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Preparing for/Dealing with the loss of a child (1 Viewer)

ProstheticRGK said:
Sorry, woz. It sucks that you and your wife dont get to enjoy seeing the fruits of your good work, or even get any acknowledgement. But, it’s clear you did it all because it was the best thing for Benjamin, and the positive impact you’ve had on him is incalculable. I know it’s not the same, and it sounds a little corny on a message board, but I’d like to acknowledge what you and your wife have done, and say, “Thank you.”

You did a good and selfless thing that made the world better. Sometimes, that has to be its own reward. I appreciate you sharing because it restores my faith in humanity. I hope the next few days give you all some sense of closure and peace and great memories. With much respect.
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This.

I haven't been around the last few months and am just catching up- T&P to you, yours, Benjamin and his biomom, Woz. :heart:  

 
Just put him to bed for the last time. Felt badly for my wife because he only lets me do it. We played our game where I fake “squash” him on his bed, turned on his turtle nightlight, then he went down no issues. He was in my lap for at least an hour prior this.  Had a bit of a cry with the wife afterwards. Going to try cook dinner and watch football to distract. Don’t mean to live blog this or anything, but this feels cathartic. 

 
Zow said:
Thanks. 

Woke up at 4 am. Now just lying here counting the minutes until he wakes up. This is going to be rough. 
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You'll do it, and you'll be a better person for it, Woz. These things do not come unanswered. You did the work of something greater than you. 

 
I hope that your family enjoyed the day. You and your wife did a tremendous, selfless thing and have made an incalculable impact in a child's life.
Your memories will last a lifetime and the impact that you have made will touch so many more lives than just your own.

Sending you nothing but the best.

 
Zow said:
Thanks. 

Woke up at 4 am. Now just lying here counting the minutes until he wakes up. This is going to be rough. 
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I cannot imagine anything harder in life than what you are going through.  Be strong and know that you have a bunch of I-friends thinking about you  :cry: .  

 
Just reading your story and I can't even imagine what this is like for you and your wife. Your selflessness gave this little guy a great start at life.I  wish you peace through this.

 
All the best to you and your wife, Woz.  Congratulations on adopting your daughter.   Your selflessness in regard to your foster son is incredible.

My daughter was born after 5 years of fertility treatments, including 4 rounds of IUI and 2 IVF's.  The stress of it all (and the hormone treatments that my ex-wife took) eventually did irreparable harm to our marriage and led to our divorce.   Just before the divorce became inevitable, I had located a surrogate for the final 3 embryos we had on tap to try to have a second child.   That became impossible, and we ended up donating them.   

Take care of yourself.   Take care of your wife.  Stick with the counseling.   Grieve.   And have fun.  You and your wife are clearly meant for this parenting thing.   

 
Watching his favorite movie now. The state agency called to let us know they’d be here an hour earlier than intended. I thought we’d be angry but I think we are just ready for this to be over and it’s good for him bc it works better with his normal nap time. 

 
Yesterday was pretty awful. I tried to enjoy the time with him but it became increasingly difficult it drew closer to his pickup time. Despite the call to bump up the pickup time the case worker was 30 minutes late, which basically felt like torture. Person doing the pickup was actually a different worker unfamiliar with the situation and I had to explain the situation to her when she looked annoyed I wouldn’t answer her question when she saw my wife’s college license plate frame and asked if we knew person x.  

As could be expected putting him in some stranger’s car and saying goodbye was the hardest part. Poor little guy was smiling and waving at us, just completely oblivious to the situation. My wife collapsed when we went back into the house and I nearly threw up. That ten minute span there was the worst of my life. 

Oddly, the rest of the day wasn’t so bad. I think there was a lot of emotional fatigue but I more so just felt numb. My wife got picked up for her girls trip maybe 25 minutes or so thereafter, which I think was good timing because it forced us out of the awful moment. I went and played golf, which is apparently a way easier game when you just don’t give a #### because I made five birdies. Rest of the night went okay and I was so emotionally spent that falling asleep really wasn’t a problem. Woke up (still earlier than normal) but I don’t feel too terrible as I type this. Maybe there’s still a numbing period. 

 
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Zow said:
Yesterday was pretty awful. I tried to enjoy the time with him but it became increasingly difficult it drew closer to his pickup time. Despite the call to bump up the pickup time the case worker was 30 minutes late, which basically felt like torture. Person doing the pickup was actually a different worker unfamiliar with the situation and I had to explain the situation to her when she looked annoyed I wouldn’t answer her question when she saw my wife’s college license plate frame and asked if we knew person x.  

As could be expected putting him in some stranger’s car and saying goodbye was the hardest part. Poor little guy was smiling and waving at us, just completely oblivious to the situation. My wife collapsed when we went back into the house and I nearly threw up. That ten minute span there was the worst of my life. 

