Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

[Stinkin Ref]

My nephews don't believe me that giving hi fives and first bumps after a missed free throw started with Ralph Sampson in the final four game in 1981.  I told them I went back and watched tapes and youtube videos each season until I narrowed it down to that game.

for the record....I'm going to add this to the pet peeves thread....why do players have to do this on a made or missed free throw.....its a freakin free throw.....dude doesn't need a fist bump or hand slap....just stay in your spot on the lane and let's move on....

 

[TheFanatic]

Every year, we get corn stalks for Halloween and leave them up through Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving I take the stalks down and pull some of the brown silks and put them in a plastic bag. Then on Christmas eve, after the kids go to bed, I would scatter it around the front porch and then on Christmas morning I would show the kids "proof" that Santa had been there because of the reindeer hair on the front porch. I haven't done this in a couple years because we now have a new house with a fire place and now Santa lands on the roof. 

Any time one of my kids asks, "Where are my shoes/jacket/pants/shirt/whatever?" I respond, "I don't know. I put them back where them/it belong the last time I wore them/it." The older one hardly asks that anymore and simply keeps looking rather than hope I find whatever it is for him. 

 

[TheFanatic]

for the record....I'm going to add this to the pet peeves thread....why do players have to do this on a made or missed free throw.....its a freakin free throw.....dude doesn't need a fist bump or hand slap....just stay in your spot on the lane and let's move on....

Stinkin Ref? More like, No-Fun Ref

 

[Nathan R. Jessep]

I was always pretty good at working a semi-related song lyric into something they said.  And you can do this for pretty much anything anyone says.

Kid:  Hey, it's raining out.
Me:  IIIIIII wanna know..... Have you ever seeeeeen the raaaaiiiiin.

Kid:  It's really storming
Me:  <insert Riders on the Storm or Thunderstruck>

Kid:  Dad stop.
Me:  In the naaaaame of love.

Corny, but you get the idea.

 I've replied so much with movie quotes and song lyrics that my kids now do it too. Warms my soul. 

 

[E-Z Glider]

Here's a good follow-up for all the injury faking / over-dramatizing shticker's out there.

Kid: Dad, are you alright?!?!

Me: No, I'm half left. 

 

[Sweet J]

There's an improv exercise pretty much like this.  One person pauses mid-sentence, second person throws out 1-3 suggestions, first person picks one and goes with it.  

The year they were SNL cast members, Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest created a night watchmen pair of characters as a loose frame to improvise using this structure.

Crystal: The other day I took one of the those... ummm...
Guest: Meat thermometers?
Crystal: Yeah!  And I shoved it into my ear, right?  And then I took one of those... ummm...
Guest: Ball-peen hammers?
Crystal: Yeah!  And I whacked a few times, as far in as it would go.
Guest: Ouch!  that smarts.
Crystal: Yeah.  I hate it when that happens.  

One of my favorite old sketches.  I had forgotten about it. I'm gonna try and revive this practice.  Will report back. 

 

[Hov34]

When I was a kid I used to convince my sister she was bionic (late 70's - she was 3 years younger than me).  I'd have her run all over the place and time her saying she was knocking out 50 to 70 yards in 2.3 seconds.  Hours of entertainment for me.

 

[ScottNorwood]

When I do dinosaur battles with my son, he always wins.  But after my dinosaur loses, the losing dinosaur will then threaten to tell T Rex's mom that he was being mean.

 

[Koya]

When I was 5 or 6, the older kids down at the music festival my dad played at in Greensboro (think a camp for kids where the adults were top level professional musicians who happened to act like a bunch of kids for the summer) totally screwed with me by convincing me that Dungeons and Dragons was real, and the role of the dice would have real world implications. 

There was a huge storm coming and a tornado warning, which they knew about before I did... you see where this is going.

I completely thought their game was the reason all of a sudden we had to run to the basement/shelter while the whistles went off announcing the incoming storm and tornado threat. I was scared to death and it probably took me a couple years before I realised I'd been had (and able to then play D&D, although never did get to into it... kind of a let down after once thinking #### was real)

 

[Punxsutawney Phil]

Use the following mispronunciations:  

1) Dark Vader

2) Blackgammon

3) Jail walking

Feel free to add.

