****Official**** depression thread (2 Viewers)

Been in a pretty dark place the last 25 days. Was not fun, do not recommend.

Signed a lease yesterday. Moving into my own apartment, Lord willing, in 3-7 weeks.

Will check back in a few months with the preliminary results of my RL social experiment on “the effects of satisfying base hierarchical needs (food, shelter) on long term mental illnesses.“

BobbyLayne said:

Will check back in a few months with the preliminary results of my RL social experiment on “the effects of satisfying base hierarchical needs (food, shelter) on long term mental illnesses.“

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does one use an out-of-control group for comparison in such experiments? GLGB -

I'm sure this won't apply to everyone but I'm posting it here on the odd chance it helps someone.

I've always been a really anxious person and somewhat depressive. About 5 years ago I had thyroid issues (hashimoto's and later thyroid cancer) which I resolved with surgery and meds. At first we thought the anxiety/depression was explained by the thyroid - makes sense, that little bugger controls a lot of hormones - but a lot of the problems still stuck around.

Around this same time I started noticing a correlation to how I felt and the food I was eating. Specifically there's a restaurant that makes amazing pretzel rolls not far from my house. I noticed that every time we ordered from there I got really grumpy with the kids and snapped easily. I also felt VERY tired a lot, but I had little kids and own my own business so that was easily explained and i just compensated with coffee.

As an experiment I decided to cut out gluten, and after about 3-4 days I felt a good bit better. Not perfect, but better. Less tired, a little happier and the nagging back/knee/achilles pains I had in my late 30s started to lessen up. Decided that even though being gluten free kinda sucks I'd stick with it (later found out it's not that bad). 

The more I read labels and watched what I ate I started to pay attention to how foods made me felt. I discovered that dairy makes me insanely anxious within minutes and soy makes me feel incredibly depressive for some reason. A few times recently I’ve eaten something with soy in it and didn’t realize it. I’d randomly start crying about nothing, or at least feel like it... then 2 days later I felt fine again (assumedly when it gets out of my system).
 
The more I read about these things it sounds like I’m not alone and though I’m not a doctor it sounds like it has to do with increased inflammation in the body, which makes sense based on the aches and pains going away.

Long story short… if you’re having problems with anxiety and depression try keeping a food journal or at least pay attention to how you feel when you eat certain foods. Experiment a little and see how you feel after 3-4 days of cutting out a particular food, and try to only make one change at a time to help make things a little easier to keep track of. 

The only catch is you really have to avoid it 100%... no cheating because in many cases cutting it out 95% will still cause a reaction, especially with gluten. Also, many of these intolerances are not allergies so an allergy blood test won’t show them in most cases, so you really have to just experiment on your own and see how you feel. The good news is the doctor won’t send you a $1,000 bill for it that way.

Anyway, hope this helps some of you… even though cutting out some of the foods I really love kinda sucks at times it’s amazing how much better I feel when I avoid them. 

TL;DR - If you're looking for a drug free way to help depression/anxiety, cutting out some of the common food allergens (gluten, dairy and soy specifically) really helped me and it's easy to try on your own. 

KiddLattimer said:

TL;DR - If you're looking for a drug free way to help depression/anxiety, cutting out some of the common food allergens (gluten, dairy and soy specifically) really helped me and it's easy to try on your own. 

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interesting stuff.

though i'm to be counted among those who think most psychological problems are nowhere near as organic as most people do (it's not your brain, it's your life), inflammation is the overwhelming factor in almost all of our maladies and could most certainly play a role in our personal well-being in many ways. thx for sharing.

wikkidpissah said:

interesting stuff.

though i'm to be counted among those who think most psychological problems are nowhere near as organic as most people do (it's not your brain, it's your life), inflammation is the overwhelming factor in almost all of our maladies and could most certainly play a role in our personal well-being in many ways. thx for sharing.

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Definitely, I've been listening to a lot of health related podcasts (most skew vegan, which ive also been tinkering with) but a lot of the doctors on there have discussed something to the effect of "genes load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger".  There seems to be something to it, even if it's just swapping processed food for whole food more often.

KiddLattimer said:

Definitely, I've been listening to a lot of health related podcasts (most skew vegan, which ive also been tinkering with) but a lot of the doctors on there have discussed something to the effect of "genes load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger".  There seems to be something to it, even if it's just swapping processed food for whole food more often.

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it aint a new thing. the first "lifestyle" eating program i ever followed was the mucusless diet of Dr Arnold Ehret that was all the rage of hippies in the communes i happened to as a runaway 50 yrs ago. his book - which one only reads when theyre stuck on a springbare couch at a commune that's giving one food & shelter long enough to shake the cold out of one's bones - was entirely about inflammation. then i realized that, living on ethanol, eskatrol & Marlborol as i was, eating seeds & berries werent gonna help much, so i went back to pizza & three-way roast beef sammiches

KiddLattimer said:

Definitely, I've been listening to a lot of health related podcasts (most skew vegan, which ive also been tinkering with) but a lot of the doctors on there have discussed something to the effect of "genes load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger".  There seems to be something to it, even if it's just swapping processed food for whole food more often.

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That's an interesting quote - I don't consider myself a person that deals with depression but I do get depressed and it always coincides with bad habits - drinking too much, not getting enough sleep, eating poorly.  Usually if/when I fix those things I snap out of it.

I don't know if it's depression or what, but man I'm having a weird morning.  I went out for drinks Saturday night and was an absolute blob all day yesterday.  Was exhausted this morning.  

Luckily work is quite slow today and I have no meetings.  

I think I need to jump in the shower and get myself moving around.

Man, alcohol really does me in these days.  I love going out and being social and having the little buzz going, but the after-effects are really starting to become too debilitating to handle.  :(

nirad3 said:

I don't know if it's depression or what, but man I'm having a weird morning.  I went out for drinks Saturday night and was an absolute blob all day yesterday.  Was exhausted this morning.  

Luckily work is quite slow today and I have no meetings.  

I think I need to jump in the shower and get myself moving around.