Oddly, the rest of the day wasn’t so bad. I think there was a lot of emotional fatigue but I more so just felt numb. My wife got picked up for her girls trip maybe 25 minutes or so thereafter, which I think was good timing because it forced us out of the awful moment. I went and played golf, which is apparently a way easier game when you just don’t give a #### because I made five birdies. Rest of the night went okay and I was so emotionally spent that falling asleep really wasn’t a problem. Woke up (still earlier than normal) but I don’t feel too terrible as I type this. Maybe there’s still a numbing period. 
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Hang in there bud.  :cry:

 
I've been thinking about this since yesterday. If this is insensitive at this time, tell me to eff off. 

What happens if the bio mom relapses into whatever bad decisions she was making again. Do you get a chance at the kid again or do they place him somewhere else. How many chances does she get. 

 
AcerFC said:
I've been thinking about this since yesterday. If this is insensitive at this time, tell me to eff off. 

What happens if the bio mom relapses into whatever bad decisions she was making again. Do you get a chance at the kid again or do they place him somewhere else. How many chances does she get. 
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I think a lot of us have been thinking about this for some time. 

It probably makes me a terrible person, but I’d sort of hoped she’d be arrested before pickup date. 

 
AcerFC said:
I've been thinking about this since yesterday. If this is insensitive at this time, tell me to eff off. 

What happens if the bio mom relapses into whatever bad decisions she was making again. Do you get a chance at the kid again or do they place him somewhere else. How many chances does she get. 
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These answers are very complicated and like most legal hypotheticals the best answer is “maybe,” but the short of it is that if bio mom screws up badly and the kids go back into care it’s probable that the state will move to sever her rights. The more difficult scenario is that while we would have the first shot at taking Benjamin back in, this preference is weighed along with the preference of keeping all four siblings together. So, if we didn’t want to take in his three other siblings and there was a placement willing to take all 4, we may lose priority. 

 
Henry Ford said:
I think a lot of us have been thinking about this for some time. 

It probably makes me a terrible person, but I’d sort of hoped she’d be arrested before pickup date. 
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Statistically speaking there was a real possibility of this. To her credit though, she tested clean for like 6-12 months straight. 

I did actually have somebody approach me about “helping” increase the probability of this happening. I’m also in a unique position where I could probably make some things happen. Never considered it and told the person to never suggest it again because it’s just wrong. 

After a few whiskeys though the utilitarian in me takes over and will, for a moment, think the same as you. 

 
Zow said:
Statistically speaking there was a real possibility of this. To her credit though, she tested clean for like 6-12 months straight. 

I did actually have somebody approach me about “helping” increase the probability of this happening. I’m also in a unique position where I could probably make some things happen. Never considered it and told the person to never suggest it again because it’s just wrong. 

After a few whiskeys though the utilitarian in me takes over and will, for a moment, think the same as you. 
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Don't. You've done the right thing. You did the right thing, bud. 

Keep doing the right thing. God or karma or love will bless you in the end, even if it's not in this world. 

Your world will be awful if you take this person up on the offer. You won't forgive yourself; and as bad as you feel now, nothing will replace it in your heart. 

 
I was going to write about this in the lawyer thread but I basically helped craft the appellate brief that resulted in changing the law that would have otherwise let the state move to severance after 6 months of us having him. 

This fun fact weighs on me a bit. Obviously at the time I had no clue and was proud of the work. 

 
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rockaction said:
Don't. You've done the right thing. You did the right thing, bud. 

Keep doing the right thing. God or karma or love will bless you in the end, even if it's not in this world. 

Your world will be awful if you take this person up on the offer. You won't forgive yourself; and as bad as you feel now, nothing will replace it in your heart. 
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No doubt. Never even considered it no matter how many fingers of redbreast I consume. 

 
Zow said:
No doubt. Never even considered it no matter how many fingers of redbreast I consume. 
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Yep, I gathered. Just supporting you in your decision. Keep the positive thoughts going. Think of what a difference you made in a child's life.   

 
This isn't saying much, but you're a better person than me Woz. You did something really selfless, and made that kid's life better for the time he was with you. I don't know if I believe in karma, but I think that kind of sacrifice is what we're here for. I admire you and I wish you and your wife all the best getting through the grief. 

 
McGarnicle said:
This isn't saying much, but you're a better person than me Woz. You did something really selfless, and made that kid's life better for the time he was with you. I don't know if I believe in karma, but I think that kind of sacrifice is what we're here for. I admire you and I wish you and your wife all the best getting through the grief. 
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Agree with this 100%.  I have no courage to even dream of doing something as brave as what you have done here. 

 
Henry Ford said:
I think a lot of us have been thinking about this for some time. 

