What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Shtick You Use in Real Life (2 Viewers)

mr. furley said:
when the hostess asks if i have reservations

no, i'm pretty confident about eating here
Click to expand...
this i have also used, or a sloth variation, thereof ... primarily at heavily ethnic gigs (Korean, French, Viet, Thai)  they don't know whether to #### or shine shoes. 

 
See a student wearing a Deadpool shirt:  "I like your Spiderman shirt".

See a student wearing a Stranger Things shirt:  "You like Stranger Things?  Name 2 of their albums."

 
The stupid one I use all the time on my daughters..

Daughter "Dad, my stomach hurts"

Me "How's your face feel"?

Daughter  :rolleyes:

Me "Because it's KILLING ME!!"

 
ChiefD said:
Another one I use is when the kids ask where someone is. For example:

7 yo daughter: Where's mommy?

Me: In the mommy section

I've used this one so much the kids are using it now. The other day I asked the same question to my daughter. Got the same response. Couldn't stop laughing.  :lol:
Click to expand...
In our house, we borrow from Family Guy for this question.

Daughter: Where's Mommy

Me: I know where she is....

She's in your butt.

Wife: I can't find my keys.

Daughter: I know where they are...

They're in your butt.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I love to be real friendly with friendly looking stranger dogs and then when they love me back I always say "they must smell my dog on me". I own no dogs. Cracks me up on the inside every time and gets an eye roll from my lady. 

 
playin4beer said:
The stupid one I use all the time on my daughters..

Daughter "Dad, my stomach hurts"

Me "How's your face feel"?

Daughter  :rolleyes:

Me "Because it's KILLING ME!!"
Click to expand...
I usually go to, "well now your back's going to hurt because you just pulled landscaping duty."  And if the other kid is in the room, follow up with, "Any one else's stomach hurt?"

 
I do like to finish people's sentences for them when they pause mid-sentence and just start rambling off random, clearly incorrect and usually inappropriate things until they either finish their sentence or glare at me to quit.

Kid:  "Dad, have you seen my, ummm....."

Me:  "Baseball.....underwear.....Barbie......foot fungus."

Kid:  "DAD!!!  No, my backpack."

or

Wife: "What time are we supposed to be at, ummm...."

Me: "the gynecologist office.....your mom's.......the sex shop."

Wife: :rolleyes:   "church"

 
For several years my kids thought I was at one time a male cheerleader at Boston College. They politely pretended to think it was cool when I told them made up stories about “cheering my ### off at the big game” or the all-nighters practicing our routines.

Finally told them it was nonsense, but my 15 y/o son brought it back it back to life a few months ago. We were on the way to pick up his two buddies for hockey practice and he says “Dad, at school today I told Brendan an McGoo you were a cheerleader, play along.” And for the past four months a couple of times a week when we’re in the car with these clowns it’s our shared schtick. One kid tries to rag on me mercilessly, the other seems to actually think it’s as badass as I make it out to be. And my son just deadpans along with me. It’s awesome. 

 
Kid: Dad, do you know (homework topic)?

Me: No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.

Also use as many Caddyshack/Stripes quotes as possible.  My kids were so let down later when they found out their dad stole his material.

 
I use comic sans for my out of office email 

occasionally wife will ask where the dog or one of the kids is and I’ll pretend that animal/person never existed and that she’s crazy.  Doesn’t really work but i keep trying 

also if she gets a recipe from one of her friends and makes it again I’ll refer to it as Stacey Meatballs or whatever.  Oh you made Stacey meatballs...yum

finally the one that will get me divorced eventually (and there’s some backstory here but basically when I was a teenager my dad knocked up a barmaid.  Parents were going to try to work it out but my dad said he wouldn’t feel right if he wasn’t involved in the kids life.  Mom said something about not being able to deal with it and and my dad told her to just pretend he was going to work.  Divorce was immediately filed).  So anyway if I’m going out to a ballgame or something and she complains I’ll say “just pretend I’m going to work”. She f’n hates it

