Suicide (1 Viewer)

[Hawks64]

Welcome back. whew...

 

[Henry Ford]

JC--update, pls

Interesting weekend.... got "section 12" 'd this weekend... meaning involuntarily committed. But I'm out now.

Glad you're still with us, man.

 

[Henry Ford]

Seems like a good time to post this again:

http://www.memes.com/img/254908

I don’t like the phrase “a cry for help”. I just don’t like how it sounds. When someone says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan: I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness.

I think: Your depression has been beating you up for years. It has called you ugly, and stupid, and pathetic, and a failure, for so long that you’ve forgotten that it’s wrong. You don’t see any good in yourself, and you don’t have any hope.

But still, here you are: You’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said “Hey! Staying alive isREALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care it it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!”

How is that helpless? I think that’s incredible. You’re like a marine: trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo, you’re malnourished, and you’ve probably caught some kind of jungle virus that’s making you hallucinate giant spiders. And you’re still just going, “GIVE ME A STICK. I’M NOT DYING OUT HERE.”

“A cry for help” makes it sound like i’m supposed to take pity on you, but you don’t need my pity. This isn’t pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species.

With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you’re ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that’s what it takes to get to safety.

All I’m doing is handing out sticks.

You’re the one staying alive

 

[johnnycakes]

Seems like a good time to post this again:

http://www.memes.com/img/254908

Never saw that before, Henry. I like it.

 

[Henry Ford]

Seems like a good time to post this again:

http://www.memes.com/img/254908

Never saw that before, Henry. I like it.

It's sometimes tough to find our own sticks. But come on in here when things are hard. Sometimes those of us who are having trouble ourselves can still find a stick for someone else.

 

[El Floppo]

yes!

really glad to hear from you, JC.

 

[El Floppo]

btw- I was checking local news website for any updates. including the police blog, where I found this.

STOW – At 3:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 5, a caller reported a man standing in front of a window in his house totally naked. She had seen him doing it before. Police spoke with the man, who didn’t think anyone could see him.

 

[johnnycakes]

btw- I was checking local news website for any updates. including the police blog, where I found this.

STOW – At 3:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 5, a caller reported a man standing in front of a window in his house totally naked. She had seen him doing it before. Police spoke with the man, who didn’t think anyone could see him.

The only Stow I go to is the Stowe in Vermont during ski season. hth.

 

[Nigel]

Thx for checking in JC, glad you got yourself through that one.

 

[El Floppo]

btw- I was checking local news website for any updates. including the police blog, where I found this.

STOW – At 3:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 5, a caller reported a man standing in front of a window in his house totally naked. She had seen him doing it before. Police spoke with the man, who didn’t think anyone could see him.

The only Stow I go to is the Stowe in Vermont during ski season. hth.

 

[chet]

Welcome back. whew...

 

[pats3in4]

Glad you're still with us, johnnycakes

 

[sports_fan]

Good to hear from you Johnny.

 

[comfortably numb]

btw- I was checking local news website for any updates. including the police blog, where I found this.

STOW At 3:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 5, a caller reported a man standing in front of a window in his house totally naked. She had seen him doing it before. Police spoke with the man, who didnt think anyone could see him.

Lol.

I did the same thing and found the same article.

 

[CurlyNight]

Glad you're back. Whew. I hope you are on upward bound recovery. Take good care. You have a lot to offer in life. You may not see it but lots of peeps want you around too. I know some people blog/journal. That way you can look back on things, esp the times where things weren't so bad, and see it isn't always that way... xo

 

[Smack Tripper]

JOHNNY!

Glad to have you here buddy.

Glad to have everyone here actually.

 

[Henry Ford]

I looked around today and realized I'm back in a deep depression. I don't know how long it's been going on - but long enough that I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling to look around and realize why these thoughts are constant again. Wonderful because at least I remembered that these are signs of a problem before I put a gun in my mouth again. Terrible because every time I get out I'm convinced I can somehow keep from getting back here again - that place where every song brings tears to my eyes, and I remember every terrible thing I've ever done, and the idea of drawing another breath just seems... Exhausting.

A client of mine died yesterday. I can't help thinking if I could have made things better faster she wouldn't have killed herself. And her two kids wouldn't be in foster care. And I need a #######ed drink.

I hope you're all doing better than this. There's no need to worry, I'll be around in the morning. Just being a bit of a drama queen. Online and anonymous is kind of the only place I can do that.

