Wife uses sex as a weapon (2 Viewers)

[RudiStein]

I don't want to use sex as a tool, Brad.

 

[iamsmilin]

What you (general you) don't seem to understand is we don't think that way.

sex isn't the first things on our minds

No woman goes into marriage thinking that they are gonna have less sex with their husbands

Please tell me you are not speaking on behalf of all women.

On behalf of the women I know.

If you'd bother to take the time out and actually read this thread you will clearly see that we are talking about husbands who are caring, help out around the house, try and communicate with their wives and try and assist them in helping resolve the issue.The person who is complaining seems to be doing that and had to be the one who wants to get a counselor and got some sort of lame "something happened to me in the past" speech yet never would tell her husband what that is. Great communication from her end + no ex = lucky man.

Who said I didn't. That was one extreme that I acknowledged sucks ###. I thought this turned into a coverstaion on marriage and sex in general.

 

[iamsmilin]

I think it's the parts where he generalizes about women being sold a myth about what marriage takes. The generalization of what women think of men and relationships. Which I am sure he meant as certain types of women but reads as all women. In general, I know I get stuck in my own head and put certain things above his needs. This should stop. I don't really put my needs before him but I do put my kids and what I think the family needs above him. I don't know how much that will change, but I do know he needs to be moved up the list. I know my husband is a great guy and I appreciate him. I need to show him in a way he appreciates not in the ways I think is important.

OK generalizations can be offensive, and I didn't read this as a blanket statement about ALL women, but in my limited experience, it has been a majority of the women I have known that play sexual politics. However, that wasn't to me the point that Y23 was getting at...I basically took from his posts that men and women in healthy relationships strive to understand and meet each other's needs, and take pleasure from actively pursuing their mates happiness. There is ideally a lot of giving from both parties in an ideal marriage.Certainly if you are married to a great guy, and you care enough to appreciate him and think about how you can move him up the list, then you don't fit into the generalized category of women who don't really concern themselves with their man's happiness.Sounds like your husband is fortunate to be married to you...

Agreed. To be fair to Yankee, I read his stuff around a lot of woman bashing and probably implied more than I should've. I think the problem is that I read these posts and think from my perspective and I know that all women don't think like me but it's probably more than what you guys think (hopefully).And thank you.

 

[Bogart]

I think it's the parts where he generalizes about women being sold a myth about what marriage takes. The generalization of what women think of men and relationships. Which I am sure he meant as certain types of women but reads as all women. In general, I know I get stuck in my own head and put certain things above his needs. This should stop. I don't really put my needs before him but I do put my kids and what I think the family needs above him. I don't know how much that will change, but I do know he needs to be moved up the list. I know my husband is a great guy and I appreciate him. I need to show him in a way he appreciates not in the ways I think is important.

OK generalizations can be offensive, and I didn't read this as a blanket statement about ALL women, but in my limited experience, it has been a majority of the women I have known that play sexual politics. However, that wasn't to me the point that Y23 was getting at...I basically took from his posts that men and women in healthy relationships strive to understand and meet each other's needs, and take pleasure from actively pursuing their mates happiness. There is ideally a lot of giving from both parties in an ideal marriage.Certainly if you are married to a great guy, and you care enough to appreciate him and think about how you can move him up the list, then you don't fit into the generalized category of women who don't really concern themselves with their man's happiness.Sounds like your husband is fortunate to be married to you...

Agreed. To be fair to Yankee, I read his stuff around a lot of woman bashing and probably implied more than I should've. I think the problem is that I read these posts and think from my perspective and I know that all women don't think like me but it's probably more than what you guys think (hopefully).And thank you.

Thanks for coming in and giving your perspective. It's more helpful than you know.

 

[Clifford]

We tried counseling and it didn't do jack crap except take money out of our wallets. The wake up call comes when you stop doing the things she expects you to and start doing whatever the hell you want because you honestly don't give a #### anymore.

Women either care about pleasing their man or they don't. They get it from relationship with their parents and years in the chair stands a very small chance of ever changing that.

Also, where the hell have we gotten as a society that we need some hack therapist/mediator to solve all our problems?

 

[Yankee23Fan]

I think it's the parts where he generalizes about women being sold a myth about what marriage takes. The generalization of what women think of men and relationships. Which I am sure he meant as certain types of women but reads as all women. In general, I know I get stuck in my own head and put certain things above his needs. This should stop. I don't really put my needs before him but I do put my kids and what I think the family needs above him. I don't know how much that will change, but I do know he needs to be moved up the list. I know my husband is a great guy and I appreciate him. I need to show him in a way he appreciates not in the ways I think is important.

OK generalizations can be offensive, and I didn't read this as a blanket statement about ALL women, but in my limited experience, it has been a majority of the women I have known that play sexual politics. However, that wasn't to me the point that Y23 was getting at...I basically took from his posts that men and women in healthy relationships strive to understand and meet each other's needs, and take pleasure from actively pursuing their mates happiness. There is ideally a lot of giving from both parties in an ideal marriage.Certainly if you are married to a great guy, and you care enough to appreciate him and think about how you can move him up the list, then you don't fit into the generalized category of women who don't really concern themselves with their man's happiness.Sounds like your husband is fortunate to be married to you...

Agreed. To be fair to Yankee, I read his stuff around a lot of woman bashing and probably implied more than I should've. I think the problem is that I read these posts and think from my perspective and I know that all women don't think like me but it's probably more than what you guys think (hopefully).And thank you.

I have no ego to bruise.More women should think like you. They'd be happier, and so would their husbands. I'd say my wife initiates a little less than half the time. That is to say - half the time it actually happens. I try almost every day probably. I don't see how I can't. She is with me every day and sleeps in the same bed. So I have a woman who I love, enjoy without equal and who hasn't come close to losing her ability to turn me on laying down in bed with easibly accessable clothing right next to me. What am I supposed to do?

 

[Clifford]

We tried counseling and it didn't do jack crap except take money out of our wallets. The wake up call comes when you stop doing the things she expects you to and start doing whatever the hell you want because you honestly don't give a #### anymore.

Women either care about pleasing their man or they don't. They get it from relationship with their parents and years in the chair stands a very small chance of ever changing that.

Also, where the hell have we gotten as a society that we need some hack therapist/mediator to solve all our problems?

 

[Walton Goggins]

If you haven't read the Art of Seduction I highly recommend it. Talks about some of the most powerful women in the world using sex as a weapon and one of the best at it was Cleopatra. Take 'women use sex as a weapon' as a good or bad thing but the reality is that it's a quality and power that most women use. Could be because you do everything and they are bored, could mean you don't do anything and they don't feel appreciated.

 

[Walton Goggins]

We tried counseling and it didn't do jack crap except take money out of our wallets. The wake up call comes when you stop doing the things she expects you to and start doing whatever the hell you want because you honestly don't give a #### anymore. Women either care about pleasing their man or they don't. They get it from relationship with their parents and years in the chair stands a very small chance of ever changing that. Also, where the hell have we gotten as a society that we need some hack therapist/mediator to solve all our problems?

Sad but true in many cases. The day you stop trying so hard and live to make YOU happy and realize no matter what it doesn't make a difference can in many cases turn it around. If it doesn't then it's not like you've never tried in your marriage so you have to make a choice, either live without having sex from your wife and basically change the status to you guys being roommates or get out.I really think the odds of a therapist helping out your marriage is very low. Too many variables have to take place before picking one out for it to work IMO.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

I don't want to use sex as a tool, Brad.

 

[iamsmilin]

I think it's the parts where he generalizes about women being sold a myth about what marriage takes. The generalization of what women think of men and relationships. Which I am sure he meant as certain types of women but reads as all women. In general, I know I get stuck in my own head and put certain things above his needs. This should stop. I don't really put my needs before him but I do put my kids and what I think the family needs above him. I don't know how much that will change, but I do know he needs to be moved up the list. I know my husband is a great guy and I appreciate him. I need to show him in a way he appreciates not in the ways I think is important.

OK generalizations can be offensive, and I didn't read this as a blanket statement about ALL women, but in my limited experience, it has been a majority of the women I have known that play sexual politics. However, that wasn't to me the point that Y23 was getting at...I basically took from his posts that men and women in healthy relationships strive to understand and meet each other's needs, and take pleasure from actively pursuing their mates happiness. There is ideally a lot of giving from both parties in an ideal marriage.Certainly if you are married to a great guy, and you care enough to appreciate him and think about how you can move him up the list, then you don't fit into the generalized category of women who don't really concern themselves with their man's happiness.Sounds like your husband is fortunate to be married to you...

