A note to my coworker ... (1 Viewer)

[Sack-Religious]

You: 200 beats per minute. Me: Jesus, for how long?You: An hour

Unpossible.

Seriously. Does this guy have a cubicle with a wheel in the middle of it and cedar chips on the floor?

Given his history, it wouldn't surprise me if his calculations were off. Then again his elliptical could have one of those "pulse monitors" on it, which may not be 100% accurate.Based on what he looked like coming back from the gym and how others in the office said he worked out, it wouldn't surprise me if he was going completely over the top in his workouts.When I told him that he didn't need to exceed 160 bpm for his goals, he looked at me like I was nuts.

 

[Jayrod]

Dear Mr. President/Owner,

I know you are a salesmen first, but you don't have to try and explain to me how "great" the company is doing. I'm the accountant and I know how deep in debt we are. If you really were concerned about your wife and six kids, then you'd stop buying motorcycles with company money and driving rental cars while your company car sits in your driveway.

You should be a millionaire if you had even one shred of business sense, but instead you owe more than the company is worth. And, no, another loan to fix our cashflow crunch isn't the answer. Maybe you could just pay back the hundreds of thousands of dollars you took out of the company for personal expenses to live like you are a millionaire. And yes, you are going to have to work your ### off to fix things. I'm sorry, but owning a company doesn't always mean you get to work just 20 hours a week. Especially when you've ran off all of your best salesmen and pissed off most of our vendors.

If you weren't paying for my school, I'd be looking for another job right now. But since I'd have to pay you back, I'm stuck for another year. Please don't take down the company with any more idiotic deals with no profit margin before I am no longer under your thumb.

Thanks for your time.

Your humble servant,

Jayrod

PS - Try actually showing up to appointments on time, it does wonders for customer and vendor relations.

 

[Jayrod]

Dear Office Manager,

If you ever....I mean EVER complain to me again about your financial situation, I will punch you in the throat. I do payroll and I know that you make more than twice as much as me. You don't have money because you have a shopping problem, not because the economy isn't doing well. When someone knows that you put more in savings each week than their take home pay, they aren't interested in hearing about how you don't seem to have anything left at the end of the month to just "do what you want with".

I hope you get malaria.

Blessings and salutations,

Jayrod

 

[Nathan R. Jessep]

Your humble servant,

Blessings and salutations,

with those salutations, you should consider sending out some of those Nigerian bank scams except for the malaria part

 

[wadegarrett]

Dear B-Cup Butterface:

It's a keyboard, not a ####### HAMMER! I shouldn't have to close my door because you don't know the difference!!!

wg

 

[Sack-Religious]

8 and a half minutes in the microwave!?! Are you effing kidding me?

Is your lunch frozen at absolute zero? Are you cooking a roast of beef or a 12 pound turkey?

Who the hell needs to heat up a lunch, even a frozen lunch for over 8 minutes in the microwave?

I hope your lunch is ruined and you starve all afternoon.

 

[Wild Young Billy]

I love this thread.

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Dear Secretary,

Can I be taken off the distribution list for the Pita Wagon reminders? The first four were fine, but the last one was a little over the edge, if you ask me. Seriously, did you stick a GPS tracker on the truck, so you can monitor its movements and give us up to the second updates?

Respectfully yours,

SM

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Dear HR lady,

Despite the noncommittal, polite nods I gave you, I think "Funny hat day" is a truly horrible idea. You should really watch "Office Space"

With love,

Shooter

 

[adonis]

Dear Coworker,

If you cough continuously for days on end, you are sick. Do not come in my office to work with me and cough in my ear. Do not deal with other people on a daily basis, because you are sick. I, am not sick, yet, and I would prefer to stay that way. Have some common decency and stay away from me until you are no longer coughing like a TB patient. GO HOME, YOU ARE SICK, STOP INFECTING EVERYONE ELSE.

Sincerely,

Adonis

 

[Capn Crunch]

Dear Popcorn Jackass

Next time you choose to nuke your bag of popcorn for ten minutes, please choose a day when it isn't zero freaking degrees outside.

Signed,

The Capn

875 coworkers

The local fire department

and Orville Redenbacher

 

[St. Louis Bob]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change.

Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.

I have had it.

I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.

This is not a drill.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change. Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.I have had it. I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.This is not a drill.

 

[Capn Crunch]

For the love of God...

We are humans, not bowling pins. When you see three of us standing in the kitchenette here at work, with its four foot wide hallway, it is not an excuse to come barrel-assing down the hall towards us like you're a four hundred pound Brunswick Fireball wearing a bra to get to the snack machine so you can shovel yet another bag of Cheetos into that diving bell shaped body of yours, knocking us sideways without so much as an "excuse me."

Thanks.

 

[Sack-Religious]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change. Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.I have had it. I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.This is not a drill.

What makes it even funnier is the typos and grammatical errors show his anger even more. I can totally see St Louis Bob typing this, just seething, hammering away at the keys and hitting "add reply" with steam coming out of his ears, all cartoon-like.

 

[General Malaise]

8 and a half minutes in the microwave!?! Are you effing kidding me?Is your lunch frozen at absolute zero? Are you cooking a roast of beef or a 12 pound turkey?Who the hell needs to heat up a lunch, even a frozen lunch for over 8 minutes in the microwave?I hope your lunch is ruined and you starve all afternoon.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change. Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.I have had it. I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.This is not a drill.

What makes it even funnier is the typos and grammatical errors show his anger even more. I can totally see St Louis Bob typing this, just seething, hammering away at the keys and hitting "add reply" with steam coming out of his ears, all cartoon-like.

Pretty much. You should have seen it before I half-assed edited it.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change. Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.I have had it. I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.This is not a drill.

What makes it even funnier is the typos and grammatical errors show his anger even more. I can totally see St Louis Bob typing this, just seething, hammering away at the keys and hitting "add reply" with steam coming out of his ears, all cartoon-like.

Pretty much. You should have seen it before I half-assed edited it.

You can buy me lunch!

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change. Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.I have had it. I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.This is not a drill.

What makes it even funnier is the typos and grammatical errors show his anger even more. I can totally see St Louis Bob typing this, just seething, hammering away at the keys and hitting "add reply" with steam coming out of his ears, all cartoon-like.

thats totally what I was thinking...great posting...

 

[Cunk]

Hey, guy diagonal across the hall. When I'm talking to someone in my office you may want it to make it a little less obvious that you're listening in on our conversation. Right now I can kind of tell when you turn your chair around and look directly into my office or even stand up in your doorway and gawk. It seems nobody taught you that you're not supposed to do that. It makes me feel weird.

Susan. Ahhh, Susan. If you only knew how much you pissed people off with your anal-ness. Why, when you choose to wash your dishes, do you think you have complete command of that area for 10 minutes. You wear friggin' blue dish gloves to do your 2 dishes!!! Why is it such a big production for you when most of use just go in there and take about 15 seconds to wash out something? It annoyed me yesterday when, for the second time, I had to simply wash out a cup so I could get come water but had to deal with your attitude because I had to use the sink at the same time you were doing your eminent domain of the sink area. "Uh-uh-uh! Those are clean dishes!" Well then put them in the friggin' drying rack you absurd woman! Do you expect me to stand there for 10 minutes waiting for you? Oh, Danielle really appreciated how you were grilling her on why she was printing on letterhead for 15 minutes when her supervisor told her to do so. By the way I'm sure that supervisor also enjoyed you calling her on a day she called in sick to ask her if she did indeed authorize the printing of a -gasp- 25 cent piece of paper!

Here's a hint. If you don't want people throwing paper into the recycling bin, don't put a recycling bin next to the trash!!!!!

Oh my friggin' god. My boss' wife strikes again. Hey, how about reading the emails I send sometimes thrice over telling you something. Sometimes it's the only point in the email. Then you come in here and ask about the progress of that project. My face gets red and I want to punch you about the throat area. Especially when you are asking me about something I busted my ### to get done 2 FRIGGIN WEEKS AGO SO I COULD GO ON VACATION and you didn't even notice. Also I love how you and your husband fight in front of me. It makes me real comfortable!

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!! Also telling me how he brought you home in his Beamer is really impressive!!! BTW, your not in college anymore. That means you're not really in a sorority anymore. Get used to it.

 

[TommyGilmore]

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!!

 

[chet]

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!!

What's a hoodie?

 

[eoMMan]

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!!

I know a guy named Jude.

 

[Statcruncher]

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!!

I know a guy named Jude.

I named my son Jude. I'm still not sure if I should be or .

 

[joffer]

Dear Stinky, Nasty, Obviously-Diseased, Dirtball,

That shiny little lever to the left of the crapper isn't there for decoration..

USE IT!!!!!!

Sincerely,

everyone

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Dear Stinky, Nasty, Obviously-Diseased, Dirtball,

That shiny little lever to the left of the crapper isn't there for decoration..

USE IT!!!!!!

Sincerely,

everyone

 

[Regular Crust Pizza]

Dear Stinky, Nasty, Obviously-Diseased, Dirtball,That shiny little lever to the left of the crapper isn't there for decoration..USE IT!!!!!!Sincerely,everyone

 

[Cunk]

And Jude. You are a hottie indeed but you are becoming less and less attractive as I hear your stories everyday about how you puked and made out with this guy and how you went out on a date with this nice buy but you don't know because HE DOESN'T OWN A FRIGGIN' HOODIE?!!!

What's a hoodie?

A hooded sweatshirt.

 

[Abraham]

Dear everyone around me. You are all nuts.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

So once again, here I am being a nice guy and offer to buy lunch for the office. Oh, your are pissed because you won't be included? Here is an idea, maybe come to work on Friday for a change.

Oh, so the list that of what everyone ordered disappeared? Gee I wonder what happened to it? Now nobody gets a free lunch.

I have had it.

I am going to beat the ever living #### out of you.

This is not a drill.

:( What makes it even funnier is the typos and grammatical errors show his anger even more. I can totally see St Louis Bob typing this, just seething, hammering away at the keys and hitting "add reply" with steam coming out of his ears, all cartoon-like.

Link

 

[ELI2TYREE]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,

No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.

How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?

Signed,

Mr Full Time Father.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?Signed,Mr Full Time Father.

People still ask these kinds of questions? Next time tell her "My wife is dead. Thank you for bringing it up. Now you're going to have to send a bagger over to the booze section and get me one of them giant store-brand bottles of vodka...the kind with the thumb-hook."

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?Signed,Mr Full Time Father.

She is a little embarrassed to come out in public after falling into the door knob a couple of nights ago.

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Dear everyone around me. You are all nuts.

 

[rgabbard]

Absolutely hilarious thread...stopped at page 9...Will return later for more entertainment

 

[joffer]

Dear "Anna",

you're a full-fledged hottie and I'd like to wear your ### as a hat.

wantingly yours,

joffer

 

[FatMax]

Dear Coworker, If you cough continuously for days on end, you are sick. Do not come in my office to work with me and cough in my ear. Do not deal with other people on a daily basis, because you are sick. I, am not sick, yet, and I would prefer to stay that way. Have some common decency and stay away from me until you are no longer coughing like a TB patient. GO HOME, YOU ARE SICK, STOP INFECTING EVERYONE ELSE.Sincerely,Adonis

On a related note ..Dear Owner,If you don't want me to come in when I'm sick, then start paying for sick days. Until then, I will cough and sneeze wherever I want and if the whole office gets infected, I'm not going to feel bad about it.ThxFM

 

[ELI2TYREE]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?Signed,Mr Full Time Father.

People still ask these kinds of questions? Next time tell her "My wife is dead. Thank you for bringing it up. Now you're going to have to send a bagger over to the booze section and get me one of them giant store-brand bottles of vodka...the kind with the thumb-hook."

i might use that...

 

[TommyGilmore]

Dear Dooshbag Co-Worker:

Just because you spent 3 days assisting our service technicians, that does not make you an expert on the installation and service of our products. Please do not speak in a condescending tone to my customers, even if they look like the kind of contemptable white trash that you frequently speak ill of (even though you're not so far removed from that class yourself). You never know when those scruffy-looking customers are actually well-respected architects with million-dollar jobs pending with our company. And to answer your question, yes, I'm pretty sure he knows what a "header" is.

 

[Shutterbug]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,

No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?

Signed,

Mr Full Time Father.

Father of the Year award coming right up.

 

[Jayded]

Dear disgusting guy,

Scratch yourself all you want on your own personal time. When I stop by your desk, do not stick your hand down your pants and scratch in front of me. Now I feel the need to warn coworkers about to be handed stuff from you.

Sincerely,

- Mr. Clean

 

[Clayton Gray]

Dear disgusting guy,Scratch yourself all you want on your own personal time. When I stop by your desk, do not stick your hand down your pants and scratch in front of me. Now I feel the need to warn coworkers about to be handed stuff from you.Sincerely,- Mr. Clean

Ugh.

 

[ELI2TYREE]

Dear Grocery Check out Lady,

No it's not my day off, and I'm not giving "mom" a break today. This is my life until they grow up and I can go back to accomplishing things and actually getting a monetary reward for it.How many freakin times do you have to see me in here with this kid to realize I'm not randomly stealing children and whizzing them around in a shopping cart for fun?

Signed,

Mr Full Time Father.

Father of the Year award coming right up.

the other one is in school when i hit the stores...and send cash not a plaque...

 

[popeye]

Dear older lady who smells like kitty poo and $3.00/gallon perfume,

YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA . . . . Cats!!11!! You're RIGHT!!! Cats ARE fun!

Thanks so much for the past 27 minutes filled with kitten tales and silly sounds. They are SO MUCH

better than the 20+ minutes of cat stories you told us all yesterday. And last weeks' cat stories have now been put to shame.

Look forward to tomorrow and great tales you will have to share.

You're peaches.

Popeye

 

[TommyGilmore]

Dear older lady who smells like kitty poo and $3.00/gallon perfume,

YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA . . . . Cats!!11!! You're RIGHT!!! Cats ARE fun!

Thanks so much for the past 27 minutes filled with kitten tales and silly sounds. They are SO MUCH

better than the 20+ minutes of cat stories you told us all yesterday. And last weeks' cat stories have now been put to shame.

Look forward to tomorrow and great tales you will have to share.

You're peaches.

Popeye

I hope for your sake that she's not aware of this site. :(

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Dear older lady who smells like kitty poo and $3.00/gallon perfume,

YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA . . . . Cats!!11!! You're RIGHT!!! Cats ARE fun!

:(

 

[wadegarrett]

Fellow coffee drinkers,

WOULD IT KILL ANY OF YOU #########S TO CLEAN THE ####### COFFE POT JUST ONCE?!!!!!!! THERE IS A ####### SINK RIGHT NEXT TO IT YOU ########S!!!!!

Love,

wg

 

[ragincajun]

Dear disgusting guy,Scratch yourself all you want on your own personal time. When I stop by your desk, do not stick your hand down your pants and scratch in front of me. Now I feel the need to warn coworkers about to be handed stuff from you.Sincerely,- Mr. Clean

ummm....

 

[Disco Stu]

Dear Boss,"Exceeds expectations" again? How is that possible? Exactly how low are expectations in this organization? I apply myself roughly 5 hours per week. The rest of the time is spent on this message board. I regularly leave work thinking "god, I did nothing productive today", and yet apparently others are happy with the "work" I'm doing. Bizarre.Signed,Once again shuked by the glowing reviews

Again? Really???

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Dear Boss,"Exceeds expectations" again? How is that possible? Exactly how low are expectations in this organization? I apply myself roughly 5 hours per week. The rest of the time is spent on this message board. I regularly leave work thinking "god, I did nothing productive today", and yet apparently others are happy with the "work" I'm doing. Bizarre.Signed,Once again shuked by the glowing reviews

Again? Really???

5 hours of work at full pay? Do you have a job opening?