Man, alcohol really does me in these days.  I love going out and being social and having the little buzz going, but the after-effects are really starting to become too debilitating to handle.  :(

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Yeah, I rarely drink anymore because of said reasons.  I got tired of wasting days on the previous night.  

Major said:

Yeah, I rarely drink anymore because of said reasons.  I got tired of wasting days on the previous night.  

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I seem to do fine with day drinking, where I can come home and relax and have a few waters before I go to bed.  It seems like the only times where I'm hung over (or just "blah") the next day is if I drink at night and come home and pass right out.  I think there's things I can do to avoid the bad days.

nirad3 said:

I seem to do fine with day drinking, where I can come home and relax and have a few waters before I go to bed.  It seems like the only times where I'm hung over (or just "blah") the next day is if I drink at night and come home and pass right out.  I think there's things I can do to avoid the bad days.

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Yeah, your situation doesn't sound like depression.  Likely dehydration and lack of quality sleep.  

This time of year bothers me more than most.  My head fills with thoughts that I can't control.  Everything/Everyone feels like it's against me.  I read into situations more than I probably should, but when I ignore it I hear something in my head telling me over and over what I'm ignorning.  Sometimes it's my voice, sometimes it's my wife's.  My marriage hasab een on a down swing for 10 years now.  Maybe it's not a swing, but more of a drop.  I've gone from feeling like she was out to get me to being the problem to being a failure.  I've sought out therapy and Rx to help keep my mind right.  Thanks to Covid, my therapist cancelled our appts.  We tried virtual, but it wasn't the same.  It wasn't a "safe place" to talk or have these conversations.  I don't want my kids to know their dad is "not right".  But I know they see it...the swings from one extreme to the other.  There's a constant chill in the room when my wife and I are there.  I've been sleeping on the couch for over a year now.  It feels like there's no going back.  I try to talk to her, but I can't control my anger and sadness.  They hit at the same time.  Instead I have to bite my tongue and pretend I'm okay, all while I know I'm not. Every Xmas it's the same.  I pretend we're a happy family.  I do everything I can to see my kids smile and be surprised on Xmas morning.  I make good money, but have had poor decisions in my past that I will pay for until I die.  Every year I pick up a second job to make sure ends are met and the kids get what they want/need.  From Nov to Feb I work 70-80 hours a week.  After that I make sure I'm there to help drive the kids to practices, help with homework, clean around the house, and then maybe get 4 hrs sleep to start the day over again.  I don't ask for anything for Xmas, mainly because I know I'm not going to see anything. I've asked for tix to an Indians game and maybe just a weekend getaway for us.  She hates CLE and vows to never go back there following an event that took place 18 years ago.  I tell her about basic things I could use to help me every day, a new radio for my 18 year old truck.  Even just gift cards for food places so I can eat while I'm driving around.  Something.  Yet each year it gets worse.  This year I got very telling gifts that I am no longer in her thoughts.  A sweatshirt that she didn't like, but it was on the rack at Meijer as she walked to check out.  A tshirt that i'm sure my daughter picked out while they were clothes shopping.  A grilling cookbook, which I had asked her for, but happened to be the same thing she told my Bro-in-law to get me as a secret santa gift.  Nothing in those shows she thought about me.  The voices help point that out.  She complained about her car radio, I got her one for xmas.  She said her airpods broke months ago, I kept that in mind and got her a new pair.  I overheard her telling my daughter how much she liked a pair of boots, so I got those.  Things she could use.  Things she wanted.  Things she had no idea I was going to get.  I planned for months to save the money and get her things she could use, would need, things to help her. She treated me like I was an afterthought.  Which coincidentally is how our relationship is anymore.  She has called me "clueless", "useless", and "worthless"....then during the holidays she doubles down to make sure I know my place with her.  I want to say I'm reading too much into it, but my mind says differently. Every Xmas I end up outside my in laws crying a bit by myself.  This year is no different.  After xmas plans are made and I'm left out. I may have to work, but it's remotely.  I can go anywhere at anytime. The family is going to Dave and Busters so the kids can play, I'd like to go with ya.  Maybe just going out to eat with family, sure I can take a longer lunch break to join you.  I'm not asked, but those are my replies.  I say them to no one but me and the dog. It's lonely here. every day in December it feels lonlier.  This year more than most. Each NYE, I kid myself into believing the next year will be better.  "I'm going to make it better. I deserve to have a better life. I deserve a happy marriage." But in reality, I know I'll maybe get a peck on the cheek at midnight, followed by her going to bed and me on the couch.  My kids are teenagers.  I truly believe that once they all graduate and move out, our marriage will be over.  I've said as much to her, and she disagrees.  but thats as much as she says on the matter. she doesn't like to talk to me.  At times I don't blame her. I can't keep the anger/sadness in much anymore.  I don't have friends. She is my best friend, my only friend, and i'm left feeling like she's turned her back on me. the anger and sadness is a big circle.  i fight my way out only to get sucked back into it. the pills don't work. i'm thiking about doubling up the dosage.  I've had worse thoughts. I can't do that though...I told myself i wouldn't quit. i can't quit. but some days it's hard to fight. it's hard to keep going knowing that when the day ends, the next day will feel like it is on repeat. i won't do it to the kids. i don't want them to incur the debt i piled up from my youth. i don't want them to remember me as the one who quit on them.  but at the same time, i don't want them remembering me how i am now either. if you read any of this, i'm sorry.  i needed an outlet and this was up.  i try to remind myself that i'm not alone, even though it feels like it. i had this thread up to read stories from others. to find similar/familiar faces in this fog. it's lonely here in a house full of people. it shouldn't be.  but it is.

sounds like you need to say "no", stop some cycles that are eroding your spirit, if not ruining your life. but it also sounds like you need to learn how to say "no" for it to communicate what you need to communicate.

your family appears to trust that you never will say "no", so their alarm when they hear it may well ruin your courage to make a stand, which is why you need to learn how. most of the stuff you describe, i hear quite a bit. you are nowhere near alone on this. there are answers to most of it, you can be in front of your life again. if you want my help, PM me. if not, good luck.

and dont hesitate to blow steam here when you need to. we understand, many of us have been there. some may not have gotten the answers they wanted, but nobody's been run off neither. best wishes for a happier 2021, peak.

Peak said:

My kids are teenagers.  I truly believe that once they all graduate and move out, our marriage will be over.  I've said as much to her, and she disagrees.  

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I'm not one to give advice, so I won't, but this sounds hopelessly convoluted, as if you have no agency or say in the matter. It just jumped out to me. I don't see how she can disagree when you're lamenting the end of your own marriage. Sounds like everything runs through her, even your autonomy. Anyway, that sentence plus the "useless" and "worthless" things just struck me as incredibly destructive and manipulative. They were sad to hear to even an impartial, neutral observer. Best of luck, Peak. 

Peak, your wife seems to take you for granted and sounds emotionally abusive.  Your kids I'm sure have noticed you have been sleeping on the couch for over a year, and have picked up on the strain in the marriage.  By the way, kids are resilient, and can weather parental breakups and shakeups.

You say that you can't hold the anger and sadness in. What have you done to express this?  Maybe you should take the weight off your shoulders, and tell your wife exactly how you feel. Be specific like you were in what you wrote.  Take up for yourself, and take control of your situation, or she will continue to walk all over you. You sound like a thoughtful person in your writings. Give yourself a chance to be happy, Peak.

Peak said:

This time of year bothers me more than most.  My head fills with thoughts that I can't control.  Everything/Everyone feels like it's against me....

if you read any of this, i'm sorry.  i needed an outlet and this was up.  i try to remind myself that i'm not alone, even though it feels like it. i had this thread up to read stories from others. to find similar/familiar faces in this fog. it's lonely here in a house full of people. it shouldn't be.  but it is.

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I read it and just want to say I hear you and you’re not alone.  It ####### sucks what you’re going through and there’s no other way around it.

I would suggest trying to get the therapy going again.  I didn’t expect to be into the zoom therapy, but it hasn’t been too bad.  Good luck.  

Hang in there Peak.

Peak said:

This time of year bothers me more than most. 

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I don't know if this helps but, dang, your whole situation was me to a T (except the youthful debt and kids are in the low 20s now). 

One thing that resonated with me...As you know, once you get to the couch its hard to get back. The more time the harder it seems. I ended up deciding just to go back. Told her i was making the decision to do it and did it. It was against my thought process at the time. The effort took off some of the chill.

The online therapy was also difficult for me at first. I worked through it because I needed to have access to someone that understood my depression and thoughts. Most don't and it frustrates us. It helps me to talk it out and know I have a session booked, especially when things are dark. If privacy is an issue, I get it so maybe its time to share your depression with the kids. They may deal with this themselves down the road. I told my kids when they were 17/15 and they seem to have benefitted and understood me more. Again, it was counter intuitive for me at the time. BTW, @wikkidpissah's offer is a good one.

Keep fighting for your mental health. Hopefully things get better for you.

This seems like a better place to post than my good friend swc’s perfect day thread.

I took a shower today. Changed my clothes for the first time since Saturday. Already know it’s gonna be an awesome day.

How’s everyone doing?

I was on a pretty good streak for a few months but the last 5-6 weeks have been hell. Of course everyone thinks I’m doing great bc I can smile and tell them I’m fine and get through an Easter bbq.

I’m in virtual treatment every weekday through the VA for comorbid major depression and acute PTSD. I’ve definitely picked up a lot of tools in the past 14.5 months (since I began the Pyschosocial program.) But it never ends.

Best I can hope for us to effectively manage my mental illness. Some days are better than others.

Thought this thread would have more posts during pandemic given that it's been estimated over 50% of the population is experienced anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic.

PSA

____________________

Anyway, just came here to post a rec for a book that I've found very helpful.

The Body Keeps the Score

And a short memoir (84 pages) to give to folks who care about you, Darkness Visible.

BobbyLayne said:

Thought this thread would have more posts during pandemic given that it's been estimated over 50% of the population is experienced anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic.

PSA

____________________

Anyway, just came here to post a rec for a book that I've found very helpful.

The Body Keeps the Score

And a short memoir (84 pages) to give to folks who care about you, Darkness Visible.

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hope you're well 

mr. furley said:

hope you're well 

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living life on life's terms

I’ve lurked here before, and don’t have many people close to me.  The one best friend that I was close with and understood what I was fighting with lost the battle to her demons in late may and killed herself while I was off having the very same thoughts myself just days before she did it.  Spending her birthday at her grave last after not being able to be around for the funeral is just all hitting hard and making it real and just weighing on top of all the darkness that’s been in my mind for years.  I guess I really just felt like venting this anonymously somewhere because otherwise I just lay awake with my thoughts.

CowboyFan4822 said:

I’ve lurked here before, and don’t have many people close to me.  The one best friend that I was close with and understood what I was fighting with lost the battle to her demons in late may and killed herself while I was off having the very same thoughts myself just days before she did it.  Spending her birthday at her grave last after not being able to be around for the funeral is just all hitting hard and making it real and just weighing on top of all the darkness that’s been in my mind for years.  I guess I really just felt like venting this anonymously somewhere because otherwise I just lay awake with my thoughts.

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####. So so sorry about your friend :(  and for what youre going through. 

Aside from venting here to a bunch of dorks, are you getting any help for yourself?

El Floppo said:

####. So so sorry about your friend :(  and for what youre going through. 

Aside from venting here to a bunch of dorks, are you getting any help for yourself?

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I was on a lexapro for a little over a month and a half a few months back until I decided to get off from just feeling worse.  Didn’t really feel like it was doing anything for me.  I’ve survived feeling alone and not have any close connections for a over a decade now so I just try and work a lot, at 28 straight 12 hours now, just to shut my brain off and numb things.

CowboyFan4822 said:

I was on a lexapro for a little over a month and a half a few months back until I decided to get off from just feeling worse.  Didn’t really feel like it was doing anything for me.  I’ve survived feeling alone and not have any close connections for a over a decade now so I just try and work a lot, at 28 straight 12 hours now, just to shut my brain off and numb things.

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talk to somebody, man. anybody.

if you cant find anybody, go to an AA meeting and pretend you're addicted to sumn and see how hard people work to find and enjoy the best part of themselves. see how much your problems put you in common with other people. we all hurt, my brother. we're all in too deep to feel safe on sumnorother. whether we suffer, well that's the whole point. we use ourselves, if for nothing more, to get between pain and suffering. that's life. that may not be all you want but, do it often enough, and you may find it to be. you think you have nothing but, if you find a part of you that can beat back the ####, you'll start to see what you, me, all of us is about. make sure you've used all your power before you entertain whether or not it should be over. start there. talk to somebody - good luck.

CowboyFan4822 said:

I was on a lexapro for a little over a month and a half a few months back until I decided to get off from just feeling worse.  Didn’t really feel like it was doing anything for me.  I’ve survived feeling alone and not have any close connections for a over a decade now so I just try and work a lot, at 28 straight 12 hours now, just to shut my brain off and numb things.

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 Hey brother. I don’t know your story, but what you wrote definitely resonates. Like you walked off the page of my journal.

I hope this doesn’t come across as judgey. You need to be in recovery. You won’t heal if you don’t put in the work. Listen, like I said, I don’t know enough about you. But in my experience – and I’ve been around a lot of folks dealing with major/severe mental illness - that’s how you slay this monster. You have to get into therapy but you also have to attack this thing from several different angles. Not just meds. Not just talk therapy.  Exercise, eat right, hydrate, talk therapy - and if necessary, meds. 

Went off Zoloft (sertraline) last November. Took it for one year. Did well for a few months but have been spiraling the last 3-4. Not a huge fan of the side effects from Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), so trying Wellbutrin (bupropion.)  slightly different strategies as it increases your dopamine instead of changing your serotonin levels. We’ll see. 

I know I sound like a broken record. In my experience, mental health is not just meds and it’s not just talk therapy. You have to take a holistic approach to your life. Mental health is just one component of that. 

CowboyFan4822 said:

I was on a lexapro for a little over a month and a half a few months back until I decided to get off from just feeling worse.  Didn’t really feel like it was doing anything for me.  I’ve survived feeling alone and not have any close connections for a over a decade now so I just try and work a lot, at 28 straight 12 hours now, just to shut my brain off and numb things.

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hey CF, sorry for the delay- and thanks for the reply. still thinking about you, and still feeling sad about your loss and situation.

I went through meds years ago- Lexapro, Wellbutrin and another one I've forgotten. I hope you spoke to the person that prescribed the lexapro for you- these meds need trial and error to get the right med and right dosage, and the doc is there to help you find that.

I found that once I dialed it in (wiht the help of my doc), it helped me a lot to get a boost getting me back on track. my problem was always depression/anxiety and a paralysis that came with it- making decisions, moving forward on difficult issues at or on work, life, love... it would just leave me frozen and floating along. outwardly, might not look like much to most people- but I knew my life was stuck and sinking in the ruts I was making.

for me, taking any step to fixing things started filling in those ruts in and getting me back on a more open road towards living the life I wanted to. the meds helped in a big way. as did talk therapy... and exercise... and all of things wikkid and bobby mentioned in the previous posts. but again, for me- it was about taking any step however small to try to right the ship. I'd feel better just making the call to the therapist to set up the first appointment.

wishing you nothing but the best.

BobbyLayne said:

 Hey brother. I don’t know your story, but what you wrote definitely resonates. Like you walked off the page of my journal.

I hope this doesn’t come across as judgey. You need to be in recovery. You won’t heal if you don’t put in the work. Listen, like I said, I don’t know enough about you. But in my experience – and I’ve been around a lot of folks dealing with major/severe mental illness - that’s how you slay this monster. You have to get into therapy but you also have to attack this thing from several different angles. Not just meds. Not just talk therapy.  Exercise, eat right, hydrate, talk therapy - and if necessary, meds. 

Went off Zoloft (sertraline) last November. Took it for one year. Did well for a few months but have been spiraling the last 3-4. Not a huge fan of the side effects from Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), so trying Wellbutrin (bupropion.)  slightly different strategies as it increases your dopamine instead of changing your serotonin levels. We’ll see. 

I know I sound like a broken record. In my experience, mental health is not just meds and it’s not just talk therapy. You have to take a holistic approach to your life. Mental health is just one component of that. 

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What side effects did you experience from the sertraline ?

Cowboysfan8 said:

What side effects did you experience from the sertraline ?

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Weight gain and loss of libido. The former is because it induces cravings. For the latter, NBD for me bc Xian & celibate by choice, but you have to be careful. SSRIs can cause permanent libido loss. That’s not a published side effect (the permanence) but I’m telling you I’ve seen it a lot at the VA. Mine returned. Which was a relief to my fiancé lol.

SSRIs are great. They helped me and a lot of my friends. But with any medication, do the research and talk to as many people as you can who are on the exact same meds.

I remember as a kid of ten years, my father being a pretty horrible person.  Some of it was excess liquor...Portuguese homemade wine is extremely potent. 

They divorced, and I remember receiving letters in the mail putting me down and describing as worthless.  Kind of hard having to listen and read that at ten years of age and throughout your school years.

I fought through it and became a good person despite it all...58 years old next week.  Mental issues effect not only the victim, but the family and friends are also victims seeing you hurt.

Always remember that is not a sign of weakness to ask for help...it is a sign of strength.

Help someone and/or their families suffering from mental illness and donate to a good cause at...

https://www.namiwalks.org/participant/371514

Hey fellow FBGs....  I'm not normally one to complain or vent but I haven't been feeling especially hot lately.  Let me back up to last May for a minute.  Actually, let me back up before that.  About a year ago in November my Chinesed wife of 12 years announced she wanted a divorce.  I won't go into the nitty gritties, but it came down to different lifestyles.  I still love her enough to let her go if that's what she wants.  Anyhow, we mediated the terms of our divorce over the spring and summer of 2021.  We each have our lawyers who didn't muck up the mediation process, thank God.  We have a hearing for an uncontested divorce next Tuesday, the 28th.  So that's one thing that has been weighing on my mind.  

Next, I had been at my job - the same job - for twenty years last May. My youngest (daughter) graduated high school and opted to go to UC Santa Cruz.  I doubt she'll ever move close to me or her mother again.  She's semi-officially a California girl now.  In any event, I decided I had enough of that job of 20 years as of last November.  The boss begged me to stay on part-time but pull my full-time salary until he could figure out how to transition my work to someone else.  So I was there part-time until the end of May 2021, at which time I officially resigned.  

I grew up in the greater Boston area, but the snow was really starting to get me down.  Just too old to deal with all that shoveling.  I decided I wanted to move somewhere where snow wasn't such an issue.  I did a survey of cities and town across the U.S. trying to figure out where to move to.  Note I have two children - my son and oldest daughter - who were going to move with me.  To make a long story short, it came down to either Austin, TX, or Denver, CO.  While I was afraid Austin might get too hot in the summer, my oldest daughter who was moving with me, announced that women's rights in Texas are equivalent to living under the Taliban and she refused to move to Texas.  So that made the decision to move to Denver a slam-dunk.  

I spent the summer cleaning up the Lexington house, throwing out 4 15 cu-yd dumpsters full of junk and memories.  I rented a house in the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Denver.  Nice, central location.  The move was an absolute disaster.  We left Boston September 8th and occupied the Denver house October 8.  Lived in a hotel for about a month while waiting for the moving company to ship our stuff.  I started looking for work, half-heartedly,  while living in the hotel in September and October.  Started looking for work in earnest after we occupied the Denver house in October.  

Found out there is a big discrepancy between Boston salaries and Denver salaries.  I think I priced myself out of a number of jobs between October and now.  I finally wound up taking a contract job that runs thru April 30 with a national professional services firm.  A 35% pay cut from what I last made in Boston.  

Going by all things external, I should be feeling pretty good but I don't.  I mean, I sold my Lexington house so I have the down payment for my next house, I have a job for a few months in 2022...  I am hoping if I impress them enough that this will turn into a full-time, permanent gig.  

So the plan last spring seems to be coming together.  I retired, found a new place to go, sold my house, and found a new job out here.  

I guess, when I get right down to it, I'm just plain lonely.  i don't have any friends in Denver.  My daughters are visiting their mother back in MA.  My son is working and going to school at night, so I hardly see him.  Both ex-wives, with whom I am still friends, are back in MA.  

I'm not suicidal or anything like that....  just lost my appetite and I've been going to bed very early (like 5-7pm) lately, just to get through the day.  

I take 90mg Cymbalta every day and I have a shrink here in Denver.  Cymbalta has worked for me for years...  just feeling a little blue around the holidays.  

Not sure what I expect here, but FBGs have been my source for fellowship lately.  Thank God for the Charity Music Draft.... that has helped me get out of myself some.  

TL;DR:  I moved from Boston to Denver, leaving everyone and everything I know behind.  not regretting the move, but I wish I had some friends in my life.  

johnnycakes said:

Hey fellow FBGs....  I'm not normally one to complain or vent but I haven't been feeling especially hot lately.  Let me back up to last May for a minute.  Actually, let me back up before that.  About a year ago in November my Chinesed wife of 12 years announced she wanted a divorce.  I won't go into the nitty gritties, but it came down to different lifestyles.  I still love her enough to let her go if that's what she wants.  Anyhow, we mediated the terms of our divorce over the spring and summer of 2021.  We each have our lawyers who didn't muck up the mediation process, thank God.  We have a hearing for an uncontested divorce next Tuesday, the 28th.  So that's one thing that has been weighing on my mind.  

Next, I had been at my job - the same job - for twenty years last May. My youngest (daughter) graduated high school and opted to go to UC Santa Cruz.  I doubt she'll ever move close to me or her mother again.  She's semi-officially a California girl now.  In any event, I decided I had enough of that job of 20 years as of last November.  The boss begged me to stay on part-time but pull my full-time salary until he could figure out how to transition my work to someone else.  So I was there part-time until the end of May 2021, at which time I officially resigned.  

I grew up in the greater Boston area, but the snow was really starting to get me down.  Just too old to deal with all that shoveling.  I decided I wanted to move somewhere where snow wasn't such an issue.  I did a survey of cities and town across the U.S. trying to figure out where to move to.  Note I have two children - my son and oldest daughter - who were going to move with me.  To make a long story short, it came down to either Austin, TX, or Denver, CO.  While I was afraid Austin might get too hot in the summer, my oldest daughter who was moving with me, announced that women's rights in Texas are equivalent to living under the Taliban and she refused to move to Texas.  So that made the decision to move to Denver a slam-dunk.  

I spent the summer cleaning up the Lexington house, throwing out 4 15 cu-yd dumpsters full of junk and memories.  I rented a house in the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Denver.  Nice, central location.  The move was an absolute disaster.  We left Boston September 8th and occupied the Denver house October 8.  Lived in a hotel for about a month while waiting for the moving company to ship our stuff.  I started looking for work, half-heartedly,  while living in the hotel in September and October.  Started looking for work in earnest after we occupied the Denver house in October.  

Found out there is a big discrepancy between Boston salaries and Denver salaries.  I think I priced myself out of a number of jobs between October and now.  I finally wound up taking a contract job that runs thru April 30 with a national professional services firm.  A 35% pay cut from what I last made in Boston.  

Going by all things external, I should be feeling pretty good but I don't.  I mean, I sold my Lexington house so I have the down payment for my next house, I have a job for a few months in 2022...  I am hoping if I impress them enough that this will turn into a full-time, permanent gig.  

So the plan last spring seems to be coming together.  I retired, found a new place to go, sold my house, and found a new job out here.  

I guess, when I get right down to it, I'm just plain lonely.  i don't have any friends in Denver.  My daughters are visiting their mother back in MA.  My son is working and going to school at night, so I hardly see him.  Both ex-wives, with whom I am still friends, are back in MA.  

I'm not suicidal or anything like that....  just lost my appetite and I've been going to bed very early (like 5-7pm) lately, just to get through the day.  

I take 90mg Cymbalta every day and I have a shrink here in Denver.  Cymbalta has worked for me for years...  just feeling a little blue around the holidays.  

Not sure what I expect here, but FBGs have been my source for fellowship lately.  Thank God for the Charity Music Draft.... that has helped me get out of myself some.  

TL;DR:  I moved from Boston to Denver, leaving everyone and everything I know behind.  not regretting the move, but I wish I had some friends in my life.  

Click to expand...

Hey friend!  I'm not going to be much help and hope others here will have more sage advice.  The holidays can be a tough time of year many, many people.  And 2021 is a tough year, after 2020 was a tough year.  And you've had an especially tough year in terms of transitions.  I mean, new job, move across the country, divorce...did you set all your possessions on fire, too, just to hit the superfecta of stress?    

In seriousness, it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to get through your funk, and you will get through your funk.  I'm excited for the big and positive changes you've made, and you should be proud of your ability to take those steps.  It's scary to break out of "what we know," even if we know that the changes will be best for us.  I think you'll love Denver once you settle in a bit more.  All those sunny days in the winter should be great for your spirits.  Are you an outdoor person at all?    When I moved to the Seattle area, one way I met a lot of people was to get involved in various hiking and climbing groups.  Not only did I meet most of my friends here in that way, but just getting out and challenging myself, exercising, and soaking in the pure air in itself does wonders for my mood.  I think of the Denver area as being a lot like here in that people spend so much time outdoors.  Maybe you ski or snowboard?

Very happy to have had the opportunity to get to know you a bit better in the Charity Music Drafts.  Hope you'll continue to be in some of the music threads and drafts.  It's been a lot of fun!

Like I said, I suck at advice on this, but wanted to let you know you have a lot of iFriends here who care and will be eager to see everything improve for your over the next months.  I feel certain it will. 

krista4 said:

Hey friend!  I'm not going to be much help and hope others here will have more sage advice.  The holidays can be a tough time of year many, many people.  And 2021 is a tough year, after 2020 was a tough year.  And you've had an especially tough year in terms of transitions.  I mean, new job, move across the country, divorce...did you set all your possessions on fire, too, just to hit the superfecta of stress?    

In seriousness, it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to get through your funk, and you will get through your funk.  I'm excited for the big and positive changes you've made, and you should be proud of your ability to take those steps.  It's scary to break out of "what we know," even if we know that the changes will be best for us.  I think you'll love Denver once you settle in a bit more.  All those sunny days in the winter should be great for your spirits.  Are you an outdoor person at all?    When I moved to the Seattle area, one way I met a lot of people was to get involved in various hiking and climbing groups.  Not only did I meet most of my friends here in that way, but just getting out and challenging myself, exercising, and soaking in the pure air in itself does wonders for my mood.  I think of the Denver area as being a lot like here in that people spend so much time outdoors.  Maybe you ski or snowboard?

Very happy to have had the opportunity to get to know you a bit better in the Charity Music Drafts.  Hope you'll continue to be in some of the music threads and drafts.  It's been a lot of fun!

Like I said, I suck at advice on this, but wanted to let you know you have a lot of iFriends here who care and will be eager to see everything improve for your over the next months.  I feel certain it will. 

Click to expand...

Thanks, Krista....  just what I needed...  not so much advice, as empathy.  Depression sucks.  It takes all I can muster to get the smallest of tasks accomplished.  I managed to set up my new HP Laserjet printer this afternoon.  And I'm grilling steaks for dinner for my son and I...  I really wanted to go to bed early once again, but I promised him a nice steak dinner on his school night off.  But you're right.... 2021 was a big year in terms of divorce, leaving my job, and moving to Denver.  

Thanks for being a friend!  

johnnycakes said:

Thanks, Krista....  just what I needed...  not so much advice, as empathy.  Depression sucks.  It takes all I can muster to get the smallest of tasks accomplished.  I managed to set up my new HP Laserjet printer this afternoon.  And I'm grilling steaks for dinner for my son and I...  I really wanted to go to bed early once again, but I promised him a nice steak dinner on his school night off.  But you're right.... 2021 was a big year in terms of divorce, leaving my job, and moving to Denver.  

Thanks for being a friend!  

Click to expand...

I've had those days.  It's especially difficult right now, around the winter solstice, when the days are so short.  Hard to get through those hours of darkness without wanting just to sleep.  Finding something to keep you busy, like the printer or cooking dinner or whatever it might be, is a great strategy!    

johnnycakes said:

Hey fellow FBGs....  I'm not normally one to complain or vent but I haven't been feeling especially hot lately.  Let me back up to last May for a minute.  Actually, let me back up before that.  About a year ago in November my Chinesed wife of 12 years announced she wanted a divorce.  I won't go into the nitty gritties, but it came down to different lifestyles.  I still love her enough to let her go if that's what she wants.  Anyhow, we mediated the terms of our divorce over the spring and summer of 2021.  We each have our lawyers who didn't muck up the mediation process, thank God.  We have a hearing for an uncontested divorce next Tuesday, the 28th.  So that's one thing that has been weighing on my mind.  

Next, I had been at my job - the same job - for twenty years last May. My youngest (daughter) graduated high school and opted to go to UC Santa Cruz.  I doubt she'll ever move close to me or her mother again.  She's semi-officially a California girl now.  In any event, I decided I had enough of that job of 20 years as of last November.  The boss begged me to stay on part-time but pull my full-time salary until he could figure out how to transition my work to someone else.  So I was there part-time until the end of May 2021, at which time I officially resigned.  

I grew up in the greater Boston area, but the snow was really starting to get me down.  Just too old to deal with all that shoveling.  I decided I wanted to move somewhere where snow wasn't such an issue.  I did a survey of cities and town across the U.S. trying to figure out where to move to.  Note I have two children - my son and oldest daughter - who were going to move with me.  To make a long story short, it came down to either Austin, TX, or Denver, CO.  While I was afraid Austin might get too hot in the summer, my oldest daughter who was moving with me, announced that women's rights in Texas are equivalent to living under the Taliban and she refused to move to Texas.  So that made the decision to move to Denver a slam-dunk.  

I spent the summer cleaning up the Lexington house, throwing out 4 15 cu-yd dumpsters full of junk and memories.  I rented a house in the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Denver.  Nice, central location.  The move was an absolute disaster.  We left Boston September 8th and occupied the Denver house October 8.  Lived in a hotel for about a month while waiting for the moving company to ship our stuff.  I started looking for work, half-heartedly,  while living in the hotel in September and October.  Started looking for work in earnest after we occupied the Denver house in October.  

Found out there is a big discrepancy between Boston salaries and Denver salaries.  I think I priced myself out of a number of jobs between October and now.  I finally wound up taking a contract job that runs thru April 30 with a national professional services firm.  A 35% pay cut from what I last made in Boston.  

Going by all things external, I should be feeling pretty good but I don't.  I mean, I sold my Lexington house so I have the down payment for my next house, I have a job for a few months in 2022...  I am hoping if I impress them enough that this will turn into a full-time, permanent gig.  

So the plan last spring seems to be coming together.  I retired, found a new place to go, sold my house, and found a new job out here.  

I guess, when I get right down to it, I'm just plain lonely.  i don't have any friends in Denver.  My daughters are visiting their mother back in MA.  My son is working and going to school at night, so I hardly see him.  Both ex-wives, with whom I am still friends, are back in MA.  

I'm not suicidal or anything like that....  just lost my appetite and I've been going to bed very early (like 5-7pm) lately, just to get through the day.  

I take 90mg Cymbalta every day and I have a shrink here in Denver.  Cymbalta has worked for me for years...  just feeling a little blue around the holidays.  

Not sure what I expect here, but FBGs have been my source for fellowship lately.  Thank God for the Charity Music Draft.... that has helped me get out of myself some.  

TL;DR:  I moved from Boston to Denver, leaving everyone and everything I know behind.  not regretting the move, but I wish I had some friends in my life.  

Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear, gb.  I suffer from anxiety and depression too and did not enjoy being by myself after my divorce in 2017. 

Have you heard of Meetup?  It's a social app where people with all types of interests get together.  My hobbies at the time were tennis and cycling and there were tons of groups in the area to choose from.  What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?

krista4 said:

Hey friend!  I'm not going to be much help and hope others here will have more sage advice.  The holidays can be a tough time of year many, many people.  And 2021 is a tough year, after 2020 was a tough year.  And you've had an especially tough year in terms of transitions.  I mean, new job, move across the country, divorce...did you set all your possessions on fire, too, just to hit the superfecta of stress?    

In seriousness, it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to get through your funk, and you will get through your funk.  I'm excited for the big and positive changes you've made, and you should be proud of your ability to take those steps.  It's scary to break out of "what we know," even if we know that the changes will be best for us.  I think you'll love Denver once you settle in a bit more.  All those sunny days in the winter should be great for your spirits.  Are you an outdoor person at all?    When I moved to the Seattle area, one way I met a lot of people was to get involved in various hiking and climbing groups.  Not only did I meet most of my friends here in that way, but just getting out and challenging myself, exercising, and soaking in the pure air in itself does wonders for my mood.  I think of the Denver area as being a lot like here in that people spend so much time outdoors.  Maybe you ski or snowboard?

Very happy to have had the opportunity to get to know you a bit better in the Charity Music Drafts.  Hope you'll continue to be in some of the music threads and drafts.  It's been a lot of fun!

Like I said, I suck at advice on this, but wanted to let you know you have a lot of iFriends here who care and will be eager to see everything improve for your over the next months.  I feel certain it will. 

Click to expand...

Sorry to hear this. I’ve been through the divorce and depression thing myself. 

I definitely found that what Krista said really helps. Keep finding stuff to keep you busy and take your mind off your feelings of loneliness or whatever else is bothering you.

I forced myself to find new scenes and make new friends. That’s harder to do in a pandemic, but it definitely helped me. The root of much of my post-divorce circle of friends can be traced back to responding to an open invitation on a music forum to a private concert that was happening in my area. So you never know what you might come across. Hang in there. 

Captain Cranks said:

Have you heard of Meetup?  It's a social app where people with all types of interests get together.  My hobbies at the time were tennis and cycling and there were tons of groups in the area to choose from.  What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?

Click to expand...

This is a great suggestion.  I used this in Seattle, too!

johnnycakes said:

I'm not suicidal or anything like that....  just lost my appetite and I've been going to bed very early (like 5-7pm) lately, just to get through the day.  

Click to expand...

Have you been checked for Seasonal Affective Disorder?  We had an online friend who just couldn't handle the winter lack of sun.  It's not like Boston or Denver are known for those sunny winters.  (Unlike here in Houston, where it will be 80 F for Christmas.)

Please keep up with the music drafts.  It's been a chat room/therapy session for years now.  We've discussed pets, health, jobs, and everything else under the sun.  (Also Oxford commas.)  We welcome our Squibble overlords.

Also, if you need to chat, I tend to be up from about 4PM until 4AM.  (Mr R works really odd hours.)  I'm not that good a typist, but I proof-read pretty well.  If you need a phone number, let me know.

I love this place and this thread. For anyone reading who struggle, and we all do at some point, you have ears and eyes of many who can relate, listen, help, be there, talk with you, give a shoulder or even be a companion for a bit. Use us, we care.

johnnycakes i am a dumb schtick guy in the internet and i dont know that anything i can say will amount to a hill of beans but i like having you around here and enjoy your posts so i woke up read how you are feeling and wanted to say that for whatever it is worth i am in your corner and i think i speak for us all when i say that youre a part of this place and community and we are all glad you are  here take care brother and we are all here for you

dutch said:

I love this place and this thread. For anyone reading who struggle, and we all do at some point, you have ears and eyes of many who can relate, listen, help, be there, talk with you, give a shoulder or even be a companion for a bit. Use us, we care.

Click to expand...

Very cool

I know there are times if someone just listens to me for a few minutes it is very helpful. I was in full meltdown a few years ago and got in to see a psychiatrist on an "emergency basis". I still remember I got there and he asked me whats up. I proceeded to have diarrhea of the mouth. When I was done I felt better, he leaned back in his chair and said I just need someone to listen to me. It really was helpful.

* I was also put on meds at this appointment

johnnycakes, I think it's natural to feel overwhelmed by the transitions you have gone through this year, and adding in the pandemic and other challenges we have faced as a nation recently is not easy. I know I have felt a lot more anxiety over the last couple of years. 

I think it's great that you are sharing these bumps in the road. These bumpy roads will smooth back out. You're just feeling a little car sick right now. 

I enjoy your posts, and I like you being around. I noticed in the music drafts that you like the GD, so I'm gonna leave you with this song that always makes me feel better.   For You.   and

simey said:

johnnycakes, I think it's natural to feel overwhelmed by the transitions you have gone through this year, and adding in the pandemic and other challenges we have faced as a nation recently is not easy. I know I have felt a lot more anxiety over the last couple of years. 

I think it's great that you are sharing these bumps in the road. These bumpy roads will smooth back out. Your just feeling a little car sick right now. 

I enjoy your posts, and I like you being around. I noticed in the music drafts that you like the GD, so I'm gonna leave you with this song that always makes me feel better.   For You.   and

Click to expand...

Thanks a lot for being a friend and for posting that soothing Dead tune.  My theme for this week seems to have been closer to this tune, especially the closer to Christmas I get.  

Like I said...  when I look at my situation, I really should be feeling pretty good.  I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I think i'm going to make me a gratitude list...  that should help.  

SWC said:

johnnycakes i am a dumb schtick guy in the internet and i dont know that anything i can say will amount to a hill of beans but i like having you around here and enjoy your posts so i woke up read how you are feeling and wanted to say that for whatever it is worth i am in your corner and i think i speak for us all when i say that youre a part of this place and community and we are all glad you are  here take care brother and we are all here for you

Click to expand...

Thanks SWC... your posts always put a smile on my face.  Especially this one.  

Some good posts in here with some advice for @johnnycakes .   Tough transition, and I don't have a lot more to add exempt to reinforce that this place is a great source to vent, seek help, advice, whatever.     I know we have our moments with each other, but it truly is a great collection of humans poking around these threads.      Keep plugging away one day at a time, and I hope you have a great Christmas.    For assistance, head to your nearest dispensary.   

johnnycakes said:

Thanks, Krista....  just what I needed...  not so much advice, as empathy.  Depression sucks.  It takes all I can muster to get the smallest of tasks accomplished. ...

Click to expand...

People who are self aware tend to suffer more.

There's not much of a way around it. When you have the ability to see what people really are ( they are usually disappointing) and you have found your authentic self, the world can act like an anchor.

Former alcoholics, some find their "Dark Night Of Soul" where the old version of themselves had to die to change. Authenticity is the real blood price of actual change. It makes your pain a moment of self ownership, but also removes the layers of cognitive dissonance that most people use like armor. You soaked in booze, I soaked in savage blood lust, our addictions were not very different.

Get into martial arts. That tends to cure most men in most ways. We were designed to operate in packs, in brotherhoods and to train to fight and to fight. Modern society and Third Wave feminism has robbed men of that natural pathway.  Buy a free standing punching bag and a good pair of boxing gloves. You'll notice a difference very soon.

Out of all the people on these forums after all these years, you and krista4 are the only ones I would actually hire. And I'm extremely picky with personnel. You are actually the best writer in all of these forums. And it's very rare when I meet someone who fundamentally writes better than I do.

You are going to have to pull yourself upwards here for your kids. The easiest way is to understand it's not a choice. And your pain is not the worst kind of pain.

Understand what real pain actually means.  And when you do, the rest of your life and the rest of the world is just accepted grind after that.

REAL PAIN IS LEARNING HOW TO LOVE THE PARTS OF YOURSELF THAT WILL ALWAYS BE BROKEN.

Hang in there, GB

@johnnycakes, I hope you see by all of the responses that you're cared for in these here parts. I know many of these folks personally, and I love them. Don't be afraid to reach out to any of us (note to me: physician, heal thyself).

@johnnycakes Man, I'm actually envious of you- you have a lot of balls. I think it's awesome that you and your wife are able to split amicably and work out everything through mediation. I hope that process goes smoothly on Tuesday. Leaving your job and moving to a new place takes some huge cojones. You have 2 of your kids that are willing to move with you: that speaks volumes to what kind of dad you are. But, like krista said, those are all the major stressors people have over a lifetime, lumped into one big sandwich. It's no wonder you're feeling a little off-kilter.

You had the stones to reshape your life, at a time when you have the resources and the self-knowledge to really find out who you are and what you love. I find those transitional times are when depression and anxiety can hit the hardest. You feel untethered, and don't have your normal routine to calm yourself down. You also have the opportunity to mindfully and purposefully create new patterns in your life. Go out and find a new place: an art museum, a place that plays good live music, a little mom and pop burrito shop, a hiking trail that is filled with beauty and grandeur. Create your new world with all the freedom and intention you can muster. And if you need to sleep- sleep.

I'll leave you with something I always share with people when they tell me they're going thru depression. It's a letter Carl Jung wrote to a friend, and it rings true. Word of advice for the depressed.

I have no doubt you will pass through this episode, your past and your character mandate it. Personally, I appreciate your contribution to this place, brother. And I hope this episode is just uncomfortable enough to melt your lead and refine your gold, but no more.

I'll add my name to the list of people you are more than welcome to pm, if you need to reach out. And that goes for anyone reading this that may be struggling during the holidays.