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GM's thread about nothing (9 Viewers)

How much self pleasuring is too much? Is that even possible?

Also, when did bottled water really become popular? Late 90's?

 
It's coming back to me. I asked them if they were girlfriends or "girlfriends". Mrs SLB began to scold me as they laughed. Then Com101 starts kissing PE. I tell her to not try that with Mrs. SLB and one thing led to another.

 
St. Louis Bob said:
It's coming back to me. I asked them if they were girlfriends or "girlfriends". Mrs SLB began to scold me as they laughed. Then Com101 starts kissing PE. I tell her to not try that with Mrs. SLB and one thing led to another.
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You dirty m'fn liar. Go on... :goodposting:
 
General Malaise said:
Sammy3469 said:
if this is a thread about nothing...does that mean GM's wedding will eventually be nothing? :lmao:
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Not this time, GB. I even went against the advice of my attorney and rejected a pre-nup. This is the one that takes me into old age and eventually into the ground. Of that, I'm certain.
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Congrats GM. Sounds like you found the right one. If you ever get back to Milw to see "The Fonz" statue, we need to get together and toss a few back.
 
Did my first wedding last night as a 'minister'. Word of advice to those folks planning on getting married soon. If the 4 year old ring bearer is typically over-active AND goes bat-crap crazy at the rehearsal there's a solid chance that he's not going to do a very good job on the wedding day.

 
My new girlfriend is starting to open up more.

She told me this weekend, she'll always be with a man, but she gets super turned on by hot chicks.

:thumbup:

 
urbanhack said:
My new girlfriend is starting to open up more. She told me this weekend, she'll always be with a man, but she gets super turned on by hot chicks. :thumbup:
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Wife and I were discussing the Johansson/Bullock kiss from MTV the other night. I told her it would be pretty neat to see her making out with one of her girlfriends. Wife: "I don't have any problem with that. Which one?"Me: "Who cares!?!"
 
Just so i am understanding, SLB.

1. Put kids to sleep

2. 2 magic co-ed fairies magically show up out of nowhere.

3. ???

4. Profit

Same thing usually happens to me when i put my kids to sleep, except in my version my wife is crashed out by 9pm and the rest happens on the innernet.

WTMF?

 
TB > You are really a minister? Are you doing Christian weddings or other (ie you are an Atheist)? Are you pulling the groom aside and telling him it might be better EV to slam his crank in the car door?

Just seems like some epic shtick potential here and I am wondering how you got into this.

 
That Little Voice said:
TB > You are really a minister? Are you doing Christian weddings or other (ie you are an Atheist)? Are you pulling the groom aside and telling him it might be better EV to slam his crank in the car door?Just seems like some epic shtick potential here and I am wondering how you got into this.
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I am an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church. I'll do any kind of wedding short of a full Catholic mass. The one I did Saturday included two prayers partially written by myself. :thumbup:
 
St. Louis Bob said:
Take last night. Mrs. SLB is putting the boys to bed as I'm sitting on the porch listening to the local classic rock station US 97. The cabin is on top of a hill and right off the main road that leads to the area so it isn't all that unusual to have a car go by every now and then. What I was surprised by though was when a car pulled up and was flashing their lights at me. Now the lights are directly in my face and I had to turn my head, the flashing befuddled me though. The car pulls up and to what should my blind wandering eyes did appear but two young blonds, drinking beer. They asked me where cabin 5 was, I introduced myself and they left. Mrs. SLB then comes out, I tell her she missed the blonds and she called me a drunk and a liar. The nerve. I told her I wasn't particularly amusing or funny and she agreed. I was talking about with the blonds though. The boys were out like a light after a long day and I poured another drink and grabbed Mrs. SLB a beer. When I returned, the two blonds were outside talking to Mrs. SLB. See, I wasn't lying this time. I grabbed them a couple of beers and we started talking. They came up to say they were sorry for blinding me. Turns out they are Juniors from Missouri State. A couple more beers and a joint later and the conversation turns to sex. They couldn't believe Mrs. SLB had never hooked up with a girl before. Well, long story short, I didn't need any performance enhancing drugs for the 3 of them.
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You do this better than Tom In Albany.
 
The Wedding Diaries - Day 3 - Sagebrush Booze, Pre-Wedding Blues and Grandmother I’d Like to $&@

The problem with going to bed at 3am hopped up on wine, nicotine and happiness is that morning arrives awfully fast and in this instance, painfully hard. As I struggled to open my eyes, I recalled in an instant that today was the day I was going to meet up with all my groomsmen, grab their tuxes and then hit up a Mexican restaurant called the Sagebrush, where the stories and beers would flow with equal velocity. I had been looking forward to this for months, and so I showered the stench off of the night before, threw on my shorts and flip flops, left my boys with Christina and her family and raced my mini-van back to the ginormous mall to meet up with my pals.

Not wanting to make the same parking mistake I made the day before, I recalled that the Mens Warehouse was right next door to something called "I :wub: Toby Keith Bar and Grill". Now I don't know if this was his idea or his publicists idea or something he found sewn inside the seams of his "Bad Idea Jeans", but what kind of a narcissistic boob names a restaurant/bar after themselves like that? Knowing this exists makes me feel better about taking the Dixie Chicks side years ago when they got into with Toby over the war efforts and the job W was doing running our country. Now, having gotten that out of the way, I noticed while I was leaving my parked car that there were quite a few good looking girls heading into his establishment, so perhaps old Toby is on to something. Each girl I spotted walking in had long blonde hair, cutoff shorts, cowboy boots and tight black tank tops. I filed that into the back of my brain, and made my way into the mall.

The first of my friends to arrive was Fred, who took a red-eye flight from Portland and had just landed a few hours prior. Fred is what some might call a member of the "Lucky Sperm Club". Born into money, blessed with good looks, superb athlete, married the prettiest girl from our college who, like Fred, hails from a wealthy family...it doesn't suck to be Fred. Nor does it suck to be Fred's friend, which I have been since we met in college in Jackson, Miss so many years ago. Like me, he escaped the deep south as fast as possible and now lives just a few minutes away from me. He got his tux fitted, picked it up and we tossed it into his rental car. Since the rest of the guys were a little late in meeting us, I suggested we go see what was shaking at the "I :wub: Toby Keith Bar".

Now I know I've been harping on how big this mall is, but this bar of Toby's is the biggest bar I've seen since I visited Billy Bob's in Ft. Worth, Tx. We walked in and were just blown away at the spaciousness. There was a full sized pick-up truck hanging from one of the walls. There's a green room for bands and just endless space. As it was 11am, we were the only guys in there, but bellied up to the bar all the same and were greeted by a beautiful gal, wearing the same gear I had spotted on my way into the mall earlier - tight jean shorts, tight tank top, cowboy boots and, oh yeah, an enormous rack. I ordered up a large Shiner Bock, which came in a mason jar and Fred ordered up a cranberry and vodka, which our bartender made fun of him for and correctly called his order what it was - a Cosmopolitan. Fred said he needed something other than beer, but I didn't know he grew a ###### on the airplane ride over.

As we were drinking our drinks, my other friends texted to say they were there, so I left Fred at the bar, ran over to the Mens Warehouse and said hello to Dean, Petty and Greg. Where was the best man, Peyton? Well, after waking up at 7am at my in-laws house, disoriented and confused as to where he was, Peyton went back to the hotel and slept for another 8 hours. He had his tux already, so that was fine, but a little bit of a bummer considering I was looking forward to all of us hitting the Sagebrush for beers later. I told the guys to try on their tuxes and then join us at the bar next door to finish our rounds and then head out. I came back to find Fred, who was still chatting our bartender up. I joined into the conversation and just a few seconds into our banter heard her drop the bombshell that she had a granddaughter. A what? Are you kidding me? This woman was 39 years old and had a little granddaughter. I was shocked. If she had told me she had cocaine based breast implants, I would have believed her more. She laughed at our amazement and calmly said she started early and so did her daughter. I guess so. I'm sure she really loved it when I told all my buddies who were trickling in that she was a grandmother, but I just couldn't get over it and neither could they. Grandmothers are supposed to have liver spots and wrinkles and drive Buicks and smell of mentholatum. This lady could win a wet t-shirt contest. Man...

We closed out our tab, loaded up into my mini-van and drove to the Sagebrush Cantina, where we met up with Tiny and my wife's little brother Phil, who my buddies think looks just like a young Soprano. This was everything I had hoped for and more. My buddies took turns roasting me up and down, sharing every damn story where I made a donkey out of myself and giving Tiny and Phil all sorts of goods on the guy who was about to marry into their family. My belly hurt from laughing so hard at the end of lunch, but it was worth it. We threw back a few pitchers, grubbed on some fish tacos and just had a blast. However, back at the in-laws' house, the bride was growing impatient and began to text me this very sentiment. Seems as if my two sons were fighting all morning/afternoon over who got to play what on her parents' Wii. Add to it my parents and sister and her two kids were over there, all asking her a million questions about this that and the other while her man was out enjoying the afternoon with beers and Mexican food and the fellas and, well...She was ready for me to come home. So we settled up, I took my buddies back to their rental cars at the mall and I headed back to the house with my sister's husband Greg in the car with me. And then the phone rang. And it was her and she was just asking where we were and why it was taking so long to get back and I might have told her to get off my back and that I was heading home and at some point, I thought the phone cut out because my cell coverage in that area is spotty at best and, well....I tried to crack a joke to make Greg laugh, only this backfired. Hard. Thinking that the phone call had been lost, I kind of, sort of screamed into the phone "AND WE'RE GOING UP TO WINNIPEG TO BONE SOME HOOKERS!!!!"

Heh heh heh....you know where this is going. She was still on the phone. And while Greg and I were cracking up, I looked down and realized in horror that she was still holding the phone to her ear and was not so happy with me. :unsure: Well, I'm an idiot and if there's one thing in life I'm above average in, it's groveling and saying sorry. Which I did in a major way, as she was in tears when I got to her house. I tried to explain what happened with the phone and that I was just making a joke, that I didn't even have a passport to go into Winnipeg, but she wasn't very happy with me and I certainly understand why. At least when I do something stupid, I go all in.

Anyhow, we made peace, I showered up and we got the boys dressed up for the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal at Addison Oaks went fine if you forget the fact that my buddies were about 20 minutes late showing up, thanks to a third rate GPS system and a bottle of Jim Beam that I spotted in their car. Their tardiness didn't sit too well with the bride, but we got everything done that needed to be done and then we left for the rehearsal dinner at the Rochester Brewery. This turned out to be a lot of fun. Charv and JTC joined us for the festivities, which included several great beers on tap, plenty of wine and a seemingly endless supply of pizza. I gave a toast at one point and unlike my mother, who gave the most awkward toast in the history of toasts at our bridal shower, pulled it off pretty well. In fact, I think I got back into the good graces of the bride with my speech, which is all I wanted to do.

As the dinner wound down, I handed my boys and my keys off to my gal, gathered up all the fellas and handed out my groomsmen gifts. I gave each one $25 in cash plus a few great cigars, and from there, we left to go to Tiny's house for a Texas Hold'em bachelor party. I'd like to tell great tales of legendary stature, but this evening was very tame, which was good considering the wedding was the next day. Tiny turned his garage into the perfect poker room and since the weather was perfect, he had the garage door open to the outside world. At one point, we spotted a football. It didn't take long before we were putting money into a pot to see who could throw the football from the garage on top of the rental car across the street. Nothing like 15 drunk men trying to toss a football onto the roof of a rental car at midnight in a nice, quiet neighborhood. I busted out early from the poker, as did most of my friends. JTC didn't last too much longer, but thankfully he took over as dealer for the game's final players. The last two standing were Tiny and my cousin Blaine, who has been going to college most of his life and just now landed his first real job at age of 36. To his credit, he received his PhD in something hard, but he is also a raving lunatic at times. The raving lunatic came out as the game came down to the wire. Tiny offered to split the pot with him, but he wasn't biting on it. He also thought JTC was short stacking him at one point and kind of made a jerk of himself. In the end, Tiny took him down and walked away with close to $200, which was perfect considering he really went all out to host this thing for me.

As the night came to a close and all my friends and family left, Tiny and I stayed up talking in his kitchen until 2:30am. Finally, his wife came downstairs and told us it was time for bed. She said the next morning that after the 10th "I love you man", she couldn't take it anymore and spared us any further embarrassment. Had Cosjobs been able to come through with the Neil Young singing, ice cream cake bearing stripper, this story would have been one for the ages. As it stands, it was a perfect end to a great day and I wouldn't trade my lot of friends in for any other group in the world.
:thumbup:
 
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:thumbup: :lmao: :lmao:I actually came into this thread while standing in line at Marble Slab - where I got the giggles at the ice cream cakes on display. And instead of posting about said ice cream cake giggles, I let out a good public guffaw at:
General Malaise said:
"AND WE'RE GOING UP TO WINNIPEG TO BONE SOME HOOKERS!!!!"
Click to expand...
 
Solid work, GM.

I ate at the Toby Keef place in Vegas a couple of months ago. Huge food portions and the servers all looked like they came in 5th place in a Daisy Duke look-a-like contest.

Oh and my mom just sent me a pic of my 60-something aunt posing with Flava Flav.

 
Radical Larry said:
Solid work, GM.

I ate at the Toby Keef place in Vegas a couple of months ago. Huge food portions and the servers all looked like they came in 5th place in a Daisy Duke look-a-like contest.

Oh and my mom just sent me a pic of my 60-something aunt posing with Flava Flav.
Click to expand...
I'll take a PM.

 
General Malaise said:
The Wedding Diaries - Day 3 - Sagebrush Booze, Pre-Wedding Blues and Grandmother I’d Like to $&@

...I thought the phone cut out because my cell coverage in that area is spotty at best and, well....I tried to crack a joke to make Greg laugh, only this backfired. Hard. Thinking that the phone call had been lost, I kind of, sort of screamed into the phone "AND WE'RE GOING UP TO WINNIPEG TO BONE SOME HOOKERS!!!!"Heh heh heh....you know where this is going. She was still on the phone. And while Greg and I were cracking up, I looked down and realized in horror that she was still holding the phone to her ear and was not so happy with me. :rolleyes: Well, I'm an idiot and if there's one thing in life I'm above average in, it's groveling and saying sorry. Which I did in a major way, as she was in tears when I got to her house. I tried to explain what happened with the phone and that I was just making a joke, that I didn't even have a passport to go into Winnipeg, but she wasn't very happy with me and I certainly understand why. At least when I do something stupid, I go all in.
Click to expand...
Woah woah woah...back up a second cowboy.Let's see...

GM = bringing all kinds of funny? Check

Future Mrs. GM = awesome sense of humor = Um....

:mellow:

Tomorrow, tell her you got a job with NASA and are leaving for a 6 month mission to the Moon.

Then report back with her gross overreaction.

 
Tecumseh said:
St. Louis Bob said:
It's coming back to me. I asked them if they were girlfriends or "girlfriends". Mrs SLB began to scold me as they laughed. Then Com101 starts kissing PE. I tell her to not try that with Mrs. SLB and one thing led to another.
Click to expand...
You dirty m'fn liar. Go on... :bag:
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Yeah, I was telling the truth up until the two cuties drove away after blinding me.If I just made it with three chicks at once there is no way I would be posting on a message board.

I would be WAY to busy erecting a shrine to my penis

 
SuperJohn96 said:
Woah woah woah...back up a second cowboy.Let's see...GM = bringing all kinds of funny? CheckFuture Mrs. GM = awesome sense of humor = Um....:popcorn:Tomorrow, tell her you got a job with NASA and are leaving for a 6 month mission to the Moon.Then report back with her gross overreaction.
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Yeah I was starting to buy in to GM having found a unicorn, but alas she's like the rest.Its up to strykerpks now.
 
SuperJohn96 said:
General Malaise said:
The Wedding Diaries - Day 3 - Sagebrush Booze, Pre-Wedding Blues and Grandmother I’d Like to $&@

...I thought the phone cut out because my cell coverage in that area is spotty at best and, well....I tried to crack a joke to make Greg laugh, only this backfired. Hard. Thinking that the phone call had been lost, I kind of, sort of screamed into the phone "AND WE'RE GOING UP TO WINNIPEG TO BONE SOME HOOKERS!!!!"Heh heh heh....you know where this is going. She was still on the phone. And while Greg and I were cracking up, I looked down and realized in horror that she was still holding the phone to her ear and was not so happy with me. :goodposting: Well, I'm an idiot and if there's one thing in life I'm above average in, it's groveling and saying sorry. Which I did in a major way, as she was in tears when I got to her house. I tried to explain what happened with the phone and that I was just making a joke, that I didn't even have a passport to go into Winnipeg, but she wasn't very happy with me and I certainly understand why. At least when I do something stupid, I go all in.
Click to expand...
Woah woah woah...back up a second cowboy.Let's see...

GM = bringing all kinds of funny? Check

Future Mrs. GM = awesome sense of humor = Um....

;)

Tomorrow, tell her you got a job with NASA and are leaving for a 6 month mission to the Moon.

Then report back with her gross overreaction.
Click to expand...
Trust me when I say this was not her normal self. I think the pressure of the wedding + my kids fighting all morning/afternoon + my parents hovering asking a million questions + my sister and her wild kids + me drinking beer and having fun + my annoyance at her asking "when I'd be back" brought on the overreaction. Normally, she's calm, cool and collected. We ended the fight quickly and were fine the rest of the way.And if you think I don't know what I'm talking about, rest assured I have 10 years to compare and contrast. I know how good I've got it now. Trust me.

 
General Malaise said:
Trust me when I say this was not her normal self. I think the pressure of the wedding + my kids fighting all morning/afternoon + my parents hovering asking a million questions + my sister and her wild kids + me drinking beer and having fun + my annoyance at her asking "when I'd be back" brought on the overreaction. Normally, she's calm, cool and collected. We ended the fight quickly and were fine the rest of the way.

And if you think I don't know what I'm talking about, rest assured I have 10 years to compare and contrast. I know how good I've got it now. Trust me.
Click to expand...
Are you going to let her get pregnant?
 
Disco Stu said:
General Malaise said:
Trust me when I say this was not her normal self. I think the pressure of the wedding + my kids fighting all morning/afternoon + my parents hovering asking a million questions + my sister and her wild kids + me drinking beer and having fun + my annoyance at her asking "when I'd be back" brought on the overreaction. Normally, she's calm, cool and collected. We ended the fight quickly and were fine the rest of the way.

And if you think I don't know what I'm talking about, rest assured I have 10 years to compare and contrast. I know how good I've got it now. Trust me.
Click to expand...
Are you going to let her get pregnant?
Click to expand...
:lmao:
 
General Malaise said:
SuperJohn96 said:
General Malaise said:
The Wedding Diaries - Day 3 - Sagebrush Booze, Pre-Wedding Blues and Grandmother I’d Like to $&@

...I thought the phone cut out because my cell coverage in that area is spotty at best and, well....I tried to crack a joke to make Greg laugh, only this backfired. Hard. Thinking that the phone call had been lost, I kind of, sort of screamed into the phone "AND WE'RE GOING UP TO WINNIPEG TO BONE SOME HOOKERS!!!!"Heh heh heh....you know where this is going. She was still on the phone. And while Greg and I were cracking up, I looked down and realized in horror that she was still holding the phone to her ear and was not so happy with me. :lol: Well, I'm an idiot and if there's one thing in life I'm above average in, it's groveling and saying sorry. Which I did in a major way, as she was in tears when I got to her house. I tried to explain what happened with the phone and that I was just making a joke, that I didn't even have a passport to go into Winnipeg, but she wasn't very happy with me and I certainly understand why. At least when I do something stupid, I go all in.
Click to expand...
Woah woah woah...back up a second cowboy.Let's see...

GM = bringing all kinds of funny? Check

Future Mrs. GM = awesome sense of humor = Um....

:lmao:

Tomorrow, tell her you got a job with NASA and are leaving for a 6 month mission to the Moon.

Then report back with her gross overreaction.
Click to expand...
Trust me when I say this was not her normal self. I think the pressure of the wedding...
Click to expand...
That's all you had to say. Brides-to-be are some of the most stressed out people on the planet.
 
General Malaise said:
Nor does it suck to be Fred's friend, which I have been since we met in college in Jackson, Miss so many years ago.
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I had no idea you had gone to school down yonder. How did I miss that?In other news, paper towels aren't supposed to cost $4/roll, are they? Since we have a dog and all these damn cats, we usually buy in the Target-type bulk packages. But since Mr. krista4 employed the standard "if you ask me to get three things at the store, I will remember two of them" bit on Sunday, when I stopped to get gas yesterday I picked up a roll at the gas station and was shocked when the guy asked me for $4.30ish. Now I'm treating these things like they're gold: "Are you really going to use that WHOLE paper towel? Why don't we tear that in half?" :lmao:
 
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krista4 said:
In other news, paper towels aren't supposed to cost $4/roll, are they?
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They are when you buy them, individually, at a gas station. This is probably very Captain Obvious of me, but everytime I've needed to buy anything other than gas at a gas station the prices are always more than you'd pay at a supermarket, Costco, etc.
 
That Little Voice said:
SuperJohn96 said:
Woah woah woah...back up a second cowboy.Let's see...GM = bringing all kinds of funny? CheckFuture Mrs. GM = awesome sense of humor = Um....:unsure:Tomorrow, tell her you got a job with NASA and are leaving for a 6 month mission to the Moon.Then report back with her gross overreaction.
Click to expand...
Yeah I was starting to buy in to GM having found a unicorn, but alas she's like the rest.Its up to strykerpks now.
Click to expand...
:scared: :doh:
 
Aloof said:
Radical Larry said:
Homer J Simpson said:
Radical Larry said:
Solid work, GM.

I ate at the Toby Keef place in Vegas a couple of months ago. Huge food portions and the servers all looked like they came in 5th place in a Daisy Duke look-a-like contest.

Oh and my mom just sent me a pic of my 60-something aunt posing with Flava Flav.
Click to expand...
I'll take a PM.
Click to expand...
Facebook down?
Click to expand...
Your page is for some people, assface.
Click to expand...
Language filter down?I'm happy to report that my iPhone suggests the word "dickmitten" to me if I type in "di". I guess I use the word a lot. :rolleyes:

 
krista4 said:
Aloof said:
Radical Larry said:
Homer J Simpson said:
Radical Larry said:
Solid work, GM.

I ate at the Toby Keef place in Vegas a couple of months ago. Huge food portions and the servers all looked like they came in 5th place in a Daisy Duke look-a-like contest.

Oh and my mom just sent me a pic of my 60-something aunt posing with Flava Flav.
Click to expand...
I'll take a PM.
Click to expand...
Facebook down?
Click to expand...
Your page is for some people, assface.
Click to expand...
Language filter down?I'm happy to report that my iPhone suggests the word "dickmitten" to me if I type in "di". I guess I use the word a lot. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
You have a PM. Let's take a gander at it, what say ya?

 
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