St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Cal: Wow Dad, there sure are a lot of receipts in Mommy's purse. Can you pay those for me?! 
ointsatmeandlaughs:
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Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Sack-Religious.
- Start date
Billy Costigan Jr
Footballguy
My 3 1/2 yo son likes to toss his shorts and underwear off when he has to go to the bathroom.
My wife was in the bathroom and stopped him and told him to leave them down at his ankles and to "waddle on over to the toilet like a penguin."
Peter yells back... "MOMMY I'M NOT A PENGUIN! I'M PEOPLE!"
My wife was in the bathroom and stopped him and told him to leave them down at his ankles and to "waddle on over to the toilet like a penguin."
Peter yells back... "MOMMY I'M NOT A PENGUIN! I'M PEOPLE!"
Captain Quinoa
Footballguy
wife: hey, I lost 5 pounds
son (7): no offense, but I'm not seeing it
son (7): no offense, but I'm not seeing it
iamsmilin
I want one, but I'm not creative
regularguy
Footballguy
Dungeon Master
Footballguy
I was playing Super Mario Wii with my 2.5 year old daughter (well, she was just watching and holding a controller) and I died on a board for like the 10th time in a row and I starting complaining. She turned around and looked right at me, put her hand on my cheek all sweetly, and said, "Stop whining. It hurts my ears."
My daughter is 4 years old and she suffers from Rasmussen's encephalitis and may require a hemispherectomy :'( but that's another story...
Me: Hey toaster mits, where's the remote at?
Amber: I has no where it at.
Me: Well, it's not on the coffee table where it's suppose to be... Did you use it to change the channel?
Amber: His with heaven in mommy.
(My wife died 6 months ago from non-Hodgkin lymphoma)... She had taken the batteries out of the remote and thought the remote "died" and went to heaven to see mommy.
Me: Hey toaster mits, where's the remote at?
Amber: I has no where it at.
Me: Well, it's not on the coffee table where it's suppose to be... Did you use it to change the channel?
Amber: His with heaven in mommy.
(My wife died 6 months ago from non-Hodgkin lymphoma)... She had taken the batteries out of the remote and thought the remote "died" and went to heaven to see mommy.
dharmapunk
Footballguy
I had a beard last winter. Shaved it off in the spring. My 3 year old son occasionally asks where the beard went.
Then the other day we're wrestling and he stops, looks at my nose, then gets excited and yells, "THERE'S THE BEARD! IT'S IN YOUR NOSTRILS!"
(um, time to get out the clippers....)
Then the other day we're wrestling and he stops, looks at my nose, then gets excited and yells, "THERE'S THE BEARD! IT'S IN YOUR NOSTRILS!"
(um, time to get out the clippers....)
dharmapunk
Footballguy
Kids rule.
GTBilly
Footballguy
Wow no where near what I expect to read in this thread as it lacks the funny portion of the program but alas it did move me.
ffersbigmanlyhug:
Early_10
footballgoddess
That was a little funny but sad at the same time. God bless you man. Lost your wife and raising a child. I have not idea what Rasmussen's is but I grew up with a younger sister who was severly disabled. I saw what a strain it was for them. I hope you are well and keep your strength.
Charlie Steiner
Footballguy
Had to read through the whole thing to make sure this type of comment wasn't already posted. I just wish my kid had been the one to say it because it just hit me right...
I'm hanging out with several other parents at my son's football practice the other night, and one of them has their younger son--I guess in the 7-9 year-old range--and out of the blue the boy adds this line to the conversation: "I guess I'll have to pull my own finger."
I'm hanging out with several other parents at my son's football practice the other night, and one of them has their younger son--I guess in the 7-9 year-old range--and out of the blue the boy adds this line to the conversation: "I guess I'll have to pull my own finger."
mr. furley
Footballguy
2-year old daughter sees a moustache sticker that i have on my laptop ( )
points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me: yes she does.... yes she does 
daughter:
AND A BEARD!
furleywife:
)points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me:
yes she does.... yes she does daughter:
AND A BEARD!furleywife:
Early_10
footballgoddess
Unless your daughter is confusing having seen your wife naked, I wouldn't retell this story if I were you.mr. furley said:2-year old daughter sees a moustache sticker that i have on my laptop ()
points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me:
daughter:AND A BEARD!
furleywife:
mr. furley
Footballguy
she's 1/2 Sicilian. moustaches are like a badge of honor or something.Unless your daughter is confusing having seen your wife naked, I wouldn't retell this story if I were you.mr. furley said:2-year old daughter sees a moustache sticker that i have on my laptop (
points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me:
daughter:AND A BEARD!
furleywife:
McJose
Footballguy
My wife likes to tell a story about her younger brother when he was about 4. I guess he walked in on their mom getting out of the shower. He ran into the living room and yelled "Dad! Mom's growing a beard!"she's 1/2 Sicilian. moustaches are like a badge of honor or something.Unless your daughter is confusing having seen your wife naked, I wouldn't retell this story if I were you.mr. furley said:2-year old daughter sees a moustache sticker that i have on my laptop (
points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me:
daughter:
furleywife:
mr. furley
Footballguy
hfsMy wife likes to tell a story about her younger brother when he was about 4. I guess he walked in on their mom getting out of the shower. He ran into the living room and yelled "Dad! Mom's growing a beard!"she's 1/2 Sicilian. moustaches are like a badge of honor or something.Unless your daughter is confusing having seen your wife naked, I wouldn't retell this story if I were you.mr. furley said:2-year old daughter sees a moustache sticker that i have on my laptop (
points and says "that's a moooosetache"
me: yup. that's a moustache. just like daddy's.
daughter: no
me: yup. and i have a beard too.
daughter: no daddy. you no have a moooosetache. mommy has a mooooosetache.
me:
daughter:
furleywife:
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
We were coming home from a party yesterday and I will buy you a new life was on the radio. We always marvel at the remarkable memory Cal has, he is a borderline freak.
The following conversation takes place:
Cal: Dad, why is he buying her all that stuff?
Me: Who is buying what stuff?
Cal: In the song.
Me: Oh. It's kind of like how I bought mommy a new car and house and stuff.
Cal: Oh. Remember when I used to live in mommy's cave?
Me: (Looking straight forward feeling the icy stare of Mrs. SLB on me trying not laugh.) What?
Cal: Remember when I lived in mommy's cave and then I came out?
Me: Yeah, Cal. (Turn to Mrs. SLB, I swear I didn't tell him that. )
The following conversation takes place:
Cal: Dad, why is he buying her all that stuff?
Me: Who is buying what stuff?
Cal: In the song.
Me: Oh. It's kind of like how I bought mommy a new car and house and stuff.
Cal: Oh. Remember when I used to live in mommy's cave?
Me: (Looking straight forward feeling the icy stare of Mrs. SLB on me trying not laugh.) What?
Cal: Remember when I lived in mommy's cave and then I came out?
Me: Yeah, Cal. (Turn to Mrs. SLB, I swear I didn't tell him that.
)
El Floppo
Footballguy
Jr has been obsessing on the Backyardigans since our fire. Bedtime stories always involve including them into whatever the story is. Any trip by car, bus, subway, plane means telling a story about them doing something too.
So today, after subwaying it back home from a trip to our old hood and it's requisite Backyardigan stories-
Me- You hungry?
Jr- Yeah. I'm going to eat Uniqua.
Me- ... you are?
Jr- Yeah. I'm going to eat her all up.
Me- ummmmm- ok. Sure. so... does she taste good?
Jr- Yeah.
Me- what does she taste like?
Jr- Cupcakes.
Me- mmmm- sounds good, bub.
Jr- ... and meat. Cupcakes, meat .... aaaaaaaand popcorn.
So today, after subwaying it back home from a trip to our old hood and it's requisite Backyardigan stories-
Me- You hungry?
Jr- Yeah. I'm going to eat Uniqua.
Me-
... you are?Jr- Yeah. I'm going to eat her all up.
Me- ummmmm- ok. Sure. so... does she taste good?
Jr- Yeah.
Me- what does she taste like?
Jr- Cupcakes.
Me- mmmm- sounds good, bub.
Jr- ... and meat. Cupcakes, meat .... aaaaaaaand popcorn.
McJose
Footballguy
Why did you say it twice?We were coming home from a party yesterday and I will buy you a new life was on the radio. We always marvel at the remarkable memory Cal has, he is a borderline freak.
The following conversation takes place:
Cal: Dad, why is he buying her all that stuff?
Me: Who is buying what stuff?
Cal: In the song.
Me: Oh. It's kind of like how I bought mommy a new car and house and stuff.
Cal: Oh. Remember when I used to live in mommy's cave?
Me: (Looking straight forward feeling the icy stare of Mrs. SLB on me trying not laugh.) What?
Cal: Remember when I lived in mommy's cave and then I came out?
Me: Yeah, Cal. (Turn to Mrs. SLB, I swear I didn't tell him that.
Senor Schmutzig
Footballguy
My 6-year old was talking to my dad about the day my son was born. My dad was talking about all the people that were there, Grandma and Grandpa, his other Grandma, mommy and daddy. My six year old then comes out with this nugget when my dad ask him why we were all there in the hospital:"Because I was in mommy's tummy and you were all there waiting for her to poop me out!"We were coming home from a party yesterday and I will buy you a new life was on the radio. We always marvel at the remarkable memory Cal has, he is a borderline freak.
The following conversation takes place:
Cal: Dad, why is he buying her all that stuff?
Me: Who is buying what stuff?
Cal: In the song.
Me: Oh. It's kind of like how I bought mommy a new car and house and stuff.
Cal: Oh. Remember when I used to live in mommy's cave?
Me: (Looking straight forward feeling the icy stare of Mrs. SLB on me trying not laugh.) What?
Cal: Remember when I lived in mommy's cave and then I came out?
Me: Yeah, Cal. (Turn to Mrs. SLB, I swear I didn't tell him that.)
Last edited by a moderator:
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Because I was doing a beer bong and it was hard to steer and drive.Why did you say it twice?We were coming home from a party yesterday and I will buy you a new life was on the radio. We always marvel at the remarkable memory Cal has, he is a borderline freak.
The following conversation takes place:
Cal: Dad, why is he buying her all that stuff?
Me: Who is buying what stuff?
Cal: In the song.
Me: Oh. It's kind of like how I bought mommy a new car and house and stuff.
Cal: Oh. Remember when I used to live in mommy's cave?
Me: (Looking straight forward feeling the icy stare of Mrs. SLB on me trying not laugh.) What?
Cal: Remember when I lived in mommy's cave and then I came out?
Me: Yeah, Cal. (Turn to Mrs. SLB, I swear I didn't tell him that.)
mr. furley
Footballguy
St. Louis Bob
Footballguy
Just now:
Me: Cal, get in the bathtub please.
Cal: DAD! I told you to call me Mr. Cinnamon!
Me: Cal, get in the bathtub please.
Cal: DAD! I told you to call me Mr. Cinnamon!
mr. furley
Footballguy
after taking a look at her plastic toy gorilla
looks at me, runs and hugs my legs: "i love my big gorilla daddy "
looks at me, runs and hugs my legs: "i love my big gorilla daddy
"
SuperJohn96
RPS World Champion
At bedtime, my 5 month pregnant wife is reading a book about Peter becoming a big brother as well as the changes that happen to Mommy during the pregnancy.
Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"
SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"
SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
Diet Mountain Dew
Footballguy
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant, and our 2 year old daughter will go and hold food up to my wife's stomach and make eating noises like the baby is eating it. Looks really cute. Then she walks over to me and does it to my stomachAt bedtime, my 5 month pregnant wife is reading a book about Peter becoming a big brother as well as the changes that happen to Mommy during the pregnancy.Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
. Guess I need to drop a few pounds.
mr roboto
Footballguy
I was watching a golf tournament couple weeks ago and my 2 1/2 daughter Grace likes to watch golf too (as long as we are sharing those freeze pops she likes).
Then, a week or so later, we see President Obama on the TV...
Me - Honey, do you see that man on the TV?
Grace - Yep.
Me - Do you know who that is?
Grace - It's Tiger Woods!
She was so proud of herself. I corrected her but she still can't really say 'Obama'. So now when she sees him, she calls him President Bomama.
Then, a week or so later, we see President Obama on the TV...
Me - Honey, do you see that man on the TV?
Grace - Yep.
Me - Do you know who that is?
Grace - It's Tiger Woods!
She was so proud of herself. I corrected her but she still can't really say 'Obama'. So now when she sees him, she calls him President Bomama.
Clown Car
Footballguy
Hey! Glad to hear you are expecting again! Congratulations!Last week my 3 yo son had to have ball surgery to put righty in the sack. The procedure is no big deal, but it still required general anasthesia. While waiting for him to come out of it, we kept talking to him, trying to wake him up real well, get him to drink etc. He kept whining and crying that he wanted to go home. We kept telling him to drink his juice, wake up... Finally, he snatched the cup out of my hand and in all clarity took two big swigs and says "There. I am all better, now LET's GO HOME!"So we did.At bedtime, my 5 month pregnant wife is reading a book about Peter becoming a big brother as well as the changes that happen to Mommy during the pregnancy.Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
Bob Lee Swagger
Footballguy
Hey! Glad to hear you are expecting again! Congratulations!Last week my 3 yo son had to have ball surgery to put righty in the sack. The procedure is no big deal, but it still required general anasthesia. While waiting for him to come out of it, we kept talking to him, trying to wake him up real well, get him to drink etc. He kept whining and crying that he wanted to go home. We kept telling him to drink his juice, wake up... Finally, he snatched the cup out of my hand and in all clarity took two big swigs and says "There. I am all better, now LET's GO HOME!"At bedtime, my 5 month pregnant wife is reading a book about Peter becoming a big brother as well as the changes that happen to Mommy during the pregnancy.
Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"
SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
So we did.
That was so unexpected.
Parasailer
Footballguy
I've come to realize my kids just aren't that funny.
Clown Car
Footballguy
My 11 yo and 9yo girls were working at the table in the other room. They are in "Oklahoma!" this month so they are always singing and it is driving us nuts. So, my husband hollers at them to "stop singing!" I said "you can't do math and sing at the same time!" So, the 11 yo said "I wasn't singing." My husband hollers back to her "then we aren't talking to you!"
Then the 9 yo says "I'm not doing math."
Then the 9 yo says "I'm not doing math."
gianmarco
Footballguy
Not my kid, but a friend's kid that I was told about what was said. Unfortunately, his grandmother recently passed and they had the wake and the funeral. At the wake, there were a few other kids. He's only 5, and while he has a little understanding of her death, it's obviously at a limited level.
Friend's kid: "Hey guys, look. You can actually see and touch my grandma. She's just really, really cold".
Friend's kid: "Hey guys, look. You can actually see and touch my grandma. She's just really, really cold".
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
Mine decided she needed to yell at the TV the same way daddy was on Saturday. She fired out a, "Yeah, you're awful Tiger Forest."
Bob Sacamano
Footballguy
"Daddy, the dresser with the light in my doll house isn't working."
It's a common problem. Those little pill-shaped batteries in the bottom of the dresser often lose contact with the terminals, so I get the screwdriver and open it up.
"Daddy, what's that thing called again?"
"A screwdriver."
I wedge some folded up pieces of paper between the lid and the batteries, forcing them to make contact, screw the lid back on, and all is well. She runs off with her dresser, happy as a clam. A few minutes later I hear her telling my wife, "Yep, daddy screwed it."
It's a common problem. Those little pill-shaped batteries in the bottom of the dresser often lose contact with the terminals, so I get the screwdriver and open it up.
"Daddy, what's that thing called again?"
"A screwdriver."
I wedge some folded up pieces of paper between the lid and the batteries, forcing them to make contact, screw the lid back on, and all is well. She runs off with her dresser, happy as a clam. A few minutes later I hear her telling my wife, "Yep, daddy screwed it."
Peter Lemonjello
Footballguy
My 2 yo boy when being tucked into bed: "Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bears get me."
Bed bugs are of increasing concern, but they can't hold a candle to bears.
Bed bugs are of increasing concern, but they can't hold a candle to bears.
McJose
Footballguy
Tell him "With that swiss-cheese offensive line they've got you're pretty safe".
Elbow Truck Driver
Footballguy
Billy Costigan Jr
Footballguy
Don't feel bad McJose...even Mickey Mantle struck out before.
McJose
Footballguy
It doesn't?
Elbow Truck Driver
Footballguy
It doesn't?This doesn't make any football sense.
I think it makes a lot more sense if you talk about problems in the Bears' defensive line. The offensive line isn't really trying to "get" anyone.
McJose
Footballguy
They sure didn't last night.It doesn't?
Third
Footballguy
We are looking at old photos from the delivery room with my now 3-year-old son. One of the pictures showed him lying on the delivery table with a freshly-snipped umbilical cord. The "scissors" were laying across his stomach in the photo.
He asks, "momma, why did they cut my balls off?"
He asks, "momma, why did they cut my balls off?"
Nigel
Footballguy
I overheard a conversation between my daughter, 4 last month, and her friend.
Friend, pointing at picture of Lily and my Dad: "Who's that"
Lily: "That's my Papa. He's dead."
Friend: "How did he die?"
Lily: "I think he got hit by a truck or somethng."
Friend: "wow"
Lily: "Yeah, it squished him. It was sad and gross."
My Dad died of cancer two years ago. :X
Friend, pointing at picture of Lily and my Dad: "Who's that"
Lily: "That's my Papa. He's dead."
Friend: "How did he die?"
Lily: "I think he got hit by a truck or somethng."
Friend: "wow"
Lily: "Yeah, it squished him. It was sad and gross."
My Dad died of cancer two years ago. :X
iamsmilin
I want one, but I'm not creative
I was driving with my 6 year old and we were on the same road as we took to the hospital last year.Him: Mommy when are we going back to the hospital?Me: We aren't going to the hospital.Him: But it's daddys turn to have the baby taken out.Me:At bedtime, my 5 month pregnant wife is reading a book about Peter becoming a big brother as well as the changes that happen to Mommy during the pregnancy.Peter looks at me excitedly and yells, "LOOK MOM! DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY TOO! You're just pretending to be pregnant, right Dad?"SJ96: Uh, yeah...right...