Agreed. To be fair to Yankee, I read his stuff around a lot of woman bashing and probably implied more than I should've. I think the problem is that I read these posts and think from my perspective and I know that all women don't think like me but it's probably more than what you guys think (hopefully).And thank you.

I have no ego to bruise.More women should think like you. They'd be happier, and so would their husbands. I'd say my wife initiates a little less than half the time. That is to say - half the time it actually happens. I try almost every day probably. I don't see how I can't. She is with me every day and sleeps in the same bed. So I have a woman who I love, enjoy without equal and who hasn't come close to losing her ability to turn me on laying down in bed with easibly accessable clothing right next to me. What am I supposed to do?

My husband says the same thing. And you should do what you are doing, it sounds like it's working. You may not be getting all you want but hey you're getting it. And we certainly love being humped by our men (well some of us), it shows that you still desire us.

 

[Herb]

That being said, a lot of thing that women joke about in terms of husbands is a way to blow off steam.

Men never do this to women

 

[Clifford]

They both begin and end with what sounds reasonable in a marriage but the middle parts are angry and a little misogynist. When it comes down to it, the perception seems to be that women are thinking "I'm using sex to get everything I can". What you (general you) don't seem to understand is we don't think that way. Unlike men, sex isn't the first things on our minds, (and I violently disagree with Yankee, the child care does come first) but we don't ignore it either. I notice that men compare the sex while dating and sex while married or after kids without thinking how much changes in between. All the fights about chores, all the late nights with out sleep, etc. No woman goes into marriage thinking that they are gonna have less sex with their husbands (I know I didn't), but things in life change. What it seems to come down to is this philosophy about housework and things that needs to be done. Men come home and relax thinking, X Y and Z will get done later. Women come hoem and think, X Y and Z need to get done and then I can relax. I hate having the will you help me with X or Y fight, because it comes of as #####ing or nagging. So guess what, I do it all myself and by the time I get to relax, it's time for bed and I am too tired. If you see that X Y and Z need to get done, get up and do one. It makes me feel appreciated and gives me more time to relax. It's not that hard. Personally I've had this fight with my husband and this thread has helped a lot. It's given me a few different perspectives and made me evaluate what I should do. So thanks for that.

What if the husband does X? What if he does X & Y? What if he does all of X,Y & Z? Does that suddenly make sex happen? The simple truth is no, it doesn't. Because like anything else, the effort will eventually be taken for granted. It has happened to me on many an occasion. I do a hell of a lot of X,Y & Z, but because my wife is used to it, it isn't a big deal to her anymore. And I don't blame her, that's just human nature. The issue isn't the fact that a list of tasks isn't done, it is the attitude of the woman. A man's job is to find out what is important to their spouse and work on that attitude. But for some women, they themselves have to do the work and there is really nothing the man can do. I've also been there.For a woman to leave preparing for sex mostly up to the man is in the same sexist class as a man who thinks the wife should do all of the housework.

BAM!

 

[5Rings]

wow

5 starspreach on, brother and gl to the OP and other dudes in this thread

 

[tommyboy]

this thread is really interesting and i thank my lucky stars my wife and i have never had these issues. Honestly if i was in the position of some of the posters here i'd be divorced, or i'd be openly cheating on my wife. I would in fact tell her i'm cheating on her and make no effort to hide it. That might spur her into action, or at least if it didn't you'd be getting some strange.

 

[Dr. Gobbler]

Try throwing her on the bed and just take it.

 

[tommyboy]

Try throwing her on the bed and just take it.

yeah, no. that's called rape dude

 

[Boom Switch]

Try throwing her on the bed and just take it.

Should you put on your "beater" and Get some...

 

[Pick]

I've posted this before - the secretaries in my office complain about their husbands all the time. One of them had a birthday and she was talking about it. I mentioned that I'm sure he took good care of her that night as well and her response was, "No, it was my birthday." The obvious intention of that statement is clear. It also has underlying purposes too - I can rightfully assume that on his birthday she does something to keep him quiet - not because she loves him but because "it's laundry day," to continue a metaphor.

To be fair these are not mutually exclusive. She may feel like it's a chore but she does it because she loves him.

 

[Gr00vus]

We had a very long conversation just the two of us last night. Probably the deepest conversation we have had in years. She came out and said that she just doesn't need sex and it's not important to her.

Allow me to say the exact opposite of what the counselor will say. So what?

