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What’s the right time? (1 Viewer)

Beef Ravioli

Beef Ravioli

Footballguy
After the death of a spouse, to start dating/be in a relationship?

I know there is not a textbook answer and a lot of unknown variables go into it, BUT....I know a dude that lost his wife two months ago, tops. She had been sick for quite a while, not that old (early to mid 40’s) and they had multiple kids. They appeared to have a very good marriage, and he seemed to be very supportive and faithful during her illness. 

This last week, I’m scrolling through the Facebook feed and I see his pic come up with a “relationship” status. At first, I thought it was going to be a funny about he’s in a relationship with football or a car but it’s a ladies name. 

I haven’t and Lord willing won’t have to walk in his moccasins but two months seems very fast and awkward to me. He obviously has been talking/dating this lady prior to this to now be in a “relationship”. 

I know another dude that jumped into a relationship/marriage very soon after the death of his spouse. It was a disaster and he is/was full of regret but he claimed he moved so quickly because he had young kids and he kind of panicked. Maybe that’s part of this scenario????

I really don’t know the guy that well, not going to talk to him about it and it will have no bearing on our relationship but does anyone else think that’s to soon? My wife is not surprised and believes guys can’t handle being alone???

I’ll hang up and listen.

 
Beef Ravioli said:
My wife is not surprised and believes guys can’t handle being alone???

I’ll hang up and listen.
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Your wife's assertion is old folk wisdom. I've heard it before. 

As far as your friend going out with someone, I'm a bit of a relativist when it comes to coping with grief. People grieve (or refuse to) in differing ways. Be supportive and not judgmental even if you're hurt by this. His happiness is now the first thing you should be thinking of.  

 
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If the wife was sick for a while, she might have been the one to tell him to start to move on when she was diagnosed as terminal. 

You just don't know dude.  :shrug:

 
I'm going to avoid this whole issue by starting to date before she gets sick or dies.  Then I won't have to worry about looking like a #### for dating too early. 

 
Not really sure why it matters.  Why does anyone feel the need to judge?  Whatever feels right for that dude and his situation, so be it.

 
You probably shouldn't take a date to your spouse's funeral. Beyond that you should probably do what you're comfortable doing because, no matter what, someone's going to be offended.

 
Galileo said:
Not really sure why it matters.  Why does anyone feel the need to judge?  Whatever feels right for that dude and his situation, so be it.
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I agree with Galileo.

From my individual experience it’s a very personal decision.

I joined match.com 4 months after my wife passed.  Went on 1 very casual lunch date and decided it was way too soon.

Decided after about 10 months I was ready to try again.  Asked a woman I had known for a long time out but for various reasons it didn’t work out and we never dated but we’re still friends.

Started dating the first woman after my wife passed at about 15 months.  That lasted a couple of months.  Thought I was ready, but I’m not totally sure I was.

At 20 months out, I started dating the woman I’m currently in a relationship with. We’re 6 months in and it’s going very well.

A couple of observations.  

1) I believe I needed to go through the first few failed attempts at dating before I was emotionally ready.  I had come out of a very solid 20+year marriage.

2) While I could live alone, and still do with my college age kid, I believe I do better with a partner, even as stressful as it can be sometimes.

 
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Christo said:
You probably shouldn't take a date to your spouse's funeral. Beyond that you should probably do what you're comfortable doing because, no matter what, someone's going to be offended.
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I was overly concerned with certain people thinking I was dating to soon.  I actually talked about it with a couple of my wife’s close friends and family seeking their approval.  To a person they all said my wife would have wanted to see me happy.  Their blessing made it easier, for me at least.

 
Galileo said:
Not really sure why it matters.  Why does anyone feel the need to judge?  Whatever feels right for that dude and his situation, so be it.
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The thing i like best about being a Vermonter is the code that one stays out of the business of others til they make it one's business. It has always seemed a pretty good character-measurement tool that the judgement one spends on others is inversely proportionate to the amount they spend on themselves. Problem is, this has become a society where most individuals invite, if not require, others in on their business. They generally appear to provoke judgement to either have a reason to tell others how wrong they are or, moreso, have an excuse to act deficiently since they're already behind the 8ball

 
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wikkidpissah said:
The thing i like best about being a Vermonter is the code that one stays out of the business of others til they make it one's business. It has always seemed a pretty good character-measurement tool that the judgement one spends on others is inversely proportionate to the amount they spend on themselves. Problem is, this has become a society where most individuals invite, if not require, others in on their business. They generally appear to provoke judgement to either have a reason to tell others how wrong they are or, moreso, have an excuse to act deficiently since they're already behind the 8ball
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Seconded. 

 
cheeseypoof said:
I agree with Galileo.

From my individual experience it’s a very personal decision.

I joined match.com 4 months after my wife passed.  Went on 1 very casual lunch date and decided it was way too soon.

Decided after about 10 months I was ready to try again.  Asked a woman I had known for a long time out but for various reasons it didn’t work out and we never dated but we’re still friends.

Started dating the first woman after my wife passed at about 15 months.  That lasted a couple of months.  Thought I was ready, but I’m not totally sure I was.

At 20 months out, I started dating the woman I’m currently in a relationship with. We’re 6 months in and it’s going very well.

A couple of observations.  

1) I believe I needed to go through the first few failed attempts at dating before I was emotionally ready.  I had come out of a very solid 20+year marriage.

2) While I could live alone, and still do with my college age kid, I believe I do better with a partner, even as stressful as it can be sometimes.
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I appreciate your response and the steps you have taken. Glad you are in a good spot.

As far as minding my own business, I pretty much have. I asked an opinion about a situation to strangers about a Facebook acquaintance that has no idea who Beef Ravioli is. I would not step into his life and offer an opinion. I think a better way of stating what I felt, is less than two months would be way to short of a time for me. 

 
i dont think anyone's harshing you as a nosy parker, Beef. you put it out there as a point of curiosity & we weighed in

 
While I wouldn’t worry about other people, I would worry about my kids. I do think there is a “too soon” component here. I probably would be a mess for awhile anyway and for my kids I would properly respect my wife and their Mom  Afterwards months in I might do the occasional hookup, massage etc because a man has needs. But a real relationship is different. Especially a public one with a status on Facebook. For me, I would not entertain a relationship for a full year. I think Cheesy’s timing is about right. But it’s an individual choice. You only live once. 

I really would want my kids supporting it. 

 
he may have been in “dealing” mood for a while and, while 2 months seems fast, his mind may be thinking its not 2 months.  could really want an instamom for his kids.  what other people do doesn’t effect me, so to each his own.  be happy and supportive, that’s what human friends and family should be.

 
Do any of you guys account for the fact our wives will have new boyfriends a couple months after we croak in your estate planning? Hadn’t thought about that, would hate for the tennis pro to get everything I intended to go to my kids.  :D

 
GoBirds said:
Do any of you guys account for the fact our wives will have new boyfriends a couple months after we croak in your estate planning? Hadn’t thought about that, would hate for the tennis pro to get everything I intended to go to my kids.  :D
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Hmmm. While I would think that would NEVER happen it’s a thought. Maybe should change distribution. 

 
Arizona Ron said:
If the wife was sick for a while, she might have been the one to tell him to start to move on when she was diagnosed as terminal. 

You just don't know dude.  :shrug:
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That's exactly what I'd tell my wife - and I'd mean it.

I'd want my wife to be happy and fulfilled - not grieving.

It truly is unique for everyone.

 
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Judge Smails said:
While I wouldn’t worry about other people, I would worry about my kids. I do think there is a “too soon” component here. I probably would be a mess for awhile anyway and for my kids I would properly respect my wife and their Mom  Afterwards months in I might do the occasional hookup, massage etc because a man has needs. But a real relationship is different. Especially a public one with a status on Facebook. For me, I would not entertain a relationship for a full year. I think Cheesy’s timing is about right. But it’s an individual choice. You only live once. 

I really would want my kids supporting it. 
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Kids change everything, and younger kids, even more so.  In my opinion at least.

My son was 19 when his mother passed.  He was very taken aback when I first said something about dating again, but it came completely out of left field.  We talked about it a bunch after that.  He came around when he understood, and accepted, I wasn't trying to replace his mother.  He knew about the first woman I asked out but never met her as an adult (he met her when he was very young.  He knew her name but didn't remember her).

He met the first woman I dated once. We all went to an Alton Brown Live show.   He seemed okay with her.

He also knew the woman I'm currently dating as he and her daughter bowled against, and together, one another.  The fact that we all knew one another and got along well before Caroline and I started dating has helped immensely.  Both kids are making the blending of the families very easy.  They get along well and truly act like siblings when we all hang out together.

It helps that my son is generally very easy going.  If he didn't like somebody I dated I'm not sure what I would have done.

 
NotSmart said:
That's exactly what I'd tell my wife - and I'd mean it.

I'd want my wife to be happy and fulfilled - not grieving.

It truly is unique for everyone.
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ETA - actually I already have told her this a couple of times, just in case something sudden ever happens to me.

As someone wise I know and greatly respect said: "Life is for the living".

 
GoBirds said:
Do any of you guys account for the fact our wives will have new boyfriends a couple months after we croak in your estate planning? Hadn’t thought about that, would hate for the tennis pro to get everything I intended to go to my kids.  :D
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My wife told me she isn’t wasting her time training a new guy. She’s going to spend my $ on kids and grandkids. 

 
isn't it always said that men date more quickly after the death of a spouse because they need the caretaker/support? 

because a lot of guys (particularly older men) have grown used to their wives taking care of the cooking/cleaning/organization of their day to day.. when their wife dies they feel rudderless and need someone there to run their lives.

 
mr. furley said:
isn't it always said that men date more quickly after the death of a spouse because they need the caretaker/support? 

because a lot of guys (particularly older men) have grown used to their wives taking care of the cooking/cleaning/organization of their day to day.. when their wife dies they feel rudderless and need someone there to run their lives.
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I thought it was mostly due for being way overdue for a little strange

 
mr. furley said:
isn't it always said that men date more quickly after the death of a spouse because they need the caretaker/support? 

because a lot of guys (particularly older men) have grown used to their wives taking care of the cooking/cleaning/organization of their day to day.. when their wife dies they feel rudderless and need someone there to run their lives.
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Yep. All of it. 

 
Beef Ravioli said:
My wife told me she isn’t wasting her time training a new guy. She’s going to spend my $ on kids and grandkids. 
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Will they be thinking the same once they cash in our life insurance and their friends get them on tinder? :lmao:

 
cheeseypoof said:
Kids change everything, and younger kids, even more so.  In my opinion at least.

My son was 19 when his mother passed.  He was very taken aback when I first said something about dating again, but it came completely out of left field.  We talked about it a bunch after that.  He came around when he understood, and accepted, I wasn't trying to replace his mother.  He knew about the first woman I asked out but never met her as an adult (he met her when he was very young.  He knew her name but didn't remember her).

He met the first woman I dated once. We all went to an Alton Brown Live show.   He seemed okay with her.

He also knew the woman I'm currently dating as he and her daughter bowled against, and together, one another.  The fact that we all knew one another and got along well before Caroline and I started dating has helped immensely.  Both kids are making the blending of the families very easy.  They get along well and truly act like siblings when we all hang out together.

It helps that my son is generally very easy going.  If he didn't like somebody I dated I'm not sure what I would have done.
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My mom died when I had just turned 28 (I think).  My dad started dating someone maybe a year or so later.  He asked me to have lunch and wanted to tell me about it and I think was kind of nervous how I was going to react.  I could not have cared less.  His life, do what he wants and feels right.

I don't know specifically how my sister responded to that, but my dad has since gotten married to that woman and they made many changes to the house (where we lived since my sister was like 10 and I was 13).  She is really bothered by it and cannot stay overnight there, so has to stay with me whenever she is in town (or occasionally friends).  Not a problem with his wife specifically, just with the change.  I think she's kind of nuts, but I guess everyone is different, so there is really no right answer to any of it.  Just to be genuine and follow what you think is right.

edit: I guess I didn't really need to respond to you directly, just triggered my thought.

 
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I told my wife that all I ask is that if she remarries, he doesn't use my golf clubs.  She said "Don't worry dear, he's left-handed."

:mellow:

I'll show myself out

 
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