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10. Hurricanes to replace the Cards in the NFL, Upgrade for the NFL

Link: http://www.nfl.com/whatthehellisgoingon.htm

Clipped from: NFL.com

Article:

Hurricanes to replace the Cards in the NFL

Aug. 19, 2004

MIAMI, In a snapped team owners conference, Paul Tagliabue offered the other owners to replace the long unsuccessfully Arizona Cardinals with the College Team of the Miami Hurricanes. In the upcoming ballot, 31 of the 32 teamowners voted for Tagliabues motion. Only William V. Bidwill voted against the replacement, but his vote was weightless.

Already in the 2004 season, the College team should replace "the lame ducks of Arizona", Tagliabues quoting.

Officials of the University of Miami were astonished, cause they never had sent an application for a NFL entry. "We didn't apply for it! We didn't know, how the NFL came to this stride, but we will assume the challenge", an official of University of Miami pronounced.

Speculations came to conclusion, that Tagliabue got a hint from a member of the Fantasy Football internet site, Footballguys.com. On the message board such replacements were fervently discussed.

In Miami millions of homers started celebrating the upcoming battle between both Miami teams (Dolphins and Hurricanes), which will take place at November the 7th in the Pro Players Stadium.

"This is, what we all have dreamed about, it's so crazy, I just can't stand it", a passer-by was quoted.

Also Dan Marino, the former Dolphins Quarterback, greets the decision. "Paul (Tagliabue) did the right thing. The fans out there want to see them. Neither wanted to watch the Cards. Their house was sold out only when the Green Bay fans or other team fans took over. I'm glad, I can watch them both on November 7th!"

"This is an upgrade for the NFL!" Tagliabue announced at the official press conference. "Now we have again 32 teams battling for the trophy!"

[[[[[[[[[ Our View ]]]]]]]]]]]

Drop off all Cards player off your cheetsheets and take a quick look at our projections for the Hurricane players (for subscribers only) we published on our main site. At least we could say: each starter will be worth a pick. There is no team in the NFL that could not be beaten by the Hurricanes.

 
Falcons: Mora Signing has moves Falcons in Familiar Direction

Full Article:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/wire?section=nfl&id=1704757

Clipped From: Associated Press "Jim Mora gets his chance, again"

The buzz surrounding the Atlanta Falcons training camp this summer doesn't concern the health of QB Michael Vick or the signing of rookie cornerback Deangelo Hall, but instead the signing of a new head coach.

After a 2003 season that featured numerous injuries to key players (including Vick), and a disasterous 5-11 finish, Falcons owner Arthur Blank decided to reload for the 2004 season from the top down. Veteran coach Dan Reeves found himself without a job in favor of another experienced coach, Jim E. Mora (Ed. note: It is Jim E. Mora and not Jim Mora Sr. The younger Mora is Jim L. Mora.). After several months of meeting with players and installing his system, Mora is confident that the 2004 Atlanta Falcons will go the way of the 2001 Indy Colts.

"It's been great getting to know Michael Vick and some other exciting young playmakers, like Brian Finneran and Woody Dantzler. With this core of talent, I think we can see some things on offense this year."

When asked about his teams defensive failings last season, Coach Mora offered some insight gleaned from his years as the coach of the Colts.

"Let me start out saying this: Do NOT blame last season on the defense, OK? I don't care who you play, whether it's a high school team, a junior college team, a college team, much less an NFL team, when you turn the ball over 31 times . . . you ain't gonna beat anybody. Our offense was disgraceful as a unit. ... We gave it away. We gave away every frigging game. In my opinion, we sucked, and that's because of coaching.

You can't turn it over 31 times. Holy crap. I don't know who the hell we think we are when we do something like that ... We threw [5] interceptions returned for touchdowns. That might be a league record. I mean, it's absolutely pitiful to play like that . . . Horrible. Just horrible. Horrible."

He followed this up with a response to a question about his playoff expectations for the coming season.

"Playoffs? We can't talk about playoffs right now. Are you kidding me? Playoffs? I'm just hoping we can win a game, at least one game this season. Go talk to Denny Green about making the playoffs this year. Are you kidding me?"

On that note, when asked about the look of the team this year, Mora elaborated on his plan to install a new West Coast style offense centered around Michael Vick.

"Seeing how effective the West Coast offense has been against my teams in the past, we are gonna use a similar system here. We want to get Mike in the pocket and play to his strengths. If we can get him making longer reads and hitting the short pass, we might have a chance ... The thing about the West Coast offense is that it requires discipline. We don't need Mike taking off for gains outside of the pocket, we need him making reads inside the pocket... I admit I'm excited. From what I can tell, the players are trying to grasp what I am trying to accomplish here."

[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]

Considering the string of failures that Mora had with a talented Colts offense and a great quarterback in Peyton Manning, the Falcons might be in for another long season. His comments regarding a defense that ranked dead last in 2003 in yards allowed are not encouraging, and his focus on installing a new offense makes us apprehensive. Mora's enthusiam for a "Gulf Coast" type offense with Mike Vick standing in the pocket and making long reads does not play to his strengths, namely running the football when the pocket collapses. In short, the Falcon's Dt/St is not worth drafting this year, and in our latest projections we have bumped Vick down considerably.

 
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IRS To Tax Fantasy Football Winnings

Clipped from the Washington Post

August 19,2004

The IRS reminded taxpayers today that any winnings from fantasy football are required to pay taxes on. They also reminded taxpayers about new taxes on cigarettes, cigars, liquor, women, sleep, and eating.

"There are a ton of people out there making money on fantasy football. The IRS has been charged with collecting that income for the Government. We will do that to the fullest extent of the law." claimed Jester P.B. Wahacker in an IRS press conference. To show the IRS's determination in collecting all taxes on winning, Wahacker pointed to the recent arrest of two teenagers in Whitman, MA.

"Those two youths had recently won five dollars from their brother for a baseball game. They had not paid the required tax on those winnings. As a result, they were arrested again, and their parents will lose their house."

When pressed as to how much the tax could be on five dollars, Wahacker responded that it wasn't the amount, but the principal. This reporter figured out the tax on five dollars to be less than fifty cents.

"The amount is not why we are here. We are here to make sure the government gets what it is due." Wahacker responded.

The IRS laid out a plan to make sure that all fantasy leagues report the winnings of all members. They introduced new form 4n10 for all monies paid out in a league. League owners are required to file one of these forms with the IRS weekly.

"We expect a large number of people will look on this and be proud of their government's actions." Wahacker added.

[[[Our View]]]

Well, so much for a good thing. It seems that with the budget deficit, the War in Iraq, and the price of oil going up the IRS needs to do something. We can't wait for the press conference on tax on women, sleeping, and eating.

 
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NFL: League to Call It Quits.

Full Article:

NFL.com

NFL Newswire - In a stunning development this morning, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue has announced that the NFL will no longer exist, effective immediately.

"It was an interesting experiment," said the Commissioner at his press conference, "but I think everyone could see that it just wasn't working."

Players around the league breathed a collective sigh of relief when the announcement was made.

Said New York Giant's quarterback Eli Manning, "It's about @#%$ time, I was about to have to go out there!"

And Oakland defensive tackle Warren Sapp, "I'm free!!! No more slavemaster!"

[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]

That's it folks, you can all go home now.

In an unrelated event, footballguys.com would like to announce the changing of our domain name to -

fantasybowling.com

 
11. Brett Favre retired, papers sent to nfl

Link: http://www.nfl.com/futurehalloffamer.htm

Clipped from: NFL.com

Article:

Brett Favre retired

Aug. 19, 2004

GREEN BAY, Two days before the preseason game against the Saints at Green Bay, Favre announced his retiring.

