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Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Sack-Religious.
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wlwiles
Footballguy
5 y.o. daughter comes into the living room and invites me to come back to "the salon" which is set up in her bedroom. I enter the room and sit at the table, and she proceeds to do my hair, my makeup, and paint my nails. Then she tells me I can choose a magic wand from the toy bin (she's got 3 or 4 princess ones). I choose one, then this conversation takes place:
Her: "Now remember daddy, that's not a real wand"
Me: "What do you mean, of course it's real, I push this button and it lights up, and I'm holding it in my hand, aren't I?"
Her: "No daddy, let me see it." * takes the wand and aims it at the floor* "Abracadabra, give me donuts!"
She turns to me, deadpan look - "See Daddy, I told you, no donuts, NOT A REAL WAND!"
Her: "Now remember daddy, that's not a real wand"
Me: "What do you mean, of course it's real, I push this button and it lights up, and I'm holding it in my hand, aren't I?"
Her: "No daddy, let me see it." * takes the wand and aims it at the floor* "Abracadabra, give me donuts!"
She turns to me, deadpan look - "See Daddy, I told you, no donuts, NOT A REAL WAND!"
UOFI_316
Footballguy
More of a stupid things then funny things kids say. Cousin's kid goes to University of Chicago studying super math or something, really book smart kid (kid got Carpel Tunnel a few years ago doing math equations). When his lease from last school year ended he had a month before his lease at a new place was going to start. My cousin called my sister and arranged for her son to store his stuff in my sister's garage (mattress, some small furniture and some bins of household stuff). My sister gets a call from the kid on a Saturday morning "Hey, I am calling an Uber now, should be at your place in an hour." This super smart kid was somehow thinking that a random Uber was going to be able to transport all his stuff, including the mattress, 30 miles to my sister's. My sister recommended maybe going to a Home Depot and renting a pickup/van for a few hours. I guess the kid ended up transporting and storing the stuff at his girlfriend's apartment somehow. I imagine him walking the streets of Chicago dragging a mattress for a mile. Book smart does not equal street smart.
Dragons
Delusions of Grandeur
We're out for a bike ride, an hour away from home, with Kid (9) and Kid (11), traversing a street that occasionally has cars passing on our left. Kid 9 is riding very tight to the curb, close enough that Mom warns him a couple times that he's going to hit a mailbox.
We're 2/3 of the way done, on our way back, and sure enough, kid (9) knocks over a mailbox, which knocks him to the road. He's writhing in pain, moaning that it hurts so bad. Mom checks it out, sees that it doesn't require 911, so I book it to get the car while Mom and Kid (11) comforts Kid (9).
When I get back to pick them up, he's mostly calm and Mom says to cheer him up, "Kid (9): 1. Mailbox: 0." Everyone laughs.
Later that night, we're in the car driving home and Kid (9) pipes up with, "Kid (9): 1. Mailbox: 0. But, Kid (9): 0. Road: 1."
We're 2/3 of the way done, on our way back, and sure enough, kid (9) knocks over a mailbox, which knocks him to the road. He's writhing in pain, moaning that it hurts so bad. Mom checks it out, sees that it doesn't require 911, so I book it to get the car while Mom and Kid (11) comforts Kid (9).
When I get back to pick them up, he's mostly calm and Mom says to cheer him up, "Kid (9): 1. Mailbox: 0." Everyone laughs.
Later that night, we're in the car driving home and Kid (9) pipes up with, "Kid (9): 1. Mailbox: 0. But, Kid (9): 0. Road: 1."
Gawain
Footballguy
Dryer broke and Home Depot delivered the new one this morning. Delivered through the garage, so wife pulled her van out to the driveway.
Two year old sees the empty garage, sees the African American delivery man walking up to see where the dryer will go and says, “so you’re the thief that stole our car.”
and that’s the story of why we over tipped.
Two year old sees the empty garage, sees the African American delivery man walking up to see where the dryer will go and says, “so you’re the thief that stole our car.”
and that’s the story of why we over tipped.
snellman
Footballguy
My 13 yr old started school this week. The teacher handed out a get to know you sheet that the kids filled out the front of and the parents filled out the back of. I read my son's replies. One of the questions was what are you looking forward to most this year. His answer, "The last day of school."
rail
Footballguy
There's a consistent theme with my kids - potty humor/commentary. Two recent:
1) Three y.o. son comes up to me holding out his empty hand. "Daddy my butt was itchy and I put my finger in it." Of course, he's got to then push his hand closer to my face before I can react. "I pulled out a piece of poop." Can not find said poop. So we washed his hand.
2) Last year, then 4 y.o. day daughter was arguing with my wife while the wife was in the shower. Our shower doors are clear glass. Don't know what the argument was about, but the wife made a final, definitive, "No!" Daughter stared at the wife for a moment through the glass, then calmly says, "You need to shave your vagina." She then cooly walked off. Wife :
Me: 
1) Three y.o. son comes up to me holding out his empty hand. "Daddy my butt was itchy and I put my finger in it." Of course, he's got to then push his hand closer to my face before I can react. "I pulled out a piece of poop." Can not find said poop. So we washed his hand.
2) Last year, then 4 y.o. day daughter was arguing with my wife while the wife was in the shower. Our shower doors are clear glass. Don't know what the argument was about, but the wife made a final, definitive, "No!" Daughter stared at the wife for a moment through the glass, then calmly says, "You need to shave your vagina." She then cooly walked off. Wife :
Me: Don't Toews Me
Footballguy
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
My 18 year old son is now a college freshman. The week before we were going to move him in, the two of us went golfing as one last father son outing before he left. I'm a hack and have a 20 year old set of clubs. The only club I have that is not is a hybrid iron a friend of my dad made and gave to me (he's since died of cancer, so I have an illogical attachment to the club). I use it a lot since I can't hit my irons very far.
Play on the course was slow, so we had a few times we were just sitting in the cart waiting for the group in front of us. We had a few talks, women, alcohol, stuff like that. It was a good time.
I slice a tee shot into the rough (again), and pulled out the trusty hybrid. I miss hit it again, and get back in the cart. My son looks at me with a thoughtful look on his face and says:
"You know dad, when I'm older and married, I hope I am as forgiving with my kids as you are with that club."
Play on the course was slow, so we had a few times we were just sitting in the cart waiting for the group in front of us. We had a few talks, women, alcohol, stuff like that. It was a good time.
I slice a tee shot into the rough (again), and pulled out the trusty hybrid. I miss hit it again, and get back in the cart. My son looks at me with a thoughtful look on his face and says:
"You know dad, when I'm older and married, I hope I am as forgiving with my kids as you are with that club."
B Maverick
Footballguy
Kid says to me "Its Sunday already? Wow, seems like just yesterday it was Saturday" 
tri-man 47
Footballguy
Near-4 year old grandson comes into the room with a serious face the other day and says "my belly is saying 'feed me, feed me.'"
Clown Car
Footballguy
2 this week:
#11 (4yo boy) was pretending to type on this huge crayons keyboard and started interviewing me.
him- what is your name.
me- mommy.
him- no what is your real name.
me- Mrs mommy.
him- when you were a baby, what did your mother call you?
#10 (5yo boy) finished his dinner and asked if he could have some ice cream for dessert. I said no, he had chick fil a ice cream after lunch. He said “that was white ice cream, now I need some brown ice cream.”
#11 (4yo boy) was pretending to type on this huge crayons keyboard and started interviewing me.
him- what is your name.
me- mommy.
him- no what is your real name.
me- Mrs mommy.
him- when you were a baby, what did your mother call you?
#10 (5yo boy) finished his dinner and asked if he could have some ice cream for dessert. I said no, he had chick fil a ice cream after lunch. He said “that was white ice cream, now I need some brown ice cream.”
My daughter (2.5) has been watching certain parts of Princess and the Frog a lot lately. My son recently started crawling.
Son takes off across the living room so I ask him "where are you going?" Daughter yells from the other room "going down the bayou taking you all the way".
Son takes off across the living room so I ask him "where are you going?" Daughter yells from the other room "going down the bayou taking you all the way".
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
B Maverick
Footballguy
I was cooking up some bacon the other evening, kid walks in:
Her "you cooking some bacon?"
me (straight faced) "No"
She proceeds to laugh hysterically for several minutes....
Her "you cooking some bacon?"
me (straight faced) "No"
She proceeds to laugh hysterically for several minutes....
ChiefD
Footballguy
This is great shtick that belongs in every dad's tool box.
On the same line of thinking years ago when the kids were little they would come in about a hundred times a day:
Kid: Where's mommy?
Me: In the mommy section.
Now they do this to me on a regular basis:
Me: Hey, where is my hammer?
Them: In the hammer section.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Being smarmy with your kids is great fun when they are young, but be prepared to reap what you sow.
B Maverick
Footballguy
Definitely great fun when they enjoy it and at least sort of get the humor.
jhib
Footballguy
Not a funny thing my kid said, but sweet, and fits with the last few posts...
My son is a freshman in college. The school is local, but we wanted him to have the full experience (as strange and different as that is this year), so he lives on campus and we only see him briefly every couple of weeks. But his older sister picked up him the other day and they came over so we could all go together to vote early, and then we had lunch at our house.
On their way out the door afterwards, my son asked if we had any leftover Halloween candy. I told him we had some m&ms and he asked if he could take a few. I said sure, but it would take me a minute to go open one of the little packages and take out a few m&ms for him. He groaned as I went to get them, and as I was in the other room grabbing him some packs, I called out, "I bet you really miss the dad humor!"
My wife didn't tell me until late that night that when I had said that, my son looked at her and said softly and sincerely, "I do. I really do."
My son is a freshman in college. The school is local, but we wanted him to have the full experience (as strange and different as that is this year), so he lives on campus and we only see him briefly every couple of weeks. But his older sister picked up him the other day and they came over so we could all go together to vote early, and then we had lunch at our house.
On their way out the door afterwards, my son asked if we had any leftover Halloween candy. I told him we had some m&ms and he asked if he could take a few. I said sure, but it would take me a minute to go open one of the little packages and take out a few m&ms for him. He groaned as I went to get them, and as I was in the other room grabbing him some packs, I called out, "I bet you really miss the dad humor!"
My wife didn't tell me until late that night that when I had said that, my son looked at her and said softly and sincerely, "I do. I really do."
ChiefD
Footballguy
Yeah, my kids definitely have a good sense of humor. They are pretty laid back kids and can take it just as much as they can dish it out. Hoping that helps them along in life.
Zegras11
Footballguy
I was this way with them growing up big time.
Son, now 23, hit me back with this yesterday. We share a team in the FFA EPL Fantasy Soccer League .
We have two guys named "***hs and Koch" on our team. After a disappointing Monday to end the week, we had six (of 11) players do squat and we lost to freaking Christo by a few points.
So he messages me this after our loss.
i'm renaming our soccer team to "my dad ***hs koch"
ETA: Mods, please don't ban me. If you have an issue with this, please just delete it. TIA
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B Maverick
Footballguy
gianmarco
Footballguy
Text I just got from my wife re: my 5 year old while listening to a song on Alexa.
"I told her don't say the bad words. she asks what bad words. I said don't say the f word. she said, but I don't know how to spell! So we listen and at the " ####### lonely" part I said...there don't say that. She's like...don't say "lonely"? I said no...the "#######" part. She said...what's the ####### part?
"
"I told her don't say the bad words. she asks what bad words. I said don't say the f word. she said, but I don't know how to spell! So we listen and at the " ####### lonely" part I said...there don't say that. She's like...don't say "lonely"? I said no...the "#######" part. She said...what's the ####### part?
"
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Jaysus
Good times!
yeah.... my daughter is in 8th grade now, and thinks she is the funniest person alive. Most of the time she is just flat out mean though. I am not sure that that says about the type of funny that I raised her on
Tusken Raider
Footballguy
9 y/o TR junior has his own iPod and Bluetooth speaker... the kid loves music. Tonight I hear him in the shower, speaker blaring while he’s singing at the top of his lungs:
“Space Truckin’” , followed by “New York Groove”
I’m chalking it up as another dad win.
“Space Truckin’” , followed by “New York Groove”
I’m chalking it up as another dad win.
Navin Johnson
Footballguy
When my son was 3ish, my mother asks him about having children and whether or not he wants to have kids. He does and the following ensues...
Mom - What will that make you?
Son - I'll be a poppa.
Mom - And what will momma and poppa be?
Son - They'll be an oma and opa.
Mom - And what will I be?
Son - You'll be dead
Mom - What will that make you?
Son - I'll be a poppa.
Mom - And what will momma and poppa be?
Son - They'll be an oma and opa.
Mom - And what will I be?
Son - You'll be dead
wlwiles
Footballguy
Had a moment yesterday when I was on the phone with my boss, and my daughter (5) comes over to ask me to put Barbie's head back on. I put the phone down on speaker to free up my hands, so she took that as an invite to start talking to the phone. They go back and forth for a minute with hello's, then I hear:
Boss: So do you like school?
Her: I love school.
Boss: Do you have a boyfriend at school?
Her: No I don't have a boyfriend but I have a cousin!
Me:
Frantically trying to explain that her best friend and favorite person is her 8 y.o. male cousin who she sees almost every day, no she didn't mean boyfriend, she thought you meant boy who is a friend....
Boss is laughing hysterically at this point.
Boss: So do you like school?
Her: I love school.
Boss: Do you have a boyfriend at school?
Her: No I don't have a boyfriend but I have a cousin!
Me:
Frantically trying to explain that her best friend and favorite person is her 8 y.o. male cousin who she sees almost every day, no she didn't mean boyfriend, she thought you meant boy who is a friend.... Boss is laughing hysterically at this point.
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B Maverick
Footballguy
Flipping channels on the satelight radio and land on a station right as the signed drops the F-Bomb, clear as day...
11 year olds eyes get big as she looks at me, but channeling her inner Captain America from Age of Ultron says "Language".
11 year olds eyes get big as she looks at me, but channeling her inner Captain America from Age of Ultron says "Language".
El Floppo
Footballguy
Just dived back down the rabbit hole... Still feel the same.
Wish I could translate somehow just how much 13yo floppinho and 9yo floppinha sound identical to Beavis and Butthead when they hang out together. It flat out kills me...floppinha in particular...but writing the words down just doesn't capture it.
B Maverick
Footballguy
Sounds like he may have a career as a rapper ahead of him.I was buckling my 5 year old son into his car seat earlier and he said, “My pee pee is really long, so be careful!”
Seems most songs include stating your name and talking about how well endowed you are.
Golden Gopher
Footballguy
In the car with my 5YO daughter this afternoon.....
Daughter: "Dad, why do you always say "Um hum" when I tell you something?"
Me: "Well, that's my way of letting you know that I heard what you said."
Daughter: "You could say something else every once in a while."
Me: "You're right. I definitely could say something else sometimes. Sorry, it's a bad habit."
Daughter: "Dad, you don't need to apologize. I'm not angry with you. I just think that you could say something else. I mean, I know you have a brain, right? So, why don't you use it and think of something else to say?"
Me: "Got it. I totally agree with you. Thank you for telling me this."
Daughter: "No problem. I love you, Dad."
Two minutes later.....
Daughter: "Dad, how long until we will be home."
Me: "Almost there. Like two minutes."
Daughter: "Um hum."
I look into the rearview mirror and see her smirking at me. We both bust out laughing. Needless to say, kids are sometimes not only hilarious, but also very insightful.
Daughter: "Dad, why do you always say "Um hum" when I tell you something?"
Me: "Well, that's my way of letting you know that I heard what you said."
Daughter: "You could say something else every once in a while."
Me: "You're right. I definitely could say something else sometimes. Sorry, it's a bad habit."
Daughter: "Dad, you don't need to apologize. I'm not angry with you. I just think that you could say something else. I mean, I know you have a brain, right? So, why don't you use it and think of something else to say?"
Me: "Got it. I totally agree with you. Thank you for telling me this."
Daughter: "No problem. I love you, Dad."
Two minutes later.....
Daughter: "Dad, how long until we will be home."
Me: "Almost there. Like two minutes."
Daughter: "Um hum."
I look into the rearview mirror and see her smirking at me. We both bust out laughing. Needless to say, kids are sometimes not only hilarious, but also very insightful.
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Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
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Keerock
Footballguy
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
All of that and the weisenheimer vibe. Mr R thought so, too. His favorite jokes are the ones that you get twenty minutes later or that take a while to pay off.
You are in big trouble Mr Gopher.
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El Floppo
Footballguy
Came home from work early today to start prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Explained the whole liquid only, magnesium citrate prep to the kids, and that there will be pooping.
13yo floppinho... So you can have pudding.
???... liquid only, bub. I have to be able drink it through a straw.
Inho.... You could drink pudding through a straw if you wanted to badly enough.
And every few minutes since...
...are you pooping?
13yo floppinho... So you can have pudding.
???... liquid only, bub. I have to be able drink it through a straw.
Inho.... You could drink pudding through a straw if you wanted to badly enough.
And every few minutes since...
...are you pooping?
Zegras11
Footballguy
Mrs. Rannous
Footballguy
How about now?
B Maverick
Footballguy
Still pooping?
B Maverick
Footballguy
Kid gets herself some yogurt and m&ms, takes a bite and her face turns sour
"This tastes like Terminex smells"
"This tastes like Terminex smells"
B Maverick
Footballguy
Yesterday here is the conversation
Me: Ok, you can either finish this show and shower, or shower now.
11 yo: I'll shower now
Me: You sure, there's time if you want to finish this episode.
11 yo: No, its ok, i'll go now. The remote has a pause button. I think thats my favorite button ever.
Me: Ok, you can either finish this show and shower, or shower now.
11 yo: I'll shower now
Me: You sure, there's time if you want to finish this episode.
11 yo: No, its ok, i'll go now. The remote has a pause button. I think thats my favorite button ever.
Moe Green
Footballguy
My wife just told me this:
She was in the car with our 10 year old son today, taking him to the local MMA gym. He brought up the topic, of all things, our pug Cozmo's nuts/balls.
Son: Why doesn't Cosmo have balls?
Wife: Well he was fixed, so he can't make puppies/babies.
Son: You mean the sperm is made from the balls? (at least he knows what sperm is)
Wife: Yes.
Son: So how does the sperm get out of the balls?
Wife: Well it shoots out in a liquid called semen. (she doesn't cut corners regarding the birds and the bees)
Son: Ohhhh... you mean cu-?
Wife: :facepalm:
She was in the car with our 10 year old son today, taking him to the local MMA gym. He brought up the topic, of all things, our pug Cozmo's nuts/balls.
Son: Why doesn't Cosmo have balls?
Wife: Well he was fixed, so he can't make puppies/babies.
Son: You mean the sperm is made from the balls? (at least he knows what sperm is)
Wife: Yes.
Son: So how does the sperm get out of the balls?
Wife: Well it shoots out in a liquid called semen. (she doesn't cut corners regarding the birds and the bees)
Son: Ohhhh... you mean cu-?
Wife: :facepalm:
