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Advice for a friend getting married to wrong woman (1 Viewer)

fantasycurse42

fantasycurse42

Footballguy Jr.
Long story short, a buddy got engaged this weekend. The girl is miserable, always with an attitude, kinda feels like you're walking around on egg shells in her presence. None of his friends like her, yet beyond some very minor feedback, nobody has really been vocal about it. We were all hoping it would run its course and he would eventually get tired of her. She is nasty to him, his friends, and everyone around. Supposedly she doesn't have much of a relationship with her family either (not surprising). We suspect she is also a gigantic whore, but there is no proof of this.

Anyways, this will be a gigantic mistake on his part and should be prevented. One person has said he is going to speak up about his real opinion of her. I'm kinda on the fence here as this is something I could see jeopardizing a friendship.

Anyone ever been in a spot like this?

 
I would speak your mind and then let it be. If it destroys the friendship that's on him.

I've been in this situation and it didn't impact the relationship. He's still with the woman and that's his decision. I never brought it up again after that.

 
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It's a tough spot to be in for sure. Having been through a divorce, I would say, though, that if all of my friends had this kind of feeling about my ex from the onset, I'd rather have known it before I married her. This seems like a no-brainer if it's as bad as you say. But maybe an intervention type scenario, instead of a one-on-one, would be a better choice. It would carry more weight that it's a consensus of all of his friends, and not just one. Maybe a "we support you no matter what, but we have a really bad vibe here" type message needs to be sent.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Long story short, a buddy got engaged this weekend. The girl is miserable, always with an attitude, kinda feels like you're walking around on egg shells in her presence. None of his friends like her, yet beyond some very minor feedback, nobody has really been vocal about it. We were all hoping it would run its course and he would eventually get tired of her. She is nasty to him, his friends, and everyone around. Supposedly she doesn't have much of a relationship with her family either (not surprising). We suspect she is also a gigantic whore, but there is no proof of this.

Anyways, this will be a gigantic mistake on his part and should be prevented. One person has said he is going to speak up about his real opinion of her. I'm kinda on the fence here as this is something I could see jeopardizing a friendship.

Anyone ever been in a spot like this?
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Just prove the bolded part...maybe a buddy can do it and then it's a win-win.

 
I've done something similar, but it wasn't as bad of a situation as you're talking about. Basically, 7-8 years ago my best friend was living with a long time girlfriend. He cheated on her with another girl, and 6 months later, he was talking about moving in with this girl. She was a nice girl but very different than the types he used to date. I said to him, "GB I love you like a brother and only want the best for you. I'm only going to bring this up once, and afterwards, you'll never hear me say anything similar again: XX is a nice girl but 6 months ago you were living with another girl who you thought you were eventually going to marry. Are you sure you want to be doing this right now?" He said thanks and he was sure. Fast forward to today and they seem very happy with two great kids.

You need to treat it delicately and definitely don't say even 5% of the #### you say here. Come out guns blazing and his defense mechanism will kick in and it's over.

The big problem is that you're already too late. This disaster is now his fiancee, he's already committed to her, and while he may eventually see the light, you needed to find a way to address this beforehand. Now it's time to be a good friend and support him.

 
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How old is your buddy? Is he "settling" because he doesn't have many other options?

 
Godsbrother said:
Apparently your buddy doesn't think she's the wrong woman. Keep your mouth shut, none of your business who he marries.
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This is correct. I have two friends who I've been in this boat with. Both of them, I've kind of lost touch with because their significant other is horrible. Some of my other friends had talked about saying something and I persuaded them against it. Even if we all hate their choice of a partner (I say this because one of my friends is gay), ultimately it comes down to what they think of that person. Who are we to tell them who they can and cannot love?

I was also once the person who was in a relationship with a devil and all of my friends hated her. But, even if they would have said something, I'm afraid I probably would have chosen her over them in a heartbeat.