You've got some interesting stuff to say, but you're way off base here.For Bogart and Patrick Bateman - the short answer is very likely that your wives are depressed. In this case the no sex drive isn't the root problem, it's a symptom. Having no sex drive is simply not healthy for an adult, regardless of gender. It's an indicator that there are some real issues or/and medical problems that need to be addressed. In PB's case, your wife's medication doesn't seem to be solving her problems, it seems they're masking them somewhat and maybe making her a bit more functional, but the root problems are still there and aren't getting resolved. In either case it seems both of these women are somewhat broken and in need of fundamental repair. They need some serious therapy - on an individual basis. They're not going to be able to be open enough while their spouses are in the room. Your responsibility to them right now is to get them to realize they need this and help them set it up if necessary.

For yourselves you're in a tough spot. It'll probably take a while for your wives to work through their issues, if they ever do, and there's no telling when the no sex symptom will subside. Can you hang in there for an indefinite amount of time? Only you can answer that. Whatever your answer is though, you still need to make it clear to your wives what effect their behavior is having on you and negotiate what the coping strategy is going to be. Again that's for you to decide.

One pat answer I see repeated here often, that I think is unsound, is that you are somehow fundamentally responsible for their happiness. That if you just do a few rote things, the other person will be happy, or at least happy enough to get what you want out of them. This is wrong. If you are an unhappy person, there's little anyone else can do to make you happy long term. Certainly there are things that others can do that can make you unhappy, but personal happiness is mostly an individually derived state. It may involve others to a certain degree, but ultimately you determine your own happiness.

I say that because, when dealing with a depressed person, there isn't a whole lot you can do to "make them happy." They have to work through the causes of their depression, and that's not something you're going to solve with a date night, a weekend trip or doing chores more often.

So I've sort of come full circle and come to a place where I basically agree with much of what Yankee has said - very likely the problem really is with your wives (and to be clear I'm not making a blanket statement about all women, just these particular people), and not so much with you. Don't beat yourselves up about it, but do what makes sense to get them the help they need. I doubt tricks, games, cliches or easy solutions are going to get you back on track. And you probably will be in this sexless/passionless state in your relationship for a bit. Sucks, but people don't come with guarantees. It's your choice how to deal with them though. I can't say what the right answer is for you in navigating how to deal with the needs that will go unmet in the meantime, only you can do that really.

 

[Dr. Gobbler]

Try throwing her on the bed and just take it.

Should you put on your "beater" and Get some...

Hey, maybe he's not exuding masculinity, maybe he's become like a brother to his wife. Sometimes you have to flip the pig on her back to show them you got your own weapon and your not afraid to stab her repeatedly with it.

 

[jwb]

Try throwing her on the bed and just take it.

yeah, no. that's called rape dude

Not sure that's what he meant. I certainly would not advocate anyone doing anything that their partner wasn't willing to do. That said, I think there's something to this on a certain level. It's been my experience that many women are kind of waiting for / into some kind of... bad boy confidence (for lack of a better term). I'll put it to you this way - the whiney Ray Romano-style "hey, how about tonight... please?" asking permission probably isn't much of a turn on. ETA: not saying the OP or anyone is doing the Ray Romano thing. Just making an observation on the "throw her on the bed" comment.

 

[goonsquad]

For Bogart and Patrick Bateman - the short answer is very likely that your wives are depressed. In this case the no sex drive isn't the root problem, it's a symptom. Having no sex drive is simply not healthy for an adult, regardless of gender. It's an indicator that there are some real issues or/and medical problems that need to be addressed. In PB's case, your wife's medication doesn't seem to be solving her problems, it seems they're masking them somewhat and maybe making her a bit more functional, but the root problems are still there and aren't getting resolved. In either case it seems both of these women are somewhat broken and in need of fundamental repair. They need some serious therapy - on an individual basis. They're not going to be able to be open enough while their spouses are in the room. Your responsibility to them right now is to get them to realize they need this and help them set it up if necessary.For yourselves you're in a tough spot. It'll probably take a while for your wives to work through their issues, if they ever do, and there's no telling when the no sex symptom will subside. Can you hang in there for an indefinite amount of time? Only you can answer that. Whatever your answer is though, you still need to make it clear to your wives what effect their behavior is having on you and negotiate what the coping strategy is going to be. Again that's for you to decide.

Depression is an entirely different monster.

 

[iamsmilin]

I think it's the parts where he generalizes about women being sold a myth about what marriage takes. The generalization of what women think of men and relationships. Which I am sure he meant as certain types of women but reads as all women. In general, I know I get stuck in my own head and put certain things above his needs. This should stop. I don't really put my needs before him but I do put my kids and what I think the family needs above him. I don't know how much that will change, but I do know he needs to be moved up the list. I know my husband is a great guy and I appreciate him. I need to show him in a way he appreciates not in the ways I think is important.

OK generalizations can be offensive, and I didn't read this as a blanket statement about ALL women, but in my limited experience, it has been a majority of the women I have known that play sexual politics. However, that wasn't to me the point that Y23 was getting at...I basically took from his posts that men and women in healthy relationships strive to understand and meet each other's needs, and take pleasure from actively pursuing their mates happiness. There is ideally a lot of giving from both parties in an ideal marriage.Certainly if you are married to a great guy, and you care enough to appreciate him and think about how you can move him up the list, then you don't fit into the generalized category of women who don't really concern themselves with their man's happiness.Sounds like your husband is fortunate to be married to you...

Agreed. To be fair to Yankee, I read his stuff around a lot of woman bashing and probably implied more than I should've. I think the problem is that I read these posts and think from my perspective and I know that all women don't think like me but it's probably more than what you guys think (hopefully).And thank you.

Thanks for coming in and giving your perspective. It's more helpful than you know.

I'm glad I can be of some help!

 

[Jutz]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

 

[[icon]]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

 

[Jutz]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

 

[Walton Goggins]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

 

[[icon]]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

Posted it on my FB wall. Has elicited some entertaining replies thus far from women.

 

[RudiStein]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

Posted it on my FB wall. Has elicited some entertaining replies thus far from women.

Women hate it when someone tells them the truth.

 

[Jutz]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

Posted it on my FB wall. Has elicited some entertaining replies thus far from women.

I was just considering doing that myself, but I chickened out. You have me considering again though. I would be very curious to see how the wimmens react.

 

[[icon]]

"Cliff notes:

1. You're a #####.

2. You're Shallow.

3. You're a Slut.

4. You're a Liar.

5. You're Selfish.

6. You're Not Good Enough.

Anyone want to call their own reason? "

"So I'm a #####y, shallow, slutty, lying and not good enough..........ehhh works for me!! I like being single!!!"

"40% to 43% of all marriages end in divorce per the last estimate by the US Census bureau, so why even try ??"

"Or you just don't believe in it. he he : )"

 

[andyjayhawker]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

 

[iamsmilin]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

Posted it on my FB wall. Has elicited some entertaining replies thus far from women.

Women hate it when someone tells them the truth.

Agreed on both accounts. I thought about posting it on FB but I don't want all the drama.

 

[iamsmilin]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

If there is no physical reason for it and she's not willing to change, you may just want to cut her loose. It isn't going to gt better.

 

[Socrates11]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

One part she got wrong:

Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

Should read:

"Female anger annoys the living #### out of men. They'd rather steer their cars into a brick wall going 90mph. I know it seems unfair that a guy would ever consider wonderful you to be annoying, but actually you annoy everybody, and if you are constantly annoying it will be a big reason that you'll end up an ex-wife."

Everything else is pretty good.

 

[mr. furley]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

no chance.she's sleeping with someone else and hasn't the guts to tell you yet

 

[Socrates11]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

Dude, if she's doing it now without a ring on her finger, you honestly think it'll get better once you're hitched?Run. Run far. Run fast.

 

[Jutz]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

Sounds like she might want to try anal.

I think it is perfect timing. If she freaks out, and storms out of the house, it's over. If she agrees, you know she is still trying to stay with you, as well as the obvious bonus.

 

[Walton Goggins]

I don't know how much this article applies to this thread, but it's kind of in the same arena. NOTE: A woman wrote this. I liked this article so much, I actually bought the book this woman wrote. It was chick lit ish, but not too bad. It was a pretty good story.

Why You're Not Married

Actually that's a kickass article.

Yes. It is. :bump:

Posted it on my FB wall. Has elicited some entertaining replies thus far from women.

I'm VERY tempted to do this but there are two chicks I have as "friends" one I'm banging on and off who wants to get serious and another who I haven't yet but is driving into town this weekend. Putting that up and they read the "don't be a F buddy if you want to get married" probably isn't the smart move.

 

[Walton Goggins]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

Not wanting sex isn't healthy or natural. I would definitely drop her unless you guys just want to be strictly friends.

 

[Gr00vus]

How does the line of thinking change if this happens with a girlfriend as opposed to a wife? Going on 7 weeks with no sexual contact of any kind. I've tried to talk to her about it and she knows how important it is to me that we have a strong emotional and physical bond, but she says she is never in the mood or too stressed out with work or too tired or whatever. The easy thing to do is cut and run, but before the dry-spell I had kind of high hopes for this girl. Anybody with experience...is it wishful thinking that this might actually get better in the future?

 

[datonn]

They both begin and end with what sounds reasonable in a marriage but the middle parts are angry and a little misogynist.

When it comes down to it, the perception seems to be that women are thinking "I'm using sex to get everything I can". What you (general you) don't seem to understand is we don't think that way. Unlike men, sex isn't the first things on our minds, (and I violently disagree with Yankee, the child care does come first) but we don't ignore it either.

I notice that men compare the sex while dating and sex while married or after kids without thinking how much changes in between. All the fights about chores, all the late nights with out sleep, etc. No woman goes into marriage thinking that they are gonna have less sex with their husbands (I know I didn't), but things in life change.

What it seems to come down to is this philosophy about housework and things that needs to be done. Men come home and relax thinking, X Y and Z will get done later. Women come hoem and think, X Y and Z need to get done and then I can relax. I hate having the will you help me with X or Y fight, because it comes of as #####ing or nagging. So guess what, I do it all myself and by the time I get to relax, it's time for bed and I am too tired. If you see that X Y and Z need to get done, get up and do one. It makes me feel appreciated and gives me more time to relax. It's not that hard.

Personally I've had this fight with my husband and this thread has helped a lot. It's given me a few different perspectives and made me evaluate what I should do. So thanks for that.

What if the husband does X? What if he does X & Y? What if he does all of X,Y & Z? Does that suddenly make sex happen? The simple truth is no, it doesn't. Because like anything else, the effort will eventually be taken for granted. It has happened to me on many an occasion. I do a hell of a lot of X,Y & Z, but because my wife is used to it, it isn't a big deal to her anymore. And I don't blame her, that's just human nature. The issue isn't the fact that a list of tasks isn't done, it is the attitude of the woman. A man's job is to find out what is important to their spouse and work on that attitude. But for some women, they themselves have to do the work and there is really nothing the man can do. I've also been there.For a woman to leave preparing for sex mostly up to the man is in the same sexist class as a man who thinks the wife should do all of the housework.

Amen! With my crazy work schedule, my wife gets the business end of 80% of our childcare responsibilities, and probably 95% of the cooking. However, she's never met a dishwasher, a sink, a laundry basket, a pile of _________ on the floor, et al and not thought "that can wait until later." Later meaning days or even weeks until "datonn" takes care of it. So Yours Truly does most of the laundry, pretty-much all of the dishes, the picking up around the house, etc. On top of generating about 95% of our family's income. And my reward for that?! My wife has been "too _____________" for six years. S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S! First it was medical (she experienced pain when having sex after our oldest was born). Then it was emotional (lost her Mom, and we had a miscarriage). Then we had our youngest and I think she was afraid it would hurt again (though she never bothered to find out). Six years, since we got pregnant with our youngest...and probably less than ten times from when my oldest was born until then (roughly three years). So maybe ten times in nine years?! Being married, I can understand several days or even a week or two if the kids are being terrible and/or one of us is sick or dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. That said: S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S! She's not a lesbian. She's not having an affair. She just doesn't have a pulse at all in that department. The first 6-12 months, I was beside myself with anger/frustration. I don't care who you are and what you are going through, you don't leave your partner (who is going through much of the same grieving/loss that you are experiencing) out in the cold like that. After a year or two, I physically moved out of the bedroom...and have slept in another room ever since. 2-3 years after that?! She "won." I don't pester her for sex at all anymore. Not saying that I'm not interested! I've just all but lost most/any interest in her.

It's sadly liberating, in a way. If your spouse is using sex as power/control, and you sincerely lose interest in them (and "it" with them), then they've got nothing. You've got nothing too...but if you can find 20 other things that make you happy and/or you are able to effectively "take care of yourself," then you can still be happy while they're all of the sudden wondering why they are no longer being "pursued" like they used to be.

No offense to iamsmilin, but #### women who use sex as a weapon and for power/control. I'd rather die alone than bust my rear-end doing a job and a half...just trying to "earn" a little attention/affection. I've been there, as have millions of other men. And it's not worth it. Men will never lose interest in "it." But if the women they love ignore/abuse them long enough? They'll find ways to move on and take care of "it" without them.

 

[gianmarco]

They both begin and end with what sounds reasonable in a marriage but the middle parts are angry and a little misogynist.

When it comes down to it, the perception seems to be that women are thinking "I'm using sex to get everything I can". What you (general you) don't seem to understand is we don't think that way. Unlike men, sex isn't the first things on our minds, (and I violently disagree with Yankee, the child care does come first) but we don't ignore it either.

I notice that men compare the sex while dating and sex while married or after kids without thinking how much changes in between. All the fights about chores, all the late nights with out sleep, etc. No woman goes into marriage thinking that they are gonna have less sex with their husbands (I know I didn't), but things in life change.

What it seems to come down to is this philosophy about housework and things that needs to be done. Men come home and relax thinking, X Y and Z will get done later. Women come hoem and think, X Y and Z need to get done and then I can relax. I hate having the will you help me with X or Y fight, because it comes of as #####ing or nagging. So guess what, I do it all myself and by the time I get to relax, it's time for bed and I am too tired. If you see that X Y and Z need to get done, get up and do one. It makes me feel appreciated and gives me more time to relax. It's not that hard.

Personally I've had this fight with my husband and this thread has helped a lot. It's given me a few different perspectives and made me evaluate what I should do. So thanks for that.

What if the husband does X? What if he does X & Y? What if he does all of X,Y & Z? Does that suddenly make sex happen? The simple truth is no, it doesn't. Because like anything else, the effort will eventually be taken for granted. It has happened to me on many an occasion. I do a hell of a lot of X,Y & Z, but because my wife is used to it, it isn't a big deal to her anymore. And I don't blame her, that's just human nature. The issue isn't the fact that a list of tasks isn't done, it is the attitude of the woman. A man's job is to find out what is important to their spouse and work on that attitude. But for some women, they themselves have to do the work and there is really nothing the man can do. I've also been there.For a woman to leave preparing for sex mostly up to the man is in the same sexist class as a man who thinks the wife should do all of the housework.

Amen! With my crazy work schedule, my wife gets the business end of 80% of our childcare responsibilities, and probably 95% of the cooking. However, she's never met a dishwasher, a sink, a laundry basket, a pile of _________ on the floor, et al and not thought "that can wait until later." Later meaning days or even weeks until "datonn" takes care of it. So Yours Truly does most of the laundry, pretty-much all of the dishes, the picking up around the house, etc. On top of generating about 95% of our family's income. And my reward for that?! My wife has been "too _____________" for six years. S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S! First it was medical (she experienced pain when having sex after our oldest was born). Then it was emotional (lost her Mom, and we had a miscarriage). Then we had our youngest and I think she was afraid it would hurt again (though she never bothered to find out). Six years, since we got pregnant with our youngest...and probably less than ten times from when my oldest was born until then (roughly three years). So maybe ten times in nine years?! Being married, I can understand several days or even a week or two if the kids are being terrible and/or one of us is sick or dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. That said: S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S! She's not a lesbian. She's not having an affair. She just doesn't have a pulse at all in that department. The first 6-12 months, I was beside myself with anger/frustration. I don't care who you are and what you are going through, you don't leave your partner (who is going through much of the same grieving/loss that you are experiencing) out in the cold like that. After a year or two, I physically moved out of the bedroom...and have slept in another room ever since. 2-3 years after that?! She "won." I don't pester her for sex at all anymore. Not saying that I'm not interested! I've just all but lost most/any interest in her.

It's sadly liberating, in a way. If your spouse is using sex as power/control, and you sincerely lose interest in them (and "it" with them), then they've got nothing. You've got nothing too...but if you can find 20 other things that make you happy and/or you are able to effectively "take care of yourself," then you can still be happy while they're all of the sudden wondering why they are no longer being "pursued" like they used to be.

No offense to iamsmilin, but #### women who use sex as a weapon and for power/control. I'd rather die alone than bust my rear-end doing a job and a half...just trying to "earn" a little attention/affection. I've been there, as have millions of other men. And it's not worth it. Men will never lose interest in "it." But if the women they love ignore/abuse them long enough? They'll find ways to move on and take care of "it" without them.

Your answer

 

[datonn]

Your answer

Actually, I was thinking I'd volunteer for that one-way mission to Mars with NASA someday after my girls are grown. People/companionship is highly overrated anyway, and if my great-grandkids could brag to their friends about that elementary school that was named after me, that's good enough for me.If I do end up divorced or widowed, I'll never re-marry. Never, ever. If any other woman treated me 10% as poorly as my wife does, I'd be about two-steps from a homicidal rampage, I think. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice?!

 

[iamsmilin]

Datonn,

Damn. That sucks. I'm sorry for the situation you are in and in situations like yours, there really isn't much I can say.

My post were meant for situations that are more normal. Your case is more extreme than most.

 

[datonn]

Datonn,

Damn. That sucks. I'm sorry for the situation you are in and in situations like yours, there really isn't much I can say.

My post were meant for situations that are more normal. Your case is more extreme than most.

Yeah. I blame myself at least as much as I blame my wife. Blame myself for allowing myself to fall into this completely unfulfilling situation/relationship. My wife's been dealt a tough hand the past several years. She's a wonderful mother and a great person. That said, for as much as she'll tell people "she's there for me" or "she supports me," she hasn't been there for me in years. Not just in the bedroom. When I lost my grandparents. When we lost our "middle child" (miscarriage). When my parents divorced. I've basically had work, a few hours/day with my girls, disc golf, and FFL (and the FFA). That's it. On top of playing maid for three sloppy human beings who lack a "Y" chromosome. One pretty lousy existence.But as others (and I) have mentioned in this thread, sex is the ONE thing where if my partner is not fulfulling my needs, I am not permitted to find other people to help satisfy that need. Not without getting kicked out of my house and left within an inch or two of my financial life, anyway (after a judge and attorneys were done with me). I'm all-for women's lib, and actually work quite hard on women's issues in support of my daughters. That said, it's still the 1400s when it comes to equality between the sexes and what happens if a relationship ends (particularly related to sex or infidelity).

 

[iamsmilin]

Datonn,

Damn. That sucks. I'm sorry for the situation you are in and in situations like yours, there really isn't much I can say.

My post were meant for situations that are more normal. Your case is more extreme than most.

Yeah. I blame myself at least as much as I blame my wife. Blame myself for allowing myself to fall into this completely unfulfilling situation/relationship. My wife's been dealt a tough hand the past several years. She's a wonderful mother and a great person. That said, for as much as she'll tell people "she's there for me" or "she supports me," she hasn't been there for me in years. Not just in the bedroom. When I lost my grandparents. When we lost our "middle child" (miscarriage). When my parents divorced. I've basically had work, a few hours/day with my girls, disc golf, and FFL (and the FFA). That's it. On top of playing maid for three sloppy human beings who lack a "Y" chromosome. One pretty lousy existence.But as others (and I) have mentioned in this thread, sex is the ONE thing where if my partner is not fulfulling my needs, I am not permitted to find other people to help satisfy that need. Not without getting kicked out of my house and left within an inch or two of my financial life, anyway (after a judge and attorneys were done with me). I'm all-for women's lib, and actually work quite hard on women's issues in support of my daughters. That said, it's still the 1400s when it comes to equality between the sexes and what happens if a relationship ends (particularly related to sex or infidelity).

Have you guys tried therapy? Maybe a separation would be a good thing for you both. It honestly doesn't sound like you are getting much from the marriage other than seeing your kids. I know that's a huge thing but them seeing your marriage as an example for their future is not what I would want.

 

[Bogart]

Datonn,

Thoughts and prayers going out to you. I can honestly say, I know what you are going through. Keep your strength, and if you EVER figure this #### out, my Inbox could sure use a message from you.

 

[Bogart]

Scheduled with a counselor. May 12th. Going to be a pretty cold 2 weeks.

Already starting to have my doubts if counseling is going to be very effective. I know I need to keep an open mind, but if your spouse came to you and said they were depressed, frustrated and in dire need of a change, I would think you might step up your game just a bit, even for a few days. I'm not expecting sex, just maybe a few more words of encouragement, a tender moment or two, something to show that you care and want this to work.I have gotten two text messages. One of which she called after I responded and questioned what I was getting at. Taking the quote "I want all of you" to mean that all I am thinking about is sex.Everything else is completely status quo with no changes at all. I truly think my wife loves being married, loves having a family, but does not love me anymore. And I think I feel the same way. The kids have always played a huge part in me not making some kind of move, but the more I think and think, I would learn to adjust to seeing them not as often, but for better quality time.