I recently was talking to an older relative of mine who was telling me he recently got on FB.  He said "what the hell is this pound me too?"

 

[Wrigley]

I’ve pretty much been a professional everything that little girls like(I’ve got 3)

cheerleader

dancer

singer(I’m always singing songs incorporating their names)....I won season 2 of the voice 

i was in the olympics

chef  

only American to complete ninja warrior 

 

[Black Box]

When the ice cream truck is playing music, it means it's out of ice creme.  I think Ray said that.

When my daughters were younger the ice cream truck was the music truck. 

"There's that music truck again, isn't that so nice of him driving around playing music for everybody?"

 

[Ditka Butkus]

I tell my daughters boyfriends that I did time for assault and battery with intent to kill.......When my daughters say he did not!...I say.. its ok honey we can talk about it now we no longer have to hide it, it was a long time ago.. Or on occasion if I'm doing manual work around the house and one of the boyfriends ask how I learned that I blurt out.. while in prison.

 

[LoadLetterPaper]

I use Speed Shtick everyday after I shower.

 

[ScottNorwood]

I mispronounce all the pokemon names and sing along to the theme song with the wrong lyrics.  Drives my kids nuts.

 

[LoadLetterPaper]

I use a shtick to whoop my 4 year old son.

 

[hagmania]

Sometimes call my wife "pidge" or "pigeon."

 

[Hov34]

Around this time of the year whenever the weather is cold/rainy/bad I mutter "lousy Smarch weather".  My kids don't even react to it anymore, but I'll have a few adults give me the eye.

 

[LoadLetterPaper]

Down in the south, we tie fishing line and a hook with bait to a shtick, and try to catch fish

 

[Steeler]

Not really schtick but still awesome (at least IMO)...

My kids were into the movie Parent Trap when they were little (2 girls, soon to be 20 and 18) - Lindsay Lohan was just a kid and her character had an elaborate handshake with her butler in the movie.  Ever since then I've has a "secret" handshake with each of my kids.  The 20 YO has autism so our handshake is pretty straight forward but she still loves doing it whenever I want.  The 18YO is a typical teen, so she will still do it after a short protest about being too old - it's amazing she can do it WHILE rolling her eyes at the same time   I have to throw it out there every once in a while so we don't forget it because I plan to do it right before I walk her down the aisle (should she ever decide to get married) - hopefully she will grow out of the rolleyes/ protest by then and think it's cool.

We are actually taking the soon to be 18YO out for dinner tonight at a very fancy restaurant to celebrate her birthday so I'm going to make her do it before we leave!  I might also throw out the "no reservations about eating here, I love this place" when we arrive at the restaurant.

 

[Bull Dozier]

very fancy restaurant to celebrate so I'm going to make her do it before we leave!  I might also throw out the "no reservations about eating here, I love this place" when we arrive at the restaurant.

That reminds me of my two favorite schticky dad jokes:

"People are sure dying to get in there" whenever we pass a cemetery.

"This place is going to be a zoo" when we arrive at the zoo parking lot.  (I actually did this one three or four times before my wife figured out I was making a joke).  After the last time she asked "why do you assume the zoo is going to be busy everytime we come?"  I just stared at her for a minute and let her figure it out.  Classic.

 

[STBootleg]

When my daughter was younger, whenever we were at an intersection stop light  I would tell her that I was going to change the light to green at the snap of my fingers.

I would then just time the other lights and when they were yellow I snap my fingers a second or two later and sure enough our light turned green. This lasted at least a year with her telling me to change the light every time we had to stop.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

Two that I like to use:

1. Whenever the number 8 is mentioned in a conversation, I will add "the ocho".

2. I will reply to someone with "that's why God invented", i.e.:

Kid: We're out of milk.

Me: That's why God invented the supermarket, so we can get some more. 

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

I use comic sans for my out of office email 

I'm not sure if I want to give you a high five or punch you in the snotbox.    

This is hilarious.  

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

When my step daughter was real young, she would "break" a toy and ask me to fix it.  I told her I had magic in my ears, so I would hold to toy up to my ear, snap the toy back together, and hand it back to her.  She was amazed.  I don't recall how long that worked on her, but far past the age that it should have.

The entire time my kid was three and probably well into 4, I had him convinced I could roll down the windows in the car by pulling on my nose.  Every time I put the windows up or down with my left hand, I pulled my nose with my right hand and gave him the "I don't understand why this works either?!?" face.   

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

Around this time of the year whenever the weather is cold/rainy/bad I mutter "lousy Smarch weather".  My kids don't even react to it anymore, but I'll have a few adults give me the eye.

It's much nicer in Scotchtober.  

 

[ScottNorwood]

  Yes!  My kids are both Pokemon nerds and hated when I would sing the song wrong.  I would also argue with them that Pikachu was the absolute strongest and could not be defeated.  Like I knew what I was talking about.

The power levels are all screwed up.  How is cute cotton candy man vs giant fire-breathing dragon a fair fight in any universe?

 

[Bull Dozier]

The entire time my kid was three and probably well into 4, I had him convinced I could roll down the windows in the car by pulling on my nose.  Every time I put the windows up or down with my left hand, I pulled my nose with my right hand and gave him the "I don't understand why this works either?!?" face.   

Plus the classic "cracking your nose" trick, where you flick your fingernail off your tooth as you twist your nose.  Keeps kids guessing.

I tried the trick of pulling off the tip of my finger (ie, thumb of my other hand) but it freaked her out too much.

 

[belljr]

The entire time my kid was three and probably well into 4, I had him convinced I could roll down the windows in the car by pulling on my nose.  Every time I put the windows up or down with my left hand, I pulled my nose with my right hand and gave him the "I don't understand why this works either?!?" face.   

Passenger sun visor and horn for me.

 

[belljr]

Not really schtick but still awesome (at least IMO)...

My kids were into the movie Parent Trap when they were little (2 girls, soon to be 20 and 18) - Lindsay Lohan was just a kid and her character had an elaborate handshake with her butler in the movie.  Ever since then I've has a "secret" handshake with each of my kids.  The 20 YO has autism so our handshake is pretty straight forward but she still loves doing it whenever I want.  The 18YO is a typical teen, so she will still do it after a short protest about being too old - it's amazing she can do it WHILE rolling her eyes at the same time   I have to throw it out there every once in a while so we don't forget it because I plan to do it right before I walk her down the aisle (should she ever decide to get married) - hopefully she will grow out of the rolleyes/ protest by then and think it's cool.

We are actually taking the soon to be 18YO out for dinner tonight at a very fancy restaurant to celebrate her birthday so I'm going to make her do it before we leave!  I might also throw out the "no reservations about eating here, I love this place" when we arrive at the restaurant.

I find it hilarious/amazing that stupid dad stuff is so universal.  My daughter an I had a super elaborate handshake right before bed.   Neither one of us can remember it exactly now,

We always miss a hand slap or fist bump

 

[Ned]

When my step daughter was real young, she would "break" a toy and ask me to fix it.  I told her I had magic in my ears, so I would hold to toy up to my ear, snap the toy back together, and hand it back to her.  She was amazed.  I don't recall how long that worked on her, but far past the age that it should have.

The entire time my kid was three and probably well into 4, I had him convinced I could roll down the windows in the car by pulling on my nose.  Every time I put the windows up or down with my left hand, I pulled my nose with my right hand and gave him the "I don't understand why this works either?!?" face.   

I really enjoyed car shtick when my boys were younger.

• I had my kids convinced for years that the hazard button in the car was the 'rocket ship' button.  Any time I'd pretend to press it, I'd accelerate for a second and then take my finger away saying if we held it for too long we'd take off.
  
• Cruise control was 'auto pilot' (I'd just hide my hand down by my knee and show them 1 free hand).
  

 

[Ned]

I find it hilarious/amazing that stupid dad stuff is so universal. 

It's in our DNA.  