"I had years of fun, playing in the NFL, I had success and it was a wonderful time, I never want to miss. But in the last year this sport gets worse. There are player holding out for more money, don't respecting the contract they got. There are players out there, never playing in the NFL before, earning millions and millions to hold a clipboard for half a year. There are players out there, hurting their wifes or having sex with minors or shoot or stagger down unknown people in nightclubs. There are players out there using cocaine or crack to be able to play or sustain pain or at least to have 'fun'. This cracks me up, this hurts my heart. There is no more fun in the game", Favre said in the extra terminated press conference.

Coach Mike Sherman still looked shocked, while Favre was telling, that he already had sent the retirement papers to the NFL office. "We have lost one of the best players of these game, if not the best", Sherman said later. "There is no replacement for Brett, there is no such player in the NFL. I will miss him." Saying this, tears started flowing down his face, but he didn't started wo whipe them away. "The Packers will miss him and above all the Fans will miss him" Sherman said in an awed voice.

"I know he won't come back", Doug Pederson answered a question about a possible return of Favre. "This was Brett Favre, who retired today, not Ricky Williams", he added.

The Packers now have to rely on the arm of Pederson, while Tim Couch failed to make progress on the Packers playbook. "I just called 1-800-QUARTERBACK, to secure, that we entered the list of team on the quest of a Quarterback", Robert E. Harlan, president of the Packers Executive Committee, announced. But he called attention that there are many teams on the list by now.

Players of the Packers went to the Green Bay Church praying for a comeback of the number 4. "We have to try all things that could bring Brett back to us", Ahman Green mumbled.

After the retirement of Favre, the Packers announced that the #4 will be retired and that the ceremony will take place at Lambeau Field at September 19th in the rivalry game against the Chicago Bears. It's reported that president George W. Bush will join the ceremony.

Also the NFL announced, that they have decided that all teams had to retire the #4 due to the memory of one player, which showed them all, how to handle their sentiments for the game.

Antonio Freeman said, that he will complain against the NFL decision. "I want to wear the #4, I decided to do so, to get my value back … ummm … to honour Brett, I meant."

[[[[[[[[[ Our View ]]]]]]]]]]]

This is bad news for the Packers. No, this is very bad news for the Packers and this is absolute very bad news for all Packers players FF-wise. If you have Driver, Walker, Franks or Ferguson in your team, start examine the waiver wire immediately. Don't try to pick up Pederson or Couch, which will be wasted picks.

We also raised Green two spots up, now he is the only weapon at the Packers Offense.

At least we have to tribute to a real hero for his decision.

 
Pats Give yet another player to the Bills

Clipped from The Buffalo Bills messageboard

Ty Law rejoins former teamate Lawyer Milloy in Buffalo

Buffalo NY-

Breaking news was reported out of Orchard Park, New York late last night. Tom Donahue, Bills GM made another surprising move gobbling up yet another player from the New England Patriots. Sources say that Ty Law will be arriving in Buffalo later this evening. It is speculated that Buffalo gave four to six fans and Drew Bledsoe for Ty Law.

Ty Law on coming to Buffalo: "Its a business and the Bills and Patriots have a verbal agreement on trading players to eachother for the next ten years" Over the past years the bills and patriots traded or signed such players as Ted Washington, Lawyer Milloy, Drew Bledsoe, and Antowain Smith.

Drew Bledsoe on coming back to New England: "Im not going to get to comfy here as I'll be back with the Bills in two years. We really do this for the fans to get into it alittle more. The Buffalo Bills figure that if they gave someone away like myself right before the season begins they could maybe have the luck the Patriots did last year of building even more team Chemistry and work threw a loss of Lawyer Milloy and go to the SuperBowl. This year the Bills will be in the same boat as the Patriots were last year except they will have to deal with the loss of myself. I just hope they can wait for me when i get back."

[[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]]

Both coaches did not need either player as the Bills are set at cornerback with the likes of Troy Vincent, Nate Clements and the Patriots at Quarterback with Tom Brady. The deal was more to comfort both fans as this off season did not have anything happen between the Patriots and Bills. From a Fantasy standpoint. The Bills secondary improves and should challenge for the NFL lead in yards allowed. As for the Patriots, They must be thinking Tom Brady is going to have the "Curse of the Engaged Athlete" That is currently on Tiger Woods' back. They added a solid backup to Brady and depth but this move hurts their secondary.

 
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26. Raiders sign free agent RB WilliamsLink: www.raiders.comClipped from: Raiders.comThe Oakland Raiders came to terms with free agent RB Nicky Williams. Williams, an undrafted rookie who has never played a down for the NFL, nor any known college football team, signed a 5-year deal worth $43 million including a $12 million signing bonus. Little is is known about Williams other than he claims to be the long lost twin brother of recently retired Dolphins running back, Ricky Williams.Nicky, who is a spitting image of Ricky, with the addition of a goatee, said "You look at what Ricky did for this league, so why shouldn't I, someone who is genetically the same as Ricky, but am not Ricky, have the same success?"Attempts to contact Ricky Williams were unsuccessful. His answering machine says "Hey, This is Ricky, leave a message. Oh, and that guy Nicky, he's not me."[[[[[[[[[ Our View ]]]]]]]]]]]Nicky joins a very crowded backfield with Tyrone Wheatley, Amos Zereoue, Troy Hambrick, Justin Fargas, Zack Crockett and J.R. Redmond. Surely a person who has never played a single down of football won't succeed in the NFL, much less make a team. But we have "Nicky" Williams ranked as our #7 RB and the other Raider runningbacks take a huge fall.

 
David Terrell suspect in injure for hire scheme

Full Article Link: http://chicagodaily/terrell/this_land

Clipped from: Chicago Daily Tribune, August 19, 2004

In a rare sequence of events, David Terrell is suspect in an injure for hire scheme with his former teammate Ronald Bellamy. Both Terrell and Bellamy have been known to pretend to be talented professional football players on several occasions. Bellamy was always mired behind Terrell while at Michigan until he earned a starting job his junior year. Bellamy was signed as a free agent by Miami and has spent his time on the developmental squad. It took a series of injuries to several of the Miami Dolphins wide receivers this pre-season before Bellamy got his chance. The injuries lead to an investigation by Head Coach Dave Wannstadt. “I knew there was something amiss when Ricky (Williams) up and quit on us” Wannstadt said. “He knew what was going on and didn’t want to get involved.” When questioned Williams responded by saying “Huh?, Yeah, oh that. Did I do something wrong? Huh? Who wants to know?”

Wannstadt went on to say that Boston was in the best shape of his life and no way could he have torn his ACL without some outside force. Kendall Newsons torn achilles is also suspect as he believes it happened in his sleep. “I thought I was dreaming when all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain in my leg. I looked up and saw a tall man in a Miami Hurricanes cap smiling at me. It looked like (David) Terrell but then I knew I was dreaming, ‘cause he’s from Michigan.”

Terrell’s motives are unclear but it is believed that he felt sorry for Bellamy and wanted him to be as successful as himself. Terrell has imposed a media blackout to this point, saying only that he'll talk "in September, when I do something."

[[[[[[[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

We’re just not sure what that means.

 
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Jamal Lewis, Quincy Carter and Ricky Williams on vacation in Asia this off season?

Joe Bryant an enemy of the Lewis, Carter and Williams.