Your best bet is to just accept your friend's choice. The only thing that will come from you saying anything is you losing a friend.

 
If she's that toxic, then you've got nothing to lose by speaking up. Because she WILL eventually destroy his will to have friends.

 
If you must try to dissuade him from marrying this girl, do not do it alone, but rather as a group intervention type of thing. Get all your friends together who know him and the girl, and seat all of them in chairs in a circle around the room. Have your doomed friend sit in the middle and listen as everyone goes off as to why they think the girl is a bad choice. Worst case scenario would be the guy decides to elope and never talks to anyone again.

 
Why not just wait until the part of the ceremony where the minister asks "If anyone knows of any reason why these 2 should not get married, speak now or forever hold your peace."? I mean, that's what it's there for right?

 
joffer said:
TheIronSheik said:
Who are we to tell them who they can and cannot love?
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you're not doing that. you're warning him that he's about to marry a whack-job.
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Sure. But if he doesn't think he's marrying a whack-job, that's kind of offensive. If I had just proposed to the woman I loved and my friend pulled me aside and told me he thought she was bad for me, I'm not sure I'd be friends with that guy anymore. That's all I'm saying. You choose your mate based on if they make YOU happy. Not if they make your friends happy.

 
If you really care about your friend, you have to say something. I did something similar, the friend was kind of PO'd at me for a while... eventually she cheats on him and a year later he thanks me for having the gonads to say something.

If you really can't bring yourself to speak up, write him an anonymous letter/email.

You MUST say something.

 
I'd let it go. Odds are slim that he would even listen. Odds are good that he would be pissed off.

How long they been together?

 
TheIronSheik said:
joffer said:
TheIronSheik said:
Who are we to tell them who they can and cannot love?
Click to expand...
you're not doing that. you're warning him that he's about to marry a whack-job.
Click to expand...
Sure. But if he doesn't think he's marrying a whack-job, that's kind of offensive. If I had just proposed to the woman I loved and my friend pulled me aside and told me he thought she was bad for me, I'm not sure I'd be friends with that guy anymore. That's all I'm saying. You choose your mate based on if they make YOU happy. Not if they make your friends happy.
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I'd have no problem with a friend doing it. as long as after he told me once, he dropped it. I'd respect that. if he brought it up every time I saw him, that would be the end of the friendship.

 
My brother married a woman like that. After he got divorced, he learned that his family and friends had always hated her. He said he wished we would have told him. So I told him we all hated the current woman he was dating too, and she was basically the same as his ex. He married her anyway.

He just got divorced again.

 
sublimeone said:
If you really care about your friend, you have to say something. I did something similar, the friend was kind of PO'd at me for a while... eventually she cheats on him and a year later he thanks me for having the gonads to say something.

If you really can't bring yourself to speak up, write him an anonymous letter/email.

You MUST say something.
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Not sure I agree. I was the one getting married. Everyone hated her. Nobody said anything to me. I had to figure it out on my own. Luckily I realized it and broke off the engagement. If someone had said something, I would have been defensive and shut that person out. "Love" will make you do some stupid things. Even disown your family and friends if they don't like your significant other.

 
joffer said:
TheIronSheik said:
joffer said:
TheIronSheik said:
Who are we to tell them who they can and cannot love?
Click to expand...
you're not doing that. you're warning him that he's about to marry a whack-job.
Click to expand...
Sure. But if he doesn't think he's marrying a whack-job, that's kind of offensive. If I had just proposed to the woman I loved and my friend pulled me aside and told me he thought she was bad for me, I'm not sure I'd be friends with that guy anymore. That's all I'm saying. You choose your mate based on if they make YOU happy. Not if they make your friends happy.
Click to expand...
I'd have no problem with a friend doing it. as long as after he told me once, he dropped it. I'd respect that. if he brought it up every time I saw him, that would be the end of the friendship.
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Fair enough. I can see that for some people. I'm thinking that, for me anyway, I'd still be bothered by it. I'd feel like I couldn't have them around each other.

 
johnnycakes said:
If you must try to dissuade him from marrying this girl, do not do it alone, but rather as a group intervention type of thing. Get all your friends together who know him and the girl, and seat all of them in chairs in a circle around the room. Have your doomed friend sit in the middle and listen as everyone goes off as to why they think the girl is a bad choice. Worst case scenario would be the guy decides to elope and never talks to anyone again.
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I thought for sure you would say he should go to China to find a woman. You're slipping. :)

 
this all assumes you can do it respectfully and tactfully. Not "DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD this chick is a #### and a ##### and she's probably ####ing anything with a pulse!!!!!11111"

 
I would think if he is truly a friend, and thinks of you the same way, he'd appreciate your effort either way, so long as you did it tactfully. If he totally goes off on you, then I would guess he wasn't as good of a friend as you believed. The phrase "what are friends for?" comes to mind.

 
Say whatever you want, he most likely won't listen, as mentioned above love makes people do stupid ####. Just make sure to be there as a friend in 3-7 years when he is getting divorced. This is one of those life lessons that can only be learned through experience.

 
A little more context here with some recent stories. She is prob a 7, they've been together since last summer, he is not desperate, 31 and does well in work/life... All around good dude.

We were out to dinner, there were 8 of us (4 couples), she was at the opposite end of the table as my wife and I... I suggested we just order a bunch of appetizers and share those and we can all do our own thing for entrees, everyone at the table agreed this was a good idea. I mentioned a bunch of them and it appeared we were all in agreement. Waiter comes over and I grab his attention first and let him know we will be sharing a bunch of appetizers, I list off a bunch with a nice mix of fish, meat, and salad. She instantly chimes in and says she isn't interested in any of this. I tell the waiter to give us a few minutes. I asked why she didn't mention this while we were all discussing moments earlier, she said I was looking at my phone, talking to Paul (now fiancee), and only wanted a salad (which BTW we were ordering anyways, but she wanted a different salad). I said fine we can make the switch, but she insists she wants her own. Fine whatever, order your own salad, which she does. Fast forward to the bill, as a group we will typically split these things, not going to sit there and say you owe $220, you owe $205, you owe xyz. My buddy knows this and was paying, but she makes a huge stink about why we are all paying the same thing. You drank 5 drinks, she drank 4 drinks, he drank 4 drinks, etc. etc. etc. We'll only pay x bc we only had 3 drinks between the two of us. My friend looked like he was in pain and then leaves what she says. Love how she makes this argument even though he was ####### paying! They leave before any of us and the rest of us discuss what a ##### she is. She might have said 20 words the entire meal to anyone besides her fiancee and just looked angry the whole meal. I have met her on multiple occasions before this, but this was my wife's first time, she left uninspired as did the other wimmins who were meeting her for the first time.

March Madness we all went to his apartment (just guys, about 7 in total) to watch a basketball game. We were drinking beers and getting a little rowdy. He has a 1 bedroom apt (big 1BR for NY, but small just about anywhere else in the country, prob 900-1000 Sq Ft). She was in the BR and we were all hanging in the LR. 30-45 minutes after we had gotten there, she storms out of the BR flipping out. You guys are making a ####### mess and way too much noise, try acting a little more like adults! She then goes back to the BR... HFS blank stares on everyones face, he apologizes and explains she is under some stress. Okay then, tell her to go the #### home, this isn't her apt!! We all left except him, #### her!

Every time we try to give her a chance we end up in one of these situations like above. IDK what the #### he sees in her, getting :hot: just thinking about all the #### she does. I agree with some others that it might not be my place to speak up, but also if he really is a good friend, it might be my place to try and help him, even if it does ruin our friendship. One person has already said he is going to say something, he expects others to step up, but he is going at it with or without us. I kinda want to let him bite the bullet here :shrug:

 
fantasycurse42 said:
A little more context here with some recent stories. She is prob a 7, they've been together since last summer, he is not desperate, 31 and does well in work/life... All around good dude.

We were out to dinner, there were 8 of us (4 couples), she was at the opposite end of the table as my wife and I... I suggested we just order a bunch of appetizers and share those and we can all do our own thing for entrees, everyone at the table agreed this was a good idea. I mentioned a bunch of them and it appeared we were all in agreement. Waiter comes over and I grab his attention first and let him know we will be sharing a bunch of appetizers, I list off a bunch with a nice mix of fish, meat, and salad. She instantly chimes in and says she isn't interested in any of this. I tell the waiter to give us a few minutes. I asked why she didn't mention this while we were all discussing moments earlier, she said I was looking at my phone, talking to Paul (now fiancee), and only wanted a salad (which BTW we were ordering anyways, but she wanted a different salad). I said fine we can make the switch, but she insists she wants her own. Fine whatever, order your own salad, which she does. Fast forward to the bill, as a group we will typically split these things, not going to sit there and say you owe $220, you owe $205, you owe xyz. My buddy knows this and was paying, but she makes a huge stink about why we are all paying the same thing. You drank 5 drinks, she drank 4 drinks, he drank 4 drinks, etc. etc. etc. We'll only pay x bc we only had 3 drinks between the two of us. My friend looked like he was in pain and then leaves what she says. Love how she makes this argument even though he was ####### paying! They leave before any of us and the rest of us discuss what a ##### she is. She might have said 20 words the entire meal to anyone besides her fiancee and just looked angry the whole meal. I have met her on multiple occasions before this, but this was my wife's first time, she left uninspired as did the other wimmins who were meeting her for the first time.

March Madness we all went to his apartment (just guys, about 7 in total) to watch a basketball game. We were drinking beers and getting a little rowdy. He has a 1 bedroom apt (big 1BR for NY, but small just about anywhere else in the country, prob 900-1000 Sq Ft). She was in the BR and we were all hanging in the LR. 30-45 minutes after we had gotten there, she storms out of the BR flipping out. You guys are making a ####### mess and way too much noise, try acting a little more like adults! She then goes back to the BR... HFS blank stares on everyones face, he apologizes and explains she is under some stress. Okay then, tell her to go the #### home, this isn't her apt!! We all left except him, #### her!

Every time we try to give her a chance we end up in one of these situations like above. IDK what the #### he sees in her, getting :hot: just thinking about all the #### she does. I agree with some others that it might not be my place to speak up, but also if he really is a good friend, it might be my place to try and help him, even if it does ruin our friendship. One person has already said he is going to say something, he expects others to step up, but he is going at it with or without us. I kinda want to let him bite the bullet here :shrug:
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my good friend, now divorced, married a chick like this.

glll pease

 
Tell him you saw her naked online?

Maybe photoshop her face on some skanky pic and post an escort ad with it. Show ad to friend. Profit.

 
Had this happen to a friend. He had been engaged previously and first in the group, but they called it off. Another guy got engaged, and my friend helped set up a bunch of stuff for the proposal. I guess he got sappy, because 2 weeks later, he called me saying, "save the date." His gf/fiancee/future wife was a witch whore and bipolar psychopath all wrapped into one, and even he knew it.

I wanted to say something and didn't. I don't think it would have helped, knowing what I know now. They got married, had two kids, one of which I don't think is even my friend's. He's now raising both kids on his own, while waiting on a divorce to be finalized, but now he's dating a 21 year old runway model who seems like a cool chick. When I say nothing I could have said would've worked, even after hating her as much as he did, it took finding her in the throws of sex at some drug dealer's house before he finally knew he was done with her (while they were still trying to work things out, supposedly).

If you don't say something, you may regret it as I used to, and you may never get clarification whether or not you were right not to. I got that clarification and now my relationship is starting to improve with my friend. If I had said something or been more up front about how I felt, our relationship may have been even more strained. It already got strained when after many years of trying, I just stopped coming around as much, and he knew it was because of her.

tl;dr: my advice would be not to say a damn thing about it other than to be "that friend" who continuously suggests anyone his age or in his position in life shouldn't get married, and not anything specifically directed at her.

 
Take the cowards way out and create an email account and lay it out there. Less on specifics so he doesn't trace it back to you. Talk from a group point of view so he knows it isn't just one person.

 
jplvr said:
Had this happen to a friend. He had been engaged previously and first in the group, but they called it off. Another guy got engaged, and my friend helped set up a bunch of stuff for the proposal. I guess he got sappy, because 2 weeks later, he called me saying, "save the date." His gf/fiancee/future wife was a witch whore and bipolar psychopath all wrapped into one, and even he knew it.

I wanted to say something and didn't. I don't think it would have helped, knowing what I know now. They got married, had two kids, one of which I don't think is even my friend's. He's now raising both kids on his own, while waiting on a divorce to be finalized, but now he's dating a 21 year old runway model who seems like a cool chick. When I say nothing I could have said would've worked, even after hating her as much as he did, it took finding her in the throws of sex at some drug dealer's house before he finally knew he was done with her (while they were still trying to work things out, supposedly).

If you don't say something, you may regret it as I used to, and you may never get clarification whether or not you were right not to. I got that clarification and now my relationship is starting to improve with my friend. If I had said something or been more up front about how I felt, our relationship may have been even more strained. It already got strained when after many years of trying, I just stopped coming around as much, and he knew it was because of her.

tl;dr: my advice would be not to say a damn thing about it other than to be "that friend" who continuously suggests anyone his age or in his position in life shouldn't get married, and not anything specifically directed at her.
Click to expand...
No way, Bear is dating a runway model now? Good for that beast...

 
avoiding injuries said:
Take the cowards way out and create an email account and lay it out there. Less on specifics so he doesn't trace it back to you. Talk from a group point of view so he knows it isn't just one person.
Click to expand...
Good plan. This way he'll hate all of you and come around even less.

 
TheIronSheik said:
Godsbrother said:
Apparently your buddy doesn't think she's the wrong woman. Keep your mouth shut, none of your business who he marries.
Click to expand...
This is correct. I have two friends who I've been in this boat with. Both of them, I've kind of lost touch with because their significant other is horrible. Some of my other friends had talked about saying something and I persuaded them against it. Even if we all hate their choice of a partner (I say this because one of my friends is gay), ultimately it comes down to what they think of that person. Who are we to tell them who they can and cannot love?

I was also once the person who was in a relationship with a devil and all of my friends hated her. But, even if they would have said something, I'm afraid I probably would have chosen her over them in a heartbeat.

Your best bet is to just accept your friend's choice. The only thing that will come from you saying anything is you losing a friend.
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Didn't you lose your friends who you didn't tell anyway?

 
fantasycurse42 said:
A little more context here with some recent stories. She is prob a 7, they've been together since last summer, he is not desperate, 31 and does well in work/life... All around good dude.
Click to expand...
Sounds like the same girl.

One weekend my friend and I were building a privacy fence for our other best friend. He brought the ##### along to meet the other fiancee. The ##### had it in her mind the girls were going to go shopping all weekend and flipped her #### when the other one suggested they stick around the house and help out (water, lunch/dinner, etc.). The relationship between those two couples were forever strained because of this one 48-72 hour period.

I say she was bipoloar because we could be having a nice, normal day on the water or around the house, his or mine, and out of no where she would just start flipping out on him. I could be having the nicest conversation with her on their back deck, getting high or drunk, and she'd walk in the house, seemingly to use the bathroom or some crap, and before she could even close the door to the house, I would hear her yelling about some meaningless BS which would ruin the entire day. Can't recall specific events because it happened so much, and all the stories would just run together.

 
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