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Dating Advice - I blew and now acting on emotion. Is there anything I can do now? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Spiderman
- Start date
And do it on a jumbotron
Drunken knight
Footballguy
Try to approach this with more indifference... you are spinning and it shows. Relax a little. Resign yourself to the strong possibility that it is over. Casually let her know you are willing to work at things, but move away from the begging and desperation. That, plus your intensity is likely driving her away.
I wish you well.
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Keerock
Footballguy
Keerock
Footballguy
The spidey sense is weak in this one...
Zow
Footballguy
Eh, we've all been there. He's got no objectivity but it's hard to blame him at all.
Zow
Footballguy
Yep. And as weird as this sounds, try not to apologize. You saying "I'm sorry" validates whatever story she has in her head that probably doesn't paint the best picture of you. Unless, you know, you cheated on her or something that truly deserves an apology.
Drunken knight
Footballguy
I am not blaming him. He is hurting. I am suggesting a change in thought and behavior because what he is doing to himself is harmful short term and long.
Edit: @Zow , but i will admit that while rooting for our hero, I am frustrated viewing his disregard/dismissal of excellent advice which is somewhat universal from the forum (...and how often do we all see eye to eye on a topic?).
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Don't Toews Me
Footballguy
Is this GMT + 5:45 time zone?
tri-man 47
Footballguy
Frankly, that sounds rather pitiful. Didn't you already do all those things in your earlier communications? Start with self-confidence ...or at least the confidence that if it's over, you'll be able to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
And what is it that you love about her? I'm still hung up on the fact that you've done a lot of communicating via text instead of Facetime or whatever. Do you make each other laugh? Are you able to talk deep into the night? Are you comfortable being together and not talking?
Not as well in earlier communications. In fact, I was doing the opposite. It wasn't until my large response that I admitted by issues in how I approached things.
Until recently, a lot of what did together was amazing. We do make each other laugh (or did). We used to do late night things.
I'm probably over-analyzing a lot of things today. She just said that she will talk today. I may not have a chance to make a case for us if she's just calling to be definitive that our relationship is over. If she is willing to listen and talk - I do want to ackowledge how important she is to me and how I lost sight of things.
thank you . Again hoping we are able to have a discussion and she's not just ending things.
I feel she relates to ownership and caring about the state of ourselves and the relationship so I think me saying things clearly can help.
I don't want to come across as begging and desparate though to your point, but do want to make the point that this is worth the effort.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
I thought you we're gonna rickroll us there.
Zow
Footballguy
You can hope for the best here, but you very much need to be prepared for the worst.
Craig_MiamiFL
Footballguy
Not reading all that sheet Djax but you the guy whose girl bailed to Denver from Chicago?Yeah she's gone. Move on
If not, if she's not broken up with you yet she probably did during the time it took to post that.
GL GB. You'll bounce back
If not, if she's not broken up with you yet she probably did during the time it took to post that.
GL GB. You'll bounce back
BigJim®
Footballguy
Ha, did not realize my copy/paste included a link to the source. It would have been pretty funny though for 'acceptance' to link over to "never gonna give you up."
fruity pebbles
Footballguy
Oof, this relationship seems like a lot of work. I’m exhausted just reading about it.
Slumpbusters
Footballguy
The shark move here is to step away for a minute. You need to stop the free fall and get out of the weaker position.
On your call today, tell her you realized you kind of sucked, respect her need for some space, and then hope you can connect at a later time. This gives you a chance to process and reset too.
3 months from now, if you still find yourself thinking about her, reach out and see if she's available. If not, wasn't meant to be. If so, and she happened to miss you, get a fresh start, or even if she didn't miss you that much but is still available, a fresh second try.
Cheers,
Turk
On your call today, tell her you realized you kind of sucked, respect her need for some space, and then hope you can connect at a later time. This gives you a chance to process and reset too.
3 months from now, if you still find yourself thinking about her, reach out and see if she's available. If not, wasn't meant to be. If so, and she happened to miss you, get a fresh start, or even if she didn't miss you that much but is still available, a fresh second try.
Cheers,
Turk
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Noooooooooo!!
fruity pebbles
Footballguy
Lol. It took her four days to text him back but you know he responded within 30 seconds.
Steve Tasker
Footballguy
I mean this in the nicest way possible: you may be committed to the long-term for your relationship, but she isn't,
Gr00vus
Footballguy
@Spiderman - why is your working assumption that this particular person is good at relationships? How have her past relationships ended? Is there a pattern there that's playing out again here?
Through all your posts, all we've seen is how you're willing to capitulate to whatever she wants. What do you want from a relationship? Are you clear on that? Are you getting that from this one? If not, stand up for yourself here (if there's any conversation to be had beyond her ending it cold). It can't be all one way - that's not sexy.
Through all your posts, all we've seen is how you're willing to capitulate to whatever she wants. What do you want from a relationship? Are you clear on that? Are you getting that from this one? If not, stand up for yourself here (if there's any conversation to be had beyond her ending it cold). It can't be all one way - that's not sexy.
Keerock
Footballguy
a/s/l
fruity pebbles
Footballguy
Was wondering that myself. What makes her the "all knowing" as far as relationships are concerned? She's still single. Banging a lot of different guys doesn't make you a relationship expert.
Ramsay Hunt Experience
Footballguy
I don’t think you should have a strategy for the call until you hear what she has to say. If she’s calling to break up, don’t waste a lot of time on what you already apologized for. If she wants some type of assurance and asks for it, then maybe do it over again, but only if she asks. Even then, make your pitch and stop. Don’t belabor the point.
I wouldn’t try to act casual and disinterested. Don’t get me wrong, everyone else here probably has more relationship experience than me. I just think that your earlier note pretty much precludes that option. Trying to act too cool for school now will just seem like game playing.
I wouldn’t try to act casual and disinterested. Don’t get me wrong, everyone else here probably has more relationship experience than me. I just think that your earlier note pretty much precludes that option. Trying to act too cool for school now will just seem like game playing.
Zow
Footballguy
Agreed.
I'll echo my sentiment here that less is more. She asked for the call so you let her talk. You already probably said everything you could say in your text. So, now it's her turn. And you can hope for the best that she wants to talk about ways to fix the relationship, but you need to be emotionally prepared for her to flat out break up with you and keep your responses cordial and short to that.
Ramsay Hunt Experience
Footballguy
And try to cut yourself some slack. If she was ghosting you, your letter didn’t do any additional damage. And you can at least know you said what you wanted to say.
Don’t get sucked into the trap of trying parse whether she’s acting fairly or consistently.
I didn’t think my college girlfriend was the ghosting type. I was wrong. But obsessing over that stuff was incredibly unproductive. It was just a way of subjecting myself to further humiliation and her to scenes and conversations she didn’t want to have.
Don’t get sucked into the trap of trying parse whether she’s acting fairly or consistently.
I didn’t think my college girlfriend was the ghosting type. I was wrong. But obsessing over that stuff was incredibly unproductive. It was just a way of subjecting myself to further humiliation and her to scenes and conversations she didn’t want to have.
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
Are we filling out bingo cards?
Also, just let her talk.
Also, just let her talk.
jimmy b
Footballguy
I’m breaking up with you, but don’t worry we can still be cousins. (Even money)
Galileo
Footballguy
Please make this a Zoom call and share the link here. I promise I'll stay muted.
This is sort of where I'm at.
The call may be quick - her ending things or telling me too little too late, and I need to work on myself to be able to have a healthy relationship. I can totally see this happening today.
If she wants or is willing to continue to talk throug things, I am going to say the things that will hopefully resonate with her - my ackowledgment of my issues, my understanding of why this happened, the importance on improving things and my committment to the relationship.
Soootch
Footballguy
I was hoping the Acceptance link would be a guy in a hot tub with 8 women and a look on his face like a toddler seeing the ball pit for the first time.
If you can tell she’s about to lower the boom, interrupt her and say you’ve been thinking hard about this and you’d like to break up. She’ll never see it coming and she’ll instinctively ask you to reconsider. THEN you propose. Checkmate.
Uruk-Hai
Footballguy
The three "Similar threads" for yours are:
Work issue - being mixed up with another person - advice?
Vacation Dilemma- turned into Branson thread
Training a Dog
I don't know what that means either. If I wasn't so lazy, I could make them all fit.
Good luck, dude
Work issue - being mixed up with another person - advice?
Vacation Dilemma- turned into Branson thread
Training a Dog
I don't know what that means either. If I wasn't so lazy, I could make them all fit.
Good luck, dude
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
i stopped reading as well.
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
what happened? can't read 4 pages of this.
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
yo toots, deuces.
This may not be a significant, but it could be a leading indicator. I have not seen a response asking if 7PM would work this evening? In Google Chat, you can also see the last message that the peson read, and it doesn't appear to have been read.
Obviously, I am thinking through everything in every angle, and maybe she hasn't checked her phone, maybe there's a logical reason, but it's odd to me to not at least say something 6 hours later.
That implies that she is likely not connected and is really just looking to break things off.
Obviously, I am thinking through everything in every angle, and maybe she hasn't checked her phone, maybe there's a logical reason, but it's odd to me to not at least say something 6 hours later.
That implies that she is likely not connected and is really just looking to break things off.
Major
Footballguy
This is what women do when they have moved on. I suggest you do the same.
What does your Spidey senses tell you?
Ramsay Hunt Experience
Footballguy
Jesus, dude. Quit torturing yourself and trying to predict what will happen. She’ll either call and you’ll find out or she’ll ghost again and you’ll find out.
You don’t even know what the situation is yet.
My sense, as of now, and probably throughout the day as that this relationship will officially end tonight.
Assuming we do talk this evening, it's highly likely that it's not as much of a conversation as much of an ending. I can see her being reflective of what has lead us to this point, her concerns with being part of a relationship that has been hurtful to her and not seeing signs of improvement of the past few months. I wouldn't expect her to be rude/vague, and I would expect her to be clear that her emotions and past relationships are also playing a role here on her end and why she can't continue in something that is too much a reminder of her past. In addition, with this being my first serious relationship,the issues that I introduced didn't improve from her perspective.
So, if it goes down the way, I just described, it's probably more of a one-sided talk. There's not much at that point I can say if she's coming in to end things and this is finality.
I would put the chances on the above at 80%.
I'm leaving out a window of hope that she really does want to have a conversation and work on things together. She said the flowers were a nice gesture - that could mean an opening, or it could mean that I appreciate it, but it's too late.
The fact that she is at least willing to "talk" could be a positive, or it could be an ending. As many have mentioned, there are a lot of warning signs here and things have been poor.
If any of my message resonated with her, maybe she will see I am trying to improve and committed to improving for us.
If I have the opportunity:
- I will again ackowledge that I have been difficult to talk to in the past 2-3 months; I was scared and closed myself off as she began asking me about a long-term together. I didn't handle that the right way.
- I am committed to us long-term. I want a future with us together provided she sees the work and improvements.
- I am willing to put the work in, not just words, to show her. I want to close the long distance right away, I will do the things needed -to help with communication (app's, therapy, etc.), I want to understand her past, etc.
- I do not want to give up on what was a great thing until recently. I love her, she is my family and I hope that she will be willing to give a chance to continue..
Assuming we do talk this evening, it's highly likely that it's not as much of a conversation as much of an ending. I can see her being reflective of what has lead us to this point, her concerns with being part of a relationship that has been hurtful to her and not seeing signs of improvement of the past few months. I wouldn't expect her to be rude/vague, and I would expect her to be clear that her emotions and past relationships are also playing a role here on her end and why she can't continue in something that is too much a reminder of her past. In addition, with this being my first serious relationship,the issues that I introduced didn't improve from her perspective.
So, if it goes down the way, I just described, it's probably more of a one-sided talk. There's not much at that point I can say if she's coming in to end things and this is finality.
I would put the chances on the above at 80%.
I'm leaving out a window of hope that she really does want to have a conversation and work on things together. She said the flowers were a nice gesture - that could mean an opening, or it could mean that I appreciate it, but it's too late.
The fact that she is at least willing to "talk" could be a positive, or it could be an ending. As many have mentioned, there are a lot of warning signs here and things have been poor.
If any of my message resonated with her, maybe she will see I am trying to improve and committed to improving for us.
If I have the opportunity:
- I will again ackowledge that I have been difficult to talk to in the past 2-3 months; I was scared and closed myself off as she began asking me about a long-term together. I didn't handle that the right way.
- I am committed to us long-term. I want a future with us together provided she sees the work and improvements.
- I am willing to put the work in, not just words, to show her. I want to close the long distance right away, I will do the things needed -to help with communication (app's, therapy, etc.), I want to understand her past, etc.
- I do not want to give up on what was a great thing until recently. I love her, she is my family and I hope that she will be willing to give a chance to continue..
fruity pebbles
Footballguy
“Nice gesture” doesn’t denote romance. That’s what I’d say to someone who offered me their seat. If she goes into a big, long winded speech on what was wrong with the relationship and you, please just hang up.
Ramsay Hunt Experience
Footballguy
I’m going to sound like a broken record, but here goes. Forget about what points you plan to make if given the chance. Stop trying to manage a successful conversation in advance.
Just listen. If she’s not breaking up, listen to what she wants from you IN THIS CONVERSATION. You already told her the general stuff. If she wants a promise from you, let her name what that is specifically.
Just listen. If she’s not breaking up, listen to what she wants from you IN THIS CONVERSATION. You already told her the general stuff. If she wants a promise from you, let her name what that is specifically.