Clipped from www.screwricky.com

Jamal Lewis, Quincy Carter and Ricky Williams PHOTO taken by Joe Bryant

Joe Bryant owner of Footballguys.com just arrived home from his long journey on vacation and while on it he ran into Jamal Lewis runningback Baltimore Ravens, Quincy Carter and Ricky Williams. At the time all three players were doing ok legally. While biking in Asia Joe Bryant saw the three walking out in suites out of a motel. Yes Motel. " Jamal was on a cell phone i believe and Ricky was smoking while Quincy was snorting. I took a picture and posted it above.

Joe on being called to testify on all three situations. "I wish i never said anything this is hurting Fantasy Football. There is now one less runningback and another who could miss a few weeks and another sleeper quarterback gone. I was enjoying my nice bike ride with Lance Armstrong and we rode past the three. Its a shame that the three's situations are all different they seemed so much alike when out together.

Ricky Williams on seeing Joe Bryant taking a picture of him:

"I saw some dude taking a picture of me and it sure as hell was not Dan Lebatard you know that guy who thinks he's my friend that keeps following me and taping my phone lines. The guy was on a bike, why he had a camera i don't know. I did nothing i was in Asia traveling abroad with my buddies getting a feel of being free. It felt nice. As for seeing me with a joint. I dont need to go to Asia to smoke weed"

Jamal Lewis on the same situation

"I was on a phone what's the big deal with that. I was talking to a friend. For him to tell people that i was on a phone whats the point of that he should of just continued his bike ride and did not even have to take out that darn camera"

Quincy Carter

Mr. Bryants camera has to have a horrible zoom feature I mean they did not even capture any white particles under my nose. I mean uhhhh It shouldn't have Ohhh crap Bill Parcels is going to kill me what am i going to do. I hate you Joe Bryant.

[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]

Subscribe to Footballguys.com for a low price now to find out which players are late round sleepers and steals to replace Jamal Lewis, Ricky Williams and Quincy Carter. Why Subscribe to Footballguys? Please Click Here

 
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WINNER LMFAO :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Jamal Lewis, Quincy Carter and Ricky Williams on vacation in Asia this off season?

Joe Bryant an enemy of the Lewis, Carter and Williams.

Clipped from www.screwricky.com

Jamal Lewis, Quincy Carter and Ricky Wiilliams PHOTO together in Asia

Joe Bryant owner of Footballguys.com just arrived home from his long journey on vacation and while on it he ran into Jamal Lewis runningback Baltimore Ravens, Quincy Carter and Ricky Williams. At the time all three players were doing ok legally. While biking in Asia Joe Bryant saw the three walking out in suites out of a motel. Yes Motel. " Jamal was on a cell phone i believe and Ricky was smoking while Quincy was snorting. I took a picture and posted it above.

Joe on being called to testify on all three situations. "I wish i never said anything this is hurting Fantasy Football. There is now one less runningback and another who could miss a few weeks and another sleeper quarterback gone. I was enjoying my nice bike ride with Lance Armstrong and we rode past the three. Its a shame that the three's situations are all different they seemed so much alike when out together.

Ricky Williams on seeing Joe Bryant taking a picture of him:

"I saw some dude taking a picture of me and it sure as hell was not Dan Lebatard you know that guy who thinks he's my friend that keeps following me and taping my phone lines. The guy was on a bike, why he had a camera i don't know. I did nothing i was in Asia traveling abroad with my buddies getting a feel of being free. It felt nice. As for seeing me with a joint. I dont need to go to Asia to smoke weed"

Jamal Lewis on the same situation

"I was on a phone what's the big deal with that. I was talking to a friend. For him to tell people that i was on a phone whats the point of that he should of just continued his bike ride and did not even have to take out that darn camera"

Quincy Carter

Mr. Bryants camera has to have a horrible zoom feature I mean they did not even capture any white particles under my nose. I mean uhhhh It shouldn't have Ohhh crap Bill Parcels is going to kill me what am i going to do. I hate you Joe Bryant.

[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]

Subscribe to Footballguys.com for a low price now to find out which players are late round sleepers and steals to replace Jamal Lewis, Ricky Williams and Quincy Carter.
Click to expand...
 
I don't care if you know my namei aimed direct connected and showed my friend. But how do i get the picture to show up on the message board
Click to expand...
upload it to a goecities site or something.
 
Patriots: Bill Belichick Resigns, Rich Kotite Named as Replacement

Clipped from the Boston Globe

August 19,2004

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick announced his resignation effective immediately citing an unspecified health issue. Without hesitation the Patriots have filled the position with former New York Jets and Philadelphia Eagles headman Rich Kotite.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft refused to go into much details regarding Belichick's medical condition instead choosing to discuss the surprise hiring of Kotite to lead the team as they attempt to win their 3rd Super Bowl in 4 years. "Some people may question this move of going with Rich Kotite, but these same people were questioning this organization when we gave up a 1st round draft pick for Bill, or when we decided to go with an unproven QB named Tom Brady. Haven't you people learned anything yet? I'm <expletive> golden!"

Kotite was quick to defend his prior record and ability while also acknowledging his weaknesses. "Perhaps instructing my Quarterbacks to intentionally throw interceptions was not the best strategy, but offense was never my strong suit. That is why I'm bringing in Steve Spurrier as my Offensive Coordinator." QB Tom Brady seemed less than enthusiastic about the changes but pledged the team would a prime challenger. "I suppose things won't be much different than they have been the past couple of years, as long as I have time to throw I'll...huh, what?...oh crap". Kotite announced that the first order of buisness was to find a RB to fit the new offensive scheme as Cory Dillon did not seem to be what Spurrier needed.

[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]

This is suddenly an unstable condition in New England and bears watching throughout training camp and the first part of the season. Downgrade Tom Brady, but upgrade Rohan Davey to sleeper as he is sure to see time after Brady is injured. We'll have to see what happens to Dillon before deciding his ranking. If he stays with the Patriots then he is a definite downgrade.

 
J.Lewis to sit out entire season

Want's to focus on trial

Link - www.baltimoresun.com

Stunning the football world, Jamal Lewis has annouced that he will sit out the entire season if necessary to focus on the drug conspiracy charges he is facing. On a short phone call he said, "I didn't do any drugs, I didn't even get any - why the fed's wanna bust me for talking about them I don't know, but we're gonna fight this with everything we have. For me to play football with this hanging over my head wouldn't be fair to the Ravens, the NFL or the leagions of fantasy football players that have already drafted me at #7."

When asked about the timing of his announcement, he said that he wanted to wait as long as possible to make sure he doesn't lose his starting job when he's ready to come back.

The prosecutors said, "we are glad he is gonna sit out this year. That will just bring more publicity to us, uhh.. I mean this case, and when we win, we'll be huge - I mean justice will have been done."

[[[[[[ Our View ]]]]]]]

Jamal might still come back after the trial, assuming he isn't in the All Jail league. With the new focus on the trial, he should be able to beat the rap no problem now. Drop him down the rankings, but look for him late as a sleeper for your playoffs.

 
Wheelchair WR to NFL: I Want to Play!

Clipped From: Crippled Quarterly

Full Article: http://www.crippledquarterly.com

Cody Carlson has fought the odds his entire life. He’s chosen to pick his next fight with the NFL.

In a lawsuit filed Tuesday in a United States court, Carlson feels the NFL is discriminating against him because he is in a wheelchair. He has filed suit against the NFL to allow him to play, wheelchair included.

“I am being discriminated against because I have no legs. That is not fair. Casey Keller is allowed to use a golf cart; I should be allowed to use my wheelchair.”

