I am going to post my vasectomy procedure story here, for those of you wondering what it is like. I need to find the email I sent immediately after.
Keerock, if you are going to a Beaumont group let me know which...there is a group I would not recommend based on my experience and also a buddy's experience.
I will be going to a Urologist in West Bloomfield that was recommended by and esteemed fellow FBG... Not affiliated with Beaumont AFAIK.
OK, different spot. Here are the details of what happens during a vasectomy as told one vicodin down:
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So, before I get into the details I should say that it's 3pm and my appointment was for 12:30pm. The whole thing is remarkably quick and I'm home with frozen peas on my nuts and vicotin. In other words, all is well. I want to get this email out while it is fresh in my mind.
Here's how it goes:
You get there and 5 minutes feels like an hour in anticipation. They know this, so they made me wait for a while after my appointment time. Maybe his last one went long. Uh oh, why could they go long? Finally they take me back, and a nurse takes me through a maze to try and confuse me. I imagine this was part of the general anesthesia efforts. Once they find the "procedure room" they ask me to take off my pants and get on the table with the sheet. The "sheet" is the crinkly paper that you lay on. Cozy. More waiting. My feet are cold. I pick up the random business week and begin reading how Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire. Good Lord the magazine is old. More waiting. I see the tray of surgical instruments, mercilously covered with a "sheet". Only, I can see under the sheet. This looks a little intimidating. Feels like an hour but it's only about 10 minutes.
Finally, at 1pm, the parties are assembled. There are two nurses, one doctor, and my balls. One nurse is just observing because she's never seen it done. I am the guinea pig - as if this isn't uncomfortable enough already. The doctor removes the sheet and the nurse hands him the razor. No hot nurse to shave - I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed. He shaves a bit too quickly for my liking. Does he not know the importance of what he is dealing with? This makes me nervous about what will come next. He uses tape to remove the loose hair. That's weird. He then douses the boys with that yellow brown cleaning stuff that stains your skin. It is running down my crack like nobody's business. The nurses are watching.
Now the fun really starts. The doctor tells me he is going to place a towel over me, which is code for more crinkly paper. Only this time, the crinkly paper has a circle hole in it, and the doctor pulls my sack up through the hole. The boys are now propped up through the hole with a spot light shining on them. I am taking deep breaths, and basically using the old Newsweek to prevent myself from seeing any of the coming destruction. He declares there will be a pinch, which is the local. It isn't bad. I'm not sure where he shot me and I'm trying very hard not to find out. There are three pinches, then a big pinch which I assume was the first cut.
I'm not going to go into much detail for the next steps except to say it involves cutting, tying, burning, and capping tubs. All of those things, can't be too safe. The burning part hurts and I am not shy asking for more local. I get that hot sweaty thing for a little bit and the observing nurse saves the day by starting to make conversation. God bless her. About 10 minutes in and he's ready for the second nut. Repeat. More shots on the left side and the pain isn't as bad as the right. Nurses are still watching but at this point the conversation is flowing. The nurse knows my life story in just 20 mintues. Anything to avoid focusing on the main event. At this point I'm cracking some jokes. I'm not going to pass out now. I tell the doctor I am timing him.
The doctor finishes the mangling and re-mangling on the left side, and begins the sutures. He is talking the observer through it, and explains how he is stiching two different layers. I am too exhausted to bother asking. All I know is how totally relieved I am that he is stiching my protruding nuts back together. The end is in sight. It seems weird, but when he was sewing me up, it was the most relieved I can ever remember feeling. My balls are propped up and he's going at them with a needle, and I'm totally at peace.
The nurse asks me how the article was and we share a laugh. They are like family now. The doctor tells me that he has to rinse the yellow brown stuff off now, and that although the water is room temperature it will feel cold against my warm body. Um, ok. Pretty sure that won't be a big deal doc.
The cuts are really small and the hardest part since the procedure has been keeping the rugrats off my lap. I think PL Jr. is pretty concerned about all this. I was waiting for the local to wear off and some really bad pain, but it really hasn't happened. I took a vicodin anyway. I've been through a lot today, I deserve it.
They say to lay low for 48 hours, ice up for 24 hours, and no heavy lifting for a week. They also say my balls could turn a bunch of colors, presumably in time for the fourth of July. Pretty sure all of that means golf on Sunday is still fine. Only disappointment I have is that they have told me to use other protection for 4 full months, which I'm certain I am incapable of.
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