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A note to my coworker ... (3 Viewers)

Our supervisor comes around every morning just to say 'hi'. to make sure you're here and to make sure you know she's here.

nothing more than poking her head around the corner to wave good morning and say 'hey'.

everyone responds with a quick 'hi' and gets back to what they were doing.. WHY OH WHY must one lady, EVERY DAY, have some tragic story to tell her?? it's so ####ing depressing. EVERY DAY the boss says 'hi' and the lady responds with a hang-dog look and a story that she crafts in to a disaster of epic proportion that runs on for 10 minutes.

:thumbup:

getting stuck in traffic for 3 minutes on your way to your country home is NOT A STORY THAT REQUIRES TEN MINUTES TO TELL! that you were 2 minutes late getting home to cook dinner for your husband is NOT A BIG DEAL! stop with the woe-is-me bull####! that stoplight did not ruin your night and it's NO ####ING REASON to be depressed the following day to the point where it RUINS YOUR ENTIRE DAY!

:wall:

EVERY ####ING DAY it's something different! EVERY DAY!! :wall: :hot:

 
"commenteding"??? :confused:

thought it was a slip of the tongue the first time you said it.. but.. you dropped it two more times in the next couple minutes.

"commenteding"????

but you didn't stop at just creating a word, Jesse. you went ahead and threw "ain't" in there to top it off.

"i ain't commenteding on that"???? :moneybag: were you raised by wolves?

and, please, she is not your "cuzint". the word is spelled "cousin" and pronounced "[kuhz-uhn]". every time you say that word i have to stifle a laugh and wonder how you hold a job.

 
Dear co-workers:

It is great that our boss buys and brings in soda, ice tea, pretzels and other miscelleaneous stuff. He's a nice guy. You may note though that I do not consume any of these things. I drink water and bring my own food in. If he never brought another can of Diet Coke and Arizona Ice Tea in ever again it would not bother me.

Thus, when he asked me to meet him at Sams Club to help him load the soda and ice tea because of his hernia, it would have been nice if someone else who actually consumed these things volunteered. We all know that I'm not going to get paid for doing this tonight and that I don't actually drink any of this stuff. But it will be my time tonight that is wasted meeting the boss at Sam's Club, shopping with him, and loading this stuff into his car. We also all know that I'll be the one that has to go downstairs tomorrow, unload his car, and carry everything back upstairs.

You may also note that the Buffalo Bills play on MNF tonight. That's right, the team that is going to get slaughtered by the Dallas Cowboys. But that's MY team that is going to get slaughtered by the Cowboys. It's their first MNF appearance in quite some time. But I will be missing part of the game in order to pickup the swill that you all drink.

Here's hoping that your beverages are all tainted,

GD

 
GroveDiesel said:
Dear co-workers:It is great that our boss buys and brings in soda, ice tea, pretzels and other miscelleaneous stuff. He's a nice guy. You may note though that I do not consume any of these things. I drink water and bring my own food in. If he never brought another can of Diet Coke and Arizona Ice Tea in ever again it would not bother me.Thus, when he asked me to meet him at Sams Club to help him load the soda and ice tea because of his hernia, it would have been nice if someone else who actually consumed these things volunteered. We all know that I'm not going to get paid for doing this tonight and that I don't actually drink any of this stuff. But it will be my time tonight that is wasted meeting the boss at Sam's Club, shopping with him, and loading this stuff into his car. We also all know that I'll be the one that has to go downstairs tomorrow, unload his car, and carry everything back upstairs. You may also note that the Buffalo Bills play on MNF tonight. That's right, the team that is going to get slaughtered by the Dallas Cowboys. But that's MY team that is going to get slaughtered by the Cowboys. It's their first MNF appearance in quite some time. But I will be missing part of the game in order to pickup the swill that you all drink.Here's hoping that your beverages are all tainted,GD
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:unsure: Telling him you have plans down?
 
HEY #####, SHUT THE #### UP WHY DO YOU TALK SO LOUD ON THE MOTHER ####ING PHONE GOD YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING DAMN PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD JUST SHUT UUUUUUPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Dear Boss:

Telling us that the office was closed on Columbus Day, then stating that the employee handbook states we didn't really have it off, so we're not getting paid for it...

...is more than lame - this is probably the one that will get you reported to the BBB.

By the way - that "personal reason" for me leaving at 3:00 is to go to a job interview.

 
shuke said:
HEY #####, SHUT THE #### UP WHY DO YOU TALK SO LOUD ON THE MOTHER ####ING PHONE GOD YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING DAMN PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD JUST SHUT UUUUUUPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
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OF COURSE THEY HAVE TO TALK LOUD! THEY"RE CALLING LONG DISTANCE!!!
 