Scouts believe Carlson has what it takes to make it in the NFL. “He scoots at a sub 4 second 40 in that motorized chair. He can make great cuts, and is difficult to jam on the line of scrimmage. Plus, his upright wheelchair and wingspan mean he’s still much taller than most cornerbacks and can ‘outleap’ them to the ball. As a former basketball player, he’s got soft hands like other former hoopsters Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez. And he's tough to bring down. This kid is the real deal. If this were a kid with legs instead of a chair teams would be drooling over him.”

Carlson, who lost his legs in a skydiving accident, uses a patented upright motorized wheelchair to move around. Before he lost his legs, he was a Division III basketball player at tiny St. John’s University (Minn.), better known as the home of legendary football coach John Gagliardi. Because he was formerly nearly 7 feet tall, he now measures nearly 6 foot 6 inches in his specially designed wheelchair featuring customized movement controls.

“This lawsuit won’t affect the integrity of the game. I don’t view my wheelchair as giving me an unfair advantage. If anything, it is a disadvantage. You ask any NFL player if they’d rather have legs or a wheelchair and I think you’ll find the answer unanimous. I have the skills to play. Just no legs.”

[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]

Keep on eye on this cripple. If he wins his lawsuit he obviously has some huge upside. Anyone with that type of skill will make a huge impact.

 
Wheelchair WR to NFL: I Want to Play!
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:lol: When you mentioned that he is tough to bring down, could have said something about his knees never touching the ground since he doesn't have any.

 
Kellen Winslow Jr. Falls Prey to Veteran Hazing.

Link: www.clevelandbrowns.com

Clipped from: Cleveland Observer

Rookie Tight End Kellen Winslow Jr. was the victim of hazing at the Cleveland Brown's training facility.

Last night Kellen was found hog tied, naked, and completely shaven, in the middle of the practice feild.

When the restrictive bobber was removed from his mouth by a janitor, Kellen said, "someone's going to pay for this". An anonymous source said that Kellen needed an attitude adjustment. He got exactly what he deserved. An unnamed QB stated that Kellen has a purty mouth.

Coach Davis was quoted as saying, "this was done in good fun and it's typical rookie hazing."

[[[[[[[[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

We've just moved Kellen up our charts. The new hairless, aerodynamic Kellen should improve on his 40 time. Bryant's concerned over his lack of pubic hair. He's been demasculated. The lion has no mane. Dodd's disagrees. He feels the lack of hair makes him look bigger.

 
Peter Warrick and Ahman Green Out for Remainder of Preseason

Clipped from : Associated Press

Link : http://www.associatedpress.com/story/2000040541/c26dd5r.html

CINCINNATI (AP) - Peter Warrick is expected to miss the remainder of the preseason due to an unspecified stomach ailment. During an intrasquad scrimmage yesterday, Warrick became violently ill, regurgitating repeatedly on the practice field. Apparently, the illness was caused by wideout T.J. Houshmandazeh breaking wind in the huddle.

"TJ eats all that curry and spicy Indian food," receiver Chad Johnson explained. "I don't know what happened. All I heard was '96 Fly Blue [***RRRRRRRRRRRIP !!!!***] on 1...break !' I turned around and Pete was throwing up all over the field. It was nasty, dog. I'm just glad I wasn't the one standing next to his stank a--."

Warrick's agent released a brief statement :

"Peter is fine, although he is still extremely nauseous. He recalls little of the incident. I spoke with him this morning and he informed me that he remembers getting into the huddle. Apparently TJ farted, and the next thing Peter remembers is being in the hospital room. No long-term memory loss is apparent, and we are confident that Peter will be ready to play week 1. We are, however, asking for Houshmandazeh to be cut immediately."

GREEN BAY (AP) - Packer running back Ahman Green will miss several weeks with swollen eyes. Apparently Green had been experimenting with using feminine hygiene pads to prevent the sweating problem which has caused him to lose an astounding 39 fumbles the past 3 seasons. Strapping the pads to his forearms seemed to curb the fumbling, but not the abuse hurled at Green by teammates. In what appeared to be intended as a harmless prank, receiver Donald Driver unloaded a can of FDS deodorant spray in Green's direction, accidentally hitting him directly in the eyes. Green dropped to the floor writhing in pain and was rushed to a nearby medical facility. Reports indicate he is no longer feeling any significant pain, but his vision is still blurry enough to keep him out of the Packers' final 3 preseason games. His agent reports that he is in good spirits, however, and does smell "April fresh."

[[[[[[[[OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]

This is obviously not good news for Warrick or Green owners. If the Warrick situation persists, it may be time to bump Kelley Washington up your draft board. We understand he has taken to breaking the filters off of cigarettes and jamming them up his nose before entering the huddle. The Green situation also bears watching.. it's good that he is an olfactory delight, but you get no fantasy points for smelling good. Stay tuned.

 
Lawrence Phillips to return to NFL...again

Full article link: He's ba-aack!

Clipped from: Arizona Republic, August 19, 2004

Lawrence Phillips is coming back to the NFL…again. This time around however, he will be on the other side of the line of scrimmage. Phillips, the often-troubled former NFL running back, is returning to the NFL as a linebacker. Back in March, Phillips sent out some feelers to various NFL teams about a possible comeback. Only one team responded – the Arizona Cardinals. Phillips worked out for head coach Dennis Green, and Green liked what he saw. “I thought Lawrence looked good. He had quickness and agility, but I felt like he would have a better chance on the defensive side of the ball.”

Since then, Phillips has been working out with the Cardinals as a linebacker and special teams player. Said linebackers coach Frank Bush, “We saw Lawrence as a project, and he has really improved in his workouts. We think he could be a really good linebacker.” Phillips has made such an impact on the coaching staff that besides being on the kickoff and put coverage units, he is being used as a linebacker. Defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast agreed with Bush’s assessment. “We plan to really use Lawrence during the pre-season, and make sure that he can handle the assignments that he’s given. I think he’s going to make this team and contribute on defense as well as special teams.”

People will certainly remember Phillips as the former #1 pick (#6 overall) by the Rams in 1996. Since that time, he has been signed and released by both the Dolphins and 49ers, as well as teams in NFL Europe, the AFL, and the CFL. He has also had legal problems, like the domestic violence charge, to which he pleaded no contest, drunk driving and battery charges. But the 29-year-old former Nebraska stand-out is not convinced that his playing days are over. In fact, he believes they have just begun. “I have had my troubles in the past, both on and off the field, but I think I have learned a lot from them. I spent some time in jail, and I learned a lot about who I am and what I enjoy doing. For example, I know I enjoy hitting people. Being a linebacker is going to allow me to do that legally. I’m channeling all this energy into hurting the opposition. It’s really fun.”

When asked about his abilities as a linebacker, Phillips proudly proclaimed, “I think I can be the best in the league. I see tough guys like Ray Lewis doing it. He ain’t so tough. I’m tougher than him. He hasn’t spent any time in a cell with a guy named Bubba like I have. When I see a running back or a wide receiver coming toward me, I’m going to think about my own missed opportunities and focus on making that player pay for coming into my neighborhood. He’s not gonna want to come near me again.”

Phillips was asked about people who have helped him in his recovery. “I talked a lot to Mike Tyson. Mike and I have become real close. He’s really helped me to get in touch with my anger and direct it toward other players on the field instead of people in my life. I’m a happier person now.”

As an example, the Cardinals first preseason game against the Vikings showed two brilliant moments, where Phillips’ true abilities as a linebacker and special teams player were showcased. On a third-and-goal play from the one-yard line, the Vikings’ rookie running back Mewelde Moore took a handoff and was promptly stuffed 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Moore’s helmet landed 5 yards beyond that. “He nailed me good”, Moore said. “It’s like he knew what was coming, and just blew through the line. All I remember is him saying something about a ‘Bubba’, and then I was flat on my back.”