I'd like to stop being responsible for awhile.

 

[El Floppo]

I looked around today and realized I'm back in a deep depression. I don't know how long it's been going on - but long enough that I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling to look around and realize why these thoughts are constant again. Wonderful because at least I remembered that these are signs of a problem before I put a gun in my mouth again. Terrible because every time I get out I'm convinced I can somehow keep from getting back here again - that place where every song brings tears to my eyes, and I remember every terrible thing I've ever done, and the idea of drawing another breath just seems... Exhausting.

A client of mine died yesterday. I can't help thinking if I could have made things better faster she wouldn't have killed herself. And her two kids wouldn't be in foster care. And I need a #######ed drink.

I hope you're all doing better than this. There's no need to worry, I'll be around in the morning. Just being a bit of a drama queen. Online and anonymous is kind of the only place I can do that.

I'd like to stop being responsible for awhile.

sorry to hear, Henry... about the client and the dip back down into the depression.

if it makes you feel any better, I can kind of empathize on a couple of levels. first- I've been in a rut myself... work/performance related, but also the usual BS mid-life wtf am I doing with my life stuff. I've caught myself spinning instead of progressing on things in life and work- one feeds the other and the hill down tips progressively steeper. I've started to lose sleep over it. worse, I've found myself not being present with my kids during the precious moments I get with them when not working.

but it sounds we're both also self-aware enough to at least realize the dip has happened... and hopefully we both have enough tricks in our bags to climb back out as easily as possible without heading down any further.

gl, gb HF.

 

[krista4]

So sorry to hear this, Henry Ford and Floppy. I can't pretend to have words of wisdom but can only remind you that anonymous internet dorks like me care a lot about your well-being.

 

[Henry Ford]

Good luck to you, too.

I'm going to go drink a very large bottle of sake.

 

[johnnycakes]

I looked around today and realized I'm back in a deep depression. I don't know how long it's been going on - but long enough that I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling to look around and realize why these thoughts are constant again. Wonderful because at least I remembered that these are signs of a problem before I put a gun in my mouth again. Terrible because every time I get out I'm convinced I can somehow keep from getting back here again - that place where every song brings tears to my eyes, and I remember every terrible thing I've ever done, and the idea of drawing another breath just seems... Exhausting.

A client of mine died yesterday. I can't help thinking if I could have made things better faster she wouldn't have killed herself. And her two kids wouldn't be in foster care. And I need a #######ed drink.

I hope you're all doing better than this. There's no need to worry, I'll be around in the morning. Just being a bit of a drama queen. Online and anonymous is kind of the only place I can do that.

I'd like to stop being responsible for awhile.

One of the biggest bummers about depression is, if one thinks things through rationally, one knows the situation, whatever it is, will change at some point in the near future... may change for better or for worse, but life does not stand still. That thought keeps me from really getting down and enjoying a good bout of depression... knowledge that my heart will not stop beating and I will probably adapt just fine to whatever lies around the corner kind of ruins it.

Anyhow... hope you feel better, Henry. I know you have been there for me before. Wish there were more I could do. If there is, let me know.

 

[Henry Ford]

Johnny, I appreciate the "hello." Technological as it is, human interaction with someone who wants nothing from me is the absolute pinnacle of my day.

 

[johnnycakes]

Good luck to you, too.

I'm going to go drink a very large bottle of sake.

Yeah... what happens with alcohol is you feel better right now for a little while. That is very tempting and, if the alternative is a bullet to the head, it is not a bad alternative. But if you're already fighting depression what happens is that alcohol depressant effect carries on for long after the euphoric effect has worn off. it really is a depressant that will kick a depressed person's butt in the long run. But yeah, in the short run... it can be just the thing. Sometimes.

 

[shadyridr]

Been having some suicidal thoughts myself the last few weeks. Maybe were all depressed cuz summer is ending or something. Ive been on a rut myself going thru some mid life crisis stuff (if 37 counts as mid life). Beem spending money like crazy trying to buy my happiness almost saying life is too short.

Well be ok guys. I think

 

[Henry Ford]

Good luck to you, too.

I'm going to go drink a very large bottle of sake.

Yeah... what happens with alcohol is you feel better right now for a little while. That is very tempting and, if the alternative is a bullet to the head, it is not a bad alternative. But if you're already fighting depression what happens is that alcohol depressant effect carries on for long after the euphoric effect has worn off. it really is a depressant that will kick a depressed person's butt in the long run. But yeah, in the short run... it can be just the thing. Sometimes.