The Goat said:
Dear Boss:Telling us that the office was closed on Columbus Day, then stating that the employee handbook states we didn't really have it off, so we're not getting paid for it......is more than lame - this is probably the one that will get you reported to the BBB.By the way - that "personal reason" for me leaving at 3:00 is to go to a job interview.
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How large is this company?
 
I'm posting this strictly for the purpose of mocking my GB Oat and besmirching his "good name" without his knowing it. Search function this, you walking, talking Petri dish.

Carry on.

 
Bob Sacamano said:
I'm posting this strictly for the purpose of mocking my GB Oat and besmirching his "good name" without his knowing it. Search function this, you walking, talking Petri dish.Carry on.
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awesome:(
 
Dear Boss:

On this, my last day working for you as a full-time employee, I would like to thank you for the enormous amount of experience I've gleaned during my time here. I appreciate that you'll be giving me side work as a contractor, but the conversation about how "you're going to keep me so busy that I can't become your competition?"

That was funny. I'll believe it when I see it. In the meantime, expect to see me at Chamber of Commerce events.

What I learned from you is basically how NOT to run a business. I will never use the words "creative billing" while submitting invoices. I will never treat clients as though they were employees. Most of all, I will never, ever combine hubris and ignorance with the sheer audacity that you have.

My NCA lasts two years. The rest of the Poconos are fair game.

You're on notice.

 
WampusCat43 said:
Dear overly-large co-worker woman:

I offered you a piece of my wife's delicious homemade fudge, not the whole freakin' box! The bleeding's stopped, but I think I'm going to lose a couple fingernails. Next time I'll just throw it at you and run. For someone who packs three bills and has bad knees, you're gator quick.

Keep packin' it in,

Wamp
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Dear Gator:We're all unhappy that five of us are now locked in a small, stuffy, germ-filled room together, because you and your coworkers were unable to get this project finished on time. I'm particularly unhappy that I am facing you from where I sit.

So far today, day one, you have:

a) read us an excerpt from a children's book you're writing,

b) called your cellphone company to change your PIN number and ##### about some text messaging your idiot daughter did, and

c) called the school to get your son's Rytalin dosage changed.

One of my coworkers made a noose out of his power cord. I had to tackle him.

That rubber ducky on your desk that you squeak periodically, possibly every time you open a candy bar? I have a good recipe for contact poison. Sleep well.

Ay yi yi,

Wamp

 
Dear Select Few,

Listen. I understand the system is difficult, I even don't understand it but when you try one thing and it does not work please try to look around a bit and see if you can figure it out. I'm on the development team, not IT support, deskside, etc. Technically my job description does not say anywhere that I need to make sure your PC is correctly setup. I'm all for helping you out when you need help but I'm not ever going to get any of my work done, that you will complain about not being done, if I have to spend all day figuring out why your personal machine does not work. Why the 100 people before you that followed the instructions have no problems yet you folks can't seem to follow them. Please before you go raising alarms and flags maybe do some trial and error. I understand you are on a deadline but guess what, so am I, and when I don't meet MY deadline - you won't meet yours. You see I create the product you are using and well I can't work on it when I'm getting pulled all over the place.

To my fellow workers on my team. Just because I'm in the physical location of said person with issue why am I defaulted to fix it? We have this crazy technology that enables you to see other peoples desktops and actually do stuff to their machine. I'll let you in on a secret even though I sit in the same physical location - I never go to their desk. I do everything via netmeeting, so don't you think maybe you could just do that too??

- Signed ENOUGH ALREADY.

I'm not trying to sound like a pompous ### but may have. I'm just tired of the "laziness" of others. I don't have time for your whining and crying and you running to the person in charge because the first thing you tried was not "correct". I really can't understand how some people have no computer skills yet work on one everyday.

It's tough to explain but I think my job is starting to wear on me.

 
Dear Coworker,

It's not my fault nor do I care that you only got a 3.2% raise last year, when everyone else got more. I also can't believe I'm still hearing about it almost a year after the fact. I also don't care that you got slammed for billing almost an hour for looking up a client's contact info and then whine to me about how others screw up and nothing happens to them. You're the idiot who thought you could sneak it under the client's nose and he wouldn't notice. I also don't care that you recently had over 1 week's worth of document review written off by our client because you clearly were "taking it easy" in getting through the documents. You are now worried that they are slowly trying to weed you out and will be letting you go at our reviews this year......maybe you're right.

- :confused:

 
Dear Co-Worker who's office is next to mine,

PLEASE STOP SINGING! I too somewhat enjoy the new Alisha Keys song but you are doing your best to change that.

Yes it does have a catchy chorus and a nice beat to it. But please, do you need to listen to it at least once an hour? And you you need to sing along to it as well each time?

Also, please change your cell phone ringer to vibrate. If not please change it from that God forsaken Alisha Keys song! And must you let it ring until your voicemail picks it up EVERY time?!?!? You do know you can hit a button to silence your ringer right?

Thanks so much.

 
Dear fatty who comes into my office every morning,

Please stop immediately. Since I started 4 months ago you have come into my office everyday and asked me the same question "When is the ***** branch opening?". Everyday I have given you the exact same answer. "I don't know, I will let you know when I hear something". But alas, that doesn't stop you from asking every single ####en day!

And you know how you stand around for at least 3 minutes after asking me this and don't say anything? It really bothers me. I know that you want someone to talk to you, but you annoy me. Please leave. It is very awkward. Just because you are old and overweight does not mean I will have sympathy for you.

Here are a few hints for making some friends:

1) Wear something other than a golf shirt. And when you do where the golf shirt, please do up the buttons. There is no need to show off you junglesque chest hair and that little gold necklace.

2) Use deodorant and wear and under shirt. Pit stains are not cool

3) Go to a freakin dentist.

Have an excellent day!

 
Dear female co-worker,

Your ability to combine the social skills of a deranged ferret and the attitude of Vince Lombardi is greet. Maybe not Customer Service great, but great nonetheless.

Pops

 
popeye said:
Dear female co-worker, Your ability to combine the social skills of a deranged ferret and the attitude of Vince Lombardi is greet. Maybe not Customer Service great, but great nonetheless. Pops
Click to expand...
Is this going to be fodder for the latest, "The thing is..."?
 
Dear entire nursing staff: just because I have managed to book a full day's worth of patients and you will have to work a full 8 hours, do not act like the sky is falling and the 'pacolypse is upon us.

 
Dear AO. You and I have a long history and I think you're nice. So just remember this is a favor from me to you in telling you that hiking up your pants in the front more and more as the days go by does not lessen the appearance of your front ### (butt).

 
Dear Sniffles Mahatma

You apparently have contracted the Bubonic Plague. GO THE HELL HOME! It's not quite 11 AM and if you keep going at this rate you'll have burned through at least six hankies by lunchtime. GO THE HELL HOME! Your poor wife is gonna need a chisel to get those snotrags out of your stylish polyester britches when you get home tonight. GO THE HELL HOME! Why you insist upon hanging out in the kitchen area and reading every for sale sign and Christmas concert note that's on the fridge, sneezing and blowing your nose while people are trying to fix their lunches, is beyond me. GO THE HELL HOME! I may never order anything with cheese on it again. GO THE HELL HOME! Just put your Weggieburger in the microwave and come back in two minutes, then go back to your cubicle and watch the stock market all day. Better yet, GO THE HELL HOME!

p.s. GO THE HELL HOME!

 
Nigel Tufnel said:
Dear you:

Did you really just say "baby" eight times in a one-minute conversation? May God have mercy on your soul.
Click to expand...
I assume you weren't watching this?Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her "baby".

Jeff: You never called her baby before.

Steve: You've never called anyone baby before.

Jeff: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly, you're starting to blush.

Steve: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood!

 
Dear Co-Workers,

Annoying Co-worker #1 - Please stop with the personal phone calls and giggling all day like Barney Rubble. I may have to rip out your larynx. Oh and we open at 8:30 not 9:30, not 9:45, not 10:00. EIGHT ####### THIRTY. Get here on time.

Annoying Co-worker #2 - I can't help it that no one else in the office will talk to you anymore. This doesn't mean that I want to listen to your rantings about bad drivers, your husband's illnesses and how unfair your boss is. Oh, and when you need help with your PC, please don't bellow from your office "I CAN"T GET TO THE INTERNET!!!, I CAN"T GET TO THE INTERNET!!" and expect me to walk down to your office to tell you to reboot your machine. Reboot the damn thing yourself and try again. If that doesn't work please come down to my office and let me know you need me to check out your PC.

Sincerely,

I chose the very back office for a reason.

 
Bob Sacamano said:
Nigel Tufnel said:
Dear you:

Did you really just say "baby" eight times in a one-minute conversation? May God have mercy on your soul.
Click to expand...
I assume you weren't watching this?Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her "baby".

Jeff: You never called her baby before.

Steve: You've never called anyone baby before.

Jeff: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly, you're starting to blush.

Steve: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Click to expand...
:popcorn:
 
To kill or not to kill co-workers? That is the question

Too Legit To Quit, But I Wish You Would

To kill, or not to kill our co-workers? THAT is the question.

Working is a vital necessity in today's world, and we all need the money to survive. Whenever we start a job we are thrown into a world consisting of people, rules, and information that existed even before we got there. Sometimes these are people or things which, in our regular lives, would never cross our paths. It is hard to deal with these things on a consistent basis because we would normally walk away from them when given a choice otherwise. One of the most common frustrations is the dreaded obnoxious co-worker.

Let's face it, we all had those one or two office characters that make us want to laugh, cry or punch the nearest wall. I have dedicated this article to all of the mentally unstable people that I have ever worked with

over time. I have listed my favorites in no particular order. I am sure many of you will be able to relate.

 
(1) The Ghetto Girl: Oh, how I hated you. It wasn't your weave with the tracks showing, or your too tight pants that allowed your double muffin top to spill over. It wasn't how you watched "The Cookout" on a mini-dvd player, or chewed off your fake nails during work hours that got to me either. It was your overly loud voice that broadcasted your business and dispensed unsolicited advice that really drove me insane. I don't "need to go to da club" or "gets a baby daddy" like you said I did. I didn't want to know how "T'shante from around the way laid it down like a pimp with a strong hand" over the weekend. Sure, he was "bangin' in his White T" but do I care? NO! Get back to work and, for the love of all things holy, please stop trying to order bootleg 20-inch rims over the phone from a cousin of a friend of a

friend.

 
(2) The Mentally Unstable Guy: I feel badly that you have some sort of chemical imbalance in that head of yours. What I do not feel badly about is how you get psychotic at the drop of a hat. It's unfortunate that you incorrectly filed away the paperwork, and that I had to remind you of how we do things around here. It is also unfortunate how you got in my face and threatened to kick my ### when I told you. I was willing to let it go, but after you threw a temper tantrum when someone used a blue post-it instead of the standard yellow, I knew you had to go. I did like how that vein bulged out of your head though, and you did teach me curse words I had never heard before. I kind of miss you now that I think about it. I doubt your three ex-wives feel the same way.
 
(3) The Oversexed Nympho: My god! Just looking at you could send someone's hormones into such a frenzy that they would have to fight off the urge to hump the nearest inanimate object. Your suggestive remarks and constant butt-slapping wouldn't bother me as much if the President of the company wasn't standing right behind us. That skirt you wore last week? I am pretty sure I could see your ovaries it was so short. I must thank you though for teaching me about what a "Donkey Punch" "Red Wing" and "Shocker" were. I just thank my lucky stars that you told me verbally, and did not make a PowerPoint presentation when educating me on these things.
 
(4) The Complainer: I don't particularly love coming to work every single day either. Sometimes the rules don't make sense, and it sucks that the coffee they serve in the break room tastes like flavored chalk. This doesn't give you the right to complain every single second you are in the workplace. You have taken being a disgruntled employee to a whole new level. The only thing you haven't complained about yet is the fact that you are completely and utterly useless. If making stupid mistakes was an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist for sure. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Man up already!
 


(5) The Smelly Dude: Uh, the makers of Lever 2000 called, and they told me that all of your 2000 parts stink. There is so much body odor in your area it smells like a junior high locker room on a hot summer day. Let's put it this way: I'd rather get trapped in a room filled with the farts from someone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome than be around you for ten seconds. If you don't remove Mt. Dandruff from your desk anytime soon I am sure the Department of Sanitation is going to shut us down.

 
(6) The Pervert: I could catch an STD just by looking in your direction. You undress everyone with your eyes, and say inappropriate things thinking you're being smooth. I am not sure if it is the soft, slow voice you speak in, or that you twist your abundant chest hair while making conversation, but everything you do redefines being creepy. Also, those serial killer glasses you sport have got to go. I'm pretty sure that when you die the cops will find dead bodies underneath your house.
 
(7) The Control Freak: I didn't realize that I needed to get your permission to breathe, go to the bathroom, or daydream about the hot UPS guy. You seem to know everything about everything, and any rule you did not invent is idiotic and couldn't possibly work. Who cares if your micromanaging screws everything up? Who cares if your daily rants and miniature breakdowns cause people to feel on edge constantly? Who cares that you are single-handedly running your company into the ground? This is your world and we're just living in it!
 


(8) The Wimp: Stop letting everyone treat you like a redheaded stepchild. I love how your subordinates talk down to you, and make you play by their rules. I wish you were my boss so I could walk all over you like a cheap doormat. I imagine it cannot be easy to stand upright when you don't even have a spine. I have some advice for you: grow a pair already!

 


(9) The Lazy Girl: Are you allergic to work? If so, I would be willing to let it go that you hardly show up for work, or that you don't even do anything once you are here. If it's a medical condition I can't fault you for that. Somehow I just don't think that's the case. You've missed more days than you've actually worked, and when you do come in you complain about how you need a vacation. I am pretty sure that the last time I looked up the word sloth in the dictionary your name was next to it. Actually, I don't think any of the seven deadly sins want to be associated with you.

 
(10) The Chronically-Ill Guy: You get a cold and all of a sudden you've come down with the bird flu. You've got a headache but you're certain that it's actually a brain aneurysm in the works. These small things don't concern you, but your terrible smokers' cough and crapping yourself regularly don't seem to bother you. Oh, and don't think that we haven't noticed those "irish coffees" you've been drinking in the morning. Tequila and coffee? Classy. I can't even bear to think of what your liver and lungs look like. If they look anything like your teeth, I don't want to know.
 
Running with scissors said:
(3) The Oversexed Nympho: My god! Just looking at you could send someone's hormones into such a frenzy that they would have to fight off the urge to hump the nearest inanimate object. Your suggestive remarks and constant butt-slapping wouldn't bother me as much if the President of the company wasn't standing right behind us. That skirt you wore last week? I am pretty sure I could see your ovaries it was so short. I must thank you though for teaching me about what a "Donkey Punch" "Red Wing" and "Shocker" were. I just thank my lucky stars that you told me verbally, and did not make a PowerPoint presentation when educating me on these things.
Click to expand...
:kicksrock:
 
I get it. You like to listen to Christmas Songs. ALL DAY LONG. And I think you bump your volume up a notch every day as Christmas nears. Your radio is about 2 more "Silver Bells" from getting a beat down courtesy of my keyboard.

 
Dear Mr. "I Used to Be a Colonel in the Army"...

While very impressive your resume must be, your are now in the commercial world and we don't give a flying fu@# about your medals. I don't care that people used to listen to you. I don't care that they called you sir, and colonel, and other ### kissing names. I don't care you used to barge through doors without knocking. Now you are just another VP among the 25 our company has, and a very underpaid one at that. I make more than you as a director, and you don't even know it. Nobody listens to you anymore, and all the chest thumping you do about there being a VP in front of your name does nothing more than make us Finance people put your stuff at the end of our to-do list. If you loved the military that much, go the hell back.

Not to mention, is colonel even that high of a rank? I mean, we have former Generals and Admirals on our DOD team. Not one of them has ever asked us to call them General. The CEO and COO of the company were SES-4 in the Intel world, none of them ever asked to be anything other than Mike and Steve.

So, Bob, deal with the fact that you are just another puke like the rest of us, act a little civil, and stop putting the spit shine on the Johnston Murphys. We're just not that damn impressed.

That is all.

 
Dear HR lady,

Please don't ever engage me in conversation - ever. I'm really trying to work on things that are important. You, on the otherhand, are a secretary who was hired to scan documents and answer the phones. When you decided that you were too good to do these things you were inexplicably given the position of head of HR for our small company. That's fine, I can generally ignore you but please don't talk to me. Generally speaking, you probably should be avoiding talking about the following things you have done to anyone:

Putting your Ipod through the wash because it was in your pocket

Putting a stamp on an envelope that you then hand delivered to another desk in our 2500 sq foot office

Sealing all the RSVP envelopes before placing them in your wedding invitations

I could go on. You are either the least intelligent person I have ever met or the highest functioning person with down syndrome on the planet.

Please fall into an open manhole,

MM

 
Ladies, really, we get it. There's no need to ramble on and on and on and on and on about the same topic at every meeting.

It's been SIX WEEKS now that you have griped about the SAME issue. An issue so minor that it has had zero effect on the department since i have been here. It's an issue that no one would have noticed had you not brought it up!

SHUT THE #### UP!

Quit wasting 15-20 minutes of EVERY meeting by bringing it up AGAIN and AGAIN. Every perceived slight is not a tragic assault on your very being. I realize menopause is tough but this is absolutely ridiculous.

I've spoken to our acquisitions guy and he cleared the 2 ball gags i ordered. If you pipe up again at the next meeting i'm breaking those ##### out and strapping em on your head.

 
BTW, as a career move, it is not so wise to be honest ALL the time... at least not when you are not even asked a question.

ie. - Don't volunteer that you would not vote for Obama not only because, in your words "the nations is not ready for a black president" but in fact that "you wouldn't vote for a black president"

Um... 1974 called. It would like it's workplace open bigotry back.

 
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