shadyridr
Footballguy
i get home from work earlier than my wife. Im the breadwinner too. I pick up my son from daycare, make dinner, give him a bath. My wife does the laundry, does more of the cleaning.
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Tell Me Why I Should Have Children... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Nikki2200
- Start date
McGarnicle
Footballguy
Awful
MaxThreshold
Footballguy
WTF is this? Are you in the right thread? If you were trying to be funny you failed miserably.
Cliff Clavin
Footballguy
fasteddie_21
2006 NM Poker Champ
While we're missing out on some things by not having kids, my wife and I are totally content just having us and our dog. Being a DINK family has its perks too.
If you're not sure, I wouldn't have kids, imo. If you decide, down-the-road, that yes, you're sure you do, you can always adopt!
If you're not sure, I wouldn't have kids, imo. If you decide, down-the-road, that yes, you're sure you do, you can always adopt!
T Bell
Footballguy
First of all, if your marriage is shaky and you are concerned about the effort your partner is putting into it, then I'd suggest you should strongly consider not having kids until you work out those issues. I'd add that you sound very controlling and OCD, so I'd suspect that some of these things you complain about are being contributed to if not caused by you.
Did you hurriedly marry this guy, at least in part, because of your biological clock?
Second, you want kids because you want to experience the relatively selfless joy of nurturing a young person into adulthood while occupying the massively important and incomparable role (in their eyes) of "mother". I don't care how involved you were with young siblings, this isn't the same. I think you know that.
It's fine to be unsure or scared of the impact this will have on your life, and I think it's typical of childless people in their 30's (it was for me); at least you have respect for the fact that kids are life-changing. I also leave ample room for the possibility that you'd surprise yourself about how well you'd do as a mom - the truth is relatively few people truly know what they're getting into at the outset when they have kids, but then it's always been that way and the various joys of discovery are part of the process for parents as well as children.
My suggestion is work hard on your marriage. There's nothing more miserable than the guilt that comes with being a parent in the midst of a divorce.
The other stuff is relatively minor. If you're terrified of stretch marks, then adopt.
Did you hurriedly marry this guy, at least in part, because of your biological clock?
Second, you want kids because you want to experience the relatively selfless joy of nurturing a young person into adulthood while occupying the massively important and incomparable role (in their eyes) of "mother". I don't care how involved you were with young siblings, this isn't the same. I think you know that.
It's fine to be unsure or scared of the impact this will have on your life, and I think it's typical of childless people in their 30's (it was for me); at least you have respect for the fact that kids are life-changing. I also leave ample room for the possibility that you'd surprise yourself about how well you'd do as a mom - the truth is relatively few people truly know what they're getting into at the outset when they have kids, but then it's always been that way and the various joys of discovery are part of the process for parents as well as children.
My suggestion is work hard on your marriage. There's nothing more miserable than the guilt that comes with being a parent in the midst of a divorce.
The other stuff is relatively minor. If you're terrified of stretch marks, then adopt.
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Hoos First
Footballguy
Bigger boobs
sbonomo
Footballguy
I am 37 and have been married for four years. When the wife and i talked about this subject, pre marriage, both agreed no kids. I am selfish, i dont like kids for more than an afternoon and i want to retire early. We have three nieces that are going to need help.in life so my wife will have plenty of opportunity if she feels like she needs a kid. Imo there is nothing wrong with not having kids. Last, sounds like your husband needs a good talking too. I am the only bread winner in our house. I dont clean or do laundry, but would get someone to help with it if and hopefully when my wife gets a job. I do cook and do dishes about half the time and i am in charge of all the finances and house repair and up keep....make that lazy sack of #### help out more.
Baloney Sandwich
Footballguy
I love the I took care of my siblings/nieces/nephews so I know exactly what having my own kids would be like schtick.
Jobber
Footballguy
Same here, for the most part. Wife works about 20 hours a week and we have 3 kids.Ned Ryerson said:
To the OP's point about being old and just sitting there staring at each other. I had this same thought when glancing at the thread title. Picture being older, where your kids would have been young adults had you had them. Nobody calling to say hello. Nobody to come visit on holidays. No asking for advice, sharing good news of that they got a promotion, or news of grandkids. Then, when your husband passes away someday, you'll be completely alone. And lastly, when you're really old, you'll get put in a home where they bleed your estate of every last dime before turning you over to the state where Buck the orderly brings over nightly visitors for you.