Later, on punt coverage, he blasted through the Cardinals’ blockers and flattened returner Keenan Howry after a 2-yard gain. “He was on top of me so quickly, I had nowhere to go”, Howry said. “He hit me hard. I remember him saying something about a ‘Bubba’, but I don’t recall exactly what it was. It all happened so fast.”

So what will the future hold for Lawrence Phillips? Will he make it in this attempt to reinvent himself, or will this latest return end in a similar result as his other attempts? “I’m here to stay”, says Phillips. We’ll all find out soon enough.

[[[[[[[[[[[Our View]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Phillips is not worth a roster spot at this time, although he may be of interest to people in an IDP league, or those named 'Bubba'.

 
MIKE TICE PUBLICLY FLOGGED

]

Clipped from Associated Press

St. Paul (AP) - Mike Tice, notorius arch enemy of fantasy football players across the nation, was served his just desserts Thursday as an angry mob of football fanatics decked in Onterrio Smith jerseys grabbed the head coach from a local eatery around noon. The mob which shouted "say no to RBBC" was seen taking turns whipping the bare a**ed coach repeatedly in the square of St. Paul.

[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]

Although we dont condone violence here at Footballguys we must say we saw this one coming. The man toyed with the emotions of the ever growing fantasy football world too long and this beating was inevitable. This should serve as an eye opener to all other coaches around the league that are toying with RBBC....Just say No!

 
#1 COACH COUGHLIN (NYG) TO TRY STAND-UP COMEDY

Full Article:

http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/gen/wire?messageId=26136741

"I've alway been a funny guy, it's just that so few people know it!" With this pronouncment Coach Tom Coughlin, Head Coach of the NFL's New York Giants, revealed today that he will be attending "open mike" opportunities at the various comedy clubs sprinkled around the greater metropolitan area of New York City.

"I tried it out when I was in Jacksonville and I think I did pretty well" said Coughlin. He admits that on two seperate occassions he "snuck into" Guido's Grill and Grotto Spaghetti Palace and Comedy Haven and did a "10-15 minute stand-up routine" each time. "Jacksonville," Coughlin says, "is such a small town, I mean Guido's is one of only two clubs. The other club that had 'open mike' time was 'The Rough Riders Lavendar Lounge' - I just didn't feel it was the kind of crowd for my type of humor. I mean, I'll stop in there for a daquari now and then, but I just didn't feel the guys would appreciate my cerebral kind of humor," said Coughlin with a large grin.

Coughlin concedes that in order to maintain anonymity during his two trial "open mike" expereiences in Jacksonville he had to wear a dress. "It was no big deal...I wore a flowered mu-mu kind of thing...I thought it looked quite nice. My wife let me borrow it. She's never had any difficulty with me wearing her clothes as long as I bring them home clean." With this Coughlin broke into a loud, laughing/giggle. "I'll have to work that into my routine...you know the 'bring it home clean line'."

When pressed as to the content and type of his comic routine Coughlin grabbed the interviewer around the neck, administered a gentle "noogie" and laughing said "...well I guess you'll just have to come to the show now, won't you?" After catching his breath Coughlin finally agreed to give what he called "a little sneak preview" of his material.

"So two defensive tackles are in the shower, and one of them drops the soap...they just stand there looking at each other for the longest time and finally the other tackle gestures to the soap and then to the other player and says, 'Ladies FIRST'!" Repeatedly slapping his knee, Coughlin was barely able to utter, between the laughter and the tears streaming down his face, "....I...write...my own...material...my god, so funny...."

[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]]

As most football analysts know Coughlin has bought a certain airiness and lightness to the all-to-somber training camp atmosphere of the NFL. It will be interesting to see if this new tone will have an impact upon the New York Football Giants when the season starts for real. However, several fantasy team owners, upon hearing of Coughlin's comedy routine, have moved the Giants up a notch or two on their projection boards. We advise a "wait and see" stance at this time... ("wait and see"...get it?...)

 
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B. Gramatica injures hamstring during coin tossThe Giants recently signed place kicker, Bill Gramtica, was injured during the coin toss of the Giant's game last night. The Giants had called 'Heads' and the toss came up 'Heads', causing Gramatica to "...jump for joy!" said a teammate.Defensive end Michael Strahan gave his account of the bizarre injury. "We had the team huddle, and the Komanda.., I mean, Coach, asked "Who feels lucky?" and Bill starts yelling, and I mean yelling, 'ME! ME!". And I'm like, "Hey! We're all standing right here. Ain't none of us deaf!", but he just goes running out out there yelling "HEADS! HEADS!". Well, they flip, and damn if it don't come up 'heads', and just jumps up and lets out another yell, you know, like 'Jumping for joy' or something, and then he crumbles to the ground holding his leg.""So, they get him on the stretcher, and some of the guys are saying "Not again!" and Tiki asks "Do we shoot him?" and Eli says, "No, that's just horses" and everyone gets into a big argument about it, and we end up taking a vote. I thought we were voting about if it's just horses they shoot, but is seems the vote was actually about shootin' Billy. I believe I might have voted 'yes', but I thought I was voting 'horse', you know what I'm sayin'? Even after changing my vote, it seems that 'shoot' had a pretty good margin.""So anyways, by that time they had him in the ambulance, and he was out out the stadium."Gramatica had injured his back earlier in the week and was not expected to play tonight. Readers may recall an incident when Gramatica was kicking for the Arizona Cardinals two years back where he hurt himself celebrating an extra point in the first quarter of a game. There was also a report of Gramatica receiving severe paper cuts during this off-season while trying to open a letter from Publishers Clearing House that was marked "You may be a winner". In that incident, a neighbor walking his dog found the semi-conscious place kicker laying in a small pool of blood at the curbside mumbling 'Winner" with the mailbox open and mail scattered about.There was no further report of the severity of the injury tonight. This morning the Giants announced the signing of "Gus", no last name was given, who had previously played for "... a Walt Disney team..." according to a Giants source that asked to remain anonymous. This reporter could find no other information at NFL or College archives on the player.
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:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: This contest is rigged if this one isn't chosen. Pure gold.
 
From the Cleveland Steamer:

EXTRA!!! "Spike Lee to Coax Jim Brown out of Retirement"

http://www.wayimages.com/data/168/10929552...pike_browns.jpg

Reporting by **** Beninya

Acclaimed filmmaker Spike Lee has coaxed Jim Brown out of retirement. Sources close to the Steamer revealed that Lee originally met with the legendary Cleveland Browns running back last Wednesday evening during a private screening of "Benji: Off the Leash."

When asked at an impromptu news conference late Wednesday afternoon why the 68-year old NFL Hall of Famer/actor/inner-city activist would risk dehydration, injury, or death to return to the football field, Lee replied, "'Cause the Browns need a running back. Plus, he just don't give a ####!"

A native New Yorker, Lee normally supports his beloved Giants, but saw little chance that Mr. Brown would supplant either Tiki Barber or Ron Dayne at the running back position this season. In addition, the timing may be opportune, for Brown is slated to star as a party favor salesman in Lee's upcoming epic "Krumping in Harlem." Mr. Brown's taste in peculiar hats has also left him approximately $12 million in debt.

As for challenging the current Cleveland Brown RB core of Lee Suggs and William Green, Brown explained, "Man, they ain't ####!!! Suggs buggs! And didn't lil' William get his rear kicked by his woman last season? ####!!!"

Sources also say that Brown is somewhat threatened by rumors of new QB Jeff Garcia's ambiguous sexuality, but Brown said, "As long as he's not setting me up for no shovel passes, I don't care!"

Brown will immediately join the team and may suit up for the Brown's preseason game this Saturday against the Detroit Lions.

"I'm absolutely ecstatic!" Cleveland Browns HC Butch Davis Davis exclaimed. Terms and conditions of Mr. Brown's contract offer are pending.

*****Our View*****

Whoa! What a difference a week makes! We currently peg Brown as the #8 RB, but his value may rise as we move closer to Week 1. We'll keep you posted!

That's all for tonight folks!

 
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Oakland Raiders Sign Amen Hotep II

Full Article: http://oi.uchicago.edu/OI/IS/WENTE/NN_Win95/NN_Win95.html

Clipped from: Sacramento Bee (I. P. Freely)

In a reversal of the recent youth movement highlighted by the releases of wide receiver Tim Brown and running back Charlie Garner, the Oakland Raiders announced Thursday that they had agreed to terms with Amen Hotep II, a 3,000 year-old mummy and former Pharaoh of Egypt. Terms of the deal were not released, but the length of the contract is believed to be one year. Hotep will play running back, and join a fierce competition for the starting role in the Raiders' backfield.

"We first started talks with Amen's agent when we learned that he had been clocked at 4.26 in a 40 yard dash," said Oakland running backs coach Skip Peete. "It turned out that he was clocked at 4 minutes and 26 seconds, rather than 4.26 seconds, but while he's not going to run away from anyone, he sure can move the pile!"

Al Davis, the maverick owner and president of the Raiders franchise, has long been known for his controversial decision-making, which included moving the Raiders to Los Angeles in 1982, and then back to Oakland 13 years later. In the press conference, a Raiders spokesman stated that Hotep was signed because of his unique physical tools, and not merely as a publicity stunt. When asked if he thought that having a member of the undead on the team might give Oakland an unfair advantage, he stated, "Mr. Davis and his advisors have been over the NFL rulebook with a fine-toothed comb, and nowhere does it explicitly forbid the use of dead, or undead, players. We would encourage other teams in the league to pursue this largely neglected demographic."

"He really is strong, though," strength and conditioning coach Jeff Fish added during a post-conference question and answer session. "He can bench press all the weight we can fit on a barbell, and you wouldn't believe the things he's done already in practice sessions. I saw him carry Warren Sapp for 30 yards. Not just drag him, but physically carry him, under one arm!" Raiders coaches were all enthusiastic about the signing, although they did point out two problems that Hotep has caused thus far--the 30 roles of bandages he goes through every practice, and the time-consuming chore of translating Oakland's playbook into hieroglyphics.

There was no official reaction from the office of league commissioner Paul Tagliabue, but one key member of Tagliabue's staff, speaking on condition of anonymity, characterized the signing as a farce. "What's next," he asked in obvious exhasperation, "a werewolf?"

Indeed, Hotep's agent, Vlad D. Impaler, confirmed that the Scottish Claymores of NFL-Europe were already in negotiations to contract another of his clients, Wolf Man. "He's a ferocious blocker," Impaler said. "Well, he's pretty ferocious, period. But think about the marketing potential in London, alone!"

Should Hotep make the Raiders' final roster, he will become the first Egyptian national to play in the history of the national football league. Oakland's average age among rostered players would move to just over 84 years, the highest figure in the league. Two years ago, the Raiders went to the Super Bowl as the oldest team in the NFL.

[[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]]

The signing of Hotep adds to an already crowded backfield--he will join the competition for starting running back between Tyrone Wheatley, Justin Fargas, Amos Zeroue, and Troy Hambrick. While we're not sure that Hotep will emerge as a contributor, or even win a spot on the final roster, this has to be seen as a lack of confidence in the other backs, especially Wheatley. Go here for our latest projections on Wheatley and the rest of the Oakland RBs.

No word yet on whether the the management of Oakland's Network Associates Coliseum has purchased a copy of "Walk Like An Egyptian" to play during home games.

 
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Footballguys Breaking News - Sanders Contemplates ComebackHey Folks,No confirmation on this yet but in keeping with our policy that when we know it you know it, here's the latest out of Detroit.Full Article: http://www.detroitpress.com/latestnews/sto...2.ab5e7f8b.htmlClipped From: The Detroit Morning Press (JEAN-JACQUES TAYLOR)The Lion's front office today announced that they have give hall of famer Barry Sanders permission to talk with other teams regarding a possible comeback bid. Spokesman John Eldrich said "We have no interest in preventing Barry from returning to the league with another franchise." The news came this morning after League Commissioner Paul Tagliabue urged Lion's owner William Clay Ford to free up Sanders for a possible return to the league.At them same time the Denver Sun is reporting that Broncos coach Mike Shanahan has agreed to attended a private workout session at Sanders' home outside Detroit Michigan on Thursday and that Sanders will be in attendance at Denver's Saturday night game in Seattle. This comes just 2 days after news that Denver has begun negotiations with wide receiver Rea Carruth in an attempt to fill holes in their ailing receiving corp.[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]This looks to be a huge development for the Broncos. Shanahan has been quoted recently expressing reservations about Quentin Griffin's ability to stand up to the grind of a 16 game NFL season. Our sources say that Sanders is in incredible shape and could be ready to go as early as week 4 of the regular season. His long lay off makes him a risk at this point but it IS Barry Sanders. Keep an eye out for him in later rounds of your draft as the talent begins to thin out. **/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/We'll bring you more on this developing story as we hear it.Joe*******************Joe BryantOwner www.footballguys.comWhy Subscribe to Footballguys.com?http://footballguys.com/whysubscribe.htm
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At first I thought you were using Deion Sanders' comeback attempt as a default "the truth is stranger than fiction" entry...
 
Terrell Owens Admits to Affair With Jeff Garcia

Full Article: Playgirl.com

In a stunning development, Terrell Owens says that he himself is gay, and has had a long standing affair with Jeff Garcia.

"We were just having a spat, that was all", Terrell recently told newly hired reporter Phillip Rivers (Phillip Rivers gives up on Chargers, joins Playgirl.com staff).

When Rivers contacted Garcia, at first Garcia was adamant he didn't know what he was talking about. "I am not gay, I never have been gay, I never will be gay", Garcia was quoted as saying. After Rivers delivered a love poem from Owens, Garcia recanted. "Oh, it is just so wonderful to have this out in the open. And look at this stationary, isn't it just devine?"

When Andy Reid was asked about this, he first said "no comment". But, as he walked away, he turned around and said, "I always KNEW there was something weird with him only wearing tights!"

[[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]]

Well, this is an interesting development. I'm sure the eyes of the NFL will be on Cleveland during week 7 of the season when the Eagles ... come to town.