Yeah, I know. I just want to listen to Willie Nelson and be a little more numb than I am right now.

 

[xulf]

Henry and Flop, just know that we love your presence here. What you feel isn't necessarily abnormal, many of us go through it.

 

[Henry Ford]

Been having some suicidal thoughts myself the last few weeks. Maybe were all depressed cuz summer is ending or something. Ive been on a rut myself going thru some mid life crisis stuff (if 37 counts as mid life). Beem spending money like crazy trying to buy my happiness almost saying life is too short.

Well be ok guys. I think

It's Katrina for me today. Ten years. I just can't wrap my head around it. Don't want to.

 

[Johnnymac]

I looked around today and realized I'm back in a deep depression. I don't know how long it's been going on - but long enough that I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling to look around and realize why these thoughts are constant again. Wonderful because at least I remembered that these are signs of a problem before I put a gun in my mouth again. Terrible because every time I get out I'm convinced I can somehow keep from getting back here again - that place where every song brings tears to my eyes, and I remember every terrible thing I've ever done, and the idea of drawing another breath just seems... Exhausting.

A client of mine died yesterday. I can't help thinking if I could have made things better faster she wouldn't have killed herself. And her two kids wouldn't be in foster care. And I need a #######ed drink.

I hope you're all doing better than this. There's no need to worry, I'll be around in the morning. Just being a bit of a drama queen. Online and anonymous is kind of the only place I can do that.

I'd like to stop being responsible for awhile.

Hey Henry, it seems like you have great self-awareness. I wish I would have had that a few years ago. It truly is an amazing thing that you recognize that you may be in some trouble. I dont think most people have that ability. Keep on keeping on and know that you can come here and vent. Best wishes to you.

 

[Henry Ford]

If you're Johnny Mac from Big Brother, I want to adopt you.

 

[Johnnymac]

I have come to realize something else about myself and am wondering if anyone else feels this way. In a way I think I'm happier if I'm depressed...if that makes sense??? I mean, I think it's something that is so ingrained in me that I get scared if things go well, or if I'm momentarily happy. It's as if feeling good about my life or things in general is not good. I know I'm not making any sense. I guess it's just a hard thing for me to expalin. In fact, I think one of my biggest issues throughout my entire life is.....fear. I'm afraid all the time, of what, I have no idea. This has been pervasive in me since I was a very young kid.

Anyway, I am fine, in fact this is like a light bulb going off for me. I think I have found one of my problems.

 

[Johnnymac]

If you're Johnny Mac from Big Brother, I want to adopt you.

Nope, definitely not on big brother.

 

[Henry Ford]

You're making sense. For me, it's just that the vast majority of my life has been spent depressed. It feels "right" more than happy. And yeah it's messed up.

 

[Henry Ford]

If you're Johnny Mac from Big Brother, I want to adopt you.

Nope, definitely not on big brother.

Ah, well. Still, that guy makes me smile.

 

[Johnnymac]

You're making sense. For me, it's just that the vast majority of my life has been spent depressed. It feels "right" more than happy. And yeah it's messed up.

Yeah that's what I mean. You said it way better and with alot fewer words. I tried to explain this to my sister and she was like...huh?? i told her that the depression is who I am, to change that changes me, which I guess would be a good thing but it does not feel "right".

 

[Henry Ford]

I liken it to a person in an abusive relationship.

 

[El Floppo]

You're making sense. For me, it's just that the vast majority of my life has been spent depressed. It feels "right" more than happy. And yeah it's messed up.

Yeah that's what I mean. You said it way better and with alot fewer words. I tried to explain this to my sister and she was like...huh?? i told her that the depression is who I am, to change that changes me, which I guess would be a good thing but it does not feel "right".

I had these kind of talks with my dad many times- he really couldn't understand/empathize... no matter how hard he tried (and he really tried- bless him). one of the last talks we had was one of the first times that I think he fully understood that he really didn't understand. even that was something.

and I want to apologize- I honestly thought this was the depression thread. definitely not feeling even remotely suicidal myself tonight. depressed yes, but since the kids, any thoughts of ending things went out the window. but thanks to all of you for the kind words and support- means a ton

 

[Henry Ford]

I'm pretty sure no one in here has a problem with people who are depressed posting about depression.

 

[Smack Tripper]

I looked around today and realized I'm back in a deep depression. I don't know how long it's been going on - but long enough that I can't remember what it's like to feel normal. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling to look around and realize why these thoughts are constant again. Wonderful because at least I remembered that these are signs of a problem before I put a gun in my mouth again. Terrible because every time I get out I'm convinced I can somehow keep from getting back here again - that place where every song brings tears to my eyes, and I remember every terrible thing I've ever done, and the idea of drawing another breath just seems... Exhausting.

A client of mine died yesterday. I can't help thinking if I could have made things better faster she wouldn't have killed herself. And her two kids wouldn't be in foster care. And I need a #######ed drink.

I hope you're all doing better than this. There's no need to worry, I'll be around in the morning. Just being a bit of a drama queen. Online and anonymous is kind of the only place I can do that.

I'd like to stop being responsible for awhile.

I can relate, and I almost feel bad for not being there now, so I am familiar with the presence, and absence, that darkness presents. I'

I'm the same way, and I don't like to mention it, like talking during a no-hitter, and I can't tell you when, why or how I got to feeling good any more than I can recollect when I"m in your shoes when I wake up feeling bad.

There's no magic bullet to fix all these problems. I just find, its a lot of, and I mean a LOT of small choices, positive choices, that can give you somewhat of a foundation. Sometimes, maybe oftentimes, that means starting by going through the motions. But if you make enough "right" choices (limiting or eliminating your chemicals or other addictions, getting some exercise, interacting with some people), you will keep that momentum and before you've even realized it, the car is moving and you feel good about good choices and want to keep making them. You have some resevior of progress to protect.

But I'm glad you shared your thoughts here and hopefully there's a half penny in my two cents to help and even if not, I'm pulling for you buddy because feeling like #### isn't normal and you deserve better

 

[Spin]

Not sure if anybody noticed I was gone since the beginning of December.

It was because of this very topic. My 2nd attempt in 4 years. I was isolating myself, was overwhelmed with stress at work and never dealt with my sister's death a couple of months ago. Took a lot of Tylenol. Not a way to die. Very ugly and painful.

Ended up in the Hospital for 7 days, then in the pysch ward for another 7 days. Where, after many long talks, a great doctor diagnosed me with Bi-Polar and got me on Lithium, which has been great. Really has stabilized me.

And the last couple of weeks, I have been in a partial hospitalization group therapy (6 Hours a day Monday-Saturday). It has been pretty helpful. I am now moving to a less intensive therapy (3 hours for Mon-Thurs) starting tomorrow

I can never undo the pain I have caused my family and friends. My kids are talking to me at least, but I know they are still pissed at me. I have a lot of work to repair that relationship.

And I have a lot of sh** I need to do to fix my own life. Lot of the stuff I need to do is pretty effen scary, but I feel hope. It can work.

I have been trying to avoid my various sites because I need to work on my real life relationships and not be so much online. But for some reason I logged on here and saw the thread. So I told my story. I will disappear again for a while, but will be back for the 2014 Summer T-Shirt exchange if not sooner.

I will check PM's every other day in case somebody wants to talk about depression, Mental Illness or Suicide. I have been there and it is not worth it

And Curlynight, thanks for the link, I will check it out

Take care all

Good to hear from you... Im not a pill popper... and im not one to make idle threats. I have my letter written... just need to make sure my last wishes are understood.

JC, that was an odd post of you to choose to bump... I'm worried about Badmojo. Has anyone heard from him? Does anyone know him IRL? He does the Tshirt exchange and is usually pretty active with it, but he's completely disappeared this year. Last online July 15th.

 

[MikeIke]

You're making sense. For me, it's just that the vast majority of my life has been spent depressed. It feels "right" more than happy. And yeah it's messed up.

Yeah that's what I mean. You said it way better and with alot fewer words. I tried to explain this to my sister and she was like...huh?? i told her that the depression is who I am, to change that changes me, which I guess would be a good thing but it does not feel "right".

That's a great way of saying it. I've been dealing with depression for more than 20 years. Honestly, I just feel like it's a part of me now. Certainly I can have moments of joy, but in the end my default setting is hopelessness and just going through the motions. At least the new fantasy football season is about to start. Draft Day on Tuesday, baby!

 

[Judge Smails]

Thoughts are with all of you guys dealing with this...

 

[Chaos Commish]

Thoughts are with all of you guys dealing with this...

This really is a helluva thread.

 

[Frostillicus]

This may sound trite and almost certainly sounds stupid, but reading this thread every once in a while helps me out. There are times I feel very stressed and very sad and I think I'm depressed. Then I read this and see what some of you are dealing with and how true depression is a serous mental issue and it's not just being stressed and sad, it's a very serious thing and I have no idea what it is like and I feel better. I hope this makes sense. I'm pretty drunk and if it turns out I'm being offensive or a moron I will delete tomorrow. I do think this thread is great for those who need it, and sometimes I do.

 

[cstu]

You're making sense. For me, it's just that the vast majority of my life has been spent depressed. It feels "right" more than happy. And yeah it's messed up.

Yeah that's what I mean. You said it way better and with alot fewer words. I tried to explain this to my sister and she was like...huh?? i told her that the depression is who I am, to change that changes me, which I guess would be a good thing but it does not feel "right".

That's a great way of saying it. I've been dealing with depression for more than 20 years. Honestly, I just feel like it's a part of me now. Certainly I can have moments of joy, but in the end my default setting is hopelessness and just going through the motions.At least the new fantasy football season is about to start. Draft Day on Tuesday, baby!

Mine's on Wednesday so I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

 

[Johnnymac]

Thoughts are with all of you guys dealing with this...

This really is a helluva thread.

It's the all time "best thread" here. I mean, this thread is real. Lots of fun stuff, schtick, and downright dog fighting in other threads. But this thread is the real deal. This thread helps me tremendously and I can't quantify it. I can ignore it for long periods of time but it is THE thread I come back to for.....help.

I get snarky in lots of threads and I hate myself for it, just no point to it. I type stuff and hit enter and say to myself, why did I do that?? What is the point of what I just wrote? To belittle someone on a message board? Ridiculous...

Anyway, I come back to this thread because it's important to me. I have let out stuff in here that most people in my personal circle dont know about.

Thanks for listening

 

[IC FBGCav]

I have never had a real attempt since I have been an adult. What works for me is silence.............I will go into work sometimes late just to get that calm. No one in the house but me and the dog..........total calm. It is worth a 100 weekends to just get that peace when I can.

 

[AAABatteries]

This may sound trite and almost certainly sounds stupid, but reading this thread every once in a while helps me out. There are times I feel very stressed and very sad and I think I'm depressed. Then I read this and see what some of you are dealing with and how true depression is a serous mental issue and it's not just being stressed and sad, it's a very serious thing and I have no idea what it is like and I feel better. I hope this makes sense. I'm pretty drunk and if it turns out I'm being offensive or a moron I will delete tomorrow. I do think this thread is great for those who need it, and sometimes I do.

Hopefully you aren't being offensive because I totally get what you are saying. I consider myself lucky because I am happy most of the time. When I'm not and I feel down I've wondered before if I was depressed and maybe on some very small level I was but I can say it's nothing like what folks describe in here.

Good luck Henry and everyone else - just know there's folks here who consider you a friend and want you around.

 

[Henry Ford]

Someone, not sure who, (maybe my therapist) told me that people find comfort in what they know. And for down people, turning life around and being happy is not familiar, not comfortable. That it's easier and more comforting to be down. The key is, she said, to recognize when things are good, and to accept the happiness it brings. And long term, to retrain yourself to accept happiness, and create a new norm.

I think about that often when I'm down - am I down because it's what I know, or because it's warranted. Usually it's because I've gone with what I know...and chose unhappiness.

Just a thought. No judgement at all - we all have our demons.

So your therapist is suggesting I have some kind of... Down syndrome?

 

[Spin]

Anyone heard from Badmojo? I was hoping JC had and that's why he bumped his post from 2014.

 

[CurlyNight]

He did mention awhile back that he was going to stay away from the boards and spend more irl time. He got too addicted to the 'net it seems.

Hugs, well gentle hugs, to everyone here battling something. Read/follow things that keep you up. Stay away from news as it's always bad and such. I re-read Corbin's past year battle with cancer to give me inspiration. Find what does it for you. It really does help to set a goal to be like so and so with small steps leading up to it. Draw from whatever helps you, and there's a lot. And above all remember, your life does matter. I've had people who used to mock the hell out of me that I thought really did hate me send me pms of well wishes. No one wishes anyone to be down or in pain. People who don't know you well really do care. So take comfort in that.

It also is amazing to read/hear how many lives I've touched with my attitude and all. Feels great to be able to help even one person, and this helps keep me going and up as well.