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Don't give up yet. Most of the people here are great but you have the some D-Bags that just like to rile cages and say things to make them feel better about themselves. You'll learn who to ignore. And this is coming from one of the few women on this board that has been around for 8+ years.
Doesn't really sound normal.
A marriage with out sex is not a good marriage, its a friendship.Two odd points of the session:
Counselor asked "If I had magical powers, and came in the middle of the night and made both of you happy, but did not tell you, when would you know the next day you are happy?" WTF?
This counselor is going to lean toward religion, which is fine, but he quoted Alice Cooper when Cooper was asked how he has stayed married for all these years and not cheated on his wife, Cooper answered "A good marriage is not worth messing up for five minutes of pleasure." I think he is trying to use this to say sex is not all that important if you have a good marriage.
And this is my thought process right now. There is no magic bean that he could have given us and everything is going to be OK. I have to be patient. If I find his ways and means not to my liking, I will be more than willing to discuss and change if need be.
Did not interview, got his background and vitals during the session yesterday. I like the guy, and there are a lot of qualities about his style that I think will work for us. I think my wife's comfort level with him will be very vital to how this goes. If the 10-min break is the worst thing that happens, I will be better than fine with this guy.
Yea, this counselor sounds horrible.
Well yeah that would make you happyTwo odd points of the session:
Counselor asked "If I had magical powers, and came in the middle of the night and made both of you happy, but did not tell you, when would you know the next day you are happy?" WTF?
This counselor is going to lean toward religion, which is fine, but he quoted Alice Cooper when Cooper was asked how he has stayed married for all these years and not cheated on his wife, Cooper answered "A good marriage is not worth messing up for five minutes of pleasure." I think he is trying to use this to say sex is not all that important if you have a good marriage.
Who said anything about being offended? I haven't read your book but I did read some of your blog. Doing the laundry? Come on, guy.
I can guess what both of you were thinking.Her: I'd wake up and all the laundry would be done, the kitchen would be cleaned and I'd turn to the clock and realize it's 11:30 and he let me sleep in after specifically telling me he didn't want sex for 6 months just for me.You: I'd wake up with my ankles still tied to the head board, the cotton from the pillows that got destroyed the night before would be blowing around the room John Woo style, and you'd hear her say, good you're up, now join me in the shower because there's this thing with my toungue I've been meaning to try...Mars, meet Venus. Keep orbiting each other for another billion years.
It wasn't WHAT would make us happy, he is going to make that happen magically. It was HOW do we know we were happy?I think he was fishing for some kind of answer about waking up in each other's arms or something, but neither of us took the bait. Really neither of us even understood the question at the time.
He was actually making you think about you define actual happiness. You say you want to be happy and you aren't. What about you shows that you are unhappy, and would you be able to see it, or do you think you just see it. On the flip side, if she was rocking your world every night, how would know you were happy when you woke up the next morning. Basically, how do you really define what makes you happy. It's a counselors trick and we do it the law too. I don't want to know what you think you should tell me, nor do I want to know about what you've being lying to yourself about - what do you really want and how do you know it? Can you even tell?
He probably had to step out to vape.
Why do you keep going back?
You should go talk to someone about this problem.
You ever heard of a court-order?
Well, therapists are like doctors. Most of them suck. It's usually not easy finding a good one.
It's a play on "The Miracle Question" used by Solution Focused therapists. I'm finishing up a Masters in Counseling and plan to incorporate SFT strategies pretty heavily into my practice. It's an evidence based approach, so there is research to show that it's effective.Not sure about the breaks, though. There are breaks in the Milan approach, but thats so that team members can consult and brainstorm strategies. This guy was by himself, right?'Bogart said:
Sorry, man, don't mean to knock your profession but someone asked me this:"Suppose our meeting is over, you go home, do whatever you planned to do for the rest of the day. And then, some time in the evening, you get tired and go to sleep. And in the middle of the night, when you are fast asleep, a miracle happens and all the problems that brought you here today are solved just like that. But since the miracle happened overnight nobody is telling you that the miracle happened. When you wake up the next morning, how are you going to start discovering that the miracle happened? ... What else are you going to notice? What else?"
That was almost exactly how he asked it to a tee.And yes, he was alone, so still not sure what was up with the break.
I wouldn't word it that way. There are a variety of ways to put it. I usually keep it simple:"Suppose you woke up tomorrow and all your problems were gone. What would it look like? What would be going on?"
No but if you hum a few bars I'm sure I'll pick it up.
$150 to $200 per session
This is about what we are paying.
Maybe they're having sex
I know this sounds weird but I'd find a woman. In efforts to seem unbiased by their sex therapists are usually harder on their own gender. That dude sounds like a freaking quack.ETA: her comment to me is telling. She wants you to do something for her. Love, sure, but the focus is the same. She immediately put all the change on you. That's completely wack. I think you should call her on it and tell her that's bull####. She needs a freaking wake up call. Take a guy trip, get some strange, relax and really think about whether she can change. In order to do that she has to recognize that her behavior is a problem and have the will to change it. I'm beginning to be convinced that's just not in the cards. But seriously, do something for yourself.'Bogart said:Two odd points of the session:Counselor asked "If I had magical powers, and came in the middle of the night and made both of you happy, but did not tell you, when would you know the next day you are happy?" WTF?
It sucks. And it's a waste of time.
The basic problem is she isn't sexually attracted to you. We know this because she isn't having sex with you. The health issue she states is probably just a rationalization to justify not having sex with you.The counselor has the situation ###-backwards in that he's trying to diminish the importance of the sex in the relationship, when it is in fact the major problem in the relationship. You aren't getting laid, so you're pissed off / hurt / horny. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she's resentful / confused / depressed.He's also trying to focus on the importance of being friends together, but the fact that you are defaulting to a non-sexual friendship is the problem. She's just not sexually turned on by you. Do you have any ideas on why that is, or what you should do about it that you haven't done yet?Also...(1) What is the health issue she's saying exactly?(2) What medications is she on?(3) What sort of birth control do you use? Did you ever change birth control during your relationship?(4) When did the sexual frequency change for the worse and why do you think it happened then?
at the people who would walk out on trained professionals because they don't 'feel' like they're doing it right. They're trained professionals folks. Stick with a couple sessions even if you don't think they're doing it right. Let's face it - if you knew how to handle everything perfectly you wouldn't be in therapy.
(1) She said she has had mono four times in the last year, a thyroid condition and IBS. (2) She is on a new medicine for the thyroid and a very new medicine for the IBS. Meds for these conditions are recent. (3) We have been with condoms ever since our 6 YO was born. She was on the Pill before then for the first two years if our marriage. Nothing of course for the two years we tried to conceive our 6 YO. (4) Our sex life has not been of any quality for the last 8 years. It went from 3-4 times a year to zero because I was tired of hearing no, and being made to feel like scum when asking. Please understand, if it was because of her health I would completely understand. If I had changed physically for the worse I would understand. But I can tell you I am pretty much the same physically since we got married and she always finds the time and strength to do what she wants. In the last year she has had a few stretches of running/walking at night.
I'm sorry. I hope this all works out for you, I really do. But in the end she seems like such a selfish b***** and monster with all of this that I'd be done. She wants you to love her but doesn't want to do anything deserving of love. Sorry. That isn't marriage. IT's high school sweetheart crap.
Do not fear that which you do not understand.
Mono x4 + Thryroid + IBS = a quite sick woman. But agree, this is all recent.It seems the changing point was when she went off the pill eight years ago. The pill can change who she is sexually attracted to based on the compatiblity of your immune systems. Women can tell who makes a good genetic/immune system potential father of their child based on sense of smell - this is all subconcious.Was she on the birth control pills when you met/dated/engaged?
This sounds like a super-hero power. Chicks continue to amaze and scare me.
This is a VERY
I think this basically describes the relationship my wife and I have had, essentially since we had our oldest. I don't think she lost interest in me physically. That said, she felt like I abandoned her emotionally after our oldest was born, and while her Mom was in hospice dying from leukemia. My wife would drive off with our oldest (still less than 1 yo) an hour away, multiple times per-week, while I was left at home to work on our fixer-upper house and eek out just enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. I made that sacrifice (not to mention the sacrifice of moving to an area I wasn't really wanting to move to in order for her to be closer to her family), as well as the sacrifice of working to the point of exhaustion on our home/business, because I loved her...and didn't want her to have to worry about those types of things so she could have more quality time with her mom and with our daughter.
You have to make the first move. Female sexuality is responsive to male sexuality. She can't will herself to be sexually interested in you, but you can will yourself to do the things needed to make her more interested in you.Immediate steps.This is a VERY
I think this basically describes the relationship my wife and I have had, essentially since we had our oldest. I don't think she lost interest in me physically. That said, she felt like I abandoned her emotionally after our oldest was born, and while her Mom was in hospice dying from leukemia. My wife would drive off with our oldest (still less than 1 yo) an hour away, multiple times per-week, while I was left at home to work on our fixer-upper house and eek out just enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. I made that sacrifice (not to mention the sacrifice of moving to an area I wasn't really wanting to move to in order for her to be closer to her family), as well as the sacrifice of working to the point of exhaustion on our home/business, because I loved her...and didn't want her to have to worry about those types of things so she could have more quality time with her mom and with our daughter.
My wife didn't see it that way. My wife saw it as me putting things/work ahead of her and our child. And basically from that moment on, she's wanted little to nothing to do with me. Some eight years later.
Thing is, after years of being ignored in the intimacy department, I kind of lost interest in her sexually too. Not in sex, in-general. But in her. I still love her...but more as a family member or friend vs. as a sexual partner. Which tears a rip into the fabric of the space/time continuum (lol), since women "know" they can use sex to manipulate their partners/husbands into getting their way on things. Only when that partner/husband feels more like "meh...no thanks," all their power is gone. And then they (both) are left with a boring, passionless relationship where neither of them feels fulfilled or appreciated.
It was a big blow to my self-esteem when I first realized that the problem was really my wife not being attracted to me sexually anymore. Although it'd probably be an even bigger blow to her if she realized that a lot of the distance/withdrawal in our relationship and intimacy is due to the fact that I feel the exact same way about her...after being ignored for years on end. Punished for "not being there for her" during a period of great emotional need in her life. When in actuality, I was there for her more than she will ever realize. Just not in the way she wanted me to be.
