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This is funny. (1 Viewer)

3 guys are on a boat. They have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
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Greg Russell said:
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
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Click to expand...
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

 
Keerock said:
Fennis said:
mquinnjr said:
Crashing other people's cell phone calls at the airport

:cry: :lmao:
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:lmao: good stuff
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:lmao: :lmao:
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I did this to a guy in a grocery store line one Christmas. The lines were horrible and this guy was just talking as loud as he could. I start answering his questions softly at first, but eventually it was like we were having a conversation from across the store. I was right behind him. He gave me this weird look and started whispering from that point forward, but I got a head nod from the dude in line next to me, so at least I got some recognition.

Love this video.

 
Greg Russell said:
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
You could easily add the David Caruso image after each one and it would work. :lmao:

 
Texting with the wife, or so I thought:

Her: Will you pick up some groceries on your way home from work?

Me: Sure. Wanna get laid tonight?

Her : Gross Dad. I'm texting for mom as she is driving me to crew. (17 y/o daughter)

Me : :doh:

 
ffjunk said:
Texting with the wife, or so I thought:

Her: Will you pick up some groceries on your way home from work?

Me: Sure. Wanna get laid tonight?

Her : Gross Dad. I'm texting for mom as she is driving me to crew. (17 y/o daughter)

Me : :doh:
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
Rand Paul told a joke:

Mr. President, you love to trade people, the Kentucky Republican and likely 2016 contender said to laughs, a reference to the deal made for the return of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl.

Why dont we set up a trade? But this time, instead of five Taliban, how about five Democrats? Im thinking John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, couldnt we send them to Mexico? (For a Marine being held in Mexico prison)

When questioned about it, his reply:

"I was only kidding.Well, not about Nancy Pelosi."

 
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