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Work is too consuming—anyone else have this problem? (1 Viewer)

Otis

Footballguy
Anyone else have this problem?  Your sacrifice too many important things for work.  When you “work from home,” you find yourself getting frustrated with the family because even though you stayed home to help out thinking it would be a quiet day, everyone and his mother decides they need to email you requesting something that day, or asking you to jump on emergency calls or whatever. When work slows, you’re almost so PTSD’d out from it all that it’s hard to “disconnect” and get refocused on what really matters in life.  Even when things are slower at work, which is more rare these days, I find myself often off in a corner e-mailing, networking, brainstorming on what more I can do.  I’m halfway through my life, if I’m lucky, and I worry that one day I’ll look back and feel it was all wasted on the completely wrong things.  It’s not like I’m saving the world either, or doing something that should justify the extent of the sacrifice I make.   

The weird thing for me is I was never really a “gunner.”  I had good grades as a young child, but not due to effort. I didn’t study much until post-grad, and even then I was just “ok.”  When I first started in my profession, I wasn’t a super hard worker.  It sort of happened to me, slowly, over time.  I bought in.  And now I’m here.  And I’m probably a workaholic.  

Anyone else feel like this?  How do you manage it?

Early Merry Christmas to all my GBs.   

 
My story is too long to tell but I had the same dilemma when my kids were young. I remember talking to one of my mentors who was much older than me and was promoted to VP of American Operations at Ford Motor one night. We were getting drunk and celebrating.  I said "you finally made it"  And I was happy for him as he worked his tail off.

The guy at the time had to be making 7-800K with stock options pushing it much higher.  He said 'Yes I made it but lost everything that mattered getting here, I was never home, never made any of my kids events, I am gone so much that my wife does not even like when I am home for a month in a row, my kids only use me as a bank and truth be known I could be replaced tomorrow and the company will still march on" Then he said take a lesson from me...make time for the important things.

You have to ask yourself a question. Will your firm  totally collapse and go out of business without you being there 24-7?

 Do you want a somewhat regular schedule? By your post I think you already know the answer.

 
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Nope. I made the choice when the kids were born to be as present as possible. The career is ok, but probably took a hit by not being the guy committed to working late or weekends as much as I did when younger. Not to say I don't do what's necessary when I need to or the project calls for it- but I've opted not to work the jobs where that's all consuming. Been happy being around the kids as they've been growing up... But sure, second guess not having as much or being able to provide more for them. Pool or a pond, I guess.

 
Used to be like this, but some profound events in my life forced me to understand that everything outside of work is more important.  Now when I’m at work, I get everything done and done well, but I’m never going to overextend myself again for some corporation where I’m a line item. The old cliche about working to live holds true for me. 

 
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No, but I'd rather make a little less money and spend more time with my wife and daughter. Too many of my colleagues work insane hours and see their kids like 15 minutes a day. That's no way to live. 

 
I still live, but am too consumed with work.  Probably too focused with trying to “be done” as soon as I can. 

Have always made time for family including working my schedule to be able to coach my son for 10+ years in baseball. Also never relocated for a job. 

 
Tough spot for a guy with multiple kids.

At some point as a single person,(not sure I ever want to get married or have kids. Don't think I'm built for it) Ill get to a point where enough is enough. I'm never gonna be a mid 6 figures guy, so getting super ambitious/dedicated to work would just mean a nicer car, little more comfort with the mortgage, some better vacations, etc. I just interviewed for a promotion last week that might put me on a long term track for a pretty big job, but not F you NYC/long island money. And if that's as far as I go, I'm ok with that.

For a guy with multiple kids, working your ### off means a better life for them. The best schools, big fancy weddings, etc. I can't imagine the pressure. (Especially combined with the pressure of working at a big NY law firm) I feel for ya GB

 
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Tough spot for a guy with multiple kids.

At some point as a single person,(not sure I ever want to get married or have kids. Don't think I'm built for it) Ill get to a point where enough is enough. I'm never gonna be a mid 6 figures guy, so getting super ambitious/dedicated to work would just mean a nicer car, little more comfort with the mortgage, some better vacations, etc. I just interviewed for a promotion last week that might put me on a long term track for a pretty big job, but not F you NYC/long island money. And if that's as far as I go, I'm ok with that.

For a guy with multiple kids, working your ### off means a better life for them. The best schools, big fancy weddings, etc. I can't imagine the pressure. (Especially combined with the pressure of working at a big NY law firm) I feel for ya GB
Don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining GB. I’m blessed. Just wondering if others have this same issue, and if so, how they manage it. 

 
(blows out) i quit my job last month at purr and woofs because it so stressful and making me crazy. a last straw came when me and jimmy was at wendys and I hear a woman say to a child "don't eat like a pig". it was instinct that I walk right over and tell her she can't say that because it is disrespectful to pigs that are reading. teh lady just look at me and that's when jimmy come over and say hey studs, this aint purr and woofs. this is wendys. I was so embarrassed. I apologize and say to jimmy let's just take our large frostys home today.

it's been about 5 weeks and i couldnt be happier except you gotta pay them bills. and jimmy need a new tooth which I have to pay cash for because I dont have pet insurance through purr and woofs no more. they tell you when you in school to study hard and I wish i listened because modtrating is only job i can get now. I apply to a few places and have interview at icechewing.com after new year. any ways merry chistmas.

slunks

p and s teh whole time i was writin this jimmy was playing jingle bell on the zylophones...awwww

 
Don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining GB. I’m blessed. Just wondering if others have this same issue, and if so, how they manage it. 
By "F you money" I just meant when you get to the point where anything else is basically just gravy. (When no reasonable person could possibly spend it on things anyone could possibly NEED). Example: my dad's former boss is so rich that he uses his social security check to pay the full time staff that runs his Vermont ski compound. (As in multiple houses) Thats "F you money"

I'm guessing that number( when you don't NEED anymore) is pretty high when you have 3 kids to support in an expensive area of the country.

Wasn't a shot at ya oats.  If anyone deserves to live the good life, it's you. You're good people

 
I’m not going back into the office until the 2nd week after New Years because I want to spend a couple weeks with my parents, Brother and neices. 

 
By "F you money" I just meant when you get to the point where anything else is basically just gravy. (When no reasonable person could possibly spend it on things anyone could possibly NEED). Example: my dad's former boss is so rich that he uses his social security check to pay the full time staff that runs his Vermont ski compound. (As in multiple houses) Thats "F you money"

I'm guessing that number( when you don't NEED anymore) is pretty high when you have 3 kids to support in an expensive area of the country.

Wasn't a shot at ya oats.  If anyone deserves to live the good life, it's you. You're good people
Thanks for that GB. Not sure that’s true. But just saying I didn’t want to come off like a sob story if I was. 

 
Do what every other New Yorker does that made some wealth.  Move south. Sell your house, buy a house twice as big with cash here, invest the other 250k and work less and get paid a little less at a different law firm.  See @Chemical X

Then move to Italy.

 
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You're in a tough spot.  If you want uber success the hours and commitment are a requirement.  But along with that comes tons of cash that will set you family and kids up for easy street.

You are basically sacrificing your now for their future.  Tough choice.

 
You have to learn to compartmentalize. It’s a skill. When you’re away from work, you have to be away from work. Be in the moment. As little free time that you have, you can’t let work invade it. And I’m talking as much or more about thinking or worrying about work during your free time as I am actually doing work. That can be debilitating, and a recipe for misery and regret. 

A good friend of mine has what I imagine is one of the most stressful jobs you can have. I can’t go into details, but he deals with crises that would leave me curled up in the fetal position all day. When I met him for the first time, we had a couple drinks and chatted about a bunch of stuff wholly unrelated to work. When I got home that night, I saw him on the news dealing with something earlier that day that I could not possibly imagine dealing with. And yet, he sat there with me having a couple beers and shooting the ####. The guy can compartmentalize like no one I’ve ever seen.  It’s what allows him to be successful in his career AND maintain a healthy mental state and quality of life.

Yeah, I left the big firm life after 18 years, but I’m not going to suggest that’s the right move for you. You seem pretty institutionalized at this point, and I don’t mean that as a pejorative. I’m just saying that you’ve built a successful career in that environment and it’s hard to walk away from something you’re good at, particularly when it’s all you’ve ever known. But you have to learn how to compartmentalize. If you have to see a shrink or read some books or just use brute force to get it accomplished, do what you have to to get it done. Given what I hear you saying, that is perhaps the one skill you can develop that will have the greatest impact on your happiness  

 
I am on a much smaller scale pay wise, but we are going through something similar. I had started a thread sometime ago about taking a sabbatical from work for several months. Got some great ideas from the FFA.

I have some great equity in my house and am going to be selling it in the first quarter of the year. Wife and I decided we are going to take 3-6 months to travel rather than waiting to travel when we retire. I’m 48 and she’s 46 and we want to enjoy it while we can. Nothing major, some road trips, maybe an Aruba trip and then we are planning a trip to Alaska with my boys (college age) in August. 

I’ve got some temporary work things set up to pay our expenses and hopefully help us not to dip into our savings to much. 

My wife wants to use the road trip to pick out the region we want to finish up our earthly lives in. I’m hoping it’s somewhere with little to no snow! We will probably buy a small house for cash and live out our days. 

My wife told me she didn’t want to wake up someday and one of us not be healthy enough to do what we wanted to do, so let’s sacrifice a little now and get it done! 

 
when I’m at work, I get everything done and done well, but I’m never going to overextend myself again for some corporation where I’m a line item. The old cliche about working to live holds true for me. 
:goodposting:

I'd say the idea of making it or climbing the corporate ladder is the male equivalent of having kids for women.  I have no issues with people who want to spend a lot of their time on making it big or making a lot of money or being "successful" - everybody has that right to do what makes them happy.  Problem is, I don't know too many people that are truly happy doing that but know tons of guys who prioritize their families and their own well-being and they wouldn't trade it for the world.  Thankfully for me, I've always had this mindset so I've always been around for everything my kids have done and spent tons of time with them making memories.  We still do really well for ourselves and get to live a very comfortable life - I wouldn't have it any other way.

 
I was there, but realized how much I was missing and was going to continue to miss so I made a change. We certainly weren't in a bad financial situation, but I wouldnt call it a great one either. The only debt we had and still have are vehicle and housing. Cash flow though. We certainly weren't spenders before, but the change forced us to be more keenly aware so we maintained our checking account contingency without impacting our developed lifestyle and savings plan. And to help facilitate I've maintained my side jobs I wanted to be done with by now.

But no matter what I'm doing I'm always within 5 miles of home. I work some strange hours at times, but I'm always there for our kids activities and am able to disconnect from my regular job when not in the office. And ultimately that was our goal when I made this change. Like any decision it comes with its share of cons, but that's life. It's about choices. And this was and is the right one for us. Will that stick as our kids start to get older? Maybe, maybe not. But it isnt something I need to worry about right now. I will when the time comes and my current work should open up other opportunities should I want to pursue them. 

But I also get a New Yorker is not going to relate to the situation of a guy from the Cleveland suburbs. It's a different life. 

 
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I wasn't quite in your situation, but I was at the point I was ready to quit about 6-8 months ago. I took an Effective Personal Productivity course where I learned some key things. One was to find a work/life balance that I could be satisfied with. This is different for everybody. You have to end your day/week at a time when you are personally satisfied. If you'r left with allowing others to determine your happiness, you'll lose every time.  I would never put a personal task on my calendar. If it occurred between 8-5pm, it just didn't happen. But, I would have no trouble scheduling work tasks after 5pm or on the weekends. I began identifying the top 3 work things I needed to complete each day. I would then determine if there is any personal things that are also a priority. Those would go on my schedule as well. Everything else came after that. I also learned that I can't accomplish everything that people want me to do. There is no reason I should be tasked with stuff that takes 50-60 hours a week to accomplish, while they go home after 40. I learned to delay or delegate. Even to people that don't report to me/ This promotes development, inclusion, teamwork, and bench strength. I established personal goals that seem pretty simple, but most people don't adhere to them. Something like, I'm going to leave work at 4:30 twice a week. Or I'm going to work from home for one afternoon a week. They weren't giant leaps. But, they start the needle moving in the right direction. We are what we are because of conditioned behavior over time. We've been taught, in order to achieve success, that we must work long hours, we must be the bread winners, it's the American way. It takes the same reverse conditioning to break those habits. Find 2-3 things that you want to change. Establish small goals that help you move the needle. Then create new goals after a couple of months.

It helps to have a boss that understands your struggles and is on board with the changes. My boss took the EPP class a few months before me. So, she knew the benefits and supported everything I wanted to change. 

Good luck. You only get one life. Make it yours. 

 
I can't really relate to a lot of what many of you are saying in terms of "working to get ahead" or doing extra work to get projects done sooner or better or whatever.  As a nurse, I work my 40 hours a week and I am done.  I guess sometimes I work overtime, but I never "have" to work overtime outside of very rare occasions (maybe 3 times in 14 years).  It doesn't even matter how well or how crappy I do my job.  I get paid the same no matter what.  I have seen nurses suck ### as nurses for a decade and keep their job with zero threat of ever losing it.  Bet that makes all of you feel great about ever having to be hospitalized eh?  :X

We don't get performance raises.  There are annual raises that are the same for everyone.  There are really no promotions to be had unless you want to go for assistant manager, which is just the most awful thing ever in health care.  However that could lead to being manager, which is also terrible.  Those are the types of jobs where there is no set 40 hours.  You are on call all the time, which would be dreadful because the increase in pay does not justify it at all.  If I worked maybe 2 overtime shifts per month I would make as much as our manager makes for their salary, and I would be doing it in less hours with obviously way less responsibility.  

The only logical step up for a nurse that, to me, makes any sense at all is to go back to school to be a nurse practitioner. THAT process would be rather time consuming for a few years and be a huge strain on my family.  

Now, the issue I run into with work right now in terms of being a strain is my schedule.  I have no set schedule.  I have to work every other weekend, and I am at the mercy of where the scheduler puts me.  We have 6 week schedules that come out about 2 weeks before the 1st day of the new schedule.  I am either put on 7am-3pm or 3pm-11pm.  We put in requests, but I'll be damned if people get too many of those.  For example next week I am scheduled to work all five shifts during the 3pm-11pm time frame even though I NEVER choose to work an evening shift.  I always pick day shifts.  

It's hard to plan ahead.  It was hard to plan ahead for Christmas this year because the schedule didn't even come out till about 10 days ago.  

I am hoping that as a little more time passes I will have a bit more say on my scheduled.  I have only been at my current job two and a half years.  

Lots of pros and cons with my job I suppose. I never have to bring work home with me, and I am not expected to do anything related to work when I am off the clock.  I am busy while there, and there are plenty of stressful days, but it's over when I clock out and the work is passed on to the next person.  

But for the life of me I can't tell you with any certainty whatsoever what my scheduled will look like at any point in the future.  

 
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I used to have that problem. I was at work from 6:30 in the morning till around 7pm and then came home, ate dinner and started working from home. I barely made time for my kid and family. Then the company had a change of direction and laid me off, just like it was no big deal. I decided at that time I would never sacrifice my family again for a job that really doesn't give a crap about you. You are fooling yourself if you think the company does care about you. You can not ever get back that time when your kids are young so you need to enjoy it while it's happening.

 
I used to have that problem. I was at work from 6:30 in the morning till around 7pm and then came home, ate dinner and started working from home. I barely made time for my kid and family. Then the company had a change of direction and laid me off, just like it was no big deal. I decided at that time I would never sacrifice my family again for a job that really doesn't give a crap about you. You are fooling yourself if you think the company does care about you. You can not ever get back that time when your kids are young so you need to enjoy it while it's happening.
This is so true.  Everybody can and will be replaced.  I have watched people who thought they were VIPs leave Ford Motor and GM and be replaced the next day like nothing ever happened.

 
I made the decision about 15 years ago to get out of the big important law job ( so we all think) and  spend more time with my son who was 3 at the time. 15 years later and the best decision I ever made. I don't have the biggest house, nicest car, go on the fanciest vacations but have enough to not worry about finances, don't work more than 45 hours a week and  have a great kid with memories to last a lifetime.  I got lucky that I got into kind of a niche' industry that has been good to me and I would not trade the last 15 years for a pile of fat stacks. HTH

 
Oh hell no.

BUILD THE WALL
Make sure when you move South you tell everyone how things are done so much better "Up North".

We love that. ;)

On a serious note, this topic is a big deal. Maybe one of the biggest. Give it some deep thought as it's super important. 

I'll say this, I meet plenty of people miserable at the end after they find the ladder of success they were climbing was set toward a wall they don't care nearly as much about climbing as they thought they did. I meet way fewer that made a change to focus more on what was important to them at the cost of a less prestigious / financially rewarding job.

it's the classic "sunk cost" decision discussion. People make decisions going forward based on decisions they've made in the past. I think most people get this wrong. 

 
I’ve worked like a madman the past 20 years, but I’ve been able to make my own schedule and not miss the kids/wife too much. It’s been a pretty good balance.

One thing that bothers me a little is when people say to focus on “what’s really important.” I’ve always felt that work was really important. I was on my own at 17 and still in high school, and there was no way my kids were going to go through what I did. So for me, when I worked 15 hour days and three jobs, it wasn’t because I just wanted to, it was because it was important for me to give my family a good life.

So yes, you have to balance. But you also have an obligation as a provider, and in my opinion, it’s very important to be a very good provider.

 
I WFH once a week, sometimes twice, but absent that, home time is home time for me. If things are busier at work than usual, I'll commit to getting online from 1-2pm on a Saturday or something like that while my daughter is napping. Other than that, my phone is away and out of reach. Not just to avoid work distractions, but everyday life stuff. 

So I'd try to start small by scheduling a bit of time for yourself to handle work things when out of the office, but try like hell not to go beyond that. 

And break your addiction to your phone, if you have to. Being obsessed with it is probably the worst thing an otherwise-good parent can be.

 
don't miss out on life.  it's not worth it.  

your job doesn't truly give a crap about you.  if you never went in again, they would simply carry on without you.

 
Yes this year. It can get consuming. 

Learn to say no. I’ve stopped texting the boss back at night. She sends me a ‘did you do x?’ text and I respond at 7am the next morning. 

Same thing with emails. If it’s after 7-8 pm it’s waiting till tomorrow to get answered. 

But - this is up to you. What you want. What you’re willing to sacrifice. How much you want to make etc. 

Otis - you strike me as a guy who desperately needs to be needed. The pressure to perform and your willingness to do so brings you joy. Because it pays well and makes others like/respect you. 

Nothing wrong with this necessarily. Just know that you are CHOOSING this. It isn’t HAPPENING TO YOU.  By allowing this to continue you are prioritizing it. You want it. 

We all do what we most want to do. By doing something you reveal your desire. 

 
That's a tough spot Otis and you got some great advice here. Things are probably even more amplified due to the holiday season. Find something that will change this trap and do it. Do it today! Whether it's turning off your phone, watching a movie with the family, taking a long car ride alone. Whatever, just do it. Then do some more. Get out of this drain you seem to be in a little at a time. It doesn't have to be drastic moves, little things can help too. I wish you well.

 
Feel like I've been reading some version of this from Otis for a while.  Hope you can finally strike the right balance for you/your family

 
I'm with you. Despite swearing I wasn't going to work for 4 days after working two 70 hour weeks in a row, I'm currently working because it stresses me out not to. 

 
I think we are in a deadly spiral of phone addicted people.  Some play farm games and some just hammer work emails for 18 hours a day. They might not get anymore done than 8 hours of focused work but it's the volume shooting they are after. 

It's a problem of systems now basically automating so much of the busy work that people used to do as well.  Instead of spending more time to themselves or being creative it's just knocking out a billion emails and getting people used to the idea that they are "there"

 
Otis said:
Don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining GB. I’m blessed. Just wondering if others have this same issue, and if so, how they manage it. 
Let me know when you figure it out.  I'm at a point where I feel guilty if I'm not working, spending time with my kids, or playing a sport/exercising.  Because if I'm not doing one of those three things I feel like I should be working. 

 
The conference call culture is also out of control. People call calls for the stupidest reasons. Two emails can manage half the effort and 9\10 times it's just two people doing all the talking and everyone else is looking at girls asses on Instagram. 
Over the past few months, I've been roped into a completely unnecessary project. If they had just asked me, I could have saved everyone God knows how much work.

We have a call pretty much every other week. I've tried to explain a better solution but nobody  listens. And I'm pretty sure the guy organizing them is just a "project guy" . If the calls end, someone will realize he is completely unnecessary. So they drag on....

 
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Studs & Duds said:
(blows out) i quit my job last month at purr and woofs because it so stressful and making me crazy. a last straw came when me and jimmy was at wendys and I hear a woman say to a child "don't eat like a pig". it was instinct that I walk right over and tell her she can't say that because it is disrespectful to pigs that are reading. teh lady just look at me and that's when jimmy come over and say hey studs, this aint purr and woofs. this is wendys. I was so embarrassed. I apologize and say to jimmy let's just take our large frostys home today.

it's been about 5 weeks and i couldnt be happier except you gotta pay them bills. and jimmy need a new tooth which I have to pay cash for because I dont have pet insurance through purr and woofs no more. they tell you when you in school to study hard and I wish i listened because modtrating is only job i can get now. I apply to a few places and have interview at icechewing.com after new year. any ways merry chistmas.

slunks

p and s teh whole time i was writin this jimmy was playing jingle bell on the zylophones...awwww
You had me laughing out loud before i finished reading the first sentence.  Merry Christmas S&D

 

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