Family Christmas Dinner Expense Sharing Question for the FFA (1 Viewer)

[The Commish]

I thought about taking this approach, however it pulls me down the rabbit hole, and I somehow I will come out looking bad at the end.  Best thing I can do is pretend like this nonsense isn't really happening, and cut a check at the end of the night.  Wife is onboard with my approach, so I'm in the clear and will do everything to remain outside the circle of insanity.  That said, I will be tucking away a few bottles of the really good stuff for me and my wife.  

GL to you GB.....video of the insanity would be a wonderful FFA Christmas gift if you're drawing a blank on what to get us  

 

[Rhythmdoctor]

I don't agree with the SIL plan, but I understand the perspective.  You made it sound like the wine contribution in the OP was pretty typical most years.  Super nice, and I would never complain, but there's no cost to you.

If you do your fair share of hosting, bring food, help with prep/clean up, and then also bring the wine you deserve to be annoyed with this setup.

Thanks for finally giving approval. The whole thread can breathe easier now. 

 

[Rhythmdoctor]

Two ways to go about this to keep it fair. 

1) Bring a kitchen scale and weigh everyone's portions. Tell SIL you want people charged on a per oz basis for all food and drink consumed.  

2) Bring a bathroom scale. Everyone strips down to their birthday suit and weighs in as they arrive, and then they do the same at departure. The weight delta is used to calculate their total Bill. 

This is awesome!

 

[Rhythmdoctor]

You should offer to front the entire cost then only accept bitcoin or Ethereum as payment. #Winning

 

[sbonomo]

I thought about taking this approach, however it pulls me down the rabbit hole, and I somehow I will come out looking bad at the end.  Best thing I can do is pretend like this nonsense isn't really happening, and cut a check at the end of the night.  Wife is onboard with my approach, so I'm in the clear and will do everything to remain outside the circle of insanity.  That said, I will be tucking away a few bottles of the really good stuff for me and my wife.  

do tell!

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Make sure you bring food no one likes and make them pay for it.  Or more precisely, food SIL doesn't like.  

I suggest escargot.

 

[pollardsvision]

There is some merit to this post.  There have been grumbling over the years that some of the cousin families who participate, have not done their "fair-share" in the past.  But, IMO, thats how it goes...and if you have specific issues address those offenders, not micromanage a holiday that everyone seemingly enjoys.

I'm going to guess that the SIL is single and/or comes from a very small family. Because what you describe (some not doing their "fair share) is just the way it goes with family gatherings. Folks contribute what they can whether it's money, time, or effort, and of course, it's never equal. It's not supposed to be. Probably falls into the 80/20 rule. Those that contribute more generally don't care because it's family and the Holidays. There's always going to the those that don't have the time or the means to contribute much and that's fine. The result is a gathering that's the sum total of what everybody is willing to contribute, be done with it and have a good time.

Anybody that has been to family gatherings understands this, which makes the SIL's approach so odd (and fascinating). She's attempting to pull off something that may have never been done in the history of the world. A family holiday gathering where everyone contributes equally (including your pre-teen "adults" apparently). Of course, this is going to be a ####show that pisses everyone off (which is why we're all staying tuned).

 

[Snickers]

Is it their periods that make women so ####### nuts or something else entirely?

 

[belljr]

You should bring a receipt for random items that you try and get reimbursed, that brand new TV everyone chipped in,  a drill, some other household items.  Maybe print out some gambling losses

 

[SWC]

ahhh the magic of christmas is in the air take that to the bank brohans 

 

[Grahamburn]

Thanks for finally giving approval. The whole thread can breathe easier now. 

Just glad I could help. 

 

[Grahamburn]

@Ralph Furley

Why would you be cutting a check if you’re bring $500 worth of wine?! 

 

[Bull Dozier]

@Ralph Furley

Why would you be cutting a check if you’re bring $500 worth of wine?! 

Your questions is logical, which means it has no place in this thread.