I love trying to illicit that you're an idiot look from my wife.  I've told her for the past year I'm learning Spanish and need to absorb it as much as possible (I do really want to learn).  My favorite right now is turning on a soccer match on Univision or some other Spanish only channel and pretending to understand what they're saying and fake agree or fake laugh at the commentary. 

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

It's in our DNA.  

I love trying to illicit that you're an idiot look from my wife.  I've told her for the past year I'm learning Spanish and need to absorb it as much as possible (I do really want to learn).  My favorite right now is turning on a soccer match on Univision or some other Spanish only channel and pretending to understand what they're saying and fake agree or fake laugh at the commentary. 

I watch ####ty reruns on Telemundo just to see how long it will take for my wife to lose it.   

EL RIDER DEL NOCHE

 

[Zegras11]

When our twins were young, no matter how much they were crying over something, I could always instantly change it to laughter by simply counting down 3.............2............1............   Worked every time...        They are now 29 and it still works and they hate that it does.

 

[Reg Lllama of Brixton]

When I was a kid I used to convince my sister she was bionic (late 70's - she was 3 years younger than me).  I'd have her run all over the place and time her saying she was knocking out 50 to 70 yards in 2.3 seconds.  Hours of entertainment for me.

I have a younger step-sister that I can't stand.  Still can't.

When we were younger she would always want to play Battleship.  I think because it was mostly luck.

Pretty much every time we played I would only put out 2 or 3 ships just to see how long it would take her to notice.  One time I didn't put out any.  

When she was 12 she got her own phone line.  This was way before caller ID or *69 or whatever. He bedroom was in the very far back of the house.  I would grab the cordless phone that went to our regular number and surreptitiously dial her number.  She would go hauling ### down the hallway to answer it.  I'd hang up just before she would get to the phone.  This was always good for a laugh.

 

[NeverEnough]

I tell women I'm a doctor...Dr Feelgood...

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

she would always want to play Battleship. ...I would only put out 2 or 3 ships just to see how long it would take her to notice.  One time I didn't put out any.  

Hilarious.      "Sorry #####, yous in the wrong ocean"

 

[Wrigley]

Ahhh the Mexican channel 

 

[Tom Servo]

when the hostess asks if i have reservations

no, i'm pretty confident about eating here

Hostess at restaurant: Smoking or non-smoking?

Mrs. Servo: 3...2...1...

Me: I only smoke when I'm on fire...

 

[RokNRole]

The mask of sanity.

Have to use it every day.

 

[Tom Servo]

When I was 5 or 6, the older kids down at the music festival my dad played at in Greensboro (think a camp for kids where the adults were top level professional musicians who happened to act like a bunch of kids for the summer) totally screwed with me by convincing me that Dungeons and Dragons was real, and the role of the dice would have real world implications. 

There was a huge storm coming and a tornado warning, which they knew about before I did... you see where this is going.

I completely thought their game was the reason all of a sudden we had to run to the basement/shelter while the whistles went off announcing the incoming storm and tornado threat. I was scared to death and it probably took me a couple years before I realised I'd been had (and able to then play D&D, although never did get to into it... kind of a let down after once thinking #### was real)

 

[Tom Servo]

Pretty much every time we played I would only put out 2 or 3 ships just to see how long it would take her to notice.  One time I didn't put out any.  

 

[LoadLetterPaper]

I am traveling to Florida for a week of golf in 2 weeks, (9 days)

I am using ship shticks to send my clubs before me

 

[Bob Loblaw]

I always change the gender of the person that any of my kids (2 girls, almost 13 and almost 7, and a boy, he's 10) are talking about.

Daughter:  So, we're in homeroom, and Melissa was all...

Me: who?

Daughter:  Melissa

Me: oh, I don't know that dude.

 

[Nigel]

I use made up words in conversation that are shortened text-speak style, but are ones nobody else actually uses. For example, “hillair” in place of hilarious is one I introduced last week, and now use often...”holy crap, that’s hillair”. My 17 y/o daughter goes mental. “Ridic” instead of ridiculous is another. 