Courtjester
The Town Drunk
I am in the "don't have kids" camp as well.
My wife and I have been together close to 25 years (married for 20), We waited almost 10 years to have our first and when she was born, it was tough. You are never totally ready. You and your spouse argue. You get zero sleep. It is very hard. And I say this to just illustrate from a "long term, happily married couple who planned" position. It puts stresses on your relationship you cannot imagine.
That being said, marriage has to be teamwork. I don't know you, but from your post about cleaning, is it he doesn't want to clean or is it he doesn't do it your way. My wife and I work well together. I do 100% of the shopping/cooking. I would say 50/50 on the cleaning and then as far as laundry, I do the washing and drying, but I am not allowed to fold. It is not that I don't want to do it, I just don't do it "her" way and therefore, by definition, it is wrong.I recognize this and don't even try to go there.
So is it your husband doesn't do the cooking, cleaning, etc or have you made it clear his efforts don't comply with "your" way?
If the answer is he doesn't want to do anything, then you need to seriously reevaluate your marriage and don't even think about kids because they will not make it better. If the answer is he tries and you shoot him down, then the answer is still the same, no kids, but work to change who you are and allow him to be part of the team.
Marriage is hard enough but being a parent is a whole other monster--especially as I sit here typing this and my 14 year old daughter is yelling at me about where her white infinity scarf is. "I need it dad, it is the only scarf that goes with this shirt. I am going to look stupid wearing the blue one" and she storms off.
Yeah, think twice about having kids.
My wife and I have been together close to 25 years (married for 20), We waited almost 10 years to have our first and when she was born, it was tough. You are never totally ready. You and your spouse argue. You get zero sleep. It is very hard. And I say this to just illustrate from a "long term, happily married couple who planned" position. It puts stresses on your relationship you cannot imagine.
That being said, marriage has to be teamwork. I don't know you, but from your post about cleaning, is it he doesn't want to clean or is it he doesn't do it your way. My wife and I work well together. I do 100% of the shopping/cooking. I would say 50/50 on the cleaning and then as far as laundry, I do the washing and drying, but I am not allowed to fold. It is not that I don't want to do it, I just don't do it "her" way and therefore, by definition, it is wrong.I recognize this and don't even try to go there.
So is it your husband doesn't do the cooking, cleaning, etc or have you made it clear his efforts don't comply with "your" way?
If the answer is he doesn't want to do anything, then you need to seriously reevaluate your marriage and don't even think about kids because they will not make it better. If the answer is he tries and you shoot him down, then the answer is still the same, no kids, but work to change who you are and allow him to be part of the team.
Marriage is hard enough but being a parent is a whole other monster--especially as I sit here typing this and my 14 year old daughter is yelling at me about where her white infinity scarf is. "I need it dad, it is the only scarf that goes with this shirt. I am going to look stupid wearing the blue one" and she storms off.
Yeah, think twice about having kids.
boubucarow
Footballguy
I hesitate to mention that for this very reason. I don't know 100% of what it is to be a parent. However, I changed thousands of diapers, lost countless hours of sleep attending to the needs of young children, and participated in thousands of conversations that tended to the mental and emotional needs of infants to teenagers to now young adults. I spent nearly every weekend of my teenage life attending solely to the needs of others. I almost always slept in the same home as a child (usually children) I was taking care of between the ages of 11 to 18 or so. When older, I housed them for weekends or summers whenever they desired. I battled with them when they did wrong or were heading down the wrong path. To this day my two nephews will call me first if there is anything in their life bothering them. I fought for them verbally and physically.
I didn't often bring home the paycheck that supported them and I could take days off that real parents supposedly can't (although I have witnessed many that check out as often as possible). But I have spent more of my money on them then on myself and my mind rarely strayed from their welfare when I was in junior high and high school.
All of this would not have been necessary if my brother and his wife were good parents. My sister also had a child that lived with me for the first couple years of her life and it has been different. I did all of things above but as a involved uncle instead of as a replacement father. She doesn't come to me first, she goes to her mom like it should be.
I have experienced a lot of pain I could have avoided by not being so involved. I have also experience a lot of joy because I was involved.
I don't emotionally know what it is to look at what I created or if there is in fact some special bond that exists because of that. But I don't know if I could have been happier that at my nephew's wedding as his best man. And I don't know if I could have been angrier or more depressed when his father laid his hands on him the first time.
I don't know if any parent reads this and thinks I get it. And my story is too unique to apply to all the aunts and uncles that think they know what parenting is. I know I am not their father and never claim to be. I don't expect anything from them than the understanding that I want the best for them.
Baloney Sandwich
Footballguy
Boubacrow , I would say you get it. As you mentioned, your story is a bit unique
Mister Martie
Footballguy
Your husband sounds like a real catch.
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
I'll give you a serious answer but only after you post a pic of you holding a sign that says "I 
Catshirt Bob". A super serious answer if you have a tit hanging out.
Catshirt Bob". A super serious answer if you have a tit hanging out.
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jamny
Footballguy
You're kind of in a trap Nikki.
Not having kids requires a strong marriage. You have to be able to get along really well or you will just be staring at each other when you get older. Some people live for their kids and it becomes the major talking point in their lives. Without having kids, you need to be able to get along on most other issues to maintain a good relationship. We're going on 20 years with no kids. I still look forward to seeing my wife every night and spending a fun weekend with her.
Not having kids requires a strong marriage. You have to be able to get along really well or you will just be staring at each other when you get older. Some people live for their kids and it becomes the major talking point in their lives. Without having kids, you need to be able to get along on most other issues to maintain a good relationship. We're going on 20 years with no kids. I still look forward to seeing my wife every night and spending a fun weekend with her.
AAABatteries
Footballguy
I'll give you a serious answer but only after you post a pic of you holding a sign that says "I
Jewell
Footballguy
There's nothing quite like reliving the world through your child's eyes. Everything that you now take for granted or have become jaded to, you suddenly appreciate again. Birds flying overhead are no longer just part of the sky that you long ago stopped noticing, they're now something that your toddler loves so the birds, in turn, bring you a joy they haven't brought you since your own youth.
Mundane parts of your everyday life now become teachable moments for your child. Seeing your child learn, develop, and grow as a person gives me a sense of satisfaction that I don't find in other aspects of my life.
In short, children reinvigorate life.
The interrupted sleep does really suck, though.
Mundane parts of your everyday life now become teachable moments for your child. Seeing your child learn, develop, and grow as a person gives me a sense of satisfaction that I don't find in other aspects of my life.
In short, children reinvigorate life.
The interrupted sleep does really suck, though.
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NutterButter
Footballguy
Having kids can be really rough at times, but man, there are some really awesome highs. Highs that can't be replicated by going on vacations or buying material things. I think I've had more that my share of moments where I wish I didn't have kids, but those moments pass and you're glad you do. Its also a long term arraignment. There's a series of stages. When the kids go off to college, it makes that stage of your life that much sweeter. When your kids have their own kids, now you're in the grandparent stage which I'd imagine makes that stage of your life where you're limited physically that much sweeter.
jamny
Footballguy
Obviously a horrible life outcome but there are plenty of parents who die alone in a nursing home after their children abandoned them. How painful that must be, to sacrifice a major portion of your life only to see them forget about you at the end.
northern exposure
Footballguy
This guy gets it. In order to provide a well thought out answer to your question, the FFA needs to see some pics of you. Preferably nekkid ones. PM will be fine. TIA.I'll give you a serious answer but only after you post a pic of you holding a sign that says "I
El Floppo
Footballguy
El Floppo
Footballguy
I'll give you a serious answer but only after you post a pic of you holding a sign that says "I
I'm imagining the edit being SLB trying to figure out how to get the heart thingee to work.
T Bell
Footballguy
If you're doing it for selfish reasons, then you're doing it wrong and will ultimately be disappointed or at least a gigantic ####. Good parenting is about making sacrifices and that consists over time of thousands of small things that you either do or forego that you'll never get credit for.
Hopefully your kids one day will express appreciation for what you did for them. Often this happens when they have kids of their own. The point is that this is the ultimate "pay it forward" scenario, and not one where you're going to get instant gratification.
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Ilov80s
Footballguy
People have kids because they want kids, isn't that just as selfish as not having kids because they don't want kids?
T Bell
Footballguy
"I volunteer at the homeless shelter because I want to volunteer at the homeless shelter, so it's a selfish act."
I think you're deconstructing to the point of absurdity here.
The point is that raising kids is anything but a "for-profit" enterprise.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
I know some people that have kids because they think it's the next thing they should do, it would be fun and cute to have a kid, it might help their marriage. I am sure there are also a good portion that have kids because they want to create some better version of themselves or something. Maybe I just don't get it."I volunteer at the homeless shelter because I want to volunteer at the homeless shelter, so it's a selfish act."
I think you're deconstructing to the point of absurdity here.
The point is that raising kids is anything but a "for-profit" enterprise.
NewlyRetired
Footballguy
Like others said, you need to fix your marriage first. It is absolutely unacceptable that he does not share, even in a small percentage, of the housework.
As a side note, why would you ever enter a partnership like marriage knowing your partner would do nothing to help the household? The fact that you think that a typical male does nothing in the house sounds like just a way to justify a very bad life choice. I don't know a single stable married couple where one of the two does nothing in terms of housework.
Until you fix that major issue, I would not introduce a child into that. The work load increase when you go from no kids to kids is jarring, and even more so if you both work full time.
As a side note, why would you ever enter a partnership like marriage knowing your partner would do nothing to help the household? The fact that you think that a typical male does nothing in the house sounds like just a way to justify a very bad life choice. I don't know a single stable married couple where one of the two does nothing in terms of housework.
Until you fix that major issue, I would not introduce a child into that. The work load increase when you go from no kids to kids is jarring, and even more so if you both work full time.
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Oracle
Footballguy
I understand. I would suggest talking to your friends/other women to ask for suggestions. Even with doing that it will take going through a couple/few mamasons before you find someone who can clean to your standards. Having lived in Japan for the last couple of years I have found that Asians are far superior cleaners to anybody I ever used stateside.
Angry Beavers
Footballguy
Don't have kids, at least not with this husband. The need to share in duties around the house and not be selfish multiplies a hundred times or more when kids are involved. Good Luck
Mr. Know-It-All
Footballguy
Definitely agree with the buyer's remorse comment. Been there. Thought I would solve it by adding a kid into the mix, then another....then another. Guess what, it didn't fix anything and if anything exacerbated many of the issues with regard to marriage relationship. Well 25 years (and 5 kids) later, our oldest is getting married and I have highly advised her against having children until they are 5 years into the marriage and have figured out their own relationship before adding the parenting dynamic.
Kids are great. They are the joy of my life and one of the reasons that drives me to success in life not to mention just the simple satisfaction of watching them develop into awesome young adults. But, they aren't for everyone.
Kids are great. They are the joy of my life and one of the reasons that drives me to success in life not to mention just the simple satisfaction of watching them develop into awesome young adults. But, they aren't for everyone.
jwb
Footballguy
This is us (14 years here). And yea, you have to have a really strong marriage, and actually enjoy being together, to not have kids.
OK That's sort of racist. I had a cleaning service that was made up of all white/black women in Philadelphia when I lived in the city that would clean the place better than I would and they got it done in 4 hours.
I've been busy... sorry. But I just want to report to all of you that I have taken your advice and filed for divorce because my marriage was clearly ####ed up and never should have happened. Because he doesn't do dishes and laundry and #####.
Thanks for enlightening me and making me see I was in an awful marriage.
Thanks for enlightening me and making me see I was in an awful marriage.
I assume this is sarcasm. It probably is not grounds for divorce, but it is something that needs to change before having kids with the guy.
Yes. It was sarcasm. I guess this is a forum full of guys and they aren't used to women just #####ing about their husbands. My point wasn't that my husband sucked. My point was that I'm already tired. And I fully know what adding children into the mix would entail.
In my husband's defense here... we live on 10 acres of property and it has been snowing every 3 days in the Philly area and he's gone out every day trying to deal with our huge driveway so we can both get to work. He has chopped a plethora of fire wood for the winter. He takes care of my cat every day. It's not like he's sitting around playing PS3 all day. He literally has no idea how to cook. He can basically throw a piece of meat on a grill pan and that's it. Yes it is mildly annoying to me that I have to cook everything, but at the same time, cooking is my thing. I'm a really good cook, not to brag, but I am. I think I banned him from doing laundry after I saw how he did it. And when it comes to cleaning there is no way I could expect him to understand my level of what is clean vs. what is not clean. He would never see it that way.
I think I made a post somehow #####ing about my husband because I was tired and in a bad mood. But my main point was that I am aware of this and I can't imagine adding kids into the mix and I wanted people to tell me all the good things about having kids. Not that I needed psychoanalysis on my marriage. I got married fairly late and I've seen it all. If the biggest problem we are facing is the fact that he doesn't scrub bathrooms, I think we're in pretty good shape. Oh and BTW we lived together for 2 years before we got married so none of this is new at all.
OK, he's not terrible. How many dots do you give out on a weekly basis and what color are they?
xulf
Footballguy
Paulymaggs
Footballguy
I have no doubt that he does. How many times a day does he take care of said #####cat?
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
So, your husband DOES take care of 10 acres of property, clears the snow, and chops firewood. But YOU have to cook amd clean and YOU are tired and he does nothing to help YOU.
You don't want stretchmarks. You don't want to carry a baby for nine months. You just want to be pampered in the Almafie Islands (whatever and wherever the hell that is), because you are the breadwinner and you deserve it.
I'm beginning to think we owe your husband an apology...
You don't want stretchmarks. You don't want to carry a baby for nine months. You just want to be pampered in the Almafie Islands (whatever and wherever the hell that is), because you are the breadwinner and you deserve it.
I'm beginning to think we owe your husband an apology...
boots11234
Footballguy
McGarnicle
Footballguy
The husband is brilliant. Sorry, I can't help around the house because I don't know how. 
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
FIrst off, I think YOU need counseling. It's apparent to me you have a lot of bitterness or resentment; it may be towards your husband, or someone else. Wherever it's coming from, you need to get rid of it now. If you don't, your relationships will suffer and you will put yourself through a physical hell until you unload. I know, because I was there. After 7 years of counseling, I'm a much calmer and emotionally healthy person. I think that's the first step.
Secondly, I'd see about trying to improve your communication skills with your man. He may be floating along thinking he's doing OK and may not realize that he's not meeting your expectations. Or, he may have resentment towards you based on some of the things you've said here. But you won't know that unless you talk.
I didn't get married until I was 31 and my oldest was born when I was 37 (my wife is 5 years younger). So, while my friends have kids graduating or college bound, mine are in 5th and 6th grade. They have made me appreciate life again and I get great joy when they show me the unconditional love I'm not used to having. However, you need to deal with the issues in my first two paragraphs before you even consider kids.
Secondly, I'd see about trying to improve your communication skills with your man. He may be floating along thinking he's doing OK and may not realize that he's not meeting your expectations. Or, he may have resentment towards you based on some of the things you've said here. But you won't know that unless you talk.
I didn't get married until I was 31 and my oldest was born when I was 37 (my wife is 5 years younger). So, while my friends have kids graduating or college bound, mine are in 5th and 6th grade. They have made me appreciate life again and I get great joy when they show me the unconditional love I'm not used to having. However, you need to deal with the issues in my first two paragraphs before you even consider kids.
Spike
Footballguy
/thread
My opinion, there's nothing wrong with someone who doesn't want children. The ones that are truly wrong are the ones that have them and then don't hold up their end by properly raising them.
HERBERT THE HIPPO
REAL Ultimate Power
Damn...... I was hoping it was true. Gems like you don't hit the free agent market very often.
