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Advice for a friend getting married to wrong woman (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter fantasycurse42
- Start date
Chemical X
Footballguy
start hiding his money
RhymesMcJuice
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
RUSF18
Footballguy
Pretty ####ty thing to do, to turn what you've pitched as "celebrating" into basically crushing his world. If you or Mike or whoever is going to do this, man up and tell him you need to talk about something important.
fantasycurse42
Footballguy Jr.
I'm not getting involved at this juncture. The groom (Paul), invited people out for a few drinks, two people are going and one of them is going to speak up. The guy speaking up is a sharp dude and I expect he'll go about this smoothly.
ClownCausedChaos2
Footballguy
Idiot.
Otis
Footballguy
While you're at it, why don't you inform your other friends that their wives are fat hags, their kids are ugly, their jobs are miserable and underpaying, and that they ultimately will die and be buried in the dirt and be eaten by worms.
That or you can just let us all try and enjoy our lives as best we can. Your call.
That or you can just let us all try and enjoy our lives as best we can. Your call.
johnnycakes
Footballguy
joffer
Footballguy
pats3in4
Footballguy
T Bell
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
Hot Diggity Dog
Footballguy
If you feel really strong about it, you gotta say something if he is a good friend.
You should be able to say it in a nice enough way he doesn't hate you.
You should be able to say it in a nice enough way he doesn't hate you.
DocHolliday
Footballguy
A good friend tries to help out a friend. If this woman is that terrible, you speak up. You do it as nicely as possible. You tell him that you are only warning him as a friend and will support him no matter what happens. You then drop it.
I went through this with my best friend when we were 20 years old. I told him that he was too young to get married, is getting too soon after meeting the woman ( 9 months) and that she did not treat him all that well. My friend said that he appreciated my concern but that he knew what he was doing. We are still good friends to this day. Real friends do not get mad when they are told they are making poor decisions or that they should think about what they are doing.
The marriage lasted 2 years.
It sucks to watch friends make poor decisions but we all make mistakes. You do what you can but cannot be an a$$ about it.
I went through this with my best friend when we were 20 years old. I told him that he was too young to get married, is getting too soon after meeting the woman ( 9 months) and that she did not treat him all that well. My friend said that he appreciated my concern but that he knew what he was doing. We are still good friends to this day. Real friends do not get mad when they are told they are making poor decisions or that they should think about what they are doing.
The marriage lasted 2 years.
It sucks to watch friends make poor decisions but we all make mistakes. You do what you can but cannot be an a$$ about it.
lombardi
Footballguy
I've actually been in this situation a couple of times. My wife and I talk about how sometimes a guy just can't recognize a girl with the "crazy eye" even though every single person they know and love can see it a mile away. It amazes me every time.
My advice is this. If the woman truly has the "crazy eye" then you've already lost your friend. Things will never be the same and 95% of the time will only get worse. You'll either see his empty husk a couple times a year or lose touch completely. And all he'll ever do after a couple years of marriage is complain about how horrible his wife is and constantly be worried about getting home or getting in trouble. You've already lost him so you may as well take the chance of trying to save him before it's too late.
I was the best man at a friend's wedding. I tried talking to him a couple times but in the end we have a now or never discussion in the parking lot before walking into the wedding hall. I basically told him I love you bro but you're making the worst mistake of your life. If you want to go through with this I'll stand beside you and support you and I'll never mention this again. But before it's too late I can't in good conscience stand next to you and allow you to do this without saying my piece. I didn't call her any names or degrade her, but I pointed out the craziest of the things she had done, how she treated his friends and family, and also pointed out the fact that he was miserable with her. Then I offered to have my wife drive him right form that spot to his house to pack and then to the airport where we would fly him back to our house and he could hang with us for a few weeks while the storm blew over. I would go inside, let everyone down gently, and take the brunt of the storm. My wife and I begged him to get in the car and run.
He thanked me, told me I was right about everything I said, but then said he made a commitment to her and his family and he couldn't let everyone down. He made a final decision and he thanked me for my honestly, we hugged and walked inside to marry the woman of his nightmares.
They were separated before 30 days were up. His father in law told him she was cheating on him with an old boyfriend a couple weeks in. She cast him off like a piece of garbage. A couple months later she was living with another woman.. He was pretty crushed, for a long time. However, we remained great friends.
Many years later he found the RIGHT woman and is happily married, has a great family. We don't live near each other anymore but still get together whenever we can and talk regularly, still the best of friends.
Take the chance, be honest. Don't call her names and be emotional, point out some of the facts. Tell your friend you'll be his friend either way but you just want what's best for him. He already knows. He is just resigned to it. But most likely he'll appreciate your honestly and concern. Of course if they stay together he'll eventually tell her and she'll hate you and may try to kill you. But that's the risk you have to take
My advice is this. If the woman truly has the "crazy eye" then you've already lost your friend. Things will never be the same and 95% of the time will only get worse. You'll either see his empty husk a couple times a year or lose touch completely. And all he'll ever do after a couple years of marriage is complain about how horrible his wife is and constantly be worried about getting home or getting in trouble. You've already lost him so you may as well take the chance of trying to save him before it's too late.
I was the best man at a friend's wedding. I tried talking to him a couple times but in the end we have a now or never discussion in the parking lot before walking into the wedding hall. I basically told him I love you bro but you're making the worst mistake of your life. If you want to go through with this I'll stand beside you and support you and I'll never mention this again. But before it's too late I can't in good conscience stand next to you and allow you to do this without saying my piece. I didn't call her any names or degrade her, but I pointed out the craziest of the things she had done, how she treated his friends and family, and also pointed out the fact that he was miserable with her. Then I offered to have my wife drive him right form that spot to his house to pack and then to the airport where we would fly him back to our house and he could hang with us for a few weeks while the storm blew over. I would go inside, let everyone down gently, and take the brunt of the storm. My wife and I begged him to get in the car and run.
He thanked me, told me I was right about everything I said, but then said he made a commitment to her and his family and he couldn't let everyone down. He made a final decision and he thanked me for my honestly, we hugged and walked inside to marry the woman of his nightmares.
They were separated before 30 days were up. His father in law told him she was cheating on him with an old boyfriend a couple weeks in. She cast him off like a piece of garbage. A couple months later she was living with another woman.. He was pretty crushed, for a long time. However, we remained great friends.
Many years later he found the RIGHT woman and is happily married, has a great family. We don't live near each other anymore but still get together whenever we can and talk regularly, still the best of friends.
Take the chance, be honest. Don't call her names and be emotional, point out some of the facts. Tell your friend you'll be his friend either way but you just want what's best for him. He already knows. He is just resigned to it. But most likely he'll appreciate your honestly and concern. Of course if they stay together he'll eventually tell her and she'll hate you and may try to kill you. But that's the risk you have to take
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Harris
Footballguy
Maybe try to talk to him not to talk him out of it specifically, but to just sit down with him and ask him some questions to open up about why he's with her.
Best thing you can do is talk to him and ask the right questions so he has he chance to figure it out on his own and have the lightbulb go off without you turning it on.
Best thing you can do is talk to him and ask the right questions so he has he chance to figure it out on his own and have the lightbulb go off without you turning it on.
Hot Diggity Dog
Footballguy
soothsayer
Footballguy
A while back I was the best man at my (then) best friend's wedding. His fiance was full of the crazy and we all (his buddies) let it slide. We talked about it amongst ourselves, of course, but ultimately decided it was his decision so we let it go. But on his wedding day, I have to tell you, I was a wreck inside. I felt so strongly that he was making a huge mistake and desperately wanted to talk to him about it, but like many in this thread, decided it was his choice to make and who was I to tell him otherwise...
Fast forward just a few years to the end of this story. She physically abused him (hit him) over the course of a few years, he completely withdrew from all his friends and tried to kill himself. We didn't know about the abuse until after the fact, of course. Is it my (our) fault? Of course not. Would he have walked away from her if we had an intervention pre-wedding? Doubtful. Should we have tried? It's easy to say that we should have but that's simply the easy answer in hindsight.
I haven't talk to him in years. I can't help but wonder if he has resentment towards his friends for not helping him avoid marrying the psycho beast. It's not likely of course, but it's one of those things that haunts me a bit.
Fast forward just a few years to the end of this story. She physically abused him (hit him) over the course of a few years, he completely withdrew from all his friends and tried to kill himself. We didn't know about the abuse until after the fact, of course. Is it my (our) fault? Of course not. Would he have walked away from her if we had an intervention pre-wedding? Doubtful. Should we have tried? It's easy to say that we should have but that's simply the easy answer in hindsight.
I haven't talk to him in years. I can't help but wonder if he has resentment towards his friends for not helping him avoid marrying the psycho beast. It's not likely of course, but it's one of those things that haunts me a bit.
chet
Footballguy
A good friend of mine's first wife committed suicide after she developed a personality disorder several years after they got married. When she was lucid, she was great.
He rebounded quickly and married one of the first women he dated. She's a complete narcissist and does her best to manipulate situations and alienate his friends. No one ever said anything because of his situation and personality. He is 100% committed to making this marriage work and would never admit something was wrong.
He rebounded quickly and married one of the first women he dated. She's a complete narcissist and does her best to manipulate situations and alienate his friends. No one ever said anything because of his situation and personality. He is 100% committed to making this marriage work and would never admit something was wrong.
dhockster
Footballguy
I agree with those saying talk to him.
Before pointing out her issues though, make sure to ask him about the things he likes/loves about her. Maybe you are missing something here. Maybe there is something redeeming about her that you had not considered. He is a guy, so you should be able to tell if he is just BS'ing you to make their relationship sound great. If there is nothing there of substance, then you can start pointing out some of the things you have problems with about her. Sometimes women change, but I would say that 95% of them will remain exactly what they are when you met them.
If you are a friend, you have to say something, just to make sure he has the full perspective. If he doesn't listen, then you have to support him in any way you can, especially if things eventually fall apart. No "I told you so's" just "I got your back".
Before pointing out her issues though, make sure to ask him about the things he likes/loves about her. Maybe you are missing something here. Maybe there is something redeeming about her that you had not considered. He is a guy, so you should be able to tell if he is just BS'ing you to make their relationship sound great. If there is nothing there of substance, then you can start pointing out some of the things you have problems with about her. Sometimes women change, but I would say that 95% of them will remain exactly what they are when you met them.
If you are a friend, you have to say something, just to make sure he has the full perspective. If he doesn't listen, then you have to support him in any way you can, especially if things eventually fall apart. No "I told you so's" just "I got your back".
pats3in4
Footballguy
This can be tough, though, if the fiancee does suffer some type of personality disorder. People who suffer personality disorders will cycle their significant others with periods of idealization to go along with the periods of devaluation. The idealization can be great. So asking someone who's partnered with a PD sufferer "What do you love about her?" will likely get a response about how much she idealizes him, all the things she does when she puts him on a pedestal. Unfortunately, the idealization is mistaken as true love.dhockster said:
dhockster
Footballguy
Fair enough. I am not a psychiatrist. I would want to ask the question to basically see if he has nothing to say. Basically that he has gotten into a bad relationship, is trapped, and doesn't feel he can get out of it because it has
gone too far and he is afraid of disappointing everyone (especially crazy fiancee).
tri-man 47
Footballguy
Talk it through with him ...don't tell him what you've got it figured out for him.
ChiefD
Footballguy
Sweet J
Footballguy
Before I got married, two of my best friends (independantly of each other, one was an undergrad friend and one was a law school friend) took me aside and told me why they thought marrying my wife was a horrible idea. I listened, and I appreciated what they were saying (and told them that). But I also told them that I was going through with it and the reasons why I thought it would work out ok in the end. Both of my friends told me: "Look man, I don't think you should do it, but if you insist on it, I love you and will support you 100%."
I've never forgotten what each of them did for me, and the courage it took. And I still value their friendship.
So, while I doubt that you will be successful, if you handle it the right way, it doesn't have to kill your friendship. That being said, "we all think she's a major b@#tch" probably doesn't cut it for reasons why not to get married.
I've never forgotten what each of them did for me, and the courage it took. And I still value their friendship.
So, while I doubt that you will be successful, if you handle it the right way, it doesn't have to kill your friendship. That being said, "we all think she's a major b@#tch" probably doesn't cut it for reasons why not to get married.
HERBERT THE HIPPO
REAL Ultimate Power
I got nothing.............
parasaurolophus
Footballguy
I have one friend I trust enough that if he pulled me aside and told me this, I would have to seriously weigh what he was saying and I imagine he would be precise enough it could actually sway me. At the very least it would cause me to delay. He is just one of those guys that doesn't say much, but when he does you listen.
Anybody else, and I would probably tell them to mind their own business and wonder how on earth they would think they know better than me.
Anybody else, and I would probably tell them to mind their own business and wonder how on earth they would think they know better than me.
Apes with Guns
Footballguy
I have some advice. Remember...you could be wrong.
A buddy of mine married the first girl he ever slept with. She was loud. She was mean. She was possessive. We were all convinced she would divorce him someday when something better came along.
30 years later, they are still together. They have three wonderful kids. They are great together, and "we" were so very wrong. I've since apologized to her, but I know it affected my relationship with my buddy.
A buddy of mine married the first girl he ever slept with. She was loud. She was mean. She was possessive. We were all convinced she would divorce him someday when something better came along.
30 years later, they are still together. They have three wonderful kids. They are great together, and "we" were so very wrong. I've since apologized to her, but I know it affected my relationship with my buddy.
pats3in4
Footballguy
Maybe you were wrong. Or maybe she grew up. Maybe they had some rough spots that made her self-examine and resolve to change for the better.
But in any case I don't think anyone would argue that it's easy to have this conversation. It's a tough one to have. There indeed can be consequences as you found out.
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Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
I'd say something. But NEVER, EVER send an anonymous anything. It's just cowardly. If you mean it enough to say it, then own it.
I think it might come down to how good a friend this is.
-fish-
Footballguy
T Bell
Footballguy
What did your friends tell you and how well did that match up with your post-mortem opinion of her?
Johnny Rock
Footballguy
Call him. Life is short. Maybe he needs a friend right now (see the Depression Thread).
Hot Diggity Dog
Footballguy
Sleep with the girlfriend's mom.
Hot Diggity Dog
Footballguy
Would be a great thing to do. High school friend committed suicide after we graduated, two years later. I was away at college so I didn'tsee any signs but think about it when I drive by his parents old house. Just a sad situation,.
fantasycurse42
Footballguy Jr.
Nothing new to report... The groom and two friends had a few drinks last night, but nothing was brought up.
We may go at this as a group. Possibly just hold him down, tell him what a gigantic ##### she is, and then run a train on her and make him watch... TBD.
We may go at this as a group. Possibly just hold him down, tell him what a gigantic ##### she is, and then run a train on her and make him watch... TBD.
trogg78
Footballguy
fantasycurse42
Footballguy Jr.
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trogg78
Footballguy
I hoped it was an attempt at a joke. I was probably wrong.what joke
T Bell
Footballguy
Sounds more and more like a solid plan given the overall bravery of your friends...
fantasycurse42
Footballguy Jr.
No, those are the plans, my response wasn't sarcasticI hoped it was an attempt at a joke. I was probably wrong.what joke
It's a delicate situation, there is no correct answer here, as demonstrated by the very split responses.
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soothsayer
Footballguy
Well, this was a few years ago now. We did talk a while after his suicide attempt and had a good talk. We just haven't re-connected further after that. It's the right thought though guys.
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