just...best of luck and good wishes.
dickey moe
Fingerpicker
Sorry Woz. Best to you guys.
ProstheticRGK
Footballguy
Sorry, woz. It sucks that you and your wife dont get to enjoy seeing the fruits of your good work, or even get any acknowledgement. But, it’s clear you did it all because it was the best thing for Benjamin, and the positive impact you’ve had on him is incalculable. I know it’s not the same, and it sounds a little corny on a message board, but I’d like to acknowledge what you and your wife have done, and say, “Thank you.”
You did a good and selfless thing that made the world better. Sometimes, that has to be its own reward. I appreciate you sharing because it restores my faith in humanity. I hope the next few days give you all some sense of closure and peace and great memories. With much respect.
You did a good and selfless thing that made the world better. Sometimes, that has to be its own reward. I appreciate you sharing because it restores my faith in humanity. I hope the next few days give you all some sense of closure and peace and great memories. With much respect.
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
Certainly seems like something to focus on through all of this. Keep doing that while you can.Zow said:
The Z Machine
Footballguy
I didn't open up this thread until now because I thought it was about the death of your son. I just couldn't handle reading that. I haven't read past the OP, but I just want to with you all the best and I'm happy to know that your son is healthy and happy.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
On behalf of the little guy, I thank you and your wife too.
ditka...mike ditka
Footballguy
Woz - I dont post too often around here (at least not enough to really be known) but I read here almost everyday and have for 14+ years so I’ve gotten to see all your threads over the years...just wanted to let you know that you are a good man and I am sorry you are going through this. You and your wife gave your son more love in two years than a lot of people feel in a lifetime...this world needs more people like you and your family. Enjoy this next day and a half and know you made a positive impact in multiple peoples lives by what you have done for this kid.Zow said:
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Woz, I wouldn't expect to hear appreciation from the social workers. The system and the situations are so screwed up that the vast majority burned out long ago and are going through the motions. Imagine going through what you're going through now over and over again. Out of self-preservation, they just start turning the emotions off. The best ones manage not to, but many of them break down and leave the profession.
All that to say, that doesn't change what you have done and how much you have meant to this kid. You've done your best to give him every advantage you possibly could. You have been light in his life. And the fact that it hurts so much is evidence that you are a great person and that you are grieving, but not broken.
Enjoy your last moments with him and then grieve well. A family counselor who has experience in dealing with loss of children may be a good investment. Sometimes guidance or wisdom from a professional can go a long way.
All that to say, that doesn't change what you have done and how much you have meant to this kid. You've done your best to give him every advantage you possibly could. You have been light in his life. And the fact that it hurts so much is evidence that you are a great person and that you are grieving, but not broken.
Enjoy your last moments with him and then grieve well. A family counselor who has experience in dealing with loss of children may be a good investment. Sometimes guidance or wisdom from a professional can go a long way.
The Z Machine
Footballguy
Wiz, you're a great father. You'll continue to be one in the future.
Zow
Footballguy
We've been seeing a family counselor since we found out it was inevitable he was going home. I think it's been a positive. It's been somewhat challenging for my wife because he's been pretty directly critical of some of her choices (e.g. Heading to Disney for a girls trip right after he leaves) but I think the best part about it that it gives my wife and me different talking points.
Joe T
Footballguy
I don't know the circumstances either.
Definitely a tough situation, but I can also see the "bio mom's" side where she should be given the opportunity to get her life together and get her biological children back. Isn't that the point of the process?
ChiefD
Footballguy
No kidding. Woz and Ms. Woz have given that boy a nice foundation. I'm not necessarily a God person, but I do believe that there are good people here that are destined to do great things. And what they are doing are great things.
Zow
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
General Malaise
Footballguy
I wanted to post something heartfelt and sincere to you, Woz, but I don't think I can top this post from PRGK. You have my utmost respect and I am amazed at how much you have matured and grown over the years since you first appeared here. My heart and mind will be with you and your family tomorrow.
Similar threads