It probably makes me a terrible person, but I’d sort of hoped she’d be arrested before pickup date. 
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If you are a terrible person, then I guess I am, too.

Best wishes and hugs for all of you.

 
Opened this thread a few times with the intention of updating it but it's been a challenge to do so. Usually this is on some night during the past 1.5 years, or on the 20th day of a month, where I'm either at the office late or home by myself because my wife and kids were out of town but I chickened out each time.  Those of you who keenly read the last sentence probably caught the plural "kids" so I'll start there with a positive update: two weeks after I last posted in this thread my wife and I adopted our oldest daughter and, this past December -- after probably the smoothest/easiest foster to adopt situation I've seen -- we adopted a second daughter. They are wonderful and we're very happy.  We have still kept our foster license active/open on the chance Benjamin comes into care and, to a lesser extent, because we were advised we were the only family willing to take in a black child in the area and because my wife will occasionally do respite care for other foster parents. 

After 10/20/17 my wife and I received no information on how Benjamin was doing. When we sent him to his biological mother that last day we sent him with is stipend from the state (that my wife and I never felt comfortable spending on him) and a stroller.  My wife noticed the the biological mother cashed the check and listed the stroller on the local online marketplace a few days later. We just hoped the money was used on him. We thought maybe she'd reach out (although we simultaneously feared she'd do so solely for money).  But she never did and her court case was closed shortly thereafter so we he basically went from the most important thing in our daily lives to not having a practical existence in them. 

Contrary to my wife, my work and my hobbies took me relatively frequently to the area Benjamin lived.  Every single time there'd be some near debilitating moment where I'd see some little blonde kid at the gas station when I stopped for gas or a coffee and think it was him. Or I'd envision seeing him at the playground immediately next to the courthouse or him with his biological family just randomly at wherever I happened to be. I'd hold my breathe for a moment whenever I'd see a new case report of some sort of child crime from that area. But, thankfully I guess, nothing. For about the first six months he was gone I'd have the same recurring nightmare about him a few times a side.  But, eventually, that did subside.  We attended counseling for few sessions after he left. I was also eventually able to look at pictures of him and talk about him relatively casually. My wife was able to do the same. 

The above was true until two Fridays ago.   At ~10:30 AM my wife and I were sitting in a coffee shop in Sedona and I was firing off the last of a few necessary work emails before we'd start our anniversary.  We were set to leave to go wine tasting for the afternoon. I finish and look up at my wife who is just holding up her phone with a look of panic. She had just received an email that Benjamin was back in care.  I immediately called the case worker.  Apparently a meth pipe was found in one of the kids' toys at the house and the biological mother was agreeing to go into in-patient treatment. The sense of all this was overwhelming.  I told the case worker that my wife and I were just about to begin a three day vacation.  She said she was still trying to find Benjamin and his siblings and we'd touch base shortly. She noted that she was still going to try to find placement to take in all 4 kids but that would be incredibly unlikely. She did ask if we could take in all four but, my wife and I had discussed this, and I advised that just isn't something we can take on in our current situation. 

I went back and filled my wife in.  We were both pretty much shaking at that point.  Surprisingly, my wife was initially somewhat hesitant to get involved.  But, of course, and after getting over the initial shock, fear, frustration, etc. of the situation (this was our first alone vacation in one year and I was set to play in a 5 day golf event the next week with my wife going on a girls' trip to Hawaii the week after) we agreed that we'd take him in.  We notified the state agency and they said they'd call us when they found him.  Not in a logistical position to get there within a few hours we called close friends of ours who had a qualified fictive kinship to Benjamin to see if they could pick him up and take him for the night. 

My wife and I still went wine tasting but it was basically secondary to our conversation and anticipation of seeing our former foster son. We finished earlier than normal (we basically have the same routine on our anniversary trip) and checked into the place we were staying before heading to dinner at our favorite restaurant in that area. As we pulled into the parking lot we got the call that Benjamin was in the state's care and our friends were going to go pick him up within the hour. He was coming home.  I went to go stand in line and my wife stayed in the car to call family and let them know.  We both went from a mix of frustration to simple elation.  I spent a couple minutes mildly annoyed at the timing of this all (I had finally started the first week+ vacation I have taken in more than 5 years and we were going to have to cancel those plans and go back home the next day but, frankly, I'd never been so happy to cancel last minute a big golf tournament. 

We were seated around 30 minutes later.  We were happy and excited.  We knew we were staying the night so we ordered a celebratory drink and some appetizers. We talked about the possibility that he'd remember us.  We both didn't think so but he's still seen us as his parents for more than half of his life. We tried t guess what sort of ways his personality may have changed. We talked about how to go about re-introducing him our oldest daughter (who is like two weeks younger than Benjamin) and introducing him to our youngest/newest. My wife was thinking out loud about how she wanted to rearrange the bedrooms and what things we'd need to get for him.  She even gave me the speech about how I'd need to cut out more of my hobbies than I already have since we had kids in the house. 

We were still talking about the above when our appetizers arrived.  I picked up my phone from the table to quickly look at it and put it into my pocket.  When I did so I noticed a text message from my friend which was a screenshot of text messages with the case worker. I had to read it three times to believe it.  But had I read it is one thousand times it still would have plainly stated that my friend didn't need to go get Benjamin because they found a foster family willing to take in all four children and we had agreed that it was in Benjamin's best interests to be placed with his three biological siblings. 

I commonly have to tell people things some very serious, life-changing information that they probably don't want to hear.  But the next few moments marked the first time I had to do that to a loved one.  I took the same approach and just flat out told her. She had to excuse herself and lost it halfway to the bathroom.  I sat their alone and while I wasn't vocally emotional I'm sure I looked incredibly pale.  I had to explain to our server that we needed time.  I didn't know what to do other than apologize as I knew the restaurant was busy and I assured her that my wife and I weren't in a fight or anything but that we had just receive some bad news outside our control. My wife returned and we got through dinner the best we could but it obviously wasn't enjoyable. We then went to the place we were staying and, contrary to original plans for weekend, we just laid in bed both basically trying to ride out the emotional rollercoaster. While life isn't fair and we recognize that life has been very good to us in many ways the longest stretch of that rollercoaster ride was a descent from joy to anger. 

We did get some relatively good news the next day.  We learned that Benjamin and his siblings have been placed in a very reputable foster home in an area pretty far away.  We also learned that the foster parents are willing to speak to us after the kids get settled in. They even indicated that they'd be open to FaceTime in the near future.  We were informed that he was still a very kind and innocent kid and got along well with his siblings. 

We were able to be happy about that -- that he can be with his siblings -- and were able to enjoy the latter half of our trip (aided by copious amounts of wine). The next week was good too and I think we both appreciated the mini-vacation with our daughters.  As I type this I think I have resolved that Benjamin should, at least in his current situation, be with his biological siblings (hell, it's what all the training, literature, and statutes say should be the priority in these situations).  Still, it's hard to know that he came back into care and he isn't with us.  It's also even more difficult to resolve the fact that he likely experienced things a child shouldn't after he left us and there was nothing we could do to stop it. It's also in the back of our minds that maybe we were selfish by not immediately getting in the car the moment we received that email and not stopping until we had him but, then again, maybe that act would have been even more selfish.  

TLDR: After about 1.5 years of no information regarding the little boy I considered my son my wife and I, at the moment we were about to start our anniversary trip, were told he was subject again to abuse and/or neglect and, for 30 minutes, we thought he was coming home.  But, instead, after that 30 minutes, we received an indirect text message essentially telling us, "just kidding."    

 
Zow said:
These answers are very complicated and like most legal hypotheticals the best answer is “maybe,” but the short of it is that if bio mom screws up badly and the kids go back into care it’s probable that the state will move to sever her rights. The more difficult scenario is that while we would have the first shot at taking Benjamin back in, this preference is weighed along with the preference of keeping all four siblings together. So, if we didn’t want to take in his three other siblings and there was a placement willing to take all 4, we may lose priority. 
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####### lawyers and their bad news. I thought he'd come back into care.  I never thought that they'd be able to find a placement to take all four. 

 
Thanks for the update, Woz.

The state agency is a big fat giant jerk for the way they handled this. They should not have allowed you to get your hopes up.

 
I'm so sorry Woz. The system really sucks. They beg people to be foster parents and to adopt, but then inevitably treat them like garbage. I know that the interests of the child have to come first, but the way they do things doesn't have to be done the way they do it. And by operating this way, they ultimately make things worse for all the kids because nobody in their right mind wants to deal with that non-sense.

And I know that the conventional wisdom is that keeping siblings together is the best thing to do, but my personal observations have been otherwise. I've seen it 3 or 4 times now with friends who have taken in sibling groups and every time it played out the same. The older kids have way more issues, often including an unhealthy attachment to abusive parents and rejecting of their foster/adoptive parents and a healthy environment. The older kids then do their best to pull their younger siblings into that mess as well. It's sad and messed up, but IMO, the younger kids are often worse off being placed with their older siblings. 

I'm glad that you have ended up with 2 beautiful daughters Woz. Give them extra huge hugs. You're a great person. krista's $100 was one of the better investments ever made on this board.

 
Thanks for sharing Woz...so sorry you went through that awful day. Hoping Benjamin and his siblings will do well and stay happy in their new sitautuin and lives. You're a good man.

 
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