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My wife, she's... overweight. (1 Viewer)

I

Invaded?

Footballguy
I'll start this off by saying that I love my wife, and that I don't want anything but for us to live a long and happy life together. She is an amazing wife and mother in almost all respects.

But, she's overweight. And not "just a couple pounds" overweight. We're talking probably at least 60-70 #'s higher than the day we said 'I do'. We've been married over 10 years and it's been about a year since the last kid. She's never been "skinny", and so I don't expect her to be that. But I'm getting to the point where it's really starting to bother me.

It's not that she doesn't know she's overweight. She knows it. She's always struggled with it. She's never been a lazy person, but she does have problems with food. You name the diet programs and she's tried them. Each time it just ends with me being frustrated that she's throwing money away by giving up X number of days/weeks into it, and her being upset at me for "not understanding".

I work full time. She works at home part-time while taking care of the kids (though we have a babysitter/nanny for more hours per day at home than I'd prefer). She's got a lot on her plate and we don't have the time or money to hire her a personal trainer/nutritionist and send her to the gym for an hour a day.

Meanwhile, sex has dropped off considerably over the last few years. Partially due to kids, I'll admit. But nowadays the kids are in bed by 8 or 9 and there's plenty of time that we COULD spend together. I think her weight gain has affected her sex drive considerably, and if she felt better about herself she would be a lot more interested. And I guess her weight gain has affected MY sex drive as well. I really find it amazing how our connection to each other really seems to ebb and flow with our sex life.

I DO know how hard it is for her. She doesn't want to weigh what she does. But right now her will to change is not greater than her will to eat or be healthy. I want her to get back to her old self for the purposes stated above, but I also want her to be around for a while, and she's not at a healthy weight.

She knows I'd prefer her skinnier, but I have NOT told her that it's really been bothering me. It's a delicate conversation and a delicate situation, where "Just tell her to get her fat ### in shape!" is just not the best approach.

I know everyone here has supermodel wives but maybe there's a few average FBG's who have come out on the victorious side of this problem and now have better-than-ever relationships with their wives. What did it take? What did you do?

All responses welcome.

 
Can you do something together? Taking walks, riding bikes? Something you can do together?

Plan some healthy menus together

Good Lucjk

 
One way to really crush her confidence is to tell her that her being overweight bothers you.

Be sneaky, cheat with some hot super model. She'll learn sooner or later.

ETA: In all seriousness, is there a way you could do something together? Maybe you can start cooking to promote healthy meals. Or, start weight watchers online together. If you're not fat, you better get there soon to give you a reason to "do it together."

 
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1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.

 
What's your fitness level like? I have heard some guys report success by getting themselves in better shape and setting a good example for their spouses.

Weight watchers is really good too, if you're committed.

 
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
 
If she is "eating her emotional problems or issues," then maybe therapy is an alternative as well.

 
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'Invaded? said:
She's got a lot on her plate
Click to expand...
You don't say? :P But really, there is no easy way to handle this. For someone to lose weight, they have to want to do it for themselves, not anyone else, and until that day comes, you will likely meet resistance if you say anything, regardless of how delicate you put it. The sad thing is, if you left her tomorrow, she'd then get the motivation to lose 50 lbs, but since things sound relatively comfortable still, she has no reason to do it.
 
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused: Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.

 
'commisholio said:
What's your fitness level like? I have heard some guys report success by getting themselves in better shape and setting a good example for their spouses.
Click to expand...
I know this worked the other way around for my GF and I. She's in pretty damn good shape and I'm not bad but could stand to lose a few. She just started hitting the gym regularly (3-4x a week) and asking me to cook healthier meals. I responded by doing so and getting off my ### as well. End result is we're both in better shape now and it's made us an even happier couple no doubt.
 
'Raiderfan32904 said:
I recommend experimenting and really working different positions in the sack. If she's not flexible enough, then she gets no soup from you. That'll motivate her the most. And it's great exercise, sweat begets even more sweat. Good for her, good for you. Win-Win.
Click to expand...
You aren't married, right?
 
'beavers said:
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused: Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.
Click to expand...
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.

 
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
1.
'Invaded? said:
She knows I'd prefer her skinnier, but I have NOT told her that it's really been bothering me.
Click to expand...
2. He can't find a hour a week to do the grocery shopping? Really? 3. Make the time. They have nanny help. Have the nanny either come an hour early or stay an hour late so they can get out.

 
Are you heavy? Do you workout? Do you eat healthy? You need to set a good example for her. Tell her you'll join a gym or do a workout routine with her. Tell her you'll join weight watchers with her or download myfitnesspal app on your phones and start doing it together. You need to make this a fun activity to do together. Once she starts losing the weight she'll be very happy you suggested this and you'll both feel great :thumbup:

 
'beavers said:
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused:Go to the park, and run after the kids.
Click to expand...
I don't know his schedule, but for my family, it's not that often that we have a meaningful amount of time to do stuff like this on a weekday. By the time everybody's at home from school or work, and we've had dinner, and the kids have done their homework and bathed, etc., it's pretty much time for bed.
 
She knows she is overweight so you do not have to tell her.

Be careful with what you say. She is probably pretty upset with herself. You do not want to light that fuse.

Tell her that you want to improve your health and that you want to make sure that your kids grow up in a healhty house. Tell her that you two need to set the example for the kids by eating right and getting exercise. Exercise together. Exercise with the kids. Ride bikes. Go for walks. Go to the park. Play soccer, basketball, wiffle ball, kick ball,and any game you can think of outdoors.

 
'[icon] said:
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.
Click to expand...
Agreed.
 
'[icon] said:
'beavers said:
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused: Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.
Click to expand...
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.
Click to expand...
I just read something last week that said the first 20 minutes of any type of workout is the most important and where you get the most results. Big fan of 20 to 30 minute workouts. :thumbup:
 
'[icon] said:
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.
Click to expand...
I was responding to the suggestion that the OP go for walks with his wife as exercise.
 
I speak from experience (I lost 45 lbs since Jan 1). Exercise is much less important than caloric intake. Focus on the food first.

 
'badmojo1006 said:
Can you do something together? Taking walks, riding bikes? Something you can do together?Plan some healthy menus togetherGood Lucjk
Click to expand...
We can't really do anything together unless it involves dragging all the kids along (which is getting more and more possible, but we're not there yet). Even then, there's just not a lot of time in the evenings to do stuff like that. We take family walks when we can, but it's not often.I think planning some healthy menus together is probably the best first step I can take to becoming pro-active about this. As my wife has said before, it's hard not only to plan healthy living, but to cook it. Our evenings are just really hectic, and it's hard to always eat healthy. That said, we don't eat terrible as it stands now. There is some processed stuff that we eat (fish sticks now and then for the kids, etc.), but we eat a lot of grilled food (chicken, beef, pork), plenty of green beans/broccoli/other veggies, salads, etc.I think the main problem is she needs to condition herself to eat LESS, and not to cave and eat bad stuff when I'm not around.However, I have tried to play the part of the bad guy before with respect to her diet, and it always turns out poorly.
 
You know that she knows it is a problem - so what good will this conversation do, other than to inflict more emotional damage on a wife that from the sounds of it she is already beating herself up about.

Tell you what. How about this? You just be completely honest with her.

"Honey I love you with all my heart and soul and I could never dream of a future without you - you are the mother of my children and my wife. But I need for you to understand that when I "F" you and the fat slops roll around you like some beached walrus I throw up a little in my mouth. You have to lose some weigh or else I am going to start using pron because I could ever cheat on you and I would NEVER want to divorce you. I know it is difficult for both you and me but your weight has got to go."

 
'Cliff Clavin said:
1.

'Invaded? said:
She knows I'd prefer her skinnier, but I have NOT told her that it's really been bothering me.
Click to expand...
2. He can't find a hour a week to do the grocery shopping? Really? 3. Make the time. They have nanny help. Have the nanny either come an hour early or stay an hour late so they can get out.
Click to expand...
1. Every fat woman already knows it bothers her husband. The problem isn't lack of knowledge.2. Having him go grocery shopping isn't the hard part. He's not her only source of food.

3. Well, he said they didn't have a lot of money so I assumed he didn't want to pay for stuff like this.

 
'commisholio said:
What's your fitness level like? I have heard some guys report success by getting themselves in better shape and setting a good example for their spouses. Weight watchers is really good too, if you're committed.
Click to expand...
Within the past couple years I have been in the best shape of my adult life.I've got a skinny build, and have generally always been in good shape.
 
'[icon] said:
'beavers said:
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused: Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.
Click to expand...
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.
Click to expand...
:no: You must not have any kids, do you? And if you do, imagine trying to run with it solo + house maintenance + work FT + landscaping + cooking + all of the other crap like finances, food shopping, dr appts etc. I am full go from the time I get up until I put her to sleep at 8:30. I am truly exhausted and enjoy the 1-2 hr relax time that I get.

I do however, make time for physical activity. I walk up 30 flights of stairs and down 8 flights every day at work. I also walk with my daughter after work and have cut down my portions and eliminated snacking. So far, I've lost 55 pounds since my highest weight during my pregnancy. I only have 15 more lbs to go to get to my goal weight. You don't need a gym or wake up early to lose weight.

 
'Invaded? said:
I'll start this off by saying that I love my wife, and that I don't want anything but for us to live a long and happy life together. She is an amazing wife and mother in almost all respects.

But, she's overweight. And not "just a couple pounds" overweight. We're talking probably at least 60-70 #'s higher than the day we said 'I do'. We've been married over 10 years and it's been about a year since the last kid. She's never been "skinny", and so I don't expect her to be that. But I'm getting to the point where it's really starting to bother me.

It's not that she doesn't know she's overweight. She knows it. She's always struggled with it. She's never been a lazy person, but she does have problems with food. You name the diet programs and she's tried them. Each time it just ends with me being frustrated that she's throwing money away by giving up X number of days/weeks into it, and her being upset at me for "not understanding".

I work full time. She works at home part-time while taking care of the kids (though we have a babysitter/nanny for more hours per day at home than I'd prefer). She's got a lot on her plate and we don't have the time or money to hire her a personal trainer/nutritionist and send her to the gym for an hour a day.

Meanwhile, sex has dropped off considerably over the last few years. Partially due to kids, I'll admit. But nowadays the kids are in bed by 8 or 9 and there's plenty of time that we COULD spend together. I think her weight gain has affected her sex drive considerably, and if she felt better about herself she would be a lot more interested. And I guess her weight gain has affected MY sex drive as well. I really find it amazing how our connection to each other really seems to ebb and flow with our sex life.

I DO know how hard it is for her. She doesn't want to weigh what she does. But right now her will to change is not greater than her will to eat or be healthy. I want her to get back to her old self for the purposes stated above, but I also want her to be around for a while, and she's not at a healthy weight.

She knows I'd prefer her skinnier, but I have NOT told her that it's really been bothering me. It's a delicate conversation and a delicate situation, where "Just tell her to get her fat ### in shape!" is just not the best approach.

I know everyone here has supermodel wives but maybe there's a few average FBG's who have come out on the victorious side of this problem and now have better-than-ever relationships with their wives. What did it take? What did you do?

All responses welcome.
Click to expand...
We got all kinds of bad going on here....1. That attitude is not going to help you. You must stay out of acting like you know the 1st thing about health...they(females) don't want us(males) dictating what they can eat and such...you need to let an "expert". Did you give birth to the children? Do you fill up with blood and water and can't poop for several days everytime you have a period? No because you're a man and all you need is a bush to pee near...that's how they think of us my friend.

2. Why don't you just say your wife is a lazy no good witch who can't even take care of the kids without an assistant?

3. Are you upset that you can't have sex or are you perturbed that this heavyset woman that you probably think should fall down and perform sex every time she walks by suddenly isn't the slightest bit interested in you?

You all need professional counseling for the sake of these wonderful children. Don't give us money or time, you have health insurance to cover this...you must go get counseling and get you and your wife on the same page, otherwise eventually neither of you will talk to each other, you'll develop a drug habit, and you will end up at the mercy of some cheap prostitute you think is a "friend". Just go get professional help, forget the diet and your wife losing weight, you all have bigger problems here IMO.

 
'Invaded? said:
'badmojo1006 said:
Can you do something together? Taking walks, riding bikes? Something you can do together?Plan some healthy menus togetherGood Lucjk
Click to expand...
We can't really do anything together unless it involves dragging all the kids along (which is getting more and more possible, but we're not there yet). Even then, there's just not a lot of time in the evenings to do stuff like that. We take family walks when we can, but it's not often.I think planning some healthy menus together is probably the best first step I can take to becoming pro-active about this. As my wife has said before, it's hard not only to plan healthy living, but to cook it. Our evenings are just really hectic, and it's hard to always eat healthy. That said, we don't eat terrible as it stands now. There is some processed stuff that we eat (fish sticks now and then for the kids, etc.), but we eat a lot of grilled food (chicken, beef, pork), plenty of green beans/broccoli/other veggies, salads, etc.I think the main problem is she needs to condition herself to eat LESS, and not to cave and eat bad stuff when I'm not around.However, I have tried to play the part of the bad guy before with respect to her diet, and it always turns out poorly.
Click to expand...
myfitnesspal. Trust me. Itll open both your eyes as to how much you are eating.
 
'Bamboo Bill said:
I just read something last week that said the first 20 minutes of any type of workout is the most important and where you get the most results. Big fan of 20 to 30 minute workouts. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
Very much the case. Hell... teach her kettlebell swings and do those 3x a week and you'll see big changes. Do it together in the morning before you leave for work. You're talking about needing 15 minutes... no more no less.

 
'beavers said:
'[icon] said:
'beavers said:
'Wrighteous Ray said:
'Cliff Clavin said:
1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.
Click to expand...
1. She already knows it bothers him.2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.
Click to expand...
You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused: Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.
Click to expand...
The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight. The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.
Click to expand...
:no: You must not have any kids, do you? And if you do, imagine trying to run with it solo + house maintenance + work FT + landscaping + cooking + all of the other crap like finances, food shopping, dr appts etc. I am full go from the time I get up until I put her to sleep at 8:30. I am truly exhausted and enjoy the 1-2 hr relax time that I get.

I do however, make time for physical activity. I walk up 30 flights of stairs and down 8 flights every day at work. I also walk with my daughter after work and have cut down my portions and eliminated snacking. So far, I've lost 55 pounds since my highest weight during my pregnancy. I only have 15 more lbs to go to get to my goal weight. You don't need a gym or wake up early to lose weight.
Click to expand...
Hi Beavers, you make some valid points and I need to lose some weight myself but I gotta side with ICON on this...it's all excuses.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I'll echo what Shady said. Eating is 80% of weight loss. You'd be surprise how much food you can eat with low calories if you just took the time to find recipes and cook the meals. I'd focus on calories in vs calories out. Don't worry about carbs, fat, etc. Set yourselves up with a daily calorie intake around 500 lower than you burn. That's not too dramatic but yet it will let you lose enough weight to keep you motivated. I could set you up to start with at least 5 recipes that taste good, are filling, low in calories, and extremely healthy for you. The most important part is to understand that you have to be dedicated and stick to the new way of eating. No more than one cheat day per week (if you must), and try to stay away from fast food and junk. If you started July 1, you guys could be 25lbs lighter by Christmas. At that point you'd be rolling and who knows how much lower come next summer. Add on exercise when you can. Good luck.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
'shadyridr said:
I speak from experience (I lost 45 lbs since Jan 1). Exercise is much less important than caloric intake. Focus on the food first.
Click to expand...
BINGO! You can exercise all you want but if you eat like **** you aren't going to see the results you want. As was said above, start with the food. And portion control! It's amazing what some people try and pass off as a portion these days.
 
'DocHolliday said:
Tell her that you want to improve your health and that you want to make sure that your kids grow up in a healhty house. Tell her that you two need to set the example for the kids by eating right and getting exercise. Exercise together. Exercise with the kids. Ride bikes. Go for walks. Go to the park. Play soccer, basketball, wiffle ball, kick ball,and any game you can think of outdoors.
Click to expand...
:goodposting: play up the concerned-for-her-health angle
 
Unless you yourself look like Lance Armstrong or Terrell Owens, the first step is that you're going to have to get in a lot better shape yourself.

Cook healthier meals, work out...

she sees you looking top notch and surely that has to be some sort of motivation.

if that doesn't work then with your new lean body you start playing tennis and get a really fit partner for mixed doubles... that ought to motivate her.

if that doesn't work then either the relationship is toast, or keep enjoying the pr0n

 
Working out just isn't the driver that people think it is for losing 40-50 pounds or more. For that last 10-15 is is crucial. It's good to get something started, but really just walking around for 20 minutes is fine.

There are lots of paleo fans on here. For lots of people it can really do the trick.

 
I knew when MOP was replying there would be something..interesting to read

i am not saying something good or bad, but something interesting

 
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