 

[Bob Loblaw]

I do the fake punch shtick, where I’ll fake guy punch them,they’ll ask what was that for, and I tell them it’s for getting in the way of my fist. Or do the fake gut punch for some other dumb reason, such as “that’s for hanging out with a bunch of nerds!” 

I like to fake punch/fight/wrestle/rough-house my son all the time.  He loves it, too. 

So, the other night (at-home date night with the wife, brown chicken brown cow), I'm making sure the kids are getting ready for bed so we can get started on our "date."  Earlier in the day, we had bought each of our kids some ####### squishy stuffed animal from Costco.  It's pretty big, about the thickness of a basketball.  So, I see my son carrying his "llama," and say to him, "Hold it in front of your gut.  Let's see how hard I can punch you."  In my mind, I'm thinking, "We always play fight, but this time I'll give him a little more since he's got this big ### pillow in front of him."

I've had maybe 3 DIPA pints in the last 2 hours at this point, so my judgement wasn't the greatest.  He proceeds to hold up the squishy in front of his gut, and I start to lay into him.  Then, panic sets in when I make first contact with the stuffed animal.  The gawd damn thing is actually squishy, like no protection, might as well have been holding nothing.  Well, I can't stop quick enough, and proceed to actually punch him.  It wasn't a full-on punch, but it wasn't a fake ### fake punch like I normally do either.  He gets this weird look on his face, and kind of moans out, "Ow," and starts to cry.  My wife (who's had a couple pints as well) comes around the corner and is all, " WHAT THE FCUK IS WRONG WITH YOU???"   So, I explain, and she's all, "I can't... even.. with you." 

Needless to say, date night was cancelled.

To make him feel better, she pulls up a clip of the Slap Bet from HIMYM on Youtube, and proceeds to tell him that he gets 5 hard punches to my gut whenever he wants.  Oh, and as the overseer, she gets 5 punches as well.  I love her so much. 

My kids finally went to bed. Me and the wife are re-hashing what just happened.  One thing leads to another, and date night is back on.  Well, just the part where I get to love on her. 

 

[Bob Loblaw]

Whenever one of my kids says that they have to go to the bathroom, and then start walking in that direction, I like to run and beat them to the spot.  Bonus points for shutting the door in their face.

 

[Bob Loblaw]

I love to play basketball, but don't get to too much any more.  And, for years now (like since I was a teen, 42 now), when moving throughout the house, I'll periodically pretend to do elaborate layups/dunks with an imaginary ball and slap the overhead door jamb, or I'll fake dribble around the house, breaking people's ankles, doing spin moves ending with a finger roll, or stop in front of a full length mirror and work on my step backs or free throw routine.  Well, my son has started picking up on it, and he'll now run up behind me and "block" my dunk, break my ankles, steal the "ball" from me, etc.  It's awesome.  The wife hates it.  It's even awesomer when our almost 7 y.o. daughter joins in, and yells out, "OHHH, get wrecked Daddy!!!"

 

[Osaurus]

Mrs. O and I have gone to Disney several times over the years and always see those family reunion folks sporting all their reunion gear in the parks.  I used to have a small side business as a consultant and created a cool logo.  Now when we go there or vacation places, we make T-shirts with the logo and something related to where we’re going.  For example, We just did “Big Island Retreat” with a little volcano with our logo and “Kauai Team Building” with a hibiscus flower for a Hawaii trip.  We have a deal where we play up our no longer existing business and see if we get any bites on the line.  It happens more often than not (especially at airports and on planes) and we start spewing info about a business that doesn’t exist.  People love it. She’s CIO and I’m CEO.  It’s a growing business.  Disney is still the best place though. People ask us all the time how big our reunion group is and we usually say roughly 20-40.  They usually say they haven’t seen anyone else wearing the same shirts, but we assure them they’re around. It’s amazing how gullible people are.  It’s amusing.

 

[Hastur]

My son is 13 and loves to play Minecraft with his friends online.  So he sits there with headphones and mic and talks to his friends while playing.  Every now and then I will yell out:

Collin, stop petting the dog there!

Collin, put your clothes on!

Collin, stop kissing the screen!

Collin, what are you doing with your sisters dolls?