 
REDSKINS WORRIED ABOUT GIBBSSince the beginning of training camp the Washington Redskins have been keeping a deep, dark secret: Joe Gibbs is beginning to do a "Ronald Regan." Simply stated, and with all due respect, reports out of the Redskins camp have led veteran players, reporters, and front office personnel to all conclude that Coach Gibbs is no longer able to distinguish between NASCAR and the NFL. Reports secreted out of the camp, and revealed to reporters anonymously, indicate the following incidents:- On the first day of camp Coach Gibbs dictated that all players must speak in a pronounced southern drawl; he's reported as saying "I don't give a damn if you grew up and went to school in New England...if y'all gonna be on my team you're gonna speak 'southern', darn it."- Shortly thereafter Gibbs asked that all players reveal their middle names. An annonymous source says that EVERY player is now know by two names. "The first name must end in a "y" or at least sound that way, and it's matched with the players middle name" the source reported. Mark Brunell has been dubbed "Marky Allen," Clinton Portis is "Clinty P." (primarily because Portis has no middle name). Owner Dan Snyder has not been spared this idiocynratic demand and is referred to by Gibbs as "Danny Dan."- The first week of August every player was given driving gloves. Some players, it has been reported, are miffed that they are "leatherette", not "the real stuff."- It has been very distracting, according to reports, that every time someone makes an extra special play during practice Gibbs drives a car out onto the field, has an attractive blond present a cup-like trophy to the player, and waves a checkered flag. Allegedly, two weeks ago Friday, 21 presentations were made by Gibbs during one practice session.- While unconfirmed, it's being alleged that Gibbs intends to have his team do several victory laps along the "track" after every win.- Only Dr. Pepper is served at the training table. In combination with the pork rinds, ribs, barbecue, grits, and ham hocks every meal is served without utensils.- NASCAR racing helmets have replaced the regulation NFL helmet. The Commissioner's Office is reportedly very concerned about the fire ######ent uniforms.- Every player has to fill out a geneology chart. If your father was an NFL player and/or a NASCAR driver you are guarranteed a spot on the roster and/or your own race car.- Coach Gibbs's car tires are changed every half hour by the player(s) who have shown the best hands in practice.While Coach Gibbs has appeared quite normal and centered in his press conferences some insiders disclose that they must tell him that he's going to be meeting with "race reporters" or he won't attend the press conference. To many this finally explains the frequent use of terms like "clutch down" and "up on the wall" and "drafting" (many thought for some time that Gibbs was still talking about the NFL Draft).[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]There does not seem to be any substance to this rumors. Albeit, Gibbs always walks in a counter-clockwise fashion, these reports are typical of the rumors and innuendoes that are legend during training camp. We recommend "pedal to the metal" for Gibbs/Redskins in your draft.

 
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Ricky Williams to wed troubled rock star Courtney Love

Clipped from: www.hightimes.com

SOMEWHERE IN ASIA - More stunning news in the Ricky Williams saga, as Courtney love admitted in a recent interview that Ricky Williams proposed to her.

The two apparently met in a New York City crack house and have been inseperable since. Ricky Williams has not been reached for comment.

Among other things Love disclosed...

"Meeting Ricky has given me a whole new perspective at life. He has taught me to accept my heavy drug use and adapt my life around it, instead of trying to stay sober. And wow, what they say about black men is true. Which comes in handy, since I haven't exactly been pinching a nickel between my knees."

Love also noted that Ricky would be changing his last name to Love, since he has been calling himself the love machine anyway.

Currently it is unknown who will wear the dress at the wedding.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[OUR VIEW]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Ladies and Gentleman, CRACK KILLS.

That's all for today,

J

 
Winslow Practices with Second Unit, Begins New Holdout

Clipped from the Browns Website

Link: www.takingthebrownstothesuperbowl.com/winslow/holdouts/#2/081604.htm

August 16, 2004

BEREA, OH - Cleveland Browns head coach Butch Davis liked what he saw from his first round draft pick. It was time to see a little bit more.

When Davis posted an updated depth chart in the locker room before this mornings practice session, there was only one change in the assignments. Rookie tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. had been moved up from third string to second, ahead of Darnell Sanders. Winslow had worked with the second unit a few times over the past few days, but he had not been officially moved to the second unit until today.

Winslow took the field for the morning session and worked with the second unit. He dropped two catchable passes from QB Kelly Holcomb, but also broke free for an 80 yard touchdown by lowering his shoulder and leveling backup strong safety Michael Jameson during a non-contact passing drill.

The rest of the Browns returned for another spirited practice session this afternoon, but Winslow's day was done.

Winslow's agent Kevin Poston informed the Browns this afternoon that due to his promotion within the organization, Winslow will not report to practice until his contract has been renegotiated. "As a third stringer," Poston told reporters, "Kellen was worth $40 million to this team. Now that he is a true second string player, he is obviously far more valuable. As soon as the Browns are willing to reflect his enhanced value with a fair, market value compensation package, Kellen will be back at practice ready to lead the team to the Super Bowl."

Seven days ago, the sixth pick in the 2004 NFL draft signed the most lucrative contract ever for a tight end, a six-year $29 million deal, worth up to $40 million with incentives. Approached by reporters as he left the Browns' Berea facility, Winslow echoed Poston's sentiments. "I'm obviously a better player than they thought I was or they wouldn't have moved me up to the second team" Winslow added, "Since I'm better than I was when I signed, I just expect to be paid that way."

Former Browns great Jim Brown came to Berea to offer support to Winslow. "This young man has greatness written all over him," Brown told reporters, "so I intend to be associated with everything he does. You folks haven't been talking about me much lately and this whole Hall of Fame thing has some people even saying Barry Sanders was a better running back than me. That's just crazytalk, so I obviously need to get out more. Kellen Winslow represents a much better opportunity for me than hanging around with Maurice Clarett ever was."

When asked if the holdout, just one week after Winslow reported to camp, would impact the Browns plans for this season, coach Davis told reporters, "It doesn't do anyone any good to talk about that. All I can do is work with the guys we've got here." Davis continued, "When Kellen wants to report to camp, we'll work him back into the mix. If you know who I can have fired to make that happen sooner, I’d appreciate it. If not, I need to get back to work."

Browns President John Collins held an afternoon press conference where he announced the situation. "At 12:45pm this afternoon," Collins told the assembled reporters, "Kevin Poston called my office and said that Kellen Winslow will not report to the Browns until his contract has been renegotiated. We responded by offering a contract equal in value to the contract of the third pick in the draft, Larry Fitzgerald." Fitzgerald signed a six year deal reportedly worth up to $60 million, including a $20 million signing bonus, on August 2. A reporter asked if that was the highest offer the Browns would make to Winslow, Collins replied "We have informed Mr. Poston that is our best offer to get Kellen back into camp. We will only be moving down from that value...unless we have to increase it at some point to get him back in camp."

Speaking to reporters while walking through Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, Poston said "Some teams had Kellen as the number one player on their draft boards, and John Collins want to pay him only as much as the third player in the draft? That's an insult. Don't get me wrong, Larry Fitzgerald is a nice player, but he's just a receiver. Kellen catches and blocks. That's two jobs. That should make him worth twice as much."

Poston added, "I find it embarrassing that the Browns insist on negotiating through the media."

[[[[[[[[[ Our View ]]]]]]]]]]]

Obviously this is not good news for the Browns or for Winslow owners. We all know by now that the Postons are ruthless negotiators who will extend a holdout as long as it takes to get what they want. It is looking more and more likely that Winslow will miss some time during the regular season. Even if he somehow makes it back into camp, Winslow needs to get reps in practice and experience in game situations so he can make an impact during the regular season. He looked very much like a rookie in last week's preseason game and has not made many friends on the Browns with his comments that the team lacks intensity. Taking all these negative factors into account, we still rank Winslow as the #4 TE and think that with an ADP in the late 5th round he represents a great opportunity to get some value in your draft.

 
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Deja Vu All Over Again: Henson Quits Cowboys, Signs Deal with Boston Red Sox

http://www.eloratings.net/europe.html

AP - Stating 'his heart belongs with baseball,' Dallas Cowboy back-up QB Drew Henson, has for the second time, dropped a football career, signing a three year deal with the Boston Red Sox. Henson, a prior third baseman for the New York Yankees minor league affiliate, was a blue chip prospect out of Michigan who never lived up to the hype, wallowing for three years in Columbus, unable to adjust to the curve ball. As the signal caller for Dallas, Henson has failed to impress after only five months on the football field. Sources believe the Red Sox will throw him into the lineup immediately, replacing rookie Kevin Youkilis, a current disappointment. When asked if he felt the decision was a bit premature, Henson attributted a lack of playing time, an offensive play book that was "a boring read," and a less than ideal relationship with Parcells, as his reasons for leaving the NFL.

(((((((((((((((((((((( Our View )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

WOW! What can you say, this is an amazing move by an incredibly inept third baseman. But in a preseason that has seen numerous twists and turns, does it really surprise you. With Henson being the back-up to Testaverde, there shouldn't be significant reshuffling on your fantasy rosters, but this could hit many dynasty leagues hard. Just goes to show you that the Red Sox will try anything to get one up on the Yankees.

 
Warner Embraces Winslow as the New Messiah: Demands Trade to Browns

Full Article:

http://www.what-would-winslow-do.org/9426150.htm.

Clipped from: AP (Anita Butt)

Kurt Warner has always been a deeply spiritual man who makes no apologies for the way he lives his life.

"In my life, Jesus comes first. Football has always been secondary to me," Warner stated recently, sitting comfortably in his South Florida summer home. "Since meeting Kellen, though, these two aspects of my life have become closer than I ever could have imagined."

Warner met Winslow for the first time at a Giants/Browns joint scrimmage one week ago and the two hit it off instantly. In fact, Warner had become so enamored with Winslow that he called an emergency press conference this morning and demanded that he be traded to Cleveland.

"The moment I shook his hand, I could tell that Kellen Winslow II was not only a special player, but a special man," Warner told the crowd of befuddled reporters. "It was like touching an angel. He just flows with positive energy. Who wouldn't want to be a part of something like that? I feel bad about letting the people of New York down, but I know in my heart that this is the right choice. Kellen Winslow truly is the Chosen One."

Giant's head coach Tom Coughlin, although disappointed, was not surprised by Warner's announcement and stated that he will do everything in his power to ensure that a trade does happen, although he makes no guarantees. Warner, meanwhile, is excited about the chance to play alongside his new prophet.

"Jesus will always have a special place in my heart, but I think that in the long run, Kellen Winslow might end up being even more important. Only time will tell for sure. One thing is for certain, though. The spirit of God is definitely working through Winslow."

When asked about his New York Giant teammates, Warner had nothing to say other than that Eli Manning was the antichrist.

(((((((( OUR VIEW ))))))))

If Warner is right about Winslow having divine powers, then he should be bumped up to the #2 spot on the TE rankings, right behind Tony Gonzalez. Warner's value remains unchanged, because even if a trade does go down he would still have to beat out Jeff Garcia, which is not very likely. Eli Manning's value increases considerably since he would have no competition for the starting job if Warner left town.

 
13. (MIA) QB Controversy Solved

Full Article:http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/football/9442310.htm

Clipped from: Miami Herald (Anita Hand)

Coach Wannstedt made a startling announcement at a press conference Wednesday morning. Those expecting him to announce the signing of a replacement for retired Ricky Williams, were left amazed by the news.

Wannstedt declared, “We brought in A.J. Feeley to challenge for the starting quarterback job with Jay Fiedler because we thought each player would respond to the test. What we’ve found is that we now have two guys that have no business in the role of a starting NFL QB.”

He continued, “Since neither is much more than sixty percent of a QB, we will put both QB’s on the field at all times. That way, I figure, we have 120% worth of QB’s on the field, and heck, we can compete with that.”

Wannstedt was unable to explain exactly which quarterback will take the snap or call the plays, but he assured the crowd that opposing defenses will be just as confused.

Asked for comment, Ricky Williams exclaimed, "You guys know I’m a big fan of Bob Marley, so obviously I keep a large supply of masking agents on hand. Wait. What was the question?”

[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]]

This may actually be a decent strategy. Go ahead and bump both Fiedler and Feeley down a bit. However, in leagues with Team QB’s, selecting the Dolphins now looks like a steal.

Draft accordingly!

/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/**/

 
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(San Diego) QB Philip Rivers to miss season in contract impasse; Chargers sign the Juggs Machine to be their starting QBFull Article:http://www.sandiegoisinbigtrouble.comClipped from: San Diego Union-TribuneAn 11th hour attempt to sign QB Philip Rivers has failed."This is very disappointing and unfortunate," Chargers general manager A.J. Smith said Monday. "Negotiations broke down again."A degree of urgency was brought to the table when both Drew Brees and Doug Flutie were lost for the season in a freak accident. A truck delivering sacks of money to LaDainian Tomlinson for his signing bonus, couldn't stop due to the heavy load, and both players were crushed under the massive load.Sticking to his word, Smith insisted that the offer would only go down from where it was before. A reduction in money, insisting that Rivers should make the probowl 10 consecutive years at both QB and DB, and win the team the next 10 Superbowls were likely all deal breakers."Ridiculous. Manning had the right idea. I am ready to enter the draft next year. I just hope that they don't use one of their two first round picks on me next year." Rivers was quoted as saying.A short time later Smith called a news conference to announce the signing of the teams Juggs machine to a league minimum contract."I am happy to have the Juggs machine as our starting QB this year. While not very mobile, that baby sure fires off a nice, tight spiral" Smith extolled.[[[[[[[[[[ OUR VIEW ]]]]]]]]]] The Chargers are the picture of a team in disarray. Bump all Chargers down accordingly, especially Tomlinson. How is he supposed to take a hand-off now?Whew - made it. 11:35 MST

 
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Let me first offer my apologies that this has taken so long to announce the winners. Not sure where the last few weeks went, but with a scratched cornea and working on the computer with a patch, let's just say this was pretty low on my list of things to do.Joe will be sending the fake email out to cap the preseason on Thursday morning.Here are the Winners. I will notify each of you via PM. Please give me your mailing address and I will mail out the books.22 different stories from 20 people. Great efforts. These should get lots of laughs when we mail them out to 50,000 people soon.CaptainHucklebuck - McNair Article - First of the playing through painMKB4 - Griffin Limb Lengthening SurgeryBristol - Tice looking at WrestlersZasada - McNair Dies in Auto Accident, Listed as Questionablescoobygang - Gibbs Purchases Coaching Staff of EbayMKB4 - Stallworth to have hamstring transplantCaptainHucklebuck - Keyshawn ArticleEvilgrin72 - Cowboys Camp Notesbabydeamon90 - Madden player as SD OCGatorman - Owens has no opinionmik789fl - Footballguys buys NFLgman8343 - Tice Discloses Entire Playbooksmcindoe - The Other Ricky WilliamsThe Ref - Washington eats WheatleyKOMA - Leon Signs with MiamiLukiedookie - Fantasy Football in OlympicsBat1man - Collins falls off the wagonuwillbedeadsoon - Vikings Look 2 Llama for Kicking Dutiesteddiez - Coughlin to try Stand UpMungo Burrows - Winslow holds out because of 2nd team.NY Shreks - Winslow Contract VoidedFalconeyed - Rivers Hires Leaf as Agent

 
For the winners, I pinned a Thread at the top but just in case you didn't see it..

I need to get mailing info from you guys to that we can get your prizes out to you ASAP.

If you see your name and story listed below, please send the following information to Grant@footballguys.com:

1) Which Contest you won (Fake Story, Fake Headline or Both)

2) The title of the story or headline that you won for

3) Your Real Life Name and Address

4) Your MB name

*** PLEASE PUT 'FBG STATBOOK' in the SUBJECT

so that my e-mail can sort it properly....

Please note, I will respond to EVERY e-mail that I get about these.. so if you send me something and don't hear from me, please send it again. I'll forward them on to the appropriate people as soon as I've gathered a few of them together.

If you have any questions, please shoot me an e-mail or PM.

 
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