 
Dan Lambskin said:
I use comic sans for my out of office email 

occasionally wife will ask where the dog or one of the kids is and I’ll pretend that animal/person never existed and that she’s crazy.  Doesn’t really work but i keep trying 

also if she gets a recipe from one of her friends and makes it again I’ll refer to it as Stacey Meatballs or whatever.  Oh you made Stacey meatballs...yum

finally the one that will get me divorced eventually (and there’s some backstory here but basically when I was a teenager my dad knocked up a barmaid.  Parents were going to try to work it out but my dad said he wouldn’t feel right if he wasn’t involved in the kids life.  Mom said something about not being able to deal with it and and my dad told her to just pretend he was going to work.  Divorce was immediately filed).  So anyway if I’m going out to a ballgame or something and she complains I’ll say “just pretend I’m going to work”. She f’n hates it
Click to expand...
It's Stacy meatballs  :rant:

 
When at a restaurant, if others have their food before me, I always say “please go ahead, don’t wait for me”.  Then the moment they take a bite I act offended because I was just saying that to be polite.

 
Jayrod said:
I do like to finish people's sentences for them when they pause mid-sentence and just start rambling off random, clearly incorrect and usually inappropriate things until they either finish their sentence or glare at me to quit.

Kid:  "Dad, have you seen my, ummm....."

Me:  "Baseball.....underwear.....Barbie......foot fungus."

Kid:  "DAD!!!  No, my backpack."

or

Wife: "What time are we supposed to be at, ummm...."

Me: "the gynecologist office.....your mom's.......the sex shop."

Wife: :rolleyes:   "church"
Click to expand...
There's an improv exercise pretty much like this.  One person pauses mid-sentence, second person throws out 1-3 suggestions, first person picks one and goes with it.  

The year they were SNL cast members, Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest created a night watchmen pair of characters as a loose frame to improvise using this structure.

Crystal: The other day I took one of the those... ummm...
Guest: Meat thermometers?
Crystal: Yeah!  And I shoved it into my ear, right?  And then I took one of those... ummm...
Guest: Ball-peen hammers?
Crystal: Yeah!  And I whacked a few times, as far in as it would go.
Guest: Ouch!  that smarts.
Crystal: Yeah.  I hate it when that happens.  

 
When ending a call with any customer service and they ask "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeah, wash my car".  

 
D-Day said:
When ending a call with any customer service and they ask "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeah, wash my car".  
Click to expand...
Using it.

Back before Do Not Call lists and other telemarketing countermeasures... my uncle would try to hijack telemarketing calls and try to sell my aunt’s car to the telemarketer.  

“Well, I need to run out to the garage to see if I need extra light bulbs... while I head out there, let me ask you something: how do you get to work?  What if I could find you a gently-used sedan with great gas mileage that is practically maintenance-free?”

 
When walking with the family (on vacation, out to eat, street festival, whatever) and I'm trailing everyone, when the opportunity presents itself, I'll smack a stop sign with the palm of my hand as hard as I can (it make a VERY loud noise) and then immediately bend over holding my head like I'm in extreme pain.  When I do it now, bystanders think my family hates me because they don't react any longer :lol:  

 
When my kids were younger I used to open the door into my foot and then violently throw my head back like I opened the door into my face.  Be careful though - one of my kids, trying to replicate the gag, opened the door into her forehead for real :bag:  

 
Been using the old "repeat what my wife says but it a slightly different way" shtick for awhile. Usually when we are talking to the kids. For example:

Wife: Kids, we need to do a better job of keeping your rooms clean. Its embarrasing when your friends come over and see that.

Me: Yeah. Gotta keep those rooms clean so you aren't embarrassed when your friends come over.

This will go on for 5 or 6 minutes. It's been 12 years and she hasn't caught on yet.

 
Sweet J said:
Feel free to use:

For some reason, whenever someone uses the word "essay" in a sentence (comes up a lot, actually, with school age kids), I say "what's up, ese?"

so something like:

Kid 1: Dad, I can't believe I have to finish this 3 page essay by tomorrow!
Me: What's up, ese?
Kid 2: [Confused look]
Kid 1: Ignore him.

I. Can't. Stop. Myself.

Although my 17 year old did ask if I was being culturally insensitive.  So now I have to rethink my life decisions. 
Click to expand...
Yo don't get loco on us, ese.

 
Steeler said:
When walking with the family (on vacation, out to eat, street festival, whatever) and I'm trailing everyone, when the opportunity presents itself, I'll smack a stop sign with the palm of my hand as hard as I can (it make a VERY loud noise) and then immediately bend over holding my head like I'm in extreme pain.  When I do it now, bystanders think my family hates me because they don't react any longer :lol:  
Click to expand...
@ChiefD if you see this happen at the Ethnic Enrichment Festival at Swope Park this summer, go ahead and assume it's me.  

 
When the ice cream truck is playing music, it means it's out of ice creme.  I think Ray said that.

 
Reg Lllama of Brixton said:
See a student wearing a Deadpool shirt:  "I like your Spiderman shirt".
Click to expand...
For months I pretended to be convinced to my son and his friends that Spiderman and Deadpool were brothers.  They would try to show me proof this was untrue, but I would say something like "it was in the comics when I was a kid".

 
My nephews don't believe me that giving hi fives and first bumps after a missed free throw started with Ralph Sampson in the final four game in 1981.  I told them I went back and watched tapes and youtube videos each season until I narrowed it down to that game.

 
urbanhack said:
My nephews don't believe me that giving hi fives and first bumps after a missed free throw started with Ralph Sampson in the final four game in 1981.  I told them I went back and watched tapes and youtube videos each season until I narrowed it down to that game.
Click to expand...
brilliant

 
i used to tell my kids that i grew up speaking some wackass foreighn language that i was just making up like for instance ecudorian and then i was just say stuff like ich bist do beep bopnick and when they asked what i just said it was always get me a beer from the garage fridge take that to the bank bromigos 

 
Whenever I see an unattended phone ringing I like to answer it saying "This isn't even my desk" and then hang it up a' la the police captain in Se7en.

 
"hey i'm running late and rushing to make it on time"

"Russian? Well I'm Finnish." 

Also whenever someone tells me what they've ate today, I always reply with "well, you know what they say. You are what you eat." 

Whenever someone is referring to another person, I always say "So and so? That son of a ***** owes me money!"

Ex:

"Hey, Fred was telling me about how he tried the new pizzeria and loved it."

"Fred? That son of a ***** owes me money!" 

The look on their faces is always hilarious. 

Always work in movie references when possible. The more you use the same reference, the more annoying it is. 

"I really don't think that's a good idea. It just doesn't seem necessary."

"Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?" 

"Come on man. That's insane. It's pure madness."

"Madness? ThIS IS SPARTA!"

Or if someone is getting serious with me, I say "Why so serious" in my best Joker impersonation. Random stuff like that. 

 
My dad would always mess up the names of my different gadgets. Called my gameboy an "atari," my ipod was a "nintendo," my xbox was a playstation, etc. He did this with all my siblings' stuff too. Every time he did it, we'd all yell something like "Dad, it's called an XBOX!!!!" And then he'd call it a playstation again a couple hours later. Really riled us up. In hindsight it was total schtick, but at the time we just thought he was old and dumb.

 
caustic said:
My dad would always mess up the names of my different gadgets. Called my gameboy an "atari," my ipod was a "nintendo," my xbox was a playstation, etc. He did this with all my siblings' stuff too. Every time he did it, we'd all yell something like "Dad, it's called an XBOX!!!!" And then he'd call it a playstation again a couple hours later. Really riled us up. In hindsight it was total schtick, but at the time we just thought he was old and dumb.
Click to expand...
I think Belichick uses that same schtick with social media sites.

 
caustic said:
My dad would always mess up the names of my different gadgets. Called my gameboy an "atari," my ipod was a "nintendo," my xbox was a playstation, etc. He did this with all my siblings' stuff too. Every time he did it, we'd all yell something like "Dad, it's called an XBOX!!!!" And then he'd call it a playstation again a couple hours later. Really riled us up. In hindsight it was total schtick, but at the time we just thought he was old and dumb.
Click to expand...
I do this now. Sometimes it is on accident though.  Son had a gameboy when he was little.   Daughter 3ds.  I still say gameboy.  But most of the time its schtick

I do it with MyFace, FaceSpace, Interwebs etc

 
Steeler said:
When walking with the family (on vacation, out to eat, street festival, whatever) and I'm trailing everyone, when the opportunity presents itself, I'll smack a stop sign with the palm of my hand as hard as I can (it make a VERY loud noise) and then immediately bend over holding my head like I'm in extreme pain.  When I do it now, bystanders think my family hates me because they don't react any longer :lol:  
Click to expand...
This was my goto schtick for years.   When my kids were little we would go to Friendlys once a week.  There was a perfect "head" level Handicap parking sign as you walk in.  EVERY visit I'd pretend to hit my head.  My daughter would laugh her ### off.  "Again, daddy" "Again!!!!"  She would make sure everytime i would hit my head.  If people were around they would look "are you ok?"  That would make her giggle even more.    My daughter is 12 now and we go to that friendlys maybe twice a year now.   But every time she says "Daddy, watch your head" and of course I fake it and she laughs.

 
Nigel said:
For several years my kids thought I was at one time a male cheerleader at Boston College. They politely pretended to think it was cool when I told them made up stories about “cheering my ### off at the big game” or the all-nighters practicing our routines.

Finally told them it was nonsense, but my 15 y/o son brought it back it back to life a few months ago. We were on the way to pick up his two buddies for hockey practice and he says “Dad, at school today I told Brendan an McGoo you were a cheerleader, play along.” And for the past four months a couple of times a week when we’re in the car with these clowns it’s our shared schtick. One kid tries to rag on me mercilessly, the other seems to actually think it’s as badass as I make it out to be. And my son just deadpans along with me. It’s awesome. 
Click to expand...
True story.  A guy I went to high school with.  Played sports.  Went to college and became a male cheerleader.  He never cheered before.  This was '88/89.  So of course there was a lot of teasing especially back then.  He went on to marry his hot female cheer partner and is a bad ### in the secret service.  

That was a big FU for all the teasing.  I still hate him :)

 
urbanhack said:
My nephews don't believe me that giving hi fives and first bumps after a missed free throw started with Ralph Sampson in the final four game in 1981.  I told them I went back and watched tapes and youtube videos each season until I narrowed it down to that game.
Click to expand...
This is fantastic.  :lol:

 
playin4beer said:
The stupid one I use all the time on my daughters..

Daughter "Dad, my stomach hurts"

Me "How's your face feel"?

Daughter  :rolleyes:

Me "Because it's KILLING ME!!"
Click to expand...
:lmao:

I've done this with my softball team for the last 2-3 years.   Coach belljr my foot hurts.  "Really?  Hows your face feel".    

Now they either jsut ignore me or they go "Coach belljr,  my shoulder hurts and your face is killing me.  Or my shoulder hurts and my face feels fine"  :lmao:

 
When my step daughter was real young, she would "break" a toy and ask me to fix it.  I told her I had magic in my ears, so I would hold to toy up to my ear, snap the toy back together, and hand it back to her.  She was amazed.  I don't recall how long that worked on her, but far past the age that it should have.

My wife has a standard answer of "how do you know that" of "I learned that in mom school."  She had all the kids convinced you go to school when you become a mom and they teach you everything you need to know.  For a while they didn't protest, but once they got older, she still does it.  Anytime they give her lip or protest, she brings it up.  "Mom school taught me you need to clean your room."  Stuff like that. 

My longest running schtick is to repeat my dad's catch phrases:  No one can say the word purple without me responding "purple like maple syrple."  "You never know how much is enough unti you know how much is too much" gets a lot of play.  "Getting shot for everything except stealing horses" made very little sense to me as a kid, but I'm sure even less to the current generation.  Similarly, when a kid is proud of something they did the feedback of "you should be on a stage, one is leaving in half an hour" is probably confusing.

Occasionally I like to play the "I'm old and don't get technology" role.  One weekend we were on a short vacation to visit the step daughter who is now in college.  The kids were all obsesssed with Snapcat, so I relented and installed it on my phone.  I kept taking pictures in the hotel room and "snapping" them to everyone else and talking about how fun it was.  Then I would take a picture of myself with one of the stupid cat face filters and laugh hysterically like it was such a good time.  Of course now it is my main source of communication with the kids.

I also like to play dumb Belichick style and confusion social media names.  Snapface.  Instabook.  Stuff like that to make it seem like I'm out of touch.  Then, when one of my boys gets big in the britches and thinks they are actually more technically savvy than I am, I ask if they want to have a competition of unhooking and Xbox from one TV and attaching it to another and see who can do it faster.  They are 14 and 16, and sadly I don't think they could get it done if I gave them the whole weekend.

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

General Malaise
Can you remember a time in your life when you were totally free of stress? - White Lotus Inspired
2 3
Replies
120
Views
2K
General Malaise
General Malaise
tommyGunZ
Podcasts: What are you listening to?
Replies
15
Views
319
thecatch
T
the moops
What's a typical weekday for you?
2
Replies
85
Views
2K
MAC_32
MAC_32

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)
Back
Top