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This is funny. (1 Viewer)

sam-gross-couple-dining-in-restaurant-watch-as-a-legless-frog-emerges-from-the-kitch-cartoon.jpg


 
Called our HR department about our incentives program - I was trying to find out some details on an incentive I received a couple of years ago.  I know we have an outside group manage the plan but I was hoping HR could quickly give me the answer.  The HR rep seemed very eager to help me but also seemed like she didn't know what was going on.  Finally, after numerous attempts to get the information we have this exchange:

HR lady: "Sir, I'm sorry but I think you'll need to call the portfolio management group"

Me: "that's no problem, thanks for trying to help me."

HR lady: "Absolutely and it shows here the name of the lady who manages that - would you like her number?"

Me: "that would be great"

HR lady: "ok, the number is 888 blah and her name is Merrill Lynch"

Me: (trying not to laugh). "Her name is Merrill Lynch?  She manges the portfolio?"

HR lady: "Yes sir"

:lmao:  

 
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

 
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

 
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Trump 's pocket and got out $20.

 
Two Deep said:
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Trump 's pocket and got out $20.
Click to expand...
FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: OMG IT'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE IT IS SO TRUE LIBTARDS IS A MENTAL DISSORDER  LIKE = BUILD A WALL  SHARE = GOD IS GREAT  REPLY AMEN FOR TRUMP/LIMBAUGH 2016

 
jdoggydogg said:
If y'all liked that you should check out Eric Andre on FX's Man Seeking Woman. He's great and so is the show.
Click to expand...
That's a good show. We just caught up with Season 2 on our dvr and it's consistently funny and unpredictable.

I've been watching some episodes of The Eric Andre Show. That guy is freakin' out of his mind. :lmao:

 
jamny said:
That's a good show. We just caught up with Season 2 on our dvr and it's consistently funny and unpredictable.

I've been watching some episodes of The Eric Andre Show. That guy is freakin' out of his mind. :lmao:
Click to expand...
Andre is hilarious. I totally need to check out his show.

 
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called MacTavish's where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She moves over to him and says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

He's stunned. His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. The guy says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

 
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

 
Yo mamma is so fat when she steps on a scale it says TO BE CONTINUED...
Yo mamma is so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.
Yo mamma is so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mamma is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo mamma is so fat when she stepped on the scale her phone number came up.
Yo mamma is so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
Yo mamma is so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
Yo mamma is so fat that she could sell shade.
Yo mamma is so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo mamma is so fat, local night clubs put up signs that read, "Maximum Occupancy: Yo mamma."
Yo mamma is so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.
Yo mamma is so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck.
Yo mamma is so fat that she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
Yo mamma is so fat she don't take pictures, she takes posters.
Yo mamma is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.
Yo mamma is so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ###.
Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes walking outside in heels she strikes oil.
Yo mamma is so fat, she doesn't fit in this joke.

 
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