 

[odin33]

I'm going to guess that the SIL is single and/or comes from a very small family. Because what you describe (some not doing their "fair share) is just the way it goes with family gatherings. Folks contribute what they can whether it's money, time, or effort, and of course, it's never equal. It's not supposed to be. Probably falls into the 80/20 rule. Those that contribute more generally don't care because it's family and the Holidays. There's always going to the those that don't have the time or the means to contribute much and that's fine. The result is a gathering that's the sum total of what everybody is willing to contribute, be done with it and have a good time.

Anybody that has been to family gatherings understands this, which makes the SIL's approach so odd (and fascinating). She's attempting to pull off something that may have never been done in the history of the world. A family holiday gathering where everyone contributes equally (including your pre-teen "adults" apparently). Of course, this is going to be a ####show that pisses everyone off (which is why we're all staying tuned).

This brings up an interesting dynamic that my wife and I deal with in respect to our families, the holidays, and differences in approach.

Her side is a family of givers: They will give you their last dollar if you needed it. As a result when the assignments for who's bringing what goes out, you almost have to pry things away from them as their trying to do so much and lesson the 'burden' on others. There's also a generational issue as my wife and I are in a spot where we can help a good bit, but the aunt's still treat us as the kids, and a minor role even if we're more suited to host, cook, supply necessary items. This leads into the raging "who's the biggest martyr" debate but that's another topic. All that said, if you can tune out the "it's just so hard" martyr talk it's generally a really fun time.

My side (a much smaller group) is a bunch of takers: How little can I contribute and still say I did my part. Wife and I would always come in with her family's attitude: brings extras, send all the emails coordinating efforts, organize the group gift for both parents (and front the money, which is about a 50% payback rate),  and see my sister show up with the one can of cranberries at thanksgiving over a half hour late (for no reason), or my brother bring the one tray of cornbread because they don;t cook and they ALWAYS bring that knowing he should really bring two, my mom bark orders and want to know where the supplies she needs to prepare the bird are even though she didn't bother to tell us nor purchased herself for thanksgiving (at our house), no one respond to emails when direct questions were asked, and generally have zero input into events. The idiots were blatant about it too, so much so that they semi brag about it in front of everyone. Wife and I finally threw in the towel a few years back. Been half arsed ever since. Throw in a passive aggressive father, who doesn't get involved with his kids lives (even when given the grandkids sports schedules and such), then complains about not being involved and the related resentment/hatred towards him. EVERYONE is watching the clock to see when they can bolt.

I wouldn't care if we are contributing more, but don't rub it in my face. Maybe I just expect more from my family.

Yep sounds like the holidays!!

 

[Jaysus]

I thought about taking this approach, however it pulls me down the rabbit hole, and I somehow I will come out looking bad at the end.  Best thing I can do is pretend like this nonsense isn't really happening, and cut a check at the end of the night.  Wife is onboard with my approach, so I'm in the clear and will do everything to remain outside the circle of insanity.  That said, I will be tucking away a few bottles of the really good stuff for me and my wife.  

I agree - good plan.  That being said, thanks for sharing this with us for our entertainment, and please keep the updates coming!

 

[SWC]

maybe buy some horrible food and insist that it be made as part of another dish like say bring in a jar of spicy pamentos and insist that the only way you will eat your sister in laws spiral ham is if it is coooked while totally smothered in spicy pamentos and then when she does it you get to charge her and when she takes it out of the oven and you taste it and it is horrible and believe me brohan it is going to be terrible then you start accusing her of not knowing how to cook a spicy pamento ham as if everyone else knows how take that to the bank

 

[General Malaise]

Ok, so I have a question for the FFA at large regarding sharing of Chrsitmas Dinner expenses.  

Historically, the host family prepares (and pays for) the main entree and the remaining family members bring fixing, desserts, alcohol etc. In essence, everyone contributes in one form or fashion, some greater, some less.  Never been an issue.  As an example, I work for a wine distributor and have always brought 1-2 cases of wine, plus other spirits. This "value" is generally in the $250-500 value, depending on numbers.  I've never asked for a $ and have always been happy to share my perks with the family.

This year, we are celebrating at a neutral venue, much to my chagrin, and due to this change "everyone will bring food and receipts" and we will split $'s across all adults. I was never onboard with this agreement, and to make matters worse my young kids (8/10/12) are being treated as adults, and do not eat like adults. The "group" asked if I can provide discounted booze, I can't, company doesn't offer this option to staff.  However, I can still bring free wine, as in years past.

So the question is this: Do I bring wine, and if so, do I attach a cost?  If I don't bring wine, all will pay up (myself included) and likely consume worse wine.  If I chose to bring wine, based on numbers, I would be contributing $500 worth of wine at retail, $300 at wholesale.  

What say you...

2 cases of wine = 24 bottles of wine.
Wholesale = $12.50 per bottle
Retail = $20.83 per bottle
Sell 20 bottles at an average cost of $15 and you'll break even on the wine.

Now, i'm guessing this is a mixed case of wine with whites/reds and higher/lower value wines so what I would suggest is you set up a little wine store when you arrive at the house.  Some of the cheaper bottles of wine will have a price tag of $10.  The nicer bottles will have a price tag of $25 or higher.  If a guest wants a bottle of wine, they come see you and and sale is made.  Since you sound like a nice guy, you can even open a bottle or two when you get there, your treat.  First glasses are free and then the store is open, just like the drug dealers.

You take cash and check and at night's end (or perhaps even the next day; sounds like a lot of drinking is going on, my hope is nobody drives away drunk), when it's your turn to pay for whatever your family is billed for food, you'll have a nice little chunk of revenue to pay for the bill.  Sell 20 bottle at an average cost of $15 and you'll break even on the wine.

Is that a hassle for you?  Yes, but you didn't create this new headache, you're just responding in your own little way to the new rules of the game.  Turnabout is fair play.

 

[Ralph Furley]

do tell!

Far Niente, Tignanello & Cakebread cab.  

 

[Ralph Furley]

2 cases of wine = 24 bottles of wine.
Wholesale = $12.50 per bottle
Retail = $20.83 per bottle
Sell 20 bottles at an average cost of $15 and you'll break even on the wine.

Now, i'm guessing this is a mixed case of wine with whites/reds and higher/lower value wines so what I would suggest is you set up a little wine store when you arrive at the house.  Some of the cheaper bottles of wine will have a price tag of $10.  The nicer bottles will have a price tag of $25 or higher.  If a guest wants a bottle of wine, they come see you and and sale is made.  Since you sound like a nice guy, you can even open a bottle or two when you get there, your treat.  First glasses are free and then the store is open, just like the drug dealers.

You take cash and check and at night's end (or perhaps even the next day; sounds like a lot of drinking is going on, my hope is nobody drives away drunk), when it's your turn to pay for whatever your family is billed for food, you'll have a nice little chunk of revenue to pay for the bill.  Sell 20 bottle at an average cost of $15 and you'll break even on the wine.

Is that a hassle for you?  Yes, but you didn't create this new headache, you're just responding in your own little way to the new rules of the game.  Turnabout is fair play.

Yep, I hear you.  I'm going the opposite way...plan to be overly generous, even more than previous years; share good wine (but not the very very good) and see where this goes.  Also, going to bring some really nice brown goods, high end mixers...again, go entirely the opposite way.  You want to be cheap, fine that's your choice, I choose to be generous.  At this point, at retail, my contribution will exceed $750, and continuing to go up.  I'm purposefully going overboard as my silent protest.  For instance, Christmas prime rib will be paired with Jordan Cabernet.  Some of you may think I'm crazy, but f-it, I can so I will.

My goal is  to make her feel small and petty, and will especially enjoy this Christmas knowing she is a wine snob and her husband is a whiskey snob.  They will be totally confused.  And when they ask, what do I owe you, the answer will be your enjoyment.  

You (SiL) will not take this holiday from me!  

 

[chet]

Yep, I hear you.  I'm going the opposite way...plan to be overly generous, even more than previous years; share good wine (but not the very very good) and see where this goes.  Also, going to bring some really nice brown goods, high end mixers...again, go entirely the opposite way.  You want to be cheap, fine that's your choice, I choose to be generous.  At this point, at retail, my contribution will exceed $750, and continuing to go up.  I'm purposefully going overboard as my silent protest.  For instance, Christmas prime rib will be paired with Jordan Cabernet.  Some of you may think I'm crazy, but f-it, I can so I will.

My goal is  to make her feel small and petty, and will especially enjoy this Christmas knowing she is a wine snob and her husband is a whiskey snob.  They will be totally confused.  And when they ask, what do I owe you, the answer will be your enjoyment.  

You (SiL) will not take this holiday from me!  

Kill them with kindness!

 

[⚡DEADHEAD⚡]

Far Niente, Tignanello & Cakebread cab.  

Jesus. Good stuff.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

Far Niente, Tignanello & Cakebread cab.  

keep the tig!

 

[ChiefD]

Yep, I hear you.  I'm going the opposite way...plan to be overly generous, even more than previous years; share good wine (but not the very very good) and see where this goes.  Also, going to bring some really nice brown goods, high end mixers...again, go entirely the opposite way.  You want to be cheap, fine that's your choice, I choose to be generous.  At this point, at retail, my contribution will exceed $750, and continuing to go up.  I'm purposefully going overboard as my silent protest.  For instance, Christmas prime rib will be paired with Jordan Cabernet.  Some of you may think I'm crazy, but f-it, I can so I will.

My goal is  to make her feel small and petty, and will especially enjoy this Christmas knowing she is a wine snob and her husband is a whiskey snob.  They will be totally confused.  And when they ask, what do I owe you, the answer will be your enjoyment.  

You (SiL) will not take this holiday from me!  

You should bring your own bartender, put him in a tux, and have him serve drinks for everyone all night. Gratis to all.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

i have a nice cranberry, blueberry sauce that you could make with one of them. (not the tig)  takes about 2/3rds of a bottle.  

 

[Nugget]

Link to the live stream?

 

[John Bender]

This is why I get as far away from family as possible during the holidays. Currently sipping some rum and enjoying a cigar on the beach in Havana. God bless you Ralph... Please give us a full post-mortem report (and if I were there, I would mean that literally) 

 

[McGarnicle]

Yep, I hear you.  I'm going the opposite way...plan to be overly generous, even more than previous years; share good wine (but not the very very good) and see where this goes.  Also, going to bring some really nice brown goods, high end mixers...again, go entirely the opposite way.  You want to be cheap, fine that's your choice, I choose to be generous.  At this point, at retail, my contribution will exceed $750, and continuing to go up.  I'm purposefully going overboard as my silent protest.  For instance, Christmas prime rib will be paired with Jordan Cabernet.  Some of you may think I'm crazy, but f-it, I can so I will.

My goal is  to make her feel small and petty, and will especially enjoy this Christmas knowing she is a wine snob and her husband is a whiskey snob.  They will be totally confused.  And when they ask, what do I owe you, the answer will be your enjoyment.  

You (SiL) will not take this holiday from me!  

It's getting dusty in here.

Just beautiful man. This is the true meaning of Christmas. 

 

[Otis]

Wife's family.  No way this would go down with my family.  

I responded to the group:

"I will bring 2 cases of wine at no cost to everyone" and received this message within five minutes:

"I'm open to better ways to do it.  The big thing I'm trying to account for is that costs vary for different contributions and number of heads vary.  My thinking is we can assign a value to everything, wine included, and than just do the math.  I've used this approach with other large groups in shared environments and it has worked.  Then we can also try to adjust as necessary for people who don't drink vs. drink heavily"

I replied back: " I don't understand your post, reread what I wrote"

F-it, I'm taking the high road here and just contributing in the XMAS spirit.  If they want to hit me with a tab at the end of the night so be it.

