Static with GF over her kid. Please advice (1 Viewer)

[Gadzooks]

Who has custody of the son? GF or divorced dad? I'm not sure that is really clear.

They share custody, and she is horrible about remembering which days/weekends are which since they switch it up pretty regularly to accommodate each other's schedule. This is also part of the problem. Tomorrow I am having people over for kegs n eggs before walking intown for a brew fest. She realized yesterday that it was her weekend with son. I wouldn't have planned it I knew she had her son, and I can't/won't call it off now.

And also why'd she split with her ex after only 1 year? That ought to really have red flags waving.

She was very young and, I suspect, may have wanted to secure her green card.

That's a big red flag, in my opinion.

Meh. They switch weekends a lot and when I mentioned having people over, she said "sounds great!" without checking her calendar. It was more that she forgot the brew fest was this weekend than that she forgot she had her kid.

Bigger red flag

 

[NCCommish]

GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

This seems like a pretty good idea.

 

[Henry Ford]

GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

Cozi is a great app for this.

 

[Bucky86]

What did will whistle say? I'll take a PM

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

Sounds like you are in with the techno set, goin surfin on the Internet.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

This sounds exactly like my situation except for instead of a gf its my wife and the kids are ours.

 

[[icon]]

Tell her that you're not supposed to be around kids per the judge's order.

 

[tdoss]

Why are you dating a chick with a kid?

But it sounds like it's too late to wave you off landing on that deck so I leave you with a quote that should sum up your situation: "A real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom."

Get on board with the kid or get out before he starts to get attached.

 

[shader]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

Yes

 

[cstu]

After reading your posts about her, get the heck out.

 

[cstu]

GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

Sounds like you are in with the techno set, goin surfin on the Internet.

How'd I miss that? LMAO.

 

[Spike]

Depends how you look at it.

She is trying to build you into a family unit. If you want that, yeah, you're screwing up.

If you're not looking to settle down into a family unit, you're being fine and she's being unnecessarily difficult.

Just understand her needs are to not be a single mom, so she's unlikely to stick in the relationship if you don't want to be what she wants.

/thread

 

[Guster]

GB Thorn, my ex and I also are flexible when it comes to scheduling. What has worked for us is a shared google calendar. Set it up so all three (or four if her ex has a SO) of you can see it. Helps greatly reduce this "oh I forgot we switched weekends" stuff.

 

[pollardsvision]

Didn't see it asked specifically.....do you want to marry this broad?

It's been a year. You know if you do. If you aren't sure, then you don't (or at least you shouldn't).

 

[Guster]

Didn't see it asked specifically.....do you want to marry this broad?It's been a year. You know if you do. If you aren't sure, then you don't (or at least you shouldn't).

Don't think he was asking should he marry this girl or not. The question was is he being selfish for wanting some solo time and giving the gf alone time with her son too.

Being a single dad, I can say that I have 3 modes: dad, solo guster time, and time with friends/ladies

I don't think thorn is being selfish, I just think both sides need to clearly communicate their needs and talk through things to find the common ground.

If anything, I would say is is extremely normal as the relationship starts to evolve from being almost exclusively about the two of you getting to know each other into something more serious. It's unrealistic to expect to interject her son into things without some bumps along the road. As with most relationships, communication and self awareness are key

 

[pollardsvision]

Didn't see it asked specifically.....do you want to marry this broad?It's been a year. You know if you do. If you aren't sure, then you don't (or at least you shouldn't).

Don't think he was asking should he marry this girl or not. The question was is he being selfish for wanting some solo time and giving the gf alone time with her son too.

Being a single dad, I can say that I have 3 modes: dad, solo guster time, and time with friends/ladies

I don't think thorn is being selfish, I just think both sides need to clearly communicate their needs and talk through things to find the common ground.

If anything, I would say is is extremely normal as the relationship starts to evolve from being almost exclusively about the two of you getting to know each other into something more serious. It's unrealistic to expect to interject her son into things without some bumps along the road. As with most relationships, communication and self awareness are key

Agreed, and that's why it sounds like it's time to answer the marriage question first and move forward one way or another.

It's been a year. It shouldn't take more than that to know if he wants to/should marry her.

The both sides communicating their needs now means a "you in or out, buddy?" conversation.

Hemming and hawing on that, at this point, almost always means it's time to move on.

 

[Guster]

Not to completely derail this thread, but why do two people need to get married?

And what's so magical about the one year mark that you should know for certain whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not.

Thorn has only seen half of this girl's life. What if that half is awesome but the other half is terrible?

 

[Guster]

Not to completely derail this thread, but why do two people need to get married?

And what's so magical about the one year mark that you should know for certain whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not.

Thorn has only seen half of this girl's life. What if that half is awesome but the other half is terrible?

Actually, I'm good. No need to reply. Don't see any point in engaging in this conversation

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Didn't see it asked specifically.....do you want to marry this broad?

It's been a year. You know if you do. If you aren't sure, then you don't (or at least you shouldn't).

 

[pollardsvision]

Not to completely derail this thread, but why do two people need to get married?

And what's so magical about the one year mark that you should know for certain whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not.

Thorn has only seen half of this girl's life. What if that half is awesome but the other half is terrible?

There's probably not a universal answer on the issue, but in this case, when the woman starts expecting him to act like a husband and father, it's clear the previous status quo is no longer acceptable.

For some women, maybe the "let's hang out and have fun until one of us finds something better" thing is fine, but as with most women past their mid-20's or with kids, Thorn's ol' lady doesn't sound like she's fine with that.

Generally speaking, I think a year (and less than that, really) is plenty of time to find out what you need to know. There's not going to be some big missing piece of information still needed to make that decision. If there is, then one party just hasn't been paying attention, or they didn't care enough to figure it out (in both cases, it's time to move on if dealing with a woman that's not okay with indefinite cruise control).

I don't mean marriage specifically. But it's plenty of time to know if he wants to commit.

 

[Jefferson the Caregiver]

Seems like a real longshot that this is going to work out if you aren't willing to incorporate the kid into the activities.

Honeymoon phase is over, now you are in the real life phase. It was probably a good run but if I'm reading between the lines here, it doesn't seem like the right one.

 

[Bucky86]

Not to completely derail this thread, but why do two people need to get married?

And what's so magical about the one year mark that you should know for certain whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not.

Thorn has only seen half of this girl's life. What if that half is awesome but the other half is terrible?

There's probably not a universal answer on the issue, but in this case, when the woman starts expecting him to act like a husband and father, it's clear the previous status quo is no longer acceptable.For some women, maybe the "let's hang out and have fun until one of us finds something better" thing is fine, but as with most women past their mid-20's or with kids, Thorn's ol' lady doesn't sound like she's fine with that.

Generally speaking, I think a year (and less than that, really) is plenty of time to find out what you need to know. There's not going to be some big missing piece of information still needed to make that decision. If there is, then one party just hasn't been paying attention, or they didn't care enough to figure it out (in both cases, it's time to move on if dealing with a woman that's not okay with indefinite cruise control).

I don't mean marriage specifically. But it's plenty of time to know if he wants to commit.

I don't think a year is nearly enough time. IMO many women/men can keep up a good facade for the first year. It's really not until 1 1/2-2 years multiple vacations/long weekends together doing nothing or stressful situations do you really start seeing the non-pretty side.

 

[Billy Bats]

Speaking from experience with two step kids, if you want to be with her then you better want to be with both of them. It's only natural for the woman to want her bf to be involved with her son if there is a future involved.

Before any conversation to be had with her about her expectations, you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her but not the parent-type responsibilities right now? If so then I suggest you move on. Because it will not get any easier. Not only will she expect you to be a parent figure, you should be expected to be one, IMO.

I was 35yo unmarried/no kids when I met Mrs Bats with two kids. I struggled with it early, it being a shock suddenly being around a 6 and 8 year old often. (She has custody) I broke it off about 6/7 months in because I felt I wasn't ready long term. I missed her, and the kids, and we got back together. I got my head together realizing that if I truly wanted to be with her, then I truly had to want to have kids. Been happy for 7 years now. And lot has to do with Mrs Bats being awesome too and appreciating my side if the situation.

Good luck man. I understand where you're at, been there and it's not easy. It all comes down to the love you have for her, AND your willingness to be a father figure going forward.

 

[bushdocda]

She is a single mom. If you are serious about her you will have to be serious about the kid.

Maybe the kid would want to play catch with you if you took him to the playground.

 

[Frostillicus]

Thorn you are a monster.

 

[mr roboto]

Thorn you are a monster.

 

[Henry Ford]

Thorn you are a monster.

I just spit toothpaste all over my mirror. I hope you're happy.

 

[Frostillicus]

Thorn you are a monster.

I just spit toothpaste all over my mirror. I hope you're happy.

Not as happy as you'd think.

 

[McGarnicle]

Brewfest sounds like a great place to pick up some strange. Just sayin'.

 

[Guster]

She is a single mom. If you are serious about her you will have to be serious about the kid.

Maybe the kid would want to play catch with you if you took him to the playground.

I would love to watch thorn play catch with this kid in a mcdonalds playground

 

[Apple Jack]

You two are not compatible. Do her a favor and leave sooner rather than later. This is a single mother. One year is definitely #### or get off the pot time.

 

[Frostillicus]

You two are not compatible. Do her a favor and leave sooner rather than later. This is a single mother. One year is definitely #### or get off the pot time.

Sorry Thorn. It's over.

 

[chet]

What country is she from?

 

[firstseason1988]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant. As far as I can tell father is a good dad and is very involved in son's life, and she and the ex get along as well as can be expected. I don't have any kids; never been married.

Until recently, I viewed the time when she had her son as our alone time. We weren't really ready for me to be "part of his life," as it were. As we have gotten more serious it has made sense for us to spend time together as the three of us. I get along very well with her son, though we don't have tons in common. His dad is a guy that likes to work on cars and watch movies, the son's interests mirror that. He has no interest in playing catch or going to sporting events or anything sporty.

It had made sense to me to schedule solo things for times when she has her son. Round of golf, beers with the guys. She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

Probably already good advice in the thread. But I'd say for her, spend some time with the kid, for you, spend time with your buds. Being a single mom is a position she put herself in, she is lucky to have someone like you. You and the kid can probably find some common ground to hang out. Teach him how to tell time, tell a joke(s), the multiplication table, how an airplane flies.....

 

[Chaos Commish]

She is a single mom. If you are serious about her you will have to be serious about the kid.

Maybe the kid would want to play catch with you if you took him to the playground.

A real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Thorn you are a monster.

I just spit toothpaste all over my mirror. I hope you're happy.

you read the FFA while you brush your teeth?

 

[McGarnicle]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant.

She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

I'm a bit disturbed, but not all that surprised at the shaming language used towards you to "man up"and "don't shoplift the Pootie"

Shouldn't the woman take some responsibility at all for choosing well?

She clearly can't choose well, which is why she's a single mother in the first place.

People you don't want to deal with are people who won't own up to their self inflicted circumstances. If she "needs you" to make sure she doesn't "feel like a single mother" then I would say there is something fundamentally wrong with her in general. No one held a gun to her head. No one told her to get married. No one told her to let one past the goalie. If you are going to commit to a single mother, IMHO, find one that absolutely owns her situation.

Chicks who play the "It's all X person's fault" are a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. On your sense of sanity, on your bank account, on your entire life.

Chicks who admit they've made mistakes and live in a such a way as own them ( i.e. "I don't always enjoy being a single mother, but I made my choices, I brought this on myself, I can't pity myself here, I can't demand things that a childless person would have, I've made life choices that comprise of making trade offs where I can't focus just on what I want") are ones that you can consider keeping.

I'm pretty amazed at how often the "You need to step up" happy horse #### gets pushed around when it comes to single mothers and relationships. Sure, you need to make certain sacrifices to be with a single mom. On the flips side, she needs to do things to put you in a positive position to succeed, i.e. help you get integrated in what she hopes will be a future family unit.

A chick with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot and waiting for you to do all the heavy lifting to make her happy, that's not the kind of chick you want to stay with or even marry.

Chicks like that, you aren't dating a single mom and her kid, you are really choosing to emotionally ( and likely financially) support basically "two kids" A grown up owns their ####. This isn't about finding the right woman, it's not about finding the right balance with a single mom, this is about finding a grown up first and foremost, you do that and most of this single mom happy horse #### will being to work itself out.

Gekko is criminally under-appreciated IMO.

 

[shadyridr]

Bring the kid to brewfest

 

[Guster]

Thorn you are a monster.

I just spit toothpaste all over my mirror. I hope you're happy.

you read the FFA while you brush your teeth?

I do

 

[Bucky86]

Thorn you are a monster.

I just spit toothpaste all over my mirror. I hope you're happy.

you read the FFA while you brush your teeth?

I do

Me too.

 

[cstu]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant.

She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

I'm a bit disturbed, but not all that surprised at the shaming language used towards you to "man up"and "don't shoplift the Pootie"

Shouldn't the woman take some responsibility at all for choosing well?

She clearly can't choose well, which is why she's a single mother in the first place.

People you don't want to deal with are people who won't own up to their self inflicted circumstances. If she "needs you" to make sure she doesn't "feel like a single mother" then I would say there is something fundamentally wrong with her in general. No one held a gun to her head. No one told her to get married. No one told her to let one past the goalie. If you are going to commit to a single mother, IMHO, find one that absolutely owns her situation.

Chicks who play the "It's all X person's fault" are a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. On your sense of sanity, on your bank account, on your entire life.

Chicks who admit they've made mistakes and live in a such a way as own them ( i.e. "I don't always enjoy being a single mother, but I made my choices, I brought this on myself, I can't pity myself here, I can't demand things that a childless person would have, I've made life choices that comprise of making trade offs where I can't focus just on what I want") are ones that you can consider keeping.

I'm pretty amazed at how often the "You need to step up" happy horse #### gets pushed around when it comes to single mothers and relationships. Sure, you need to make certain sacrifices to be with a single mom. On the flips side, she needs to do things to put you in a positive position to succeed, i.e. help you get integrated in what she hopes will be a future family unit.

A chick with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot and waiting for you to do all the heavy lifting to make her happy, that's not the kind of chick you want to stay with or even marry.

Chicks like that, you aren't dating a single mom and her kid, you are really choosing to emotionally ( and likely financially) support basically "two kids" A grown up owns their ####. This isn't about finding the right woman, it's not about finding the right balance with a single mom, this is about finding a grown up first and foremost, you do that and most of this single mom happy horse #### will being to work itself out.

You're wrong and here's why:

From what Thorn posted she's not blaming her situation on anyone else. Her wording is poor "I don't want to feel like a single mother" but what she's trying to say is "I want to feel like I'm in a family again not just a single mother banging a guy on the side".

If Thorn doesn't want to be a part of her family then he should do the honorable thing and tell her that so she can move on and find what she's looking for. Right now I don't think Thorn has been honest about the relationship he wants to have with her.

It's not often I defend a woman, but there you go.

 

[Bucky86]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant.

She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

I'm a bit disturbed, but not all that surprised at the shaming language used towards you to "man up"and "don't shoplift the Pootie"

Shouldn't the woman take some responsibility at all for choosing well?

She clearly can't choose well, which is why she's a single mother in the first place.

People you don't want to deal with are people who won't own up to their self inflicted circumstances. If she "needs you" to make sure she doesn't "feel like a single mother" then I would say there is something fundamentally wrong with her in general. No one held a gun to her head. No one told her to get married. No one told her to let one past the goalie. If you are going to commit to a single mother, IMHO, find one that absolutely owns her situation.

Chicks who play the "It's all X person's fault" are a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. On your sense of sanity, on your bank account, on your entire life.

Chicks who admit they've made mistakes and live in a such a way as own them ( i.e. "I don't always enjoy being a single mother, but I made my choices, I brought this on myself, I can't pity myself here, I can't demand things that a childless person would have, I've made life choices that comprise of making trade offs where I can't focus just on what I want") are ones that you can consider keeping.

I'm pretty amazed at how often the "You need to step up" happy horse #### gets pushed around when it comes to single mothers and relationships. Sure, you need to make certain sacrifices to be with a single mom. On the flips side, she needs to do things to put you in a positive position to succeed, i.e. help you get integrated in what she hopes will be a future family unit.

A chick with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot and waiting for you to do all the heavy lifting to make her happy, that's not the kind of chick you want to stay with or even marry.

Chicks like that, you aren't dating a single mom and her kid, you are really choosing to emotionally ( and likely financially) support basically "two kids" A grown up owns their ####. This isn't about finding the right woman, it's not about finding the right balance with a single mom, this is about finding a grown up first and foremost, you do that and most of this single mom happy horse #### will being to work itself out.

You're wrong and here's why:

From what Thorn posted she's not blaming her situation on anyone else. Her wording is poor "I don't want to feel like a single mother" but what she's trying to say is "I want to feel like I'm in a family again not just a single mother banging a guy on the side".

If Thorn doesn't want to be a part of her family then he should do the honorable thing and tell her that so she can move on and find what she's looking for. Right now I don't think Thorn has been honest about the relationship he wants to have with her.

It's not often I defend a woman, but there you go.

Agree. I just don't understand how any guy can get involved in a semi-serious relationship with a woman that has kids and then act shocked when she wants him to be part of her kids life. Its almost like our OP is treating the kid as just the "friend" of the girl he's banging.

 

[bostonfred]

Let's say you're still together a year from now. You've got a good relationship with the kid, everything's great with the girlfriend, and your life is going swimmingly. What would that look like to you? Would you see the kid more often? Would you do different stuff when you hang out? Would you hang out alone with her more often? Less often?

 

[squidrope]

Speaking from experience with two step kids, if you want to be with her then you better want to be with both of them. It's only natural for the woman to want her bf to be involved with her son if there is a future involved.

Before any conversation to be had with her about her expectations, you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her but not the parent-type responsibilities right now? If so then I suggest you move on. Because it will not get any easier. Not only will she expect you to be a parent figure, you should be expected to be one, IMO.

I was 35yo unmarried/no kids when I met Mrs Bats with two kids. I struggled with it early, it being a shock suddenly being around a 6 and 8 year old often. (She has custody) I broke it off about 6/7 months in because I felt I wasn't ready long term. I missed her, and the kids, and we got back together. I got my head together realizing that if I truly wanted to be with her, then I truly had to want to have kids. Been happy for 7 years now. And lot has to do with Mrs Bats being awesome too and appreciating my side if the situation.

Good luck man. I understand where you're at, been there and it's not easy. It all comes down to the love you have for her, AND your willingness to be a father figure going forward.

:greatpost:

 

[Guster]

Let's say you're still together a year from now. You've got a good relationship with the kid, everything's great with the girlfriend, and your life is going swimmingly. What would that look like to you? Would you see the kid more often? Would you do different stuff when you hang out? Would you hang out alone with her more often? Less often?

BF, this thread isn't the place for productive questions. You're supposed to dismiss, judge and ridicule thorn

 

[snellman]

Speaking from experience with two step kids, if you want to be with her then you better want to be with both of them. It's only natural for the woman to want her bf to be involved with her son if there is a future involved.

Before any conversation to be had with her about her expectations, you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her but not the parent-type responsibilities right now? If so then I suggest you move on. Because it will not get any easier. Not only will she expect you to be a parent figure, you should be expected to be one, IMO.

I was 35yo unmarried/no kids when I met Mrs Bats with two kids. I struggled with it early, it being a shock suddenly being around a 6 and 8 year old often. (She has custody) I broke it off about 6/7 months in because I felt I wasn't ready long term. I missed her, and the kids, and we got back together. I got my head together realizing that if I truly wanted to be with her, then I truly had to want to have kids. Been happy for 7 years now. And lot has to do with Mrs Bats being awesome too and appreciating my side if the situation.

Good luck man. I understand where you're at, been there and it's not easy. It all comes down to the love you have for her, AND your willingness to be a father figure going forward.

My situation was a little different because I had 2 children and my now wife had 2 children. I only had mine on long breaks from school though so I was basicly single. We did not involve the children for the first few months because if it wasn't going to work out between us we didn't want to hurt the children so we only saw each other when neither one of us had children. Once it looked like the relationship could go further, we started involving the children more and more because they are part of the family unit we have become. If you have been together for a year it sounds like she is ready for the next step and If you aren't ready for children or are unsure, do yourself and her a favor and call it off because they are a package deal.

 

[Osaurus]

Ditch the insta-family IMO.

 

[Thorn]

What country is she from?

Ukraine

 

[Thorn]

So things have been going pretty well with the gf. We are coming up on one year of dating. Lately our fights have centered around being together when she has her son. Her son is 7 and a good kid, she and the father were married for just over a year; they divorced when the kid was an infant.

She is saying that I avoid her when she has him and she feels like a single mom. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't enjoy going to McDonalds with them while he plays on the playground, or even to the park just to watch him run around. I don't mind doing things with them or even doing nothing with them from time to time, but I don't think I should be hanging out every time she has her son. Am I being selfish here?

I'm a bit disturbed, but not all that surprised at the shaming language used towards you to "man up"and "don't shoplift the Pootie"

Shouldn't the woman take some responsibility at all for choosing well?

She clearly can't choose well, which is why she's a single mother in the first place.

People you don't want to deal with are people who won't own up to their self inflicted circumstances. If she "needs you" to make sure she doesn't "feel like a single mother" then I would say there is something fundamentally wrong with her in general. No one held a gun to her head. No one told her to get married. No one told her to let one past the goalie. If you are going to commit to a single mother, IMHO, find one that absolutely owns her situation.

Chicks who play the "It's all X person's fault" are a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. On your sense of sanity, on your bank account, on your entire life.

Chicks who admit they've made mistakes and live in a such a way as own them ( i.e. "I don't always enjoy being a single mother, but I made my choices, I brought this on myself, I can't pity myself here, I can't demand things that a childless person would have, I've made life choices that comprise of making trade offs where I can't focus just on what I want") are ones that you can consider keeping.

I'm pretty amazed at how often the "You need to step up" happy horse #### gets pushed around when it comes to single mothers and relationships. Sure, you need to make certain sacrifices to be with a single mom. On the flips side, she needs to do things to put you in a positive position to succeed, i.e. help you get integrated in what she hopes will be a future family unit.

A chick with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot and waiting for you to do all the heavy lifting to make her happy, that's not the kind of chick you want to stay with or even marry.

Chicks like that, you aren't dating a single mom and her kid, you are really choosing to emotionally ( and likely financially) support basically "two kids" A grown up owns their ####. This isn't about finding the right woman, it's not about finding the right balance with a single mom, this is about finding a grown up first and foremost, you do that and most of this single mom happy horse #### will being to work itself out.

You're wrong and here's why:

From what Thorn posted she's not blaming her situation on anyone else. Her wording is poor "I don't want to feel like a single mother" but what she's trying to say is "I want to feel like I'm in a family again not just a single mother banging a guy on the side".

If Thorn doesn't want to be a part of her family then he should do the honorable thing and tell her that so she can move on and find what she's looking for. Right now I don't think Thorn has been honest about the relationship he wants to have with her.

It's not often I defend a woman, but there you go.

I have no idea how you could form an opinion about my level of honesty.

 

[Thorn]

Speaking from experience with two step kids, if you want to be with her then you better want to be with both of them. It's only natural for the woman to want her bf to be involved with her son if there is a future involved.

Before any conversation to be had with her about her expectations, you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her but not the parent-type responsibilities right now? If so then I suggest you move on. Because it will not get any easier. Not only will she expect you to be a parent figure, you should be expected to be one, IMO.

I was 35yo unmarried/no kids when I met Mrs Bats with two kids. I struggled with it early, it being a shock suddenly being around a 6 and 8 year old often. (She has custody) I broke it off about 6/7 months in because I felt I wasn't ready long term. I missed her, and the kids, and we got back together. I got my head together realizing that if I truly wanted to be with her, then I truly had to want to have kids. Been happy for 7 years now. And lot has to do with Mrs Bats being awesome too and appreciating my side if the situation.

Good luck man. I understand where you're at, been there and it's not easy. It all comes down to the love you have for her, AND your willingness to be a father figure going forward.

Thanks. This is a little different in that the dad is around and a positive influence from what I can tell.