Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Chaka]

On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV..

Dude.

 

[mozzy84]

curious. you both work full time, earn about the same. You have a 2 yr old and 6 yr old. How much of your time is spent raising the kids compared to hers? like 70/30 her to you ratio? I mean doctors visits, school stuff, diapers, bed time, meals, laundry all of it. Because depending on this, it could a matter of your wife is just overwhelmed and resentful, and that could be the entirety of it.

I do my very best to make it 50/50 or more on me. I do have an hour commute each day (hers is 5 mins) so I know I lose some time, but do my best to make up for that. We share getting the kids ready in the morning and I drop them off at school/daycare to allow her getting ready in peace. She picks them up most days around 5:30 and heads home to cook dinner. She also handles the homework during that time for my 6 YO. She also handles most of the doctor's visits because she is closer to the schools. I get home between 6 and 6:30 just in time to eat dinner. I always clean the kitchen afterwards and we will share in getting the kids bathes. My 2 YO is much harder to get down (my 6 YO falls asleep watching TV with his mom) and I have been the one to get her down each night. Most nights end with me laying my 2 YO asleep in her bed, checking in my room to find both my wife and son asleep, I put him in his bed and then I watch some TV/Internet/Xbox before bed.We split the laundry chores and I do the vacuuming. We have a cleaning crew come in once every two weeks to do the heavy stuff.When we are out in public or at someone else house, I do my best to go above and beyond with the kids. My stepmom says I do 90% of the work for the kids when we are there. I don't do it begrudgingly. It's my job and I refuse to have my kids misbehave or make a huge mess out in public. My parents were the same way with us.

jesus man most women would die for the help you are giving her, serious

 

[mozzy84]

On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV..

Dude.

yea she sounds ungrateful towards everything, bogart needed to break her in better from the start or something

 

[JFT Ben]

Bogart's family situation isn't too different than mine. All you can do is change your own behaviors, attitude and outlook, and if she doesn't come around, she doesn't come around and you have to do what is best for you. We had many of the same issues you did, kid who has trouble sleeping (my youngest, now 3), my wife wanting extra kid time together, etc. I simply wouldn't allow some of those things to continue and it wasn't a request when changes needed to be made esp. with the kid's night time routines. I'm still working on improving some other behaviors with my wife, but I've now got the attitude to go along with it. This is a good read on someone who made the change Dave from Hawaii story Roissy

Good luck Bogart, I think we're a lot alike, hopefully your wife comes around.

 

[Sconch]

On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV..

Dude.

My wife pretty much peed herself when I gave her about $100 worth of stuff from Kohl's on Mother's Day.

 

[iamsmilin]

I just want to add a personal tidbit for the guys seeking to work things out with SO.So my five year anniversary rolls around and I don't get her anything. Big mistake.Well, I make the same mistake on Mother's Day. I mean, I have cards but nothing else.The main present is letting her sleep in, fixing breakfast for her, giving her the whole day off essentially. At the time (and in the wake of anniversary FUBAR on my part) this seems lame. I decide to pop open the Macbook while the kid is watching cartoons and I use a standard menu template to make her a mother's day menu for breakfast. Cost me nothing and only took about 10 minutes.She LOVED it. She showed it to my best friend's wife (her cousin, hold Alabama jokes to the end please), talked about it, got a laugh out of it (leftover Easter chocolate on dessert menu), and still talked about it days later.Just posting this to show that sometimes all it takes are small, easily-affordable and relatively meaningless gestures to make the difference.

For mother's day my husband cleaned our place (just some dusting) and vacuumed because he knows I like a clean house. That was all it took to make me happy.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV..

Dude.

My wife pretty much peed herself when I gave her about $100 worth of stuff from Kohl's on Mother's Day.

So, it is pee!

 

[Chaka]

I just want to add a personal tidbit for the guys seeking to work things out with SO.So my five year anniversary rolls around and I don't get her anything. Big mistake.Well, I make the same mistake on Mother's Day. I mean, I have cards but nothing else.The main present is letting her sleep in, fixing breakfast for her, giving her the whole day off essentially. At the time (and in the wake of anniversary FUBAR on my part) this seems lame. I decide to pop open the Macbook while the kid is watching cartoons and I use a standard menu template to make her a mother's day menu for breakfast. Cost me nothing and only took about 10 minutes.She LOVED it. She showed it to my best friend's wife (her cousin, hold Alabama jokes to the end please), talked about it, got a laugh out of it (leftover Easter chocolate on dessert menu), and still talked about it days later.Just posting this to show that sometimes all it takes are small, easily-affordable and relatively meaningless gestures to make the difference.

For mother's day my husband cleaned our place (just some dusting) and vacuumed because he knows I like a clean house. That was all it took to make me happy.

Any more like you back on the farm?

 

[Yankee23Fan]

I just want to add a personal tidbit for the guys seeking to work things out with SO.So my five year anniversary rolls around and I don't get her anything. Big mistake.Well, I make the same mistake on Mother's Day. I mean, I have cards but nothing else.The main present is letting her sleep in, fixing breakfast for her, giving her the whole day off essentially. At the time (and in the wake of anniversary FUBAR on my part) this seems lame. I decide to pop open the Macbook while the kid is watching cartoons and I use a standard menu template to make her a mother's day menu for breakfast. Cost me nothing and only took about 10 minutes.She LOVED it. She showed it to my best friend's wife (her cousin, hold Alabama jokes to the end please), talked about it, got a laugh out of it (leftover Easter chocolate on dessert menu), and still talked about it days later.Just posting this to show that sometimes all it takes are small, easily-affordable and relatively meaningless gestures to make the difference.

For mother's day my husband cleaned our place (just some dusting) and vacuumed because he knows I like a clean house. That was all it took to make me happy.

I took my wife, her girlfriend and our combined 4 kids to the boardwalk and I took total control of the kids for the duration so they could just enjoy the day. Frankly, I had a blast playing with the kids and she massively enjoyed the whole day. It shouldn't be that hard to make your spouse happy - and to accept the gifts, no matter what they are, that they give you. Bogart's wife is closing in on monster territory.

 

[Zegras11]

Does he really know that? Maybe taking things so damn serious and trying to "confront" the problem with therapy is not the way to go. He started this thread seeming like he wanted things to work out. Maybe pouring their guts out about what horrible disappointments they are to each other is exactly what they DON'T need to do. I know we have one of the highest divorce rates in the world. I'm willing to bet we also have one of the highest spends on marriage counseling. Maybe the way to resurrect a marriage is not to dig through the myriad ways you stopped being in love.Maybe it's putting as much effort into making that person falling in love you again as you did the first time.Anyway, it was mainly meant for people still trying to salvage. If he's beyond that then it isn't for him.

Clifford,I appreciate your comments, and you are completely correct. For many, its about getting back to what got the two of you together in the first place. I really would like to get there. I do the best I can, I call during the day to see how her day is going, send text messages telling her I love her, etc. On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV.I will be the first to admit I'm not the biggest romantic, but I do the best with what I have, and it is just not getting responses anymore.

Based on this, don't go into your appt this week with any expectations. None.She's most likely not going to give this much effort either. Your play here should be to let her talk 98% of the time at the appt. Just let her talk. You'll gain more from that and what the counselor interprets from it than anything you've already told her hundreds of times.She might not talk. If so, say, "you already well know my thoughts on all this." And then ask counselor for advice on what to do next. Don't try to control the process one bit.She's expecting you to do all the talking and most of the relationship work as usual. Don't.

 

[iamsmilin]

Any more like you back on the farm?

I'll fully admit to having my issues, so be careful what you wish for.

I took my wife, her girlfriend and our combined 4 kids to the boardwalk and I took total control of the kids for the duration so they could just enjoy the day. Frankly, I had a blast playing with the kids and she massively enjoyed the whole day. It shouldn't be that hard to make your spouse happy - and to accept the gifts, no matter what they are, that they give you. Bogart's wife is closing in on monster territory.

That sounds like a great day for the two of them.I also completely agree about Bogart's wife. That is why I honestly think what it would take is a separation for her to actually see how much he is doing for her but by then I think it would be too late.

 

[shadyridr]

curious.

you both work full time, earn about the same. You have a 2 yr old and 6 yr old. How much of your time is spent raising the kids compared to hers? like 70/30 her to you ratio? I mean doctors visits, school stuff, diapers, bed time, meals, laundry all of it. Because depending on this, it could a matter of your wife is just overwhelmed and resentful, and that could be the entirety of it.

I do my very best to make it 50/50 or more on me. I do have an hour commute each day (hers is 5 mins) so I know I lose some time, but do my best to make up for that. We share getting the kids ready in the morning and I drop them off at school/daycare to allow her getting ready in peace. She picks them up most days around 5:30 and heads home to cook dinner. She also handles the homework during that time for my 6 YO. She also handles most of the doctor's visits because she is closer to the schools. I get home between 6 and 6:30 just in time to eat dinner. I always clean the kitchen afterwards and we will share in getting the kids bathes. My 2 YO is much harder to get down (my 6 YO falls asleep watching TV with his mom) and I have been the one to get her down each night. Most nights end with me laying my 2 YO asleep in her bed, checking in my room to find both my wife and son asleep, I put him in his bed and then I watch some TV/Internet/Xbox before bed.We split the laundry chores and I do the vacuuming. We have a cleaning crew come in once every two weeks to do the heavy stuff.

When we are out in public or at someone else house, I do my best to go above and beyond with the kids. My stepmom says I do 90% of the work for the kids when we are there. I don't do it begrudgingly. It's my job and I refuse to have my kids misbehave or make a huge mess out in public. My parents were the same way with us.

Bogart,I know this isn't the type of advice you are looking for, but I'd strongly suggest changing your evening routine. Most of the time, bed time routines aren't grown out of. They have to be broken at some point. If you're laying in bed to get the 2 year old to sleep, she's going to expect that until you stop. Same with the six year old. They don't just get tired one night and say "I'm ready to go to bed by myself." They do what they know to relax at night.

I have a neice, now 15, who couldn't fall asleep if one of her parents weren't right outside her door. My sister would have to sit up there in the hallway until she fell asleep, or she threw a fit (starting around 2 if I remember correctly). My sister sat outside her door for four years waiting for her to grow out of it, until realizing she wasn't going to. She had to go through several weeks of hell to break the habit, but it was finally broken, and was a great stress relief to all involved.

While this isn't the root of all your problems, it is a cause of stress, and will continue to be until it's addressed.

Good luck to you in this, and all your journeys.

Not to hijack but my son did at around 18 months. We did everything wrong, held him until he fell asleep, etc and one day we brought him up awake and He went right to bed without any fuss. Now he goes down every night exact same way. Lucky us!

 

[Sconch]

On our 10th anniversary, I got her a ring that she really wanted and gave it to her right at midnight (our anniversary is New Years Day.) The gift was received with a "how, how nice" a smile, a peck on the lips and then she went back to watching something on TV..

Dude.

My wife pretty much peed herself when I gave her about $100 worth of stuff from Kohl's on Mother's Day.

So, it is pee!

Oh it would have to be.

 

[tommyboy]

Bogart thx for reply to my q. You seem to do as much or more than I do. We have 4 kids but wife don't work. I would probably tell wife change the routine at night to make priority be giving the two of you an hour or so to just hang out no kids. No more falling asleep w 6 year old. put them to bed. Clean up and spend time together. My wife and I have to plan for it but we make time for sex. But part of that equation is just having the free time with no kids.

 

[Chaka]

Bogart thx for reply to my q. You seem to do as much or more than I do. We have 4 kids but wife don't work. I would probably tell wife change the routine at night to make priority be giving the two of you an hour or so to just hang out no kids. No more falling asleep w 6 year old. put them to bed. Clean up and spend time together. My wife and I have to plan for it but we make time for sex. But part of that equation is just having the free time with no kids.

Not sure that will work but you gotta give something a try.It's sad that she is using her son as a shield and an excuse in this situation.

 

[tommyboy]

Maybe. Moms and sons is special. Like the Father-daughter deal. So it might be a shield but might not. The big problem is that the two f you somewhere allowed your kids to take priority over your marriage. you'd have to re-orient the marital order first before moving on to intimacy. That would require mutual effort.

 

[Clifford]

I just want to add a personal tidbit for the guys seeking to work things out with SO.So my five year anniversary rolls around and I don't get her anything. Big mistake.Well, I make the same mistake on Mother's Day. I mean, I have cards but nothing else.The main present is letting her sleep in, fixing breakfast for her, giving her the whole day off essentially. At the time (and in the wake of anniversary FUBAR on my part) this seems lame. I decide to pop open the Macbook while the kid is watching cartoons and I use a standard menu template to make her a mother's day menu for breakfast. Cost me nothing and only took about 10 minutes.She LOVED it. She showed it to my best friend's wife (her cousin, hold Alabama jokes to the end please), talked about it, got a laugh out of it (leftover Easter chocolate on dessert menu), and still talked about it days later.Just posting this to show that sometimes all it takes are small, easily-affordable and relatively meaningless gestures to make the difference.

For mother's day my husband cleaned our place (just some dusting) and vacuumed because he knows I like a clean house. That was all it took to make me happy.

Any more like you back on the farm?

They're all usually spoken for after their 12th family reunion.

 

[Clifford]

Any more like you back on the farm?

I'll fully admit to having my issues, so be careful what you wish for.

I took my wife, her girlfriend and our combined 4 kids to the boardwalk and I took total control of the kids for the duration so they could just enjoy the day. Frankly, I had a blast playing with the kids and she massively enjoyed the whole day. It shouldn't be that hard to make your spouse happy - and to accept the gifts, no matter what they are, that they give you. Bogart's wife is closing in on monster territory.

That sounds like a great day for the two of them.I also completely agree about Bogart's wife. That is why I honestly think what it would take is a separation for her to actually see how much he is doing for her but by then I think it would be too late.

Probably so and that's the ##### of the situation. Bogart, ultimately only u know the situation and what to do. You've obviously given it plenty of thought so just rely on your own convictions. This is just a fork in the road.

 

[Chaka]

Any more like you back on the farm?

I'll fully admit to having my issues, so be careful what you wish for.

You're probably right. I just have a Dr. Kriegeresque fascination with your avatar.

 

[iamsmilin]

Any more like you back on the farm?

I'll fully admit to having my issues, so be careful what you wish for.

You're probably right. I just have a Dr. Kriegeresque fascination with your avatar.

Wow. That is the first link that got denied by my iPhone. Should I be scared?

 

[Chaka]

Any more like you back on the farm?

I'll fully admit to having my issues, so be careful what you wish for.

You're probably right. I just have a Dr. Kriegeresque fascination with your avatar.

Wow. That is the first link that got denied by my iPhone. Should I be scared?

Well he is a tad eccentric but don't worry about it, you won't get it if you're not a fan of Archer (imdb link).

 

[Bogart]

Based on this, don't go into your appt this week with any expectations. None.She's most likely not going to give this much effort either. Your play here should be to let her talk 98% of the time at the appt. Just let her talk. You'll gain more from that and what the counselor interprets from it than anything you've already told her hundreds of times.She might not talk. If so, say, "you already well know my thoughts on all this." And then ask counselor for advice on what to do next. Don't try to control the process one bit.She's expecting you to do all the talking and most of the relationship work as usual. Don't.

Thanks for the advice. I am very curious as how tomorrow will go. I have heard from others that the first appt or two are very much "good vibe" type meetings where the counselor pulls out all the tricks to get the two of you to remember why you love each other and what you mean to each other. Then you go home and build on that. My wife will eat this up. But then I predict by the weekend, nothing will change. My only goal is going to be to hold my ground, politely, until the specific issues come up. I am going to be frustrated if we don't at least touch on the issues that first meeting. We had a very awkward moment this morning as the kids and I are walking out the door. I always make sure the kids tell their Mom "Goodbye" and that they love her. They will also kiss her out the way out. Her and I kind of had this sideways hug and a half-hearted peck on the lips. I guess I was more half-hearted than usual and she got mad and said, "What the hell was that?!?" I simply gave her a shrug. Might have been the wrong move, but then was not the time to elaborate.

 

[Third]

Hi there,just happened to see my name and linkage to my blog and book in this thread. Very much appreciated.I don't want to turn this into anymore of a sales pitch than it is, but the book costs about 3-4 minutes of a divorce lawyers hourly fee and is far more enjoyable. It's practical, hard hitting advice about how women really work. No frills, no fancypants cover, nothing but book. Easy reading.http://www.marriedmansexlife.com is the blog, and you can read some of the first parts of the book there in the tabs across the top of the blog.

Wanted to bump this....this is a worthwhile read. I kindled the book and am about halfway through it. I'm already realizing what a weak ### beta I've been for the better part of my marriage.Change is a'coming.

 

[Zegras11]

Based on this, don't go into your appt this week with any expectations. None.She's most likely not going to give this much effort either. Your play here should be to let her talk 98% of the time at the appt. Just let her talk. You'll gain more from that and what the counselor interprets from it than anything you've already told her hundreds of times.She might not talk. If so, say, "you already well know my thoughts on all this." And then ask counselor for advice on what to do next. Don't try to control the process one bit.She's expecting you to do all the talking and most of the relationship work as usual. Don't.

Thanks for the advice. I am very curious as how tomorrow will go. I have heard from others that the first appt or two are very much "good vibe" type meetings where the counselor pulls out all the tricks to get the two of you to remember why you love each other and what you mean to each other. Then you go home and build on that. My wife will eat this up. But then I predict by the weekend, nothing will change. My only goal is going to be to hold my ground, politely, until the specific issues come up. I am going to be frustrated if we don't at least touch on the issues that first meeting. We had a very awkward moment this morning as the kids and I are walking out the door. I always make sure the kids tell their Mom "Goodbye" and that they love her. They will also kiss her out the way out. Her and I kind of had this sideways hug and a half-hearted peck on the lips. I guess I was more half-hearted than usual and she got mad and said, "What the hell was that?!?" I simply gave her a shrug. Might have been the wrong move, but then was not the time to elaborate.

GL GLSounds like someone might be waking upppppppppppppp And you also for not settling for status quo. Keep reading!!!!Empty your PM box GB

 

[Bogart]

GL GLSounds like someone might be waking upppppppppppppp And you also for not settling for status quo. Keep reading!!!!Empty your PM box GB

Thanks. PM box is empty now.

 

[shadyridr]

They will also kiss her out the way out. Her and I kind of had this sideways hug and a half-hearted peck on the lips. I guess I was more half-hearted than usual and she got mad and said, "What the hell was that?!?"

I guess thats a good sign

 

[Bogart]

Athol and his wife were on Inside Edition tonight.

Inside Edition

Athol and Jennifer Kay of Bristol, Connecticut have had sex an astonishing 5,000 times during their 16 years of marriage. That's 86 percent of all their days of matrimony!

"We have had sex more than 5,000 times in our marriage. We're not looking for a record, we're looking to connect to each other," said Jennifer.

Athol dishes on his married life on his popular blog, Married Man Sex Life. He's also written a book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Athol's first tip is to start seducing your wife, even when you're at work. Just send her a playful text.

"Half the time it's completely non-sexual, and sometimes it's, 'so what color are your panties today?' " said Jennifer.

A tender touch is key.

"Just standing in front of the sink doing the dishes, he will come up behind me and give me a hug or touch my shoulder. It lets me know that he's paying attention to me," said Jennifer.

Intimacy works wonders. For example, Jennifer cuts her husband's hair.

"I really cut my husband's hair. It's just one more of those little things to connect us," said Jennifer.

And to ignite the sparks, consider a sustained kiss lasting at least 10 seconds.

"It's those little peck, peck, pecks they do nothing for you, because you actually have to physically connect for a good three, four or five seconds before your brain starts really registering, 'I'm actually kissing another person,' " said Athol.

Good advice. It's certainly worked wonders for this couple.

 

[Athol Kay]

Athol and his wife were on Inside Edition tonight.

Inside Edition

Athol and Jennifer Kay of Bristol, Connecticut have had sex an astonishing 5,000 times during their 16 years of marriage. That's 86 percent of all their days of matrimony!

"We have had sex more than 5,000 times in our marriage. We're not looking for a record, we're looking to connect to each other," said Jennifer.

Athol dishes on his married life on his popular blog, Married Man Sex Life. He's also written a book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Athol's first tip is to start seducing your wife, even when you're at work. Just send her a playful text.

"Half the time it's completely non-sexual, and sometimes it's, 'so what color are your panties today?' " said Jennifer.

A tender touch is key.

"Just standing in front of the sink doing the dishes, he will come up behind me and give me a hug or touch my shoulder. It lets me know that he's paying attention to me," said Jennifer.

Intimacy works wonders. For example, Jennifer cuts her husband's hair.

"I really cut my husband's hair. It's just one more of those little things to connect us," said Jennifer.

And to ignite the sparks, consider a sustained kiss lasting at least 10 seconds.

"It's those little peck, peck, pecks they do nothing for you, because you actually have to physically connect for a good three, four or five seconds before your brain starts really registering, 'I'm actually kissing another person,' " said Athol.

Good advice. It's certainly worked wonders for this couple.

LOL they asked me twenty questions seeing I wrote the book, and asked Jennifer about four questions.Final cut, Jennifer answering four questions, me answering one.

See how that works?

Pretty sure they haven't read the book, not nearly politically correct enough to be discussed in prime time lol.

 

[Bogart]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.

You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

5,000?

fft: rookie.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

GLGBB.

 

[culdeus]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

Not sure your point of view is out in this thread so much. Goggins/DD on the other hand.....

 

[Socrates11]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

Negative. You don't want your wife knowing about this, and the shrink could say that this is affecting your judgement. Just go in and act like all this is troubling and you just want to do your best to work things out.

 

[Buddy Ball 2K3]

5,000? fft: rookie.

She is quite the looker. I would be close to 6K with a hottie like that.

 

[culdeus]

Hey Bogart, you realize what the Rangers record is since you started posting in here?

 

[Bogart]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

Negative. You don't want your wife knowing about this, and the shrink could say that this is affecting your judgement. Just go in and act like all this is troubling and you just want to do your best to work things out.

No, I agree. Going with with open heart, clear mind.

 

[Bogart]

Hey Bogart, you realize what the Rangers record is since you started posting in here?

Yeah, it's not good at all. I am undefeated at the Ballpark this year. That counts for something, right?

 

[shadyridr]

5,000? fft: rookie.

She is quite the looker. I would be close to 6K with a hottie like that.

dont be an athol

 

[Gr00vus]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

Negative. You don't want your wife knowing about this, and the shrink could say that this is affecting your judgement. Just go in and act like all this is troubling and you just want to do your best to work things out.

No, I agree. Going with with open heart, clear mind.

I would bring up some of the important things that are on your mind, and when asked for examples, some of the episodes you've mentioned here - the sex time out prior to marriage/you should have taken that as a sign thing and the story about the ring you gave her in particular. Frankly, after hearing those stories (and your other ones) I'd advise you to dump her even though I suggested counseling initially.

 

[Chaka]

Counseling session number one this afternoon.You think printing this thread out and letting the counselor read it before our session would be a good idea? He could at least see it quicker from my POV.

Negative. You don't want your wife knowing about this, and the shrink could say that this is affecting your judgement. Just go in and act like all this is troubling and you just want to do your best to work things out.

No, I agree. Going with with open heart, clear mind.

I would bring up some of the important things that are on your mind, and when asked for examples, some of the episodes you've mentioned here - the sex time out prior to marriage/you should have taken that as a sign thing and the story about the ring you gave her in particular. Frankly, after hearing those stories (and your other ones) I'd advise you to dump her even though I suggested counseling initially.

Make a list of specific things you want to talk about too. It will feel pretty weird to pull it out during the session but it is better than remembering an important topic of discussion after you have left the office.

 

[dancingbones]

curious.

you both work full time, earn about the same. You have a 2 yr old and 6 yr old. How much of your time is spent raising the kids compared to hers? like 70/30 her to you ratio? I mean doctors visits, school stuff, diapers, bed time, meals, laundry all of it. Because depending on this, it could a matter of your wife is just overwhelmed and resentful, and that could be the entirety of it.

I do my very best to make it 50/50 or more on me. I do have an hour commute each day (hers is 5 mins) so I know I lose some time, but do my best to make up for that. We share getting the kids ready in the morning and I drop them off at school/daycare to allow her getting ready in peace. She picks them up most days around 5:30 and heads home to cook dinner. She also handles the homework during that time for my 6 YO. She also handles most of the doctor's visits because she is closer to the schools. I get home between 6 and 6:30 just in time to eat dinner. I always clean the kitchen afterwards and we will share in getting the kids bathes. My 2 YO is much harder to get down (my 6 YO falls asleep watching TV with his mom) and I have been the one to get her down each night. Most nights end with me laying my 2 YO asleep in her bed, checking in my room to find both my wife and son asleep, I put him in his bed and then I watch some TV/Internet/Xbox before bed.We split the laundry chores and I do the vacuuming. We have a cleaning crew come in once every two weeks to do the heavy stuff.

When we are out in public or at someone else house, I do my best to go above and beyond with the kids. My stepmom says I do 90% of the work for the kids when we are there. I don't do it begrudgingly. It's my job and I refuse to have my kids misbehave or make a huge mess out in public. My parents were the same way with us.

Bogart,I know this isn't the type of advice you are looking for, but I'd strongly suggest changing your evening routine. Most of the time, bed time routines aren't grown out of. They have to be broken at some point. If you're laying in bed to get the 2 year old to sleep, she's going to expect that until you stop. Same with the six year old. They don't just get tired one night and say "I'm ready to go to bed by myself." They do what they know to relax at night.

I have a neice, now 15, who couldn't fall asleep if one of her parents weren't right outside her door. My sister would have to sit up there in the hallway until she fell asleep, or she threw a fit (starting around 2 if I remember correctly). My sister sat outside her door for four years waiting for her to grow out of it, until realizing she wasn't going to. She had to go through several weeks of hell to break the habit, but it was finally broken, and was a great stress relief to all involved.

While this isn't the root of all your problems, it is a cause of stress, and will continue to be until it's addressed.

Good luck to you in this, and all your journeys.

I know where you are coming from, and I understand. It use to be a night long process for the 2 YO, and I have worked it down to less than 5 mins for her to get to sleep. I have discussed the 6 YO with my wife about him falling asleep in his bed, but she says that that is their "special time" where he gets attention and one-on-one time with her. (Perverts, stay away from that last statement.)The main thing is that my wife now falls asleep so early, it has become what works for most everyone in the house.

Everyone but you.This is your problem here.

 

[Sconch]

Athol and his wife were on Inside Edition tonight.

Inside Edition

Athol and Jennifer Kay of Bristol, Connecticut have had sex an astonishing 5,000 times during their 16 years of marriage. That's 86 percent of all their days of matrimony!

"We have had sex more than 5,000 times in our marriage. We're not looking for a record, we're looking to connect to each other," said Jennifer.

Athol dishes on his married life on his popular blog, Married Man Sex Life. He's also written a book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Athol's first tip is to start seducing your wife, even when you're at work. Just send her a playful text.

"Half the time it's completely non-sexual, and sometimes it's, 'so what color are your panties today?' " said Jennifer.

A tender touch is key.

"Just standing in front of the sink doing the dishes, he will come up behind me and give me a hug or touch my shoulder. It lets me know that he's paying attention to me," said Jennifer.

Intimacy works wonders. For example, Jennifer cuts her husband's hair.

"I really cut my husband's hair. It's just one more of those little things to connect us," said Jennifer.

And to ignite the sparks, consider a sustained kiss lasting at least 10 seconds.

"It's those little peck, peck, pecks they do nothing for you, because you actually have to physically connect for a good three, four or five seconds before your brain starts really registering, 'I'm actually kissing another person,' " said Athol.

Good advice. It's certainly worked wonders for this couple.

I think I must have missed something in this thread but this Athol guy marries a woman with a higher than normal sex-drive and he thinks he needs to write a book about it?

 

[Athol Kay]

I think I must have missed something in this thread but this Athol guy marries a woman with a higher than normal sex-drive and he thinks he needs to write a book about it?

Earlier in the thread the book was mentioned as being exceptionally helpful a few times and I was asked to comment here by those people via email and Facebook messaging. The point of the book is to get married sex lives back on track and to keep guys from having their wallet torn out through their ###### in divorce court.This is my last post here. Again, my apologoes if my presence has caused offense.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

Athol - you're not offending. It's the nature ofthe board to have rather unnecessary contrarians post behind the anonymity of the message board.

Following up on the little things that make a difference that no one thinks about, my birthday is coming up. I ordered a flower thingamagigy to be delivered to my wife at work on my birthday. She has no idea. I really don't need anything in the sense of a birthday present except for her. It doesn't take a lot of energy to show someone love in various ways.

 

[culdeus]

######l Slice Born Born?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

I think I must have missed something in this thread but this Athol guy marries a woman with a higher than normal sex-drive and he thinks he needs to write a book about it?

Earlier in the thread the book was mentioned as being exceptionally helpful a few times and I was asked to comment here by those people via email and Facebook messaging. The point of the book is to get married sex lives back on track and to keep guys from having their wallet torn out through their ###### in divorce court.This is my last post here. Again, my apologoes if my presence has caused offense.

Don't back down friend. That's not very alpha of you.This board has a lot of personalities and ipersonalities. You'll learn to love most of them if you stick around.

 

[JFT Ben]

Bogart update?

 

[Bogart]

Therapy session one is in the books. While I will try and not bore with every detail, here are the highlights.

Counselor was easy to talk to and the environment of the office felt comfortable to me and made it easy to speak. I dominated much of the early conversation getting all of the "vitals" out of the way. Wife jokingly accused me of taking all the "easy questions", but I always differed to her first before answering.

I did not agree with his "style" which is to talk for 30-35 mins, and then take a 5-10 minute break for the counselor to "get his mind around all the details" and then come back and talk for another 10 mins and be done. Going to make me feel rushed to get as much in as possible, but if that is his way, that is his way. I can adapt.

Counselor asked what we both wanted out of this. Wife answered "for him to just love me." My answer was "for both of us to be happy."

He asked me what was the one thing that I was most unhappy about. Fastball right down the middle. I said it was the intimacy. Gave the details: nothing for 8 months, 3-4 times a year for six years. Wife responds that her health just hasn't made her want it. Fine, she wants to go that way, I will let her have it this day, but we both know that there is more. The counselor starts out by saying that intimacy is very important, even in the Bible it's important, but then goes off on this tangent that our society puts emphasis on certain parts of marriage (read: sex) that don't always have to have that emphasis. He talked about that if we were "best friends" (He hears "friendly roommates" and that we don't argue or fight and hears "best friends") that we can fix anything.

He then discusses "unmet expectations" and gave us the homework to write down what we expect from our marriage. Goodbye, see you in two weeks.

This is going to be a long, long process.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

He took a 10 minute break during a 50-60 minute session? And the bit about society valuing things a certain way.. not being intimate with your husband for 8 months has nothing to do with expectations or society.. its just a flat-out problem.

Ugh. Rooting for you here bigtime Bogart. But that hardly reads like a great start to me. :(

 

[Buddy Ball 2K3]

He took a 10 minute break during a 50-60 minute session? And the bit about society valuing things a certain way.. not being intimate with your husband for 8 months has nothing to do with expectations or society.. its just a flat-out problem.

Ugh. Rooting for you here bigtime Bogart. But that hardly reads like a great start to me. :(

I would be finding someone new right away.