Lol at applying adjustment factors for people who drink a little versus drink heavily. 

These are the in laws?  Grounds for divorce IMO.

 

[Otis]

Yep, I hear you.  I'm going the opposite way...plan to be overly generous, even more than previous years; share good wine (but not the very very good) and see where this goes.  Also, going to bring some really nice brown goods, high end mixers...again, go entirely the opposite way.  You want to be cheap, fine that's your choice, I choose to be generous.  At this point, at retail, my contribution will exceed $750, and continuing to go up.  I'm purposefully going overboard as my silent protest.  For instance, Christmas prime rib will be paired with Jordan Cabernet.  Some of you may think I'm crazy, but f-it, I can so I will.

My goal is  to make her feel small and petty, and will especially enjoy this Christmas knowing she is a wine snob and her husband is a whiskey snob.  They will be totally confused.  And when they ask, what do I owe you, the answer will be your enjoyment.  

You (SiL) will not take this holiday from me!  

Nice call on the Jordan Cabernet

And great call overall on your approach. I’d be totally miserable and confused with this whole thing. Your way of handling it is better than anything I could have come up with. 

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

My wife is the youngest of three siblings.  For 27 years now the Christmas party (as well as virtually every other celebration, including her nephew and nieces graduation parties/showers/gender reveal parties/etc., always are hosted at our house.  We always have to do all the party prep, provide the meals, cleanup, etc.  Her Mom and Dad will pitch in but her brothers never do anything other than show up with their families, eat, make a mess, and leave with nary a word of thanks.  Holidays I get it, but why on God's green earth are we responsible for hosting the other events that rightfully should be hosted by her brothers (i.e., graduations/wedding showers/baby showers/etc.?

Made the mistake once of bringing this up with the wife - about her enabling the behavior.  Yeah, that conversation won't happen again - it is a losing proposition.

 

[AAABatteries]

It's getting dusty in here.

Just beautiful man. This is the true meaning of Christmas. 

 

 

[AAABatteries]

Thank god I love my in-laws.  And my family is fairly normal too.  

 

[bushdocda]

Merry Christmas you filthy animals

 

[Judge Smails]

I refuse to hang out with “friends” who do this let alone family. Bring what you can. Those who have more, bring more if so inclined. It’s not about keeping score. Bring more than you get. 

 

[NotSmart]

I wonder what Ralph's tab for the day is currently up to?

 

[SayWhat?]

I wonder what Ralph's tab for the day is currently up to?

Well he's surely getting the "heavy drinker" upcharge so I'm guessing the tab is getting up there.  

 

[tdoss]

@Ralph Furley - make sure you stash the Screaming Eagle behind the toilet in the master bath. Pee often and without remorse. 

Pee...without remorse...is a wonderful sentiment when you get down to it.

 

[Drunken knight]

caymus all ye faithful.  jordan and trefetthen.

oh come ye, oh come ye to bartholomew park

 

[Otis]

Well he's surely getting the "heavy drinker" upcharge so I'm guessing the tab is getting up there.  

Don’t forget that second helping of bread pudding he tried to sneak while cousin Trish wasn’t looking. That #### ain’t free. 

 

[sbonomo]

 

[tdoss]

Not that it needs to be said, but, of course, it's only in a woman's mind that this sort of plan could hatch from.

Ever gone to lunch with a bunch of women from work?

They'll pass the check around and break out an abacus to figure out each person's share...and still screw it up because no one can seem to remember they got a drink or how to factor tax and tip and the last person holding the check is stuck making up the difference.

Whereas five guys will get together and the total will be like $60 and each guy will instinctively throw in a $20 bill each to start.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

 

[pollardsvision]

Ever gone to lunch with a bunch of women from work?

They'll pass the check around and break out an abacus to figure out each person's share...and still screw it up because no one can seem to remember they got a drink or how to factor tax and tip and the last person holding the check is stuck making up the difference.

Whereas five guys will get together and the total will be like $60 and each guy will instinctively throw in a $20 bill each to start.

Yep, working in restaurants can confirm this. 

 

[belljr]

Ever gone to lunch with a bunch of women from work?

They'll pass the check around and break out an abacus to figure out each person's share...and still screw it up because no one can seem to remember they got a drink or how to factor tax and tip and the last person holding the check is stuck making up the difference.

Whereas five guys will get together and the total will be like $60 and each guy will instinctively throw in a $20 bill each to start.

Unless you're the one guy that I work with who never has cash and asks to split his bill so he can pay with his card.  I want to punch him every time we go out to lunch

 

[ChiefD]

Unless you're the one guy that I work with who never has cash and asks to split his bill so he can pay with his card.  I want to punch him every time we go out to lunch

Years ago, we used to have a group of us that used to hang out. We all had significant others, so we would all go out for dinner about once a month. So there would usually be 4 couples.

So usually 3 out of the 4 couples would bring cash, and we would just throw all the cash on the table - tip included. So this one guy (similar to yours) would take the cash and just pay with his credit card. No big deal - he usually explained it saves him from having to go to the ATM to get cash. Whatever.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months, and we are all out, and as we leave I glance at his signed credit card receipt. The sonofabeeyotch tipped something like 12% on the tab. My other friends and myself always tip generously - usually 30% or more.

So this ##### had been making about 18% on our cash for months. 

He was both smart and a #### at the same time. But that stopped after that night. 

 

[SWC]

can we get some update noise up in here furlorama take that to the bank bromigo

 

[Bull Dozier]

Ever gone to lunch with a bunch of women from work?

They'll pass the check around and break out an abacus to figure out each person's share...and still screw it up because no one can seem to remember they got a drink or how to factor tax and tip and the last person holding the check is stuck making up the difference.

Whereas five guys will get together and the total will be like $60 and each guy will instinctively throw in a $20 bill each to start.

It's not a strict gender thing. Of my two closest friends, if we go out as couples, one of them will take the check, break it out and calculate exact amounts of what each couple owes, down to the penny (there could be no such thing as just splitting the check 50-50 even if the four meals were all equal and everyone had a pop (no drinks to complicate the tab)).

With the other couple, the guy and I will see who can grab the check first and insist we have the whole thing because the other couple picked it up last time.  If someone is not feeling particularly rich that day, they'll just say "split it 50-50?" and we do so without regard to what the tabs actually.

I go out with the second couple far more often.

 

[belljr]

nothing more I loathe than breaking down the check via meal ordered.

MY IN LAWS SUCK AT THIS.   I'm pretty sure they are not tipping or factoring in tax.

I usually just throw in 30 extra and say you guys figure it out.  I used to get the bill and just divide it by couples.  My one SIL would always get mad.

The best part is she would order the most drinks so she would be making out in the deal and doesn't realize it   BUT now she pays her own bill. What a dope

If you are going out to dinner as a group, anything you pay "extra" is just part of the night out.  Are you really worried you paid $20 too much for dinner.... just irritates me to no end

 

[belljr]

It's not a strict gender thing. Of my two closest friends, if we go out as couples, one of them will take the check, break it out and calculate exact amounts of what each couple owes, down to the penny (there could be no such thing as just splitting the check 50-50 even if the four meals were all equal and everyone had a pop (no drinks to complicate the tab)).

With the other couple, the guy and I will see who can grab the check first and insist we have the whole thing because the other couple picked it up last time.  If someone is not feeling particularly rich that day, they'll just say "split it 50-50?" and we do so without regard to what the tabs actually.

I go out with the second couple far more often.

Would punch in face    I guarantee someone is getting jobbed here (couple, waiter) someone since tax and tip are always not counted for properly

 

[Mr. Know-It-All]

Unless you're the one guy that I work with who never has cash and asks to split his bill so he can pay with his card.  I want to punch him every time we go out to lunch

Or the one guy who always seems to forget his wallet - has to borrow with a promise of later repayment that never comes.