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Today is National Tell A Joke Day - August 16th (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Galileo
- Start date
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
I go to a ballgame with a business associate. A few minutes after we take our seats, someone 10-15 rows behind us yells "Hey, Bob!". My friend stands up, looks back to see who called out, shrugs after no one says more or identifies themselves, sits back down.
Few innings later, hands filled with beers & dogs, we hear "Hey, Bob!" again. My buddy tries to hand me his comestibles but my hands are full already, so he sloughs them off on the stranger to the other side of him, stands up, looks back, nothin'. He throws his hands up in near-total disgust, then sits back down.
The necessary amount of time elapses until it is proper within the comedy rule-of-threes to call out again, then we hear "Hey, Bob!" My pal bursts & spins simultaneously to confront his tormenter and finally yells out, in utter despair, "My name's not Bob!!!"
Few innings later, hands filled with beers & dogs, we hear "Hey, Bob!" again. My buddy tries to hand me his comestibles but my hands are full already, so he sloughs them off on the stranger to the other side of him, stands up, looks back, nothin'. He throws his hands up in near-total disgust, then sits back down.
The necessary amount of time elapses until it is proper within the comedy rule-of-threes to call out again, then we hear "Hey, Bob!" My pal bursts & spins simultaneously to confront his tormenter and finally yells out, in utter despair, "My name's not Bob!!!"
McGarnicle
Footballguy
Kid comes home from school. "Mom! I had sex with my English teacher!"
"Johnny! You go tell your father what you just told me!"
Kid goes out to the garage and tells his dad.
"I'm proud of you son. You've become a man today. Whaddya say we go out for ice cream, and I'll buy you that new bike you've had your eye on?"
"Uh, maybe just the ice cream today."
"But Johnny, I thought you needed a new bike?"
"Yeah, but right now my ### is killing me."
"Johnny! You go tell your father what you just told me!"
Kid goes out to the garage and tells his dad.
"I'm proud of you son. You've become a man today. Whaddya say we go out for ice cream, and I'll buy you that new bike you've had your eye on?"
"Uh, maybe just the ice cream today."
"But Johnny, I thought you needed a new bike?"
"Yeah, but right now my ### is killing me."
Angry Beavers
Footballguy
A photon walks into a bar and order a beer.
The bartender says "why so sad?"
The Proton says " I lost an electron today"
The bartender replies " Are you sure?"
The proton declares " Yes, I am positive"
The bartender says "why so sad?"
The Proton says " I lost an electron today"
The bartender replies " Are you sure?"
The proton declares " Yes, I am positive"
Quint
Footballguy
Two guys are walking in a field and come upon a well. One guy picks up a rock, walks over to the edge of the well, and throws it down there. He stands there waiting to hear a noise: 1….2….3….4….5 seconds and no sound at all. He turns to his buddy and says, “Dang, that’s one deep-### well.”
As they start to leave, the other guy notices a rusted out, hunk of junk transmission lying in the weeds a few yards away. The two guys look at each other, nod, walk over to the transmission, and proceed to drag it over to the well. With some effort, they lift it over the edge an throw it down, waiting to hear a sound: 1….2….3….4….5 seconds and nothing. No sound at all. First guy turns to the other and says, “DANG! That is one deep well!”
Just as he says this, from out of nowhere, a goat comes charging at a full sprint right at them. The two guys are barely able to jump out of the way, as the goat dives down the well. Scared and shaken, realizing how lucky they were the goat didn’t knock them into the well, they continue their journey through the field.
After walking about a quarter mile, they come upon a farmer. They wave, and the farmer calls out to them, “Hey fellas. Have you seen my goat?”
The first guy responds, “Your goat?! He damn near killed us a few minutes ago…almost knocked us into a well back there!”
Farmer says, “No, that couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a transmission.”
As they start to leave, the other guy notices a rusted out, hunk of junk transmission lying in the weeds a few yards away. The two guys look at each other, nod, walk over to the transmission, and proceed to drag it over to the well. With some effort, they lift it over the edge an throw it down, waiting to hear a sound: 1….2….3….4….5 seconds and nothing. No sound at all. First guy turns to the other and says, “DANG! That is one deep well!”
Just as he says this, from out of nowhere, a goat comes charging at a full sprint right at them. The two guys are barely able to jump out of the way, as the goat dives down the well. Scared and shaken, realizing how lucky they were the goat didn’t knock them into the well, they continue their journey through the field.
After walking about a quarter mile, they come upon a farmer. They wave, and the farmer calls out to them, “Hey fellas. Have you seen my goat?”
The first guy responds, “Your goat?! He damn near killed us a few minutes ago…almost knocked us into a well back there!”
Farmer says, “No, that couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a transmission.”
CGRdrJoe
Footballguy
A Blonde Phone Call To Mom
"Hi Mom, it's me."
"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at the Ace Hardware?"
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth... Why did you do that???"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault.
Dad told me to find a "Black and Decker”.
Mom, I knocked the sh!t out of her.
"Hi Mom, it's me."
"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at the Ace Hardware?"
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth... Why did you do that???"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault.
Dad told me to find a "Black and Decker”.
Mom, I knocked the sh!t out of her.
CGRdrJoe
Footballguy
Seven year old
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" , asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the #### out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the #### out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ####ing Muslims."
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" , asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the #### out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the #### out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ####ing Muslims."
rockaction
Footballguy
All of these 
Dan Lambskin
Footballguy
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a ********. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The ******** is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the ******** didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the ********, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the ******** jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the ******** didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the ********, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the ******** jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
Jules Winnfield
Footballguy
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino
Walk him and pitch to the rhino
Galileo
Footballguy
A men's four ball game were waiting at the men's tee while four women were teeing off at the ladies.
As it was a fine spring day the ladies were not rushing.
When the final women had her ball teed up, she hacked 10ft. Calmly, she walk over and addressed it again but then completely missed the ball with her swing. Taking a third try she hacked it another 10ft, On her 4th try she only got it an additional 5ft.
At this point, she looked at the men who had been patiently waiting and said apologetically, "I guess all those ####### lessons I took over the winter didn't help at all."
To which one one of the men immediately responded, " Well there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead,"
As it was a fine spring day the ladies were not rushing.
When the final women had her ball teed up, she hacked 10ft. Calmly, she walk over and addressed it again but then completely missed the ball with her swing. Taking a third try she hacked it another 10ft, On her 4th try she only got it an additional 5ft.
At this point, she looked at the men who had been patiently waiting and said apologetically, "I guess all those ####### lessons I took over the winter didn't help at all."
To which one one of the men immediately responded, " Well there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead,"
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "You will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "Any day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
The fortune teller replies: "You will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "Any day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
The Irish Funeral
A man was walking home when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said :
"I'm sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He enquired further. "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered,"My mother in law. She. Was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A man was walking home when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said :
"I'm sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He enquired further. "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered,"My mother in law. She. Was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
OrtonToOlsen
Footballguy